Can't talk about my pregnancy with my best friends..... Am I being selfish?

[Toothache]

Didn't know whether to put this in relationships or pregnancy... but here goes.

My best friends in the whole world are all childless. There are 3 girls I've been friends with since I was 15 (now 26).
One is a school teacher, let's call her Anne.
One is a lecturer, lets call her Kath
One is a Zoo keeper, lets call her Evie

All are in relationships longterm, but none of them are married or have children. I'm also the youngest out of them all (feel the oldest).

Anyway.... my problem is this:

I tried to book a table for us all to have lunch, but it fell through. I was upset coz we don't get together much anymore as I don't go on their big nights out drinking coz I'm pregnant.

Anne said she would come as long as I didn't talk about babies the whole time.

Kath cancelled as she had an abortion a couple of years ago that she isn't dealing with and doesn't know I know about, so can't handle seeing me pregnant or even talking about the baby.

Evie is totally freaked out by the whole pregnancy/childbirth thing and thinks it's too disgusting and messy to talk about.

So that leaves me with general acquaintances to talk to about the most important thing in my life!!

Am I being selfish expecting them to listen to me talk about my pregnancy? I don't talk about it all the time, but now I feel totally isolated by them to the point where I have to ignore the fact I'm pregnant unless they bring up the subject.

They talk about their work all the time and I don't say to them "I'll only come to lunch if you promise not to talk about your work".
They do ask how I'm doing and how the bump is doing, but if I say anymore than "we're both fine" I can almost feel them rolling their eyes with boredom.

What do I do? Do I say something to them and risk falling out with them.... or do I just carry on the friendships as if I'm not pregnant?

It's is SOOOOOO important to me, why can't they see that? Help, it's very lonely not having the girls to talk to about my baby-to-be.

Can I ask why you are friends with them?

Toddlerbob - We have been friends for more than 10yrs. They haven't always been like this. We used to have everything in common.

I think 2 of them really want a baby, but their partners are dead against the idea. So I think part of it may be that they are jealous. PLEASE don't think I'm being conceited there, coz I'm not..... I just think there's a wee bit of that creeping in. Their bioloigical clocks are ticking LOUDLY.

I don't think they realise how difficult they are making it for me.

Its very hard innit?

Lots of my friendships have changed with the fall out of 2 kids (and another on the way) in 4 years.

I think you have to do your best to hold on to your friendships - they have meant a lot to you in the past so they are probably worth working for. It sounds like you are already doing this if you are the one arranging lunches etc. Continue to do this as long as you feel comfy with, but when you start getting wound up by their excuses, then, yes, either say something nicely about the way you feel, or start to appreciate that maybe things are changing and the friendships have to take a back-seat.

Some of my friendships have lasted the onslaught of kids, some really really haven't - and I don't really know the reasonse. One very close friend before kids I hardly ever see now because she just makes it so obvious she doesn't like my kids rampaging round her house - fine, but I'm not going round there to chase after them all the time. So the friendship has dwindled - sad but it happens. Some will survive and some won't and don't forget you will meet new mums as well.

Just do your best so you know you have nothing to feel guilty about, but accept some might go by the wayside. Sad, but true.

Best of luck pet

Hi Toothache, I was in a similar position when I was pregnant with DD at 22. Friends divided into 2 camps, they either wanted all the gory details or told me I was stupid....DD's godmother was great but she was working in Cambodia so not much good for girly chats!

Are your friends interested in your DS? I think sometimes pregnancy is hard to relate to if you haven't been there.

Sorry, no real help at all, but I do know where you're coming from. I was lucky because my mum was PG through part of my PG so there was someone i could talk to. Do you have any mummy friends IRL you could get together with?

When I say wanted all the gory details, I mean they were interested in the details but not me, IYSWIM?

Hi Toothache. You expressed yourself on here really well. I think you are being quite reasonable and there seems to be a lot of 'unspoken' stuff going on between your friends. I suggest you arrange a lunch, tell them all it's URGENT and explain everything to them as you have on here. If you can talk about all their issues openly you will hopefully be able to come to some understanding about what to do. Don't forget, at the end of the pregnancy, you will have a beautiful baby and they will have to keep on dealing with your changing life, there's no getting away from it! If they are real friends, I hope you can all get over this. Hey, if the girls from Sex and the City can cope, so can you 4!
In the meantime, come onto Mumsnet and gabble away about pregnancy, we love it! Find some local ante-natal groups in your area and meet up with other pregnant mums. It's such an important outlet for you, you must be able to share it and be excited!! I do know how you feel though. When I was pregnant I wanted to talk about it non-stop, I couldn't help myself, it was terrible. I learned to be considerate with my child-free friends and not go on too much! I really hope you are able to sort this out with your friends, good luck

Thanks everyone.

They are getting more interested in my ds as he gets older. It's weird, they cooed over him when he was tiny.... lost interest through the 12-24mth part and now he's nearly 3 he seems more interesting to them!

I just feel they are dictating to me what I can and can't talk about and that hurts. I would listen to WHATEVER problems they were having.

Unfortunately DS's friends are all at Nursery and none live close by. I don't get a chance to talk to any of the parents... everyone is always in such a hurry dropping off and collecting their kids.

I do have 2 friends with children, one is an old friend, but she's a bit of a nightmare! She tends to out stay her welcome and when she visits I end up looking after her son (2yrs old and WILD) whilst she talks on her mobile!! So I don't get a chance to enjoy her company.

The other girl I met through a friend and she is also pregnant now so I do have her to speak to about it.

It just hurts me that my oldest and dearest friends don't want to share something this precious with me. They were a little bit more interested in my 1st pregnancy, but not much. Like Marialuisa said, they wanted to know the gory details like: "Did it hurt".... and "Did you poo whilst in labour".... but didn't really want to know how it was for me IYKWIM.

I'm getting really paranoid and always have the feeling that they are talking amongst themselve about how they can't stand phoning me anymore. 2 of them have stopped phoning me altogether. Although still text me every now and then.

it's such a shame that people are so self-obsessed that they can't see how such a life-changing event like having a child might impact on someone's life. are they like this about anything (eg bereavement, changing jobs - unless it's one they're interested in!) or is it just the fear of babies/childbirth/biological clocks that freaks them? I would concentrate on those people who are interested in you, even if they are newer friends, you deserve a lot better.

I agree with bundle, until your friends catch you up in this important area you may find you have much more in common with other newer people who are interested in the same things.

I had a friend who was only interested in the gory stuff when ds was born, but now she's a mum herself our friendship is better because we are doing similar stuff now.

Bundle - It is definitely just being a Mum they have an adverse reaction to. If I didn't have any contact with them then I'd really be limited to old work colleagues to spend time with.

I know friendships can fizzle out when people go off in different directions, but I don't think that's it at all. I just think I gone in one direction quicker than the rest of them have. Circumstances mean that they don't feel ready to have children (or their partners don't!).

I have listened to one of them go on and on and ON about buying an expensive city flat in Edinburgh and have gone out of my way to be excited for her. All I get in return is comments like "And I'll wait until you've had the baby before I have flat warming..... that way you can drink and enjoy yourself too, I really miss your company".

Er... no I can't cause I want to breastfeed! I want to scream that I haven't gone anywhere!! I'm still here and I'm still me.

do you feel you could print this out & show it to them? or would that rock the boat too much? do they understand how you are feeling? you sound like you are covering your own emotions at losing them because you feel this is in some way your fault. it's not, and i wonder how they'd feel if they knew the depth of your feelings.

Toothache I was the first of my friends to have a baby. I ws only 22 and had just finished uni so they were all climbing career ladder.(I met my dh in Turkey on holiday the summer I finished college - perhaps that a good idea for another thread Where did you meet dh). I really drifted apart from my 2 best friends but 5 years down the line they had kids they turned to me for advice. I would really just let them get on with it and don't let it spoil your pg. They might be jealous but they make their own choices .

Bundle - I couldn't print the thread out as the one that had the abortion doesn't really know that I know about it. She told me she miscarried and that's why she finds it hard to be around me. This was just after I had had ds and she made me feel so terrible for having a healthy baby. I've kept all that in for years too.... she knew how guilty I felt, but let me carry on believing she had had a tragic and traumatic miscarriage. One of the other 3 told me the truth as she thought it was wrong to let me feel that way.

I was incredibly angry at the time, but now feel really sorry for her as it's quite clearly tearing her apart. I'm also hurt that she felt she had to lie to me about it.

I wish I could meet more Mum's in RL. But I work fulltime and don't go to any toddler groups or such like.

My friend who is pregnant at the moment is my best bet. But she lives so far away and I don't drive. We do have good long chats on the phone as she also has a toddler. So it's not all doom and gloom.

Toothache, these are long standing best friends. I think you need to try and "bite the bullet" and tell them exactly how you feel. Do it with all of them together. You are clearly a perceptive and sympathetic person - you have outlined the reasons why you think individually, they have problems with you having kids. If you open up about how miserable this is making you feel but you undertand why things might be difficult for them, then there's a good chance they will open up too.

Clearly, you don't want to lose the friendships or see them dwindle away with a few phone calls and texts here and there. This is the way it seems to be going at the moment.

This is the time to test the friendships and see if they stand the test, if you really want to hold on to them.

sorry toothache, i'd forgotten about the abortion thing. tricky.
where do you live? could you post something on full-time mums seeking similar in your area - here or elsewhere?

I think is quite common Toothache. My BF was, and still is, exactly the same. Hardly saw her during my pregnancy with my twin girls. She showed up at the hospital, surprisingly, a few days after the birth and picked a "favourite" twin, which upset me. Then hardly saw her again.
When I do see her I'm supposed to be terribly interested in her house renovations, colour schemes, kitchen worktops, etc etc, but god forbid I talk about the girls or their progress!

I was interested to hear you say about two of your friends perhaps wanting babies but their parents don't - same as my BF.

Sorry, I haven't been much help here - I haven't managed to find a solution other than meeting up occasionally without my children and trying to find things to talk about, but that isn't much of a "best friend" is it if you can't talk about something as central to your life as your children! Anyway, they are far more interesting than discussing the merits of wood floor versus tiles!!! Good luck, hope it all works out.

Sorry, meant to say "their partners don't" obviously!

twogorgeousboys - I think I might be able to speak about my issues with the one who's got the city flat (Anne).
But it'll have to be via email!

Bundle - There aren't very many Mumsnetters in my area. We can't even seem to organise a Central Scotland meet-up! Only 2 or 3 turned up and both times I've been unable to go at the last minute (2 trains cancelled the 1st time, hospitalised the 2nd!). Maybe 3rd time lucky eh!

Sandyballs - Re:the favourite twin. That's exactly the kind of thoughtless thing one of my friends would say to me! Like looking at my 24hr old precious ds and saying: "Aren't newborns so ugly and squashed looking".

I'm trying to organise a lunch this weekend, but don't know how many more kicks in the teeth I can handle.

pity about the logistics, ikwym about working - I'm only part time and feel I have far fewer contacts I can just meet up with than sahm friends.

Dh and I were the first of our group of uni friends to get married and have a baby. We've felt really out of it since we married - never got invited to all the old group parties etc, and then would get comments like 'you never come and see us'! Got worse when we had ds.BUT, in the last couple of years about half are married and one or two have started having kids - and it is like the inbetween bit never happened. I think we've had to come to terms with the fact that our lives were at such different stages we had little in common for several years. But keep in with the odd text/christmas card and the relationship is there to pick up on years later. It is hurtful at the time though.
Midn you, one of them has now had a baby and I thought things would be great (they were a couple we kept in with a lot, but found baby mess hard to deal with) - but they are worse now, constantly comparing their marvellous baby who will obviously be a marvellous toddler to our messy reality of an untrained child who watches TV sometimes and gets chocolate on their sofa - the phrase 'trailer trash' kid, albeit used jokingly, has REALLY stung!!

OUCH Miranda - That would sting!

I just think I'll have a very lonely few years waiting for them to have children. I still do have other interests in my life (I HOPE!). I don't want to turn into one of these people that has nothing to talk about except her children. I'm just looking for them to show the same interest in my life as they do in theirs.

I've bitten the bullet and emailed the School Teacher (Anne). Nothing heavy or indepth, just expressing that I'm feeling a bit paranoid and am conscious that none of them phone me for a chat anymore.
We'll see how that goes first before I decide whether to get right into it.

Do some antenatal classes..... Do as many as you can + pregnancy yoga/swimming etc That way you'll meet others- who will become your best friends. Friendships change as youg row older. You don't have to break up with your old friends, but you probably will grow less close- although the friendships may pick up again when they have babies.

Hi Jimjams - That sounds very easy! But I work fulltime and I'm not stopping working until 35wks. The antenatal swimming classes in the area are 11-12 on a Wednesday morning and I'll have ds when I stop work. I have tried to find classes that are outwith working hours or are compatible with when ds will be in Nursery, but I don't drive so I've no chance of getting to any.

I s'pose.... sad as it is... that is why I spend so much time on MN. It's nice to be able to talk about my pregnancy and my son without feeling like I'm boring everyone to death!

ahhh- well you'll have to socialise like mad during your maternity leave