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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's lied again and again

45 replies

MrsParker · 05/12/2015 22:02

So it's our 9 year anniversary today and he's gone out. I'm home with the kids. I found out Wednesday that he's been borrowing hundreds of pounds from his dad to spend on iTunes apps on his phone, like £600 in last two weeks. I want to tell his parents, but I don't because, I know he'll go mad. This is my fault according to him as I'm too controlling. By that he means I keep complaining about him spending money we can't afford. If you check my previous posts you'll see a back story of finding him using internet sex sites,texting another women and gambling. He promised to change, that he was sorry. Two years have passed since then and it's misery. I don't trust him,check up on him and find he's lied again. He does nothing at home. He is so self righteous, that if he didn't feel trapped he wouldn't keep spending all out money on in app purchases, I just can't believe that he can believe this. I read this page religiously and I know what I should do, but I don't, and the cycle goes on. He Never goes out and neither do I, mainly as we are to poor. We have a dog now, and that has become my new excuse, can't sell house as can't rent with a dog. He gets angry very easily, screams and swears. I guess I've posted tonight as I've read every thread trying to work out that to do and would like some support.

OP posts:

TracyBarlow · 06/12/2015 00:28

If you can't leave now, then try and do one thing today to start the long walk down that road. Write a list of what you need to do to extricate yourself from this relationship. Tick one thing off every day. If you get to the last item on the list and you don't want to leave, then don't. But I reckon once you've removed all of these practical obstacles, you'll be running for the hills.

Good luck OP.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/12/2015 00:35

Don't let the fa t that you haven't left him yet convince you that you won't or can't leave him.

You will.

Change is scary but sometimes we just have to hoik up our grown up pants and face it

FinallyHere · 06/12/2015 07:50

As posters upthread have said, he will keep on doing what he is doing, while you let him. Can you get angry at him for that, and use that energy to wrench yourself free? Sure he will make it difficult for you, but then he's got it made at the moment, hasn't he? Do you want him to be right, that he can continue do this and you will let him, or..... xx

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/12/2015 07:59

"can't sell house as can't rent with a dog"

I do (with my large dog), although I put down a double sized deposit to cover any dog damage. Also, I let my property and am a pet-friendly LL. So although it's harder it's not impossible. Apparently it's easier if you have a small dog compared to a big one. You could always make enquiries with local letting agents to get a feel for what's possible? You don't have to do anything yet, but it's just preparation. Break the dauting task into little pieces and start with research.

Also, would you even have to leave the marital home of you split up?

Original poster

MrsParker · 06/12/2015 08:09

He is quite clear that he won't leave. Not married, when I say I want us to separate he just ignores me. The house is joint names, we would have to live together in misery until it sold, and mentally that would be torture, perhaps why I keep forgiving. I have started to make changes, I changed my job so I'm not doing shifts anymore, which would mean I could do manage without him for childcare. That was 8 months ago though and still haven't gone further. Up early as couldn't sleep and have started making a list of things I need to do to make it happen. Thing is, he won't discuss anything

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2015 09:38

Don't discuss anything then

Make your plans and keep them to yourself..

I expect when he finally takes you seriously and the blubbering starts he will wail "WHY didn't you tell me how you felt" but whose fault will that be ?

pocketsaviour · 06/12/2015 13:02

Can I suggest you see a solicitor next week - lots do free half hour initial appointments. Find out how much mortgage is left on the house, and if you had anything written into the mortgage about what proportion you both put into the deposit.

As you are not married you have less rights to stay in the house and force him out, I believe, so your best bet may be to make your own arrangements to leave and rent elsewhere, and then force the house sale through legally.

If you left, would he struggle to cover the whole mortgage alone? If he would, this would give him extra incentive to put it on the market and not drag his feet.

Get the information you need first - you may find just KNOWING things makes the future seem less frightening, because it will be less unknown.

tribpot · 06/12/2015 13:12

Every time I catch him lying he becomes more arrogant

Because every time you let it slide confirms how much more power in the relationship he has than you.

I'd start off by telling his parents he's spending their money on apps. I would imagine they are under the impression that they are helping fund Christmas presents for his children or something slightly more worthy. Cut off the funding before it destroys any equity you have in the house.

Realistically how much money do you have tied up in the house?

It seems like it occurred to you when you got the dog that you were cutting off an escape route by making it harder to rent. There may be options to have the dog housed temporarily if you are escaping an abusive situation, which it sounds like you might be.

Original poster

MrsParker · 06/12/2015 13:21

We actually decided to get the dog in April, when I found he'd borrowed hundreds from his parents to spend on an iTunes game, in his apology, and by way of showing his intention to change, he sold account and we used money to buy dog :( except now it's just another stupid game he's addicted to!
I know I've been a fool, I do. I want to change. He's happily sitting on the sofa watching films whilst I iron and clean.
I did see a solicitor at CAB about a year ago, but she was very vague, gave me a price list for services, £100s which I don't have :(

OP posts:

mix56 · 06/12/2015 13:22

First, make sure his debts are is own. You need to tell his parents, that he is borrowing on his own, & is gambling. tell them that your relationship has been irrevocably damaged by his addiction, & that you are going to sell the house before you find yourselves in even great financial peril.
Make this real, make it LIVE, tell him that you are putting the house on the market unless he wants to buy you out. Tell him this is one shove too many.
Come on, do this for your children,You are not a carpet, you run your home, you work, you don't need him.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/12/2015 13:37

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN A FOOL! It takes an extremely strong person to tolerate his recklessness and irresponsibility while keeping the family secure.

I had a father like your partner. Every single financial crisis he caused was fixed by our mother working her fingers to the ruddy bone. She should have ditched him but didn't. Until he fucked off and left her for someone else after 20-odd years of marriage. Please, do not be that woman. You're worth so much more than the life he's making you live.

Honestly, the hardest part is what you're enduring now. Fear of change is understandable but I know that your future cannot possibly be more miserable than the present. This man is in danger of taking you all down with him at any moment.

Think of it: closing your front door, all of you safe, happy and secure with no nasty surprises on the horizon.

Also, I think you most certainly should tell his parents what he's been squandering their money on. Most especially if they're likely to be looking to you to pay it back at some point.

AyeAmarok · 06/12/2015 13:58

Is there any equity in your property, MrsP?

Original poster

MrsParker · 06/12/2015 14:20

Quite a bit of equity as my dad let us buy it cheap if we agreed to pay him £50k back when we sold. I know he can kiss goodbye to that as he never got anything in writing :(

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 06/12/2015 14:52

Shit

Do you think that your DP has taken out loans or anything against the equity in it? Or do you mean that he just won't hand over the 50k because he'll want to keep it?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/12/2015 15:03

This fucking arse could be "persuaded" to not claim any of that 50k in return for your not mentioning the internet sex-sites to his parents.

You need a greater share of the equity because it's obvious he'll never contribute any child-support. Not with his addiction to sex-sites, "apps" or whatever he's doing. Sounds like him going to court is unlikely as he probably doesn't have a pot to piss in.

You know that the only reason he hasn't remortgaged and taken every penny of the equity in your family home is because it requires both signatures, don't you?

Get his parents on-side and tell him to leave and take the dog with him while he's at it

Original poster

MrsParker · 06/12/2015 15:21

I mean when we sell house he won't honour verbal agreement to pay my dad back, for that I am ashamed. I hope there's no secured loans, he did ask if we should remortgage a little while ago and I said no. Any secured loans on property would be without my knowledge, so fraud surely. No evidence of deposits of that size on his bank statement so think I'm safe

OP posts:

mix56 · 06/12/2015 15:27

well when it is sold, you can tell the solicitor there is a loan to be repaid first. Whether your OH is honourable or not.

tribpot · 06/12/2015 16:01

So worst case scenario is you feel you must repay your dad out of your share of the profit after sale. Your dad would likely say no (or at least 'not yet') but I would discuss this whole situation openly and honestly with your parents, since effectively they've got financial risk here just as you do.

It all suggests that the sooner you can sever all financial ties between you the better. And you need to give your parents the true picture about the state of their investment, which was for your benefit (and their grandchildren's), not his.

Original poster

MrsParker · 06/12/2015 16:14

The thing is my parents separated acrimoniously many years ago, I started talking to my mum again and my dad has cut me off, I haven't spoken to him since Easter. I imagine he will just want his money back wherever it comes from. I hate the idea of him getting half the money, probably another reason I'm stalling. He hates my dad, as he's wanted me to leave him for years. My dad isn't rich but he wanted to move abroad and we agreed to sell in 6 years with all of us making some money. That was 8 years ago. My partner is carrying on as normal today, still ignoring me, with minimal conversation, I know he's waiting for me to give in, be a good girl and not mention his latest fuck up

OP posts:

tribpot · 06/12/2015 20:19

Yet another reason to get the house sold if your Dad has been waiting 2 years for his cash. I do think you will end up having to refund your Dad out of your half, although you should give no sign of that to your H of course.

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