What to do if you're way more into the relationship than the other person?

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

Been seeing a guy for 6 months now, we're both relatively recently single (no crossover though) with kids and it's going well, except I can't shake the feeling that I'm more into it than him. We haven't discussed 'feelings' and I'm not sure I want to in case it scares him off, but on the other hand I'm not sure I want to go on not knowing either. I hate the fact that so much of whether I'm in a good mood or not depends on whether I've heard from him or not.

Part of me thinks I should end it and work on being happy in myself, but I do really like him.

Has anyone experienced similar and what was the outcome?

I know but it's just so hard. I'm recovering from a breakdown brought on by my abusive ex, which is why we separated, I didn't mean to get into another relationship so quickly, I just wanted to date casually to prove I could still attract someone. But things really clicked with this guy, and so it went on. Everything was fine a week ago, I honestly didn't see this coming, well until the day I started this thread really.

It just feels like my journey to self-reliance has just got that much longer. And part of me wonders why I should even bother.

I know it's a cliché but the reason to bother is because it's all a journey. There is no destination, no moment in time when you will be the perfect self-reliant version of you.

This is all we have.

And I know it's tough.

I just wanted to date casually to prove I could still attract someone.

See, you've done this now, you've got that out of your system. Perhaps next time you will date for a different (healthier?) reason.

Thanks for sticking with me RedMapleLeaf I'm just in such a mess right now, and focussing on all the wrong things.

But if I never become a self-reliant person, how will it ever be the right time to date? I don't want to end up alone.

Have I recommended Getting Naked Again on this thread?

(Also, you're welcome. I'm at a similar stage of life).

No, what's Getting Naked Again?

It's a book about dating after a long period of not dating (e.g. after separation, widowhood, childrearing etc). The title's a bit corny but I've found the book humorous and very useful in terms of rethinking some of my beliefs about dating.

It's my work Christmas do tonight and I was really looking forward to it. Now all I can think about is that I'll probably end up sobbing at some point or drunk texting him. I know the way to avoid it is to delete his number but I can't bring myself to do it, just the thought of doing it is upsetting me.

Perhaps picture how you would you most love to wake up in the morning and what memories of tonight you'd like to have?

I would tell myself that I choose not to text him tonight whilst I'm drunk and vulnerable but, if I want to, I can text him tomorrow when I'm sober, strong and in a good place.

Change one of the digits in his number in your phone book. You're unlikely to remember when drunk but sober you can change it back should you want to.

I would still go to your do tonight but try and regard it as purely a breather from everything else going on. Resolve not to talk about it and ask others lots of questions about their lives instead.

I made it through the evening without drunken texts. Had a little sob in the evening but got over it quickly.

Well done OP. I was out last night with friends, and it was lovely to see people out with friends, colleagues etc and having a good time.

MyGastisflabbered I can remember feeling as you do (quite a few times in fact). I just wanted to say that I know you fear being alone. I had this and because of it went from relationship to relationship.

Turns out that being alone was just what I needed! It is lovely to be at peace with yourself.

Maybe you need to get over this hump and embrace some space to get some rest for yourself?

Best wishes.

Me again, I'm weakening and tempted to go to the gig we were meant to be going to tonight in the hope of seeing him. Please tell me it's a really bad idea.

I messaged him briefly yesterday to tell him I wasn't going to go and he just replied that I should and that he would talk to me if he saw me.

I've got as far as unfriending him on FB but still can't bring myself to delete his number.

And I just feel like I need to find a replacement asap, which I know is a really bad idea.

Oh for goodness sakes.

Honestly started to wonder if this is a troll.

Sorry that was a tad abrupt.

If you are for real, then you need to not go to the gig. You need to delete his number. You need to focus on sorting out your head, and not being reliant on another person to do that for you, because that's what is happening; you're forming unhealthy and dependent relationships, when quite frankly it sounds like you need to spend a large amount of time alone before you can even consider it.

A "replacement"? Those are other people you're talking about.

If you're not in therapy already, you need to be. You evidently have a huge amount of issues.

I'm not a troll, been about for a long time. Yes I'm in therapy, yes I'm aware I have issues, yes I am hoping to deal with them before I even consider dating again.

No I won't go to the gig tonight.

That's the correct decision, for you, and for him. It wouldn't achieve anything.

Viewing another potential partner as a "replacement", when you admit that you didn't even really have feelings for this individual, says a lot. You really need to learn how to be okay being alone. You need to do it for you, but also for anyone you may meet in the future; it wouldn't be fair on a new partner to be relied on so heavily, as effectively you're looking for someone to be your complete network, and that's not fair. Is being with someone - a person you don't even really like - in an unequal relationship, really better than being single?

Focus on addressing your problems, and making sure your children develop healthier connections than you do.

I wouldn't go to the gig OP. Decide to go at a future date when you're more strong in yourself and less reliant on wanting him to be there to make the night worthwhile.

I don't think 'replacement' was quite the right word, it's more like I can only see my worth if it's validated by someone else, I feel rejected by this man so I feel I need to attract someone else to prove I can. I need that validation.

You want that validation. But what you need is to find your worth in yourself, not in how someone else views you.

I am working on it, but 6 years with an EA arsehole won't be put right in minutes. I just need some hand holding through the next few weeks until this stops hurting.

What type of things are you doing to work on it?