DD lost bestfriend and heartbroken, how can I help?

[Sonnet]

Please help....DD, aged 10 and in year 5, has "lost" her best friend, they have been friends through thick and thin since nursery. She is devestated, I am heartbroken for her and feel powerless to help...

I so desperatly need some cool calm advice to help her. She has other friends, but as she explains it they are all in friendship groups and dont need/want anyone else to join.

How can I help her?

As background, DD was always a popular girl, her and BF were always together but within a larger circle of friends and another girl was particularly friendly with DD.(I'll call her E.) DD did have problems with E in Yr1 as E only wanted DD to play with her but with the teachers involvement and support DD managed to handle this. Last year ( year 4) E palled up with another girl and subjected DD to some emotional and verbal bullying. DD found this very hard particularly as she wasn;t in the same class as BF. Anyway the bullying eventually stopped but DD lost E as a freind and 2 other girls who now have a trendy "in group". This trendy "in-group" is a bitchfest - I observed some incredibly sophiticated bitchy behavior from them last week, so all in all both DD, DH & I are glad she is out of "That".All through this DD had the friendship and support of BF ( who also suffered at the hads of E and friends). Towards the end of last school year another girl joined the school ( I'll call her J) and DD and BF be-friended her and became quite close.At the beginning of last week J & BF started running off together at lunchtime, hiding from DD etc, not waiting for her or including her. DD asked what was wrong and received no response. DD and I had a heart to heart on Friday night and I ended up posting a thread called "untrendy Mum needs help with DD" (sorry cannot do links)where I received some Fantastic advice. But of couse I told only part of the story....
On Monday they were not waiting for her at the usual meeting spot and she didn't talk to them all day despite being in the same class. DD feels that BF dosn't really want to treat her like this because a couple of times BF stopped to talk to DD and J pulled her away, J whispers away to BF loking at DD and BF looks at the ground in an embarressed way. BF phoned DD on Sunday over homework and they chatted and laughed for ages although didn't mention the previous week. While I do not want DD to clutch at straws I do feel that there is something in what she says as BF is such an easy going little thing and just goes along with the flow. She has always been like that and I have known her for 7 years!
DH and I have advised DD to back off, if BF wants to come back she will.
BUT, the dilema, how do I help DD make new friends when they are all in friendship groups - she had loads of friends at one point, but what with E and 2 others going off in their own group and now BF, she is suddenly all alone.
I so need some words of wisdom, she is being so so brave.....Please help!!

thanks anniemac - yes she is weak and spineless!! in fact when DD asked me why J had "chosen" BF and not her I replied by asking DD what she would have done if J had told her to leave BF out. DD was horrified, and said that she would never have left BF out! - As I explained to DD then "J knows that and that is why she chose BF".
DD would never treat anybody like that as she has been on the receiving end herself prior to this!

There are always "weak" ones who are left out then let back in aren't there! - I remember that too.....
She has to grieve for BF and move on..

Sonnet, how sad, I think annimac's advice is excellent. It's easier to give advice for other peoples' children when you are not emotionally involved, and I can imagine how horrible this must be for you, but I do think that dd will learn something and come out stronger from this. She sounds like a really lovely and kind girl.

Thanks anniemac and saadia...
I'll keep her boosted...she is kind and loving and always sees the best in people - just like my DH who got to adulthood before he realised not everybody was like him!!

Sonnet
So feel for you - my dd is now 13.5 and we've had lots of fallings in and out over the years.
Dd is neither strong nor weak, but tends to fall in the middle, which somehow makes her easier to pick.
Having said that, after an experience not dissimilar to your dd when she was in Yr. 6, she has toughened up, and seems to cope more easily with the inevitable ups and downs she comes across in her friendships now. So maybe your dd is learning a few useful life skills, that she will benefit from in her teenage years.
You really feel sore for them though, don't you.

Thanks fairyjay!
anniemac - I can see that - it makes sense! I posted a thread on Friday re "untrendy mum" as talking to DD she feels on the edge of things, not wearing the right clothes etc so maybe this is indicitive of the others growing away from her.

I just hope she finds friend son her level eventually!!

bump for the evening crowd

another bump for the evening/night time crowd!

I think I'd be inclined to have BF round on quite a few playdates .. the more they're together the more likely they will be to talk about these issues and the more likely it will be that they'll sort them out between them and that will extend to school playtimes

I disagree twiglett - i think it better to invite 'new' people around for playdates. I think the thing with BF has run its course and i think it would be a waste of time. Clearly BF is easily swayed - a few playdates wont change that.

God this brings back memories...

Sonnet - I think what anniemac has said is really great.

I couldn't agree more that this BF is a being a total 'sheep'. It's so hard for your DD not to be hurting but it will make her stronger - a hard lesson to learn and understand, I know. But at least DD isn't joining in and being part of that, or any other, crowd.

I think encouraging DD to be civil/pleasant to BF - without 'punishing' her for what she's doing or kissing arse to get her back - is the way forward.

In the meantime, are there gentle/non-obvious ways you can make a fuss of DD to take her mind off things? i.e. are there activities she'd want to do before Crimbo; ice skating, baking biscuits for the tree, homemade cards/gifts (clutching at straws here but you know what I mean!) Could help boost her confidence and make her feel good about herself.

All of us have been through something like this at one time or another haven't we? And it's so hard to pass on advice cos you just feel awful when you're in the middle of it. I hope she's OK xx.

When a kinda similar thing happened to my DD I did what Twiggy is suggesting. I encouraged DD1 and her friend to meet outside of school. This way they were able to keep up their friendship without the pressure of the other girl.

DD1 is now at a separate senior school to the other 2 girls and stills sees her friend outside of school without the poison that the other girl brought.

It's hard and it's sadly a lesson that we all learn. I think it's very important to tell your DD how wonderfully she's behaving the way she has. It is hard to watch, but after giving the little help that we can, that's all we can do.

I hope things turn around for her. You never know... she may do like my DD1 and realise that she's grown and her friend's attention isn't quite as important as it used to be. My DD1 is now making some gorgeous friends.

hth

Thanks so much everyone - I really appreciate all the advice

Hmmm v interensting to read what Twiglett posted as BF spends quite a bit of time here, asks to come just to hang out with us, no special events going on....She was supposed to be coming on Friday after school for a sleepover, BF apparently told DD today at school that sheis looking forward to it, DD is happy for her to come because she things they can talk about the issues. I am in 2 minds but am happy to do what DD wants this ONCE!!

Am definatly going to ask others over although that dosn't appear to help dd at school as they still stick like glue to their freindship groups.
Asmarslady, magicgenie and VVV suggested - yes I will make a fuss of her and do lots of one to one.....
Thnaks again
Sonnet xx

It will pass Sonnet. Takes time but they will grow through this. They may or may not remain friends, but this time will pass.

Thanks again for all the advice which I've read through again with a calmer head on!!

I have arranged for 3 different girls to come round on 1 to 1 playdates over the holidays and for DD to join a hockey club which she is so looking forward to!!

From previous messages you will know that BF was suppose to be coming over on Friday for a sleepover after they break up at 2pm. This morning I witnessed then both completly blank DD who was so upset by this!.

So am in a tricky situation as have to phone BF's mum to cancel - bf's mum is working tomorrow and relying on me to look after BF from 2pm!!.
I am going to discuss with DD 2nite.

I told DD to walk tall and ignore them for the rest of the day, she will be in my heart and mind all day poor little thing!!

I ment to say I witnessed both bf and J completely balnk DD after she called out to them in the playground, they then ran off

Cancel the sleep-over.

Do something special with your DD instead - or ask if there is anyone else she would like to have come round.

Let the other mum know what has been happening, that your DD is upset and doesnt want her to come round, and explain why you therefore cant pick up her DD at 2pm after all. I'd be tempted to suggest she asked if J's mum could pick up your DD instead, but I think that may well be OTT.

I agree, it will be best for your dd's self esteem to cancel the sleepover. The ex BF can't expect to treat her like that then come round, as someone said, actions have consequences!

I really would be straight with the BF's mother - 'BF has broken friends with DD, and when dd tries to talk to her at school she is being ignored...she's very upset about it and I can't look after BF because it would upset dd even further.' Make it clear you don't believe BF wants to come round to yours to be looked after, as she is ignoring your dd in school!

I'm sorry it's all still so difficult but it WILL change, she will get other friends - hang in there....

I agree, definitely tell BFs mum. A v similar situation happened to my dd last year, she was also 10. All sorted itself out in a month or two, everyone friends again. I have told her to tread carefully with her BF who 'turned', but they really do seem fine.
Also, a mum of one of dd friends spoke to me the other day, that my dd was ignoring her dd, and upsetting her. Obviously, I explained she had wrong end of stick, my dd is victim here etc. Got home, dd said she had been, cos someone else had told her too! she is normally v independent! so, ups and downs are the norm with girlies I think, can make up as easily as break up, so please don't worry, it will all sort out soon! Sorry for v long message....

definitely cancel the sleepover, and explain to the mum why.

yes, I see your point totally. I think in my dd's situation though, it doesn't seem that there is a constant ringleader type, - the girls who were horrendous last year are now fine, others have taken there turn being awful (thankfully not to my dd any more). Also, I have made her really aware of what to look out for, and not to take any mean behaviour, and she is much stronger now. But no mean stuff has happened again, so, I don't know, if there is a really obvious ringleader then it's best to be out of it, but they all seem to have their moments IYSWIM!