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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's lied again and again

45 replies

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:02

So it's our 9 year anniversary today and he's gone out. I'm home with the kids. I found out Wednesday that he's been borrowing hundreds of pounds from his dad to spend on iTunes apps on his phone, like £600 in last two weeks. I want to tell his parents, but I don't because, I know he'll go mad. This is my fault according to him as I'm too controlling. By that he means I keep complaining about him spending money we can't afford. If you check my previous posts you'll see a back story of finding him using internet sex sites,texting another women and gambling. He promised to change, that he was sorry. Two years have passed since then and it's misery. I don't trust him,check up on him and find he's lied again. He does nothing at home. He is so self righteous, that if he didn't feel trapped he wouldn't keep spending all out money on in app purchases, I just can't believe that he can believe this. I read this page religiously and I know what I should do, but I don't, and the cycle goes on. He Never goes out and neither do I, mainly as we are to poor. We have a dog now, and that has become my new excuse, can't sell house as can't rent with a dog. He gets angry very easily, screams and swears. I guess I've posted tonight as I've read every thread trying to work out that to do and would like some support.

OP posts:

FluffyPersian · 05/12/2015 22:09

I think you know what you need to do... you just don't feel strong enough to do it?

My sister is sadly in a similar position - her Husband has lied to her again and again over money. Taken out credit cards, maxed them out, taken out loans.. spent all the money on himself on literally, rubbish...

The cycle goes on as nothing changes.

He screws up.. you forgive him... he screws up... you forgive him.

I guess the thing is, when will enough be enough as currently he knows that you'll forgive him as you have again and again?

I'm really sorry to hear you're in this position. It's never nice to find out that your partner has lied to you, nor that the 'changes' he's made aren't true. You could rehome the dog (I know that's not a nice thought, but it is a possibility).... and you could rent... you can do these things, even if they're really hard.

So, which is preferable? Knowing that if you stay as you are, he'll do it again and again and again, or changing things in your life?

Would making a list help? The steps you'll need to take to do this?

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:17

I know I could do it but I don't. Every time I catch him lying he becomes more arrogant, I just don't understand what I've done for him to treat me like this. I read posts where the op doesn't seem to hear the advice, but honestly it is such a scary prospect. I hate him most of the time. But he won't leave and we seem to bumble along until I find he's lied to me again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:19

what do you want us to say, love ?

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:22

I know :(

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:24

I am sorry. You have the answer within yourself.

Twunk · 05/12/2015 22:24

You can and will be so much happier without this waste of space, but you know that. Don't waste another second of your life - you really do only get one.

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:26

I want people to say....it's not you, it's definitely him. He spends on the games as he's addicted. He denies this. But does it really matter if he admits this???? What so I can forgive him again??? For him to do it again.

OP posts:

FluffyPersian · 05/12/2015 22:28

It is him. However you're enabling him to do that... as by staying with him, you're condoning his behaviour. Not because you're horrible, or because you're a bad person, but because you obviously love him.

He's an addict
He lies to you
He promises to change and doesn't

I don't think him admitting it will make any difference... it's just words - He's said stuff before and hasn't followed through.

He will do it again. So I guess you need to decide what you're going to do about it.

Twunk · 05/12/2015 22:29

Does he make you happy? Dos he contribute to your life or just make it harder?

If you're not happy you can just go. Really you can.

Costacoffeeplease · 05/12/2015 22:29

Just think where you'd be now if you'd left or kicked him out two years ago

Instead you're still there, but it's worse because it's happened again and again

Do you want to still be there in another two years, having been let down even more?

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 22:29

It's not you, it's him

He is feckless and childlike.

he will never step up for you

you will always have to be the parent in your relationship

Twunk · 05/12/2015 22:30

And no, it's not you - it's him.

redexpat · 05/12/2015 22:37

Its not you its him. How financially linked are you? Will his spending affect your credit rating.

mintoil · 05/12/2015 22:46

Are you married?

When you say what have you done to make him treat you like this, all you have done is to accept it when most of us would have walked away. This is not your fault at all, but you have taught him that he can do what he likes and you will just put up.

Only you can decide when you have reached breaking point but here's a hand hold

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/12/2015 22:50

It really isn't you. My xh was addicted to spending on stuff and a consummate liar. I ended it. A few years later I met his stbxw after he'd left her. He'd carried on exactly the same with her too. She was left in a right mess. At least we were able to reassure each other that we weren't unreasonable!
What needs to change in your head to make you walk? Is it realising that this is it? This is how it will always be? Suspicion, mistrust, waiting for the next bombshell?

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:51

I often wish we'd split up two years ago, but he promised the world and was on best behaviour for a few months. Now we're back on a cycle of him lying, me catching him, him ignoring me, until I break and ignore the truth. Why do I do it? I honestly don't know why, it's not love, I feel hate for him most of the time. It's change I fear. Having to sell our home, upheaving the kids, plus the dog and cats and rabbit. I plan in my head to leave a lot, I just know he's going to make it so very hard for me. And I'm scared. We are linked by a mortgage, not married. He's borrowing money from his parents to spend on these games, I'm embarrassed as he's obviously telling them lies to get the money, like car is broken or whatever

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 22:53

What is it that you're really afraid of, OP?

You are insightful enough to know that "I can't rent with a dog" is an excuse, and if the posters on here came up with a solution for you, you would find another excuse not to leave.

So what is driving that? What is the fear that is keeping you trapped in this appalling sham of a marriage?

Do you believe that you deserve better than this?

timelytess · 05/12/2015 22:55

His relationship with his parents is not your problem.
Start gathering information and advice ready for starting life without him. Softly, swiftly, silently. Then either go or get him out.

pocketsaviour · 05/12/2015 22:55

Cross-posted.

Moving house, splitting up, dealing with kids - all these are stressful. But are they more stressful than what you're currently enduring?

I would say by definition no, because they have an end. One day, you will have moved. One day, your house sale and any contact arrangement will be finalised. One day, your kids will be settled.

But if you're waiting for the one day that this fool will step up and stop lying, that one day isn't going to come. Just an endless parade of more of the same shit.

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:55

I don't know. I go through cycles in my head planning our escape, but then working full time and the normal humdrum of life distracts me, and I can't motivate myself to take action.

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 05/12/2015 22:59

OP I can see you desperately want him to take responsibility for his behaviour but he won't, and worse still he doesn't care either way.
I've been in situations and hung around way too long in the hope that they'll wise up and change, it never happens and its difficult to walk away knowing they don't care.
I'm single now and although it's early days since I dropped the dead weight I'm noticing I'm much more positive, confident and have bundles of energy I never had.
You can rent if you need to, you know this. You are strong, you just need to take a deep breath and jump.

Friendlystories · 05/12/2015 23:00

I think you have to do two things, the first is to imagine your two alternative futures, the one where you stay with him and the cycle repeats ad infinitum and the one where you leave and build a better life without him. Once you've acknowledged that the thought of the former is unbearable your second task is to plan out how you can make the latter happen. It will always seem impossible and you will always find an excuse until you accept that your future would be miserable with this man so you need to really focus on imagining what it would feel like to be 5, 10 years down the line with nothing having changed except maybe for the worse. When you've got your head around the fact that, if you want a happy future, you have to leave him then you can start to break down how you go about it into manageable steps, you will get lots of advice about how to do that on here when you're ready. For now you need to get yourself to the place where you admit you can't stay with him, you deserve to be happy and you never will be with a man who doesn't put you first and repeatedly lies to you.

Original poster

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 23:09

I know what I need to do, I've imagined it in my head a million times. I'm so unhappy so often, I can't imagine it could get worse....or could it? It's the fear of the unknown. I've read your posts, and I admit that the unknown can't possibly be worse than the life I'm living now. I read this: "death is not the greatest loss in life, loss is when life dies inside you while u are alive". I need to do something. I've managed since Wednesday with him ignoring me so maybe I can do this x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/12/2015 23:12

Death by a thousand cuts is still a death

And it's a slow death, and more painful than it needs to be

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 23:16

OMG, just kick him out. What a waste of time he is. Are you so low that you'd rather be with him than be alone? I left an Ex after 20 years together. It was bliss to be in my own home without him, I even used to lock the door at night and whisper "lockdown" to myself....meaning "Phew I am here alone and safe and how great is this!" Just do it! Once you decide and you plan it, it's the most exciting thing ever! Now happily remarried and all is well. You only live one life. Make it the best it can be.

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