Different surname to my child: not happy with this anymore

[harveybristol]

The title of this post pretty much sums up my issue here. I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my partner's child around 3 years ago, we're mature consenting adults with good jobs etc!
we discussed the prospect of marriage and DP and agreed that out baby would have his surname and we would marry when baby was able to walk down the aisle with me.
she's almost 2 years old now, no marriage proposal in sight and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated at having a different surname as my Daughter. What bugs me is that she also has the same surname as my interfering 'inlaws' who regularly refer to the fact that 'oooo she's definitely a Smith isn't she.' I hate it.

Whenever DP and I have a differing opinion on something to do with DD they always jump to his defence and I wind up feeling demeaned, whilst unable to shake the thought that ultimately, she's one of them and I'm on the outside.
I blew up at DP about it tonight after another interference from them this week and told him that I'll be changing DDs surname to mine if things don't look to change soon. Not sure where it all came from, but I must have subconsciously been feeling this way for a while.

Is this an over-reaction or am I right to feel this way?

I wouldn't stay with a man who wouldn't marry me. Fuck that. You should have had a rock on your finger by now and a date set. How frustrating! Maybe he's planning a Christmas proposal?

Why are your PIL even party to your disagreements with your DP?

Why does he get the final say on how proposals work?

This all sounds like much more than a question of surnames.

Think it's definitely an in-laws issue Hmm about the proposal, why does DP not think its the right time? Can you guys afford it? Have you asked him why? I mean, if he's sure about you and money isn't a problem don't see much point in waiting, especially when the name bothers you. Only you know your DP and whether or not he's trying to get out of anything.

Sorry OP but I don't think he has any intention of marrying. I have heard this all before with my bestf who was royally shafted a couple of years ago. She was the 'partner' of a man for twenty-five years. Had four children with him. When pregnant with the first he said they would get married when the baby 'was able to sit through the wedding service' ... He then stopped 'believing' in marriage, she kept waiting. Was a SAHM for 23 yrs. right up until he met a 24 yr old Latvian on 'business' in Dubai. He suddenly found his belief in marriage and whisked her off to the registry office within 12 weeks of meeting. My Bestf was left with nothing except cm for two out of four kids (the other 2 being at Uni). She was allowed to live in 'his' house for five years until youngest was 18. So in 3 yrs time she is homeless, with no income and no work skills to offer an employer. He is a 51 yr old hedge fund manager with a now 26 yr old wife and baby. OP I offer this sad story as a cautionary tale. Do not have more children with this man. He is either not asking you because he's scared of his parents or he doesn't respect you enough to be his wife. In your circumstances I would tell him what you want and leave if you don't get it. Then his parents can have a real moan !

Marilyn, that is a terrible story. How tragic for your poor, dedicated friend.

I had a baby before being married....and to my surprise the different surname has been a big issue for me too. My low points have been when going through airports with my baby son when DP isn't with us. The immigration person looks at me 'what is your relationship to this child? Why don't you have the same name? Show me his birth certificate.' UGH, for some reason this sends a chill through me - like my dedication and devotion to my gorgeous baby is being questioned. I MADE him for Gods sake!!! That is my relationship!!!!

Absolutely no judgement (only admiration) for mothers who don't care whether they share their children's surname. I just do. Fortunately my DP hates the different surname thing even more than me so we are getting married in January.

Good luck OP.

Msbigsister, that's a very sad story, but thank you for sharing it. I wish MN HQ would put it on some sort of "sticky" at the top of this board.

I don't have an opinion on anyone else changing names but the 'she's definitely a smith' comment, well that couldn't bother anyone, my parents often say of my DS 'he is definitely an x'. X being my paternal grandmother's maiden name, one that he has never had, I have never had, my dad never had. It's just a way of saying she shares characteristics/looks with that side of the family.

LH & Iona thank you for your kind comments (and sorry OP For mini hijack). I have told this sorry tale a number of times over the last couple of years. In fact I had a whole thread running last week imploring women not to have children if a) getting married is really important to you . Or you are planning to be a SAHM or on a much reduced salary once baby has arrived and reliant on your OH to make ends meet.

Why is his desire for a 'romantic gesture' more important than your desire for the security of knowing when you will be married? His wishes do not trump yours.

If you don't agree, you need to have an honest discussion and come to a compromise you both can live with. Isn't that what committed partners do?

For me marriage is very much a practicality. It changes your status, has legal and financial implications. It creates a family and makes your dd a child of the family in legal terms.

I think Marilynsbigsister's advice is extremely wise.

As a separate point, I am going to be a second wife (my first marriage) and if it all went wrong in the future I want to feel as sure (as is possible) that I don't receive any EXTRA unfair treatment because DP has already given half his wealth away once before. Hopefully it will never ever be a question, but Marilynsbigsister's story reminds me how much all this matters, and how easy it is to forget when all is romantic and happy.

LHReturns, I have been questioned about my relationship to my ds as well, I've never assumed the immigration person is making a judgement about why I choose not to have the same name as my ds - let's face it, being an immigration official is hard enough without having to adopt a judgemental tone during a simple question. As a way of combating child abduction I find this questioning of parents who don't share a surname (more often mothers than fathers) stupid and ineffective, but I don't read any more into it than 'I am obliged to ask you this ludicrous question so let's get on with it'.

Can't help but feel that DP is happy for DD to be part of the family his parents created, I often feel like the surrogate who provided them with another family member!
It's taken a long time to get DP to be a part of 'our' family, the one 'we' created but it's been blooming hard work.
Since standing up to PILs shortly after DD was born and me putting my foot down about the amount of visits and family engagements we were having to endure, it's created a distance between DP and I. He backs me up most of the time, but I can't help but pick up on his resentment. It wouldn't surprise me if PILs have been putting little thoughts in DPs head about the disadvantages of marriage now.
No more children until it happens, that's for sure. Although, not sure I fancy leaving and becoming a single mum either if marriage is now out of the question for DP.
Atleast my name is on the mortgage, I'm still entitled to inherit half if we're not marrie aren't I?

Tribpot of course you are 100% correct. I just don't like like it! The US immigration people are especially suspicious in the way they ask, and it makes me feel sad every time. But you are quite right.

You won't necessarily get half the value of the house if you are on the mortgage. You may only get a percentage equivalent to what you put in if you split, and you may have to argue that the time you spent bringing up DD counts as a contribution. It's far from cut and dried which is why it is best to be married if you have children together.

If you are in Scotland you can call yourself anything you like as long as there is no intent to deceive. If you are I would just start using your surname for DD from now on.

If not, I would say to dp you want a legal agreement of who gets the house if you split, what and when the other person receives from the equity, and wills in each others' favour with provision for DD. Also an agreement to change dd's name until you are married.

If he says no, he's leaving you and DD out to dry if he dies or leaves the relationship. If he's happy to do this, when you've already suggested a solution, you will know exactly how much he values your relationship.

This is actually very easy to solve

Just change YOUR NAME so that its the same surname as your child. No one can stop you doing that.

Elb, have you actually read the thread? The surname is just a symbol of what the OP perceives to be her total powerlessness within her relationship. And she should be uneasy. Her status is deeply insecure.

OP, as I always say on these threads (which come up several times a week on Mn), the time for 'proposal as surprise romantic gesture' is loooong past. The time for 'proposal as practical legal safeguarding measure' is, however, now. No decent human being would want to deny their partner that.

Explain why, if your relationship is to continue, marriage is necessary, and book the 'notice of marriage' slot at your local registry. You can show up with a couple of witnesses and do the whole thing for £200 or less. (Have a big party later, if you like.) If he refuses, I think you have your answer about his priorities.

And for God's sake, don't become a SAHM.

I had the understanding that provided we have a joint ownership mortgage, then there's nothing else I especially need to be entitled to as an unmarried partner? Excuse me if I'm wrong. If anyone can correct me on this that would be great.

I've kept my career going castadiva, just doing it part-time. I can always go full time again should I need to. Just means I perhaps don't have masses of savings, this aside, DP has no more than I do as disposable income is split equally.

This is why my children have my surname. I wasn't married when I had them and I am still not. I didn't want a different name to my children and when dp said its only a name I told him he was correct and registered them in my name. Reading your post has made me realise I did the correct thing.

Marilynsbigsister - the other way to look at your friend's situation is that she has three years to acquire some useful work skills, have you encouraged her to use this time to train? You make it sound like she's just sitting and waiting for homelessness...

There are two different issues with the house.

Being on the mortgage means nothing.

Owning as tenants in common in equal shares means that you each own half. You would not inherit his half unless he has a valid will saying so (your child would). If you split, you would own your half.

There is also a form of ownership called joint tenancy. In that case you both own the whole house together (so no provision in a will can leave it to someone else and without a will you get it ).

This is only for England and Wales.

I am really not bothered about having a different name from my children, but if women are then I suppose they should insist on giving their children their surname and keep their own name whether they marry or not.
This also avoids problems if there is subsequent divorce or re-marriage.

I anticipated that this was going to happen to me while I was pregnant and so I double barrelled my baby's name and didn't put ex on birth certificate. I have now changed the name by deed poll so it's just my surname.

I'm sorry to agree with those who say "don't give up your job" and "don't be disappointed that he probably doesn't want to get married"

If later on you do happen to split at least you won't have to attend all the in laws gatherings - there's always a silver lining.x

I can't believe that there are women who are happy to sit passively and wait for a proposal at their partner's leisure and believe that's an acceptable state of affairs. Some women actually prefer this! To be fair I know op isn't happy, but you're accepting it aren't you? What would happen if you said 'I don't want a romantic proposal when you feel like it, I am angry that you are not allowing me an equal say in this next step of our lives, I want to plan when we will get married together, and discuss it now'?