I am NC with PIL -affecting relationship with DH

[peaz]

I am NC with PIL for what I believe to be a completely valid reason. DH supports it, and although they have said to him that I am invited to dinner etc (They don't want NC and have said that they wish to make amends) I don't want this.

There has been a couple of occasions where he has forgotten to do something and it falls to me to pick up the slack- buy a birthday card for MIL and get DS2 to call MIL on his birthday. I had to get the card (which made me sick) and when DS2 gets home from school I have to call MIL as DH will be working late. I have said I will do this, but can he remember these things in future. He flipped. Told me I don't have to speak to her- just press the buttons and let DS2 speak. That it was unfair on him, he was going through a living hell, he is in an awful position.

I don't want to be accused of dripfeeding but this isn't AIBU so I will explain why I am NC but please do not tell me IABU.

My brother had a heart attack a few months ago. It was late at night and my DH and DM drove to his house (2 hours away). DH called his mum and asked her to come up in the morning to look after DSs so that I could go to be my DB. I then texted her and asked her to give me a call when they were en route (45 mins away) so that I could be ready to go. I didn't hear back but it was late, and to be honest there was no need to respond to that. But perhaps a 'OK, I am sorry to hear about DB. I hope he is OK' or something.

Anyway, sadly my DB didn't make it. It was and still is a huge shock. We were very close and he was a wonderful, incredible guy. My DH called his mum to tell her, and I am unsure of the conversation but she knew. All I know is that she asked us to make sure we came back the following day as she had to pick up here other GKs from school. The next morning I get a reply to my text- "ok". Nothing else.

So they turn up, and say hi but nothing else. We leave pretty soon after (DH had travelled back during the early hours so that I wasn't alone). That night I called to see how the DS's were and she waffled (as she does). Again, didn't ask/say anything relating to my DB or DSIL, DN or DM.

The following day we came home, DM with us. As soon as we walked through the door MIL sprung up and ran to us telling us how DS2 soiled his pants and said I would be angry with him. That was it. We went into the house, sat at the table with them- they were playing a game with DS1- and said nothing. DM made a drink, MIL stayed at the table with DS1 and FIL and they said NOTHING.

They made excuses and went soon after. DM and I were upset, DH was livid. We heard nothing for days and then DH decided to call them. Their reasons were- they didn't want to say anything in front of DS1 (We hadn't told him). So - no text, no call, no cursory touch of a hand, nothing when she ran to the door and DSs were out of earshot, no card?
She didn't think they had to get a card- these people send EASTER cards.
They didn't know what to say- So saying nothing is better?
We didn't say anything so they felt uncomfortable- I don't even know what to say to that.
They didn't call to find out how DS1 was when we told him (DS2 is too young), or to find out how his party went (4 days after. DH asked if they would come up and help out with it and they said they didn't want to be in the way...).

Since this happened they spoke to people about how they will never see they DG again (that was never ever said, much less implied) and they were on the phone straight away to their DD who then told her husband who in turn sent a barrage of abusive texts to DH and then to me. They know we are NC with their daughter and her husband.

About a month ago they spoke to him about how they regret what they did, "but its too late now". And he agrees. So its too late to do anything so I should just ignore it happened and move on? These people are supposed to support me at the very least but also support their son who had lost a great friend. They wish things were different. So DH tells me, and I am struggling hugely with this. They also said they want to get me a Christmas present (strange how there was no birthday present...) but don't want to get it thrown back in their face so could he check with me first. So I will be the bitch if I don't want to accept their olive branch?

So now.

I had to get MIL a birthday card. A bit rich, considering the lack of a condolence card. And now I have to get DS2 to call her so she can wish him a happy birthday.

I don't want to but I said I will. I also asked DH to remember to do these things. And he flipped, saying that this is hard on him too, he is in a living hell, he hates this, it is unfair on him. I have done NOTHING wrong. Nothing. Yet I have agreed to do things for him, for them. They turn on the sob story waterworks and he feels for them. He tells me and I tell him that I am not interested. I get the backlash.

This will break us. I know it will. I am completely heartbroken over the loss of my brother, and I don't have the energy to fight for this. I don't see why I should fight for this.

Can anyone help? I just want my DH to leave all talk of his parents at the door. I want him to remember to do things that involves them without my input. He wants an easy life with them even if it means me feeling unhappy.

I am aware of this mammoth message but I am lost, I really am. I just want NC with them and for DH to understand it.

Peaz you have done Nothing wrong. They are narcs and will not change nor will they ever see your point of view. Try and find a way to make this right with your husband. You, him and the kids are what matters. Come over to the statelyhomes thread. We are all on similar journeys

sheba it is most definitely not difficult for a husband when his wife won't speak to his parents , we have managed it very nicely for 18 yrs indeed had had I not gone NC with them we may well have ended up in the divorce courts because they caused more arguments between us than anything else ever has . OP , you are not overreacting ,you must do what is right for you .

"Assuming you love your husband more than you hate your in laws, I think you may have to start giving a little"

this sums it up very well I think. Op you don't like them, which is fine, you can't like everybody. I think "No Contact" is used quite glibly sometimes - as in I don't like having to deal with these people, I'm not going to. The going NC^ is the easy bit, it's the ramifications that come from this, particularly on the immediate family. You are basically asking your DH to choose between you and his parents.

It does seem unfair as, whilst you might not like them, your not tolerating any contact at all, impacts on their relationship with your DH and their GC. It just seems to me like the NC is actually making your life (and everyone's) life harder than it has to be, particularly at the moment.

I have quite a number of family members I would quite happily never speak to again, but it would upset my parents. I don't dislike these people enough to do that - they haven't done anything particularly awful, I just don't like them. On the other hand, DHs mother is an actively damaging person who treated her DCs appallingly at some times (I don't feel able to disclose as its not my place to but a lot of the stuff in his childhood eg violence and neglect, would warrant DC being taken into care these days).

I just think it's worth keeping this in perspective. Sometimes you have to just rub along with people for the greater good. They might be thoughtless, insensitive and a bit selfish, but it's also quite selfish behaviour on your part to just cut them out and cause conflict for your DH and DC.

I honestly think if you just take some time and allow yourself this time to grieve and think about the future, it might actually make your life easier to just interact with them on a basic level and leave the majority of interaction to your DH and DC, without trying to police that.

I have no idea why that is all in italics sorry!

Peaz I wouldn't suggest for one moment that you need to be in physical danger to go NC - I'm NC with a family member and have never been in physical danger so I get where it comes from.

It's very difficult to judge from individual posts about individual incidences the full situation someone's in and my comments were on the basis of your first two posts. What you've said now indicates a huge amount of history which is what I suspected and is why I said it sounded like it was the straw that was breaking the camel's back.

I think it sounds like you and your DH are both going through an incredibly stressful time and both have valid feelings. Maybe just understanding that for each other will help you move on from it?

Anyway, all the very best, I hope you find some peace with it all.

Peaz if you report the thread Mumsnet will delete it for you

I replied earlier on, but what I didn't say at the time (because I didn't want to derail things) is that my own MIL behaved pretty badly after my DM passed. She died a couple of weeks before mothers day and MIL asked us over as we "wouldn't have anything better to do" (that's just one example, there are many more). We went NC about 18 months after that (took too long really) and at no point were we in physical danger from her, she was just an awful human being.

I have remained NC (over a decade) but DH now has contact, so it can work.

I agree with Floral - you are perfectly reasonable to not want to speak to your ILs at this time. You are grieving, you need support and they're not offering any. That doesn't remotely mean that your DH can't see or speak to them, or your DC can't.

I see no reason why you should have to remember to send a card or get your DC to call. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Simple as. His flying into a strop about your not doing it is more a reflection of his expectations about whose job it ought to be. Stand your ground, OP. His "living hell" is nothing compared to what you're going through.

Floral, it may have worked for you that way, but it is clearly not working for OP's husband. He is really suffering from the fact that his grieving wife won't have any contact with his parents. I'm not judging the OP for one second, she is grieving, but I'm thinking about what NC is supposed to achieve, and what it's actually doing in this situation.

In your situation, it enabled harmony in your relationship that couldn't have happened otherwise. I think that's unusual since your husband wasn't NC as well, but obviously it happened in your case, so that's very good. But in the OP, it is having the exact opposite effect. It is putting strain on her husband and family and creating more tension, anxiety and pain. What's the point of absolute NC on every principle if it makes you and someone you love MORE unhappy?

She doesn't have to like the in laws or fall on their necks with endless love. Bollocks to that. But what she and her family need in this terrible time of grieving is as little additional pain as possible, and in this case, the NC is making things worse and putting the husband in a really horrible situation.

The Ops husband is struggling with it because it's early days and he forgot to buy a card , as I said in my original post I still deal with all the same stuff that I did before ie buying cards etc because that's how our family works and I can buy a card for my MIL ,it has no effect on me at all . The OPs husband will adapt if he wants to support his wife ,if he chooses not to then the OP has to decide whether her desire to go NC is more important than her marriage . There is no way I could have carried on going to / seeing my Inlaws as they were slowly driving me insane .

I don't think its the case that OPs NC is causing her more pain and making things worse for her. However it isn't helping her DH, which is causing her a different upset. And sadly its not as simple as going back to having contact with ILs.

OP feels her ILs contact was making things worse for her and she needs a break at the least. Her DH should be facilitating that without question, given how short a time has occurred and the damage his family has already caused. Even if its just as simple as him saying to his parents to give her time and space. But the DH seems to have an issue with doing that, or facilitating that. Maybe in his own grief he wants his family united, which is more than plausible. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way.

So what does OP do? Cause herself more upset and grief by allowing her DHs and ILs wants to trump her need to grieve? Or watch her DH getting upset because he's getting it in the neck from his parents? Does his grief trump hers?

Realistically a middle ground needs to be struck. One where OP feels like she has her peace (and be backed up and protected by DH) but also one where DH feels his family will reunite presumably. Which probably means DH needs to tell his parents to back off for a while, back off both him and OP.

peaz please try to sit down calmly with your DH and explain what you need in order to be able to move forward (in so much as you can know what you need right now), and then ask him what he needs and see if you can work together to both needs.