bisexual boyfriend

[harrietm87]

I've been with my lovely bf for 5 years. We are both 29 and recently bought a flat together.
Everything is great and we've been talking about getting married and starting a family next year.
Only problem is he has always been open about the fact that he is bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He has never had a sexual experience with a man however.
Now that we're planning our future I've started to panic that he will have regrets that he never experienced this side of himself and that he might leave me or cheat. He assures me that he would never do that and wants to be with me. I know I can't predict the future but there's a foreseeable problem here that just won't arise for most people. I'm seriously thinking about whether I should break up with him and find someone less complicated. But I love him so much. What would you do?

yupp, heaven forbid you say, no, that wouldn't be for me.

A lot of the replies you have had here miss the point. It's all dressed up in "I'm bisexual how dare you suggest we are cheaters"

This is the issue:

Only problem is he has always been open about the fact that he is bisexual and equally attracted to both men and women. He has never had a sexual experience with a man however.

you are both young. He is attracted to men BUT(and this it the key issue) according to you has NEVER acted on it. It is entirely rational to fear he may wonder what he is missing.

Frankly I think you are right to be concerned. There are three options here:

• he's gay and wrongly categorising himself as bisexual.
• he's truly bisexual and can live the rest of his life without trying sex with a man.
• he's truly heterosexual but gets turned on by fantasies of bisexuality.

The massive, huge problem here is he has never had sex with a man. Until he's done that, you have an issue.

Personally, I'd cut him loose. If he comes back, great. If he doesn't,you've dodged a bullet.

Worse case scenario is you get married, have kids all ok and then one day he comes home and says "well you know when I said I was bisexuall... well actually, John at work and I... well ... I'm actually gay." / prefer sex with men.

selfloathing Very well put! I actually think that's where this will end up going.

This bizarre thread. If I had a partner who said they believed themselves to be a dendrophile, a person sexually aroused by trees, I would certainly think there was a danger they would end up with splinters. If an Ent then told me my view was grounded in my prejudice toward trees I would tell it to piss right off. If I was in a relationship and my partner expresses previously unrealised desires for XYZ (fire, children, being stuffed in a trunk like a gimp or whatever) I am certainly going to question if my relationship may be compromised, by their future exploration of those unexplored desires, or simply by an upsurge in regret they never opened that door in their life.

It's actually very common - and normal - to identify as bisexual or pansexual but to have only been in hetro relationships. So instead of deciding for someone else what their sexuality is, how about we trust the fact he is self aware and bisexuality isn't code for cheating.

As for "john from work is more a friend" - that could just as easily be Gill From work or Lucy from the pub.

It was that sentence that stood out to me as well, Self. I think the fact that he'd never tried it, never "scratched that itch", would always bother me. I'd imagine that that (probably very strong) curiosity, combined with the normal stresses and boredoms all LTR see would mean that it was only a matter of time. And I would say that with any desire/orientation/fetish that I wasn't able to fulfil, it's nothing to do with bi-people not being able to keep it in their pants.

The fact that you got together comparatively young, he was maybe only coming to terms with his identity at that time, and he's not had a chance to experiment would just spell "bad idea" to me.

I identify as bisexual but am happily married to a man. I've never been with a woman but feel I'm past that part of my life now. I still consider it part of my identity but not part of my sex life. I am 100% in my marriage. I see it as no different to someone who has had no previous partners.

Wondering what if is something that many people experience. What if I had sex with more people? What if I stayed with X? What if I was with someone of the same sex? What if I had a threesome? What if I visited a prostitute?

All these questions and more are asked by people every day, the question asked is entirely irrelevant to the person asking. The thing that makes a person act on these and cheat is a person being a twat. This is not restricted by age, sexuality or gender...

Would you want to explore his sexuality with him? I am bi and when i met my now husband i hadnt had an experience with a woman. He encouraged me to try it, with or without him. In the end we ended up having a planned 3some with a mutual friend and it was great. We then went on to have another couple of 3somes with 3 other women, that was before we were married. Im glad i tried it and now im not really bothered about doing anything again with a woman tbh i feel like ive tried it and got it out of my system and me and gusband are happily married now

The fact is, for all our liberalism, society pushes us towards heterosexuality as the most valid choice. Many waverers who feel attracted to the same sex 'choose' to be straight because it's by far the most comfortable option. That's why it's not uncommon for middle aged marrieds to suddenly realise their true calling and run off with someone of the same sex. You don't hear of many gay people in middle age suddenly declaring themselves straight. Id be worried about the long term implications of having a bisexual partner. This late realisation of sexuality is something which has impacted on my own life.

Plenty of men won't date me! They are fortysomethingphobics. The cunts.

hahaha, excellent from QChippyOik (and I got to type the hilarious 'chippy oik')!

Op, I work with about 40-50 gay men. I think a few identify as bisexual but choose to sleep with or date mostly / only men. Some joke that they said they were bisexual until they were brave enough to say they were gay. More crudely some call male bisexuality "gay lite". Their term, not mine. I am not saying this to be goady but just to give insight into non-PC language used sometimes in the gay community to talk about how they have experience the development of sexual orientation.

I think those who are saying that you are accusing people who identify as bisexual of being more likely to cheat, are missing the point.

You aren't saying he was more likely to cheat because there are more people to cheat with, proportionally. Rather, that you worry that his curiosity about a very real part of his sexuality may come to the fore in the future more strongly than it is at the moment. I don't think this is entirely inaccurate...

I may be biased because I work in the field and have lots and lots of friends / colleagues / clients who are gay men, but I would really see if you can find ways to facilitate him exploring this before you get married, if there is a way of doing so which is comfortable to you.

I love that he wants to reassure you and believe that he believes it. I just worry that in future as life progresses and he settles into himself more with age, this may come up again.

Then again- it might never come up and I could be totally, totally off base.

I tend to agree with Houseofmirth and Londonstill.

So it's not actually that bi is code for cheater but bi is something that needs a relationship intervention because bi people aren't capable of knowing their own minds/sexualities?

There is a massive prejudice amongst gay men towards bi ppl. Just because they are part of a group who are subjected to discrimination and prejudice based on their sexuality doesn't mean they have no prejudices about others.

Plenty of straight men realise they are gay later on.

Fundamentally op you shouldn't marry someone you don't trust. Fact is you don't trust him and you aren't comfortable with his sexuality so it would be mad to marry him.

Just ask him! I fancy men and women but have only ever been in a relationship with DH. It's fine. Being in a committed relationship means forsaking all others, you'll be making that sacrifice too. It's worth an honest conversation though to see what he thinks.

I think it is more like if the person you are with has only had you as a sexual partner. They MIGHT wonder what it would be like to sleep with someone else, but that's the decision that they make when they decide to get into a committed monogamous relationship with you. Either they want to explore more - men, women, both - or they decide that you are enough. A long term relationship is so much more than sex, independent of orientation.

If either of you are at the stage, hetere-, bi-, whatever, where you think you may want to find out more, play the field, whatever the orientation of the players on that field, then you aren't ready to say "you are enough for me". This can happen at any stage of life or age and is about the readiness that a person is for that stage of a relationship.

This is what you need to ask him - is one partner enough.

I didn't call you a cunt, Beach, I said we (as in all of us) shouldn't be prejudiced cunts.

So it's interesting you flew straight to assuming I was calling you a cunt, and reported my post.

Unfortunately MNHQ deleted my advice to the OP, which was to have a MMF threesome. Although of course it was slightly tongue in cheek, fnarf fnarf

Thanks for the replies. And to those of you who appreciated that I wasn't saying he was more likely to cheat because he is bi! I do trust him. But I also recognise that things can change. Of course that can be true for everyone, but with most relationships you don't know that there is something your partner might perceive as missing in advance. If he had an experience with a man now, would it help?? It's hard for me because from my perspective everything is great - I have no insight into how strong his feelings are and what other factors eg that it's easier being straight, may be relevant.

Regarding accusations/name-calling by some on this thread. I'm kind of surprised to find out that I am biphobic due to the fact that I, as a heterosexual woman, would never consider a relationship with a man who was sexually attracted to other men. (Now I'm wondering if a bisexual, male or female, who is only attracted to heterosexual males and females would also be considered biphobic or is that okay? If this has been discussed, please ignore.)

OP, not meaning to make light of your situation. I honestly have no helpful advice; it sounds like a difficult situation emotionally.

DP is my only sexual partner, and I have been attracted to men as well as women. And we've been happily monogamous for 20 years. And I can honestly say that if DP had ever suggested that I should go off and fuck other men/women and come back to him if I'd got it out of my system, that would have been the end of our relationship, not because he wasn't enough for me, but because he would have been taking my love and commitment which I was offering to him freely and without restraint, and treating that gift of love as something unimportant and meaningless to him.

If you are talking about marriage and children, then yes, the sex needs to be good, but you need to be able to able to trust and appreciate that you are both in the relationship for the long-term. The problem isn't that he is bisexual; its that you don't trust him. Him having sex with other people isn't going to make him more trustworthy. You need to talk things through and decide whether you are feeling insecure, or he has given you cause not to trust him, and work it out before you make any commitments, because a relationship without trust is always going to be insecure.

And for what it's worth, I know plenty of bisexual people in long-term same-sex relationships who, after a relationship break-up, have gone to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. They just tend to be less noticeable because opposite sex relationships are seen as unremarkable. When you meet a middle-aged newly wed man and woman who just moved in next door, you tend not to ask them about their past relationships.

I love the idea that bisexuals are attracted to everyone in the whole world!

Erm.....that's not true. Any more than heterosexual women fancy every single man, or that lesbians are attracted to every woman they lay eyes on.

My partner and I are both bi and have been in a happy monogamous relationship for many years. As long as you're having good sex and have a good relationship I wouldn't have thought he was any more likely to cheat or have regrets.

All you can realistically do is have a frank conversation with your DP if that doesn't settle your concerns then surely nothing will and it's just best you separate? I can appreciate your feelings and I don't think you saying if you are Bi you will cheat, but he has tried to reassure you otherwise and you are still not convinced. What more do you want?

Poorfannyrobin - yes that is bi phobic and yes a bi person can be bi phobic...

It is not an attraction issue, it's a prejudice issue. If you met a bisexual man, unless he told you he was bisexual, you would never know. Your attraction would only fail therefore once you discovered he was someone you held prejudices about.

What you need to know is how he defines his sexuality. Has he told you this?

For me being bisexual is about the gender of a person not being relevant to my attraction. It is not about their body. You seem to be saying you feel your BF's bisexuality means he may not find his life fulfilling unless he is able to have sexual experiences with the opposite body to yours, for many people who define as bisexual this is absolutely upside down thinking. The body is the least relevant thing.

I don't think you are biphobic I think you are just insecure, but if you can't accept his reassurances that's a problem. As I said in my PP what are you looking for? He has told you he doesn't want anyone else, why can't you trust that?