Kissed another man. Distraught by my feelings.

[LondonGirl77]

I am overwhelmed by the way I have found myself feeling. I didn't go looking for this and am so desperately confused. I have been married for 8 years and have two kids aged 6 and under. I work 4 days a week in a profession and I love my work. My husband has a big job that demands a lot of travel. Our lives can be crazy but we do spend good quality time together. My husband is an amazing man, he is kind, thoughtful, good to me, amazing with the kids, successful. Our marriage has been fine, although we have had our ups and downs since having the kids...mostly petty arguing, and we have had counselling for this. Our sex life is not great. I put this down to me having low sex drive since having kids. If I am totally honest, I don't really fancy him the way I used to. I have a colleague overseas who is the same age as me (thankfully he is a LONG WAY overseas!). He is also married with kids the same age as mine. We have known each other a couple of years but only met a handful of times, and spoken on the phone/attended conferences together. We recently spent a weekend at a conference together (with a lot of other colleagues) and spent a lot of time chatting, in the bar, out in the evening, etc. We have incredible chemistry – we have the same sense of humour, we enjoy the same things. We just have a lot of fun. We have had some very deep talks about life and marriage and kids. I am overwhelmingly attracted to him and he has made his feelings for me very clear. Nothing happened at the conference but after we returned to our offices we chatted on email non-stop for several weeks. He was in the same city as me this week and we ended up at a works drinks event together. People trickled away at about 8pm and we were left. We went for dinner together. We talked all night. After we left we were walking back to his hotel for me to get a cab and we kissed. It was ridiculously romantic and stupid. It was amazing. I can't stop thinking about him. We walked back together and agreed that 'this' can only end one way, and we need to stop, now. I got in a cab. He got his flight a couple of days later. I feel bereft. I feel like I am mourning what might have been. I worry I made huge mistakes in my life and that I am destined to life a "good" family life forever more, but never feel that amazing desire and lust and sexual attraction I don't feel for anyone else but this man.

Please tell me I will stop feeling like this. I want to break down and cry. I feel guilty, but not completely guilty as I feel we did stop when we realised what we were doing. I feel guilty for the desire but I can't control my feelings.

Exact same thing happened to me. You'll be fine, just give it time.

Imagine your DH packing his bags and leaving, refusing to hold you as you stand there sobbing. Is that what you want? Probably not.

I'm not a fan of the dirty underpants argument. Most women manage to love their husbands regardless of the laundry produced.

It's more a sexual familiarity. Novelty beats all, as far as our irrational hormones go.

But if we gave in to it, our lives would be chaotic and our children extremely confused.

Be strong. You're stronger than this.

OM overseas would probably not have been so eager if you were local.

If you want to raise problems with your marriage with your H, fair enough. If you want to consider leaving him, for whatever reason, that's fine too, but don't have an "exit affair", it'll just make everything harder for everyone, including the DC.

It's very unfair on him to have had an emotional affair with another man. some people would end a marriage should they find out about this kind of thing: you've already risked that happening.

If this was your husband doing it what would you want him to do? Walk away from temptation and try to rekindle what you've lost or chase hopes and dreams which are only exciting as they're forbidden fruit. Good luck X

I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP. I have personal experience (thank you mother) of women getting bored, ageing and finding the attention of another man irresistible. It doesn't make you a bad person, but you've got to stop romanticising it. Honestly, this will be so much easier for you if you stop thinking about it as your "last chance", and "connections" and all that balls. I'm not minimising the way you're feeling, I'm know it hurts, but you need to give yourself a slap before you start dragging yourself out of this hole.

Firstly, you sound like you really like your job. Do you want people knowing about the flurry of non-work related emails? Or the snog? No. Because half the time there doesn't usually even need to be anything going on for people to talk. If they find about that shit they'll think you rattled him and it'll do your career no good, I'm telling you that now. If this carries on all that'll come out and more.

Secondly. He's not the one, he really isn't. There's no such thing. You might have a connection, a spark, most of us have been lucky enough to have felt that. But it doesn't have to be in a romantic way. Thinking that you'll never meet anyone who "gets" you like he does is self-defeating nonsense and is almost serving as a reason for this to be acceptable. Which it isn't, you know that.

Also it's pretty easy to think that someone "gets you" and you have loads in common, when you just happen to be around the same age and like the same music and TV shows. If we both like Arrested Development then we're both going to laugh our tits off at Lucille Bluth quotes. Instant connection. Combined with someone being a solid 7/10 or above, you're probably going to fancy them. A lot. But it's not enough to leave your kids and move to another country is it?

Continuing along this road will end in it escalating and one or both of your spouses finding out, or you both getting in too deep and it being utterly heartbreaking when one of you ends it. Honestly, it is so not worth it.

Give yourself tonight to be upset about it, then tomorrow is a new day. Stop being a drama llama, put this behind you and find out why you're in such dire straits that a married man in a different country would make you risk your marriage. Good luck, and don't be bloody weak and contact him. That buzz of a newly received email is pretty bloody short lived, but the ramifications will be long lasting.

This is so sad. I can understand some of what you are feeling. I think that the non-sexual type of affair is a whole lot more damaging than a quick fling with full sex and even repeated sex.
You have had the sense to go back to DH and DC and work. It is just like it was said above, that the OM may seem gold plated at the moment but one day he would have become the messy bathroom and boxers lying all over the floor just like you have already.
Remember that someone was kind and friendly to you but don't build it up to be the love of your life. It was a fleeting moment in your life compared to the years you have with DH and DC.
I hope the future goes well for you in the future. This will fade. I really do understand as something vaguely similar happened to me but there were no DPs to be hurt.

Prior to veering off on a whimsical journey of potential possibilities with the other man, I'd at least be considering a quick reality check regarding his true intentions and whether he is really that interested.
Far from home, minimal chance of being caught and right outside his hotel, if he were that into you, I'd imagine wild horses wouldn't have held him back.
Sounds like he's not willing to risk what he has at the moment.
If the lure of a fresh start with this man became too strong and you decided to do the running away together thing don't be surprised if he disappears in a cloud of dust. Seen it more times than I care to mention via colleagues and a couple of friends.

Op I can sympathise! You've been distracting yourself in a fantasy world.

It's now people crash because you basically have to open your eyes and deal with what your reality is. He's not reality. Your family and DH are and if you need this to fuel you then why is that? Start looking closer to home and watering your own grass.

You will stop feeling like this.

Actually, you will probably always remember some of it. I had a night of madness when i was working in Tokyo pre-kids (pre Dh, but in very long term relationship), and the emotions were so strong on both sides i very nearly transferred there, all on the back of a few hours and a flurry of emails. I was ready to turn my whole life over for someone i clearly didnt know well. If I think back now, 20 years later, i still remember the passion. But i also wonder at my madness at the time and wonder where that drama came from. It would clearly have been nuts to go over there and would probably have screwed my career.

I also look around at all the people in my (professional) industry and in particular the senior partners and MDs, and i see so many of my colleagues at the top who are not just on their second marriages, but on their third ones, with three sets of kids at different stages, harassed and tired and sad in themselves and considered a bit pathetic by those who know them, going on 60 and still still changing nappies because theyre married to a wife of 35. And i am sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that each one of them felt the way you did when you kissed that guy. Go google the news today about ronnie woods. He no doubt felt the same as you do when he kissed his wife for the first time. Its not a good look in the cold light of day when you act on the chemistry.

You need to acknowledge that there are probably half a dozen men in the course of your life with the potential to make you feel this way. I've known four so far (not including Tokyo man), and other than DH (who is one of the 4) i have never ever acted on my gut attraction, but the chemistry was such that i would be very surprised if they hadnt felt it too.

DH is snoring next to me and will never again make me feel faint when i kiss him. But i know that you are chasing rainbows if you think that any other man is going to give you something better than what you already have. Even if what you have currently looks like tired familiarity and habit.

Messages received over night have been amazing. Thank you. CraicDealer thank you so much. Perfectly put. I am a very strong person normally and I am now going to be strong and take a day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Luckily I do not need to have contact with this colleague regularly for work, it is sporadic, and he does not come to My city often. The decision to come last week was actually odd as it isn't something he normally comes for. Have had a word with myself. I have so much happiness in my life. I don't need to do something selfish and ludicrous and wreck so many lives. Onward.

What are your current thoughts on your husband and children? I ask because you hardly mention them.

Some wonderful posts on this thread. Eloquent and true.

I have not mentioned them too much as worried it could be identifiable. I live my husband and kids with all my heart. I won't say I find motherhood easy, tho. I had a difficult few years after my DD1 was born. I would say we have a privileged life. Good jobs, no money worries, health, lots of travel and friends. Yes I can hear you all thinking what a selfish bitch I am. I have been romanticising this. I am struggling with the logistics and the mundanity of every day life and the lack of spark in my marriage. I know what to do though. I don't want to leave my marriage or my kids. I want to work at this.

I don't want to have a go, but I just feel so sorry for your husband. Without knowing all of the facts he must be feeling confused and he's totally lacking any agency.

I think it's important to realise that the 'amazingly' romantic nature of this is because it isn't real. With this man, you have a fantasy space outside of the humdrum commitments of everyday life. But it is just that - a fantasy. You don't even really want this, or you'd already have slept with the guy. And the reason you haven't is because you know it's not real, and you know that deep down, in spite of all the frustrations and the day-to-day chores, you love your family and your husband and even that humdrum life you have together.

I recommend you have a look at the term 'limerance' online. It can be really helpful to understand how powerful this feeling can be

Selfish bitch??

I wouldn't be that harsh but You said it.
You have a more than comfortable life and you want to feel alive again do you?

My STBXH felt the same. He feels really alive now. Sees the kids twice a week. Is out of the place he called a home for years. Has had a breakdown. DC's are coping ok but they are devastated and miss him.

Read my post and read it again. Does that sound like a life you want?

You're chasing rainbows. The pot of gold doesn't exist. And all the good jobs/ money in the world doesn't cushion children from a marriage breakdown.

Knuckle down and cherish what you have.
Reprogram yourself to get that intimacy back with your DH.

I get the sense that you sort of feel that all you did is have a kiss. It's not that bad. You're getting responses from people who have been there or been on the receiving end of how things like this started. We can see the car crash down the line.

This isn't just about this guy. It's about the relationship you have with your husband. Focus on that.

OP please don't think this is romantic and that he's a good man. He's not. A good man doesn't cheat on his wife and kids.

LondonGirl I was so glad to read your followup posts and that you are awakening from your affair fog. Of course, your H doesn't seem attractive. That is because you have been focusing all your emotional energy into someone else. But as others have said, it is all fantasy, without any thought to the real life ramifications of what discovery would bring. Have you thought at all of what this other man's wife would feel if she discovered the endless emails the two of you had exchanged? Do you really want to be responsible for the betrayal of trust and utter devastation this would bring to her and your H? Most of us lead ordinary, mundane lives. Having kids is stressful and a lot of raising kids is drudgery. But what makes life meaningful, are selfless acts of love, where we give but expect nothing in return, except to make someone else happy.

I agree with toosassy again!
I think it's also worth acknowledging thst this kind of scenario isnt unusual but you can decide (sensible) to distance yourself and get over yourself (which most ppl do)

Londongirl I feel for you and I'm glad to see that you are feeling stronger now about how to deal with it.

I read some work by a psychologist on the 'attraction' phase of falling in love, and they wrote that in the early stages of a relationship (any relationship, whether a love relationship or a friendship) we focus on similarities. So two people, whom everyone else can see are completely incompatible, can emerge from a discussion believing they are soul mates because they both love wrangler jeans and hate walnuts! Then later on in a relationship we tend to focus on our differences and sometimes use these to support our internal justification for ending a relationship.

I notice in your first post that you and the OM have had deep talks about love, marriage, kids.... what would happen if you gave the same time and attention to your dh and had deep conversations with him? Of course it is difficult to find the time in a busy household, but you found time to email / speak with the OM, time when you were neither working, nor dealing with your children. If you really want to you could find time to connect with your dh on things that are not about who is going out to buy toilet roll, or discussions about the dcs reading abilities.

Did you red anything of the project 36 QUESTIONS TO MAKE YOU FALL IN LOVE ? Allegedly following the questions could create intimacy (and the feeling of falling in love) between two strangers over the course of an evening.

I'm 50+ and long married, and dh and I did these questions over several weeks - interesting how I feel much less irritated with him now, and much more connected. It wasn't so much the question topics as the process of really having a proper conversation - thinking, listening, questioning, understanding, maybe even moderating some of my views and opinions or his.

Good luck OP.

Shake it off
It's a recipe for disaster
Have more respect for your family

Try to think of it as cheating on your children as well as cheating on your husband.
You will be cheating on your whole family?
Do you want that? How would that make you feel, to know that you are not only doing the dirty on your DH, but on your children as well?

Because let me tell you, if you do embark on a full blown affair, it won't only be your DH you're letting down -
it WILL impact on your family.

Do you really want that?
Is it worth losing what you have, for the sake of a person that you don't really know all that well (you are only seeing the 'best' side of him)
As another poster pointed out, he probably has as many disgusting and annoying habits as most people who are human.
Stop putting him on a pedestal.

Sorry to be harsh. But you need a wake-up call.

TooSassy brilliant post. My ExH must be feeling really alive too. Lost me thru cheating, lost subsequent long term GF, as he cheated on her too. He's all alone now and 2 years off his 50th Birthday. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I do wonder how alive he feels, eating his TV supper alone every night.

No sympathy from me I'm afraid, you courted it and made it happen, simple as that - when you are married or in a long term relationship you stop yourself from behaving like a love struck teenager, you chose not to and betrayed your partner; we can all look, admire or even flirt a bit but to act on it shows a severe lack of respect for your OH.

Either leave your OH to find happiness with someone who can remain faithful or put the effort into rebuilding your relationship - don't cheat, it's really not cool.

Ffs @cranky123 if you're going to search threads with 'kissed' in the title at least look at the dates before posting!

If someone has just betrayed you by kissing someone else start your own thread. No point in getting pissed off with ops from 3 and 8 years ago.

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