I am NC with PIL -affecting relationship with DH

[peaz]

I am NC with PIL for what I believe to be a completely valid reason. DH supports it, and although they have said to him that I am invited to dinner etc (They don't want NC and have said that they wish to make amends) I don't want this.

There has been a couple of occasions where he has forgotten to do something and it falls to me to pick up the slack- buy a birthday card for MIL and get DS2 to call MIL on his birthday. I had to get the card (which made me sick) and when DS2 gets home from school I have to call MIL as DH will be working late. I have said I will do this, but can he remember these things in future. He flipped. Told me I don't have to speak to her- just press the buttons and let DS2 speak. That it was unfair on him, he was going through a living hell, he is in an awful position.

I don't want to be accused of dripfeeding but this isn't AIBU so I will explain why I am NC but please do not tell me IABU.

My brother had a heart attack a few months ago. It was late at night and my DH and DM drove to his house (2 hours away). DH called his mum and asked her to come up in the morning to look after DSs so that I could go to be my DB. I then texted her and asked her to give me a call when they were en route (45 mins away) so that I could be ready to go. I didn't hear back but it was late, and to be honest there was no need to respond to that. But perhaps a 'OK, I am sorry to hear about DB. I hope he is OK' or something.

Anyway, sadly my DB didn't make it. It was and still is a huge shock. We were very close and he was a wonderful, incredible guy. My DH called his mum to tell her, and I am unsure of the conversation but she knew. All I know is that she asked us to make sure we came back the following day as she had to pick up here other GKs from school. The next morning I get a reply to my text- "ok". Nothing else.

So they turn up, and say hi but nothing else. We leave pretty soon after (DH had travelled back during the early hours so that I wasn't alone). That night I called to see how the DS's were and she waffled (as she does). Again, didn't ask/say anything relating to my DB or DSIL, DN or DM.

The following day we came home, DM with us. As soon as we walked through the door MIL sprung up and ran to us telling us how DS2 soiled his pants and said I would be angry with him. That was it. We went into the house, sat at the table with them- they were playing a game with DS1- and said nothing. DM made a drink, MIL stayed at the table with DS1 and FIL and they said NOTHING.

They made excuses and went soon after. DM and I were upset, DH was livid. We heard nothing for days and then DH decided to call them. Their reasons were- they didn't want to say anything in front of DS1 (We hadn't told him). So - no text, no call, no cursory touch of a hand, nothing when she ran to the door and DSs were out of earshot, no card?
She didn't think they had to get a card- these people send EASTER cards.
They didn't know what to say- So saying nothing is better?
We didn't say anything so they felt uncomfortable- I don't even know what to say to that.
They didn't call to find out how DS1 was when we told him (DS2 is too young), or to find out how his party went (4 days after. DH asked if they would come up and help out with it and they said they didn't want to be in the way...).

Since this happened they spoke to people about how they will never see they DG again (that was never ever said, much less implied) and they were on the phone straight away to their DD who then told her husband who in turn sent a barrage of abusive texts to DH and then to me. They know we are NC with their daughter and her husband.

About a month ago they spoke to him about how they regret what they did, "but its too late now". And he agrees. So its too late to do anything so I should just ignore it happened and move on? These people are supposed to support me at the very least but also support their son who had lost a great friend. They wish things were different. So DH tells me, and I am struggling hugely with this. They also said they want to get me a Christmas present (strange how there was no birthday present...) but don't want to get it thrown back in their face so could he check with me first. So I will be the bitch if I don't want to accept their olive branch?

So now.

I had to get MIL a birthday card. A bit rich, considering the lack of a condolence card. And now I have to get DS2 to call her so she can wish him a happy birthday.

I don't want to but I said I will. I also asked DH to remember to do these things. And he flipped, saying that this is hard on him too, he is in a living hell, he hates this, it is unfair on him. I have done NOTHING wrong. Nothing. Yet I have agreed to do things for him, for them. They turn on the sob story waterworks and he feels for them. He tells me and I tell him that I am not interested. I get the backlash.

This will break us. I know it will. I am completely heartbroken over the loss of my brother, and I don't have the energy to fight for this. I don't see why I should fight for this.

Can anyone help? I just want my DH to leave all talk of his parents at the door. I want him to remember to do things that involves them without my input. He wants an easy life with them even if it means me feeling unhappy.

I am aware of this mammoth message but I am lost, I really am. I just want NC with them and for DH to understand it.

Why are you no contact with your sil and bil?

I am sorry for your loss.

However I agree with pp- I think cutting off all contact with your in laws is extreme.

Yes they behaved very badly, thoughtlessly, etc. When it comes down to it though it's just a lack of social empathy.

These people are related to your dh and your children. They will be in your life. Cutting contact will make it hard for everyone, especially as the children get older.

From what you've posted they're not abusive, your children aren't at risk, purely bad mannered and ignorant. Accept the apology, be civil, and move on.

According to the OP these people have a history of making stuff about them. They then upset her at a time of great loss with complete thoughtlessness, and when called on it made it all about them. They then made stuff up about the OP which resulted in her getting abuse from someone at a time when she should be grieving. On any other post people would be telling her to go NC.

Mumsnet has gone nuts again.

Having said that, emotions right now are too raw for OP and being forced to deal with her ILs probably won't make things better. What's wrong with her DH telling the ILs to drop it until OP calms down, however long it takes? Or for the ILs to just suck it up and say 'ok, OP is hurting badly, please let her know that when she's ready we will be here with an apology and welcoming arms' and then leaving it? This enforcing will make permanent divisions.

I have been thinking about your post and the feelings I had when I lost my brother. I can remember a few people saying the stupidest things to me that were just crass. It is still so raw for you at the moment but I would entertain the idea of getting in contact when you're ready but I dont think you need to rush into it.

They then made stuff up about the OP which resulted in her getting abuse from someone at a time when she should be grieving.

Wait, what? No they didn't! Peaz has heard AT LEAST second hand that they said they feared they mightn't see their GC again. We have no idea what was actually said, or in what context!! Although admittedly, her DH's BIL & Dsis sound like pieces of work. In all fairness Strictly I think you've extrapolated a bit there.

They are trying to put the blame on OP. All the 'we want to send a Christmas present but it may be rejected' stuff is designed to make them look the bigger person and OP the nasty cow.

If they want to make amends by sending a present then just send it in good faith and see what happens. Don't make a song and dance about doing it and the outcome before even buying it.

I would be interested to know why OP is already no contact with her bil and sil. They sent the supposedly nasty messages.

Since this happened they spoke to people about how they will never see they DG again (that was never ever said, much less implied)

middlings ok, they heard second hand, but that's not fears they might not see them, its straight forward they won't ever see them. Why do that? Your DIL has just lost her brother and they feel its ok to tell people that their grandchildren are being kept from them (or, the other way of taking that statement, they've decided not to ever see their own grandkids again over it)? It hardly shows them as caring remotely what the OP or her DH were going through. Even if its just SIL they said that to, its not reasonable or sane in the slightest.

You have my sympathy OP.

My MiL was extremely cruel to me just after my son died, four years ago. Not maliciously, just incredibly thoughtless. I was SO ANGRY with them for a long time. I literally couldn't think or speak of them without crying and shaking with rage. It didn't help that they added to the thoughtless treatment a couple of times over the coming year.

On the first anniversary of our son's death, DH and I went out for lunch and a long walk together and talked and talked about our son. I realised that my anger at his parents was largely driven by the grief that I felt at his loss. They'd become the focus of the sorrow and sadness that I felt.

Once I realised this, the anger I felt just melted away. Since then, I've just felt completely uninterested in them - I neither know nor care what they do. They're welcome in my house but only to facilitate their relationship with DH and my DCs. I politely ignore them.

Give yourself time OP - you're still grieving and you've had a massive shock. One day you might be able to tolerate their presence again, but your DH shouldn't expect you to.

Right, I am the OP. I have deactivated the original account as I am worried that my DSIL will see this post (my brothers wife) and she will worry about my lack of support at home. She doesn't need that.

BUT I feel that I have to come on and address in particular what Strictly said and middlings response.

They DID make that up. They told DH's uncle that I have said they cannot see the DSs. He questioned this saying that we asked them to come up to DSs birthday party and they backtracked saying that I threatened them with not seeing the DSs. They subsequently told DHs BIL and Sister that I have said they won't see the kids. I take what the said with a pinch of salt but why would they say this?

My PILs are manipulative, especially MIL. Christmas in the past has been awful, on the years when we go to my extended family. We are told that if we don't come on CD that we shouldn't bother coming until Springtime.
When we had just DS1 PIL had been made redundant and was quite depressed about it. DH decided to go down for the day with DS1 to cheer him up. MIL put her foot down and told PIL that he wasn't to see them unless she was there. DH has a job where he works late with no notice, or has to work weekends at the drop of a hat. He has missed their birthday celebrations on occasion - the result is an earful from his parents. How could you miss this, why didn't you call, where is the card, where is the present?

I didn't realise you needed to be in physical danger to go NC. I have chosen to go NC due to the lack of support from them. For those saying I have over reacted- I had no support. They have turned this all around and made it about them.

I cannot stand another conversation with them about poor Edna's postmans cousins uncle having root canal treatment.

Some have asked about why we are NC with DHs sister. She is a vicious, poisoned tongued excuse of a human. Again, no physical danger to us but each and every time we visit she will slag off her dad -("haha, made redundant. Stupid man, can't even keep a job in a factory"), her uncle- ("I can't believe he forgot to pay for our sons swimming lessons this term"), her husbands sister -("I KNEW she was after him for his money. It can't be his personality"), her parents again ("They paid for my wedding dress, so why aren't they paying for the alterations??"), and her step dad ("I only asked him for a lift so that we don't have to pay for petrol. So why the hell should I pay for parking??!!"). She then called DH up with a barrage of abuse when he couldn't attend a birthday meal (annoying of course, but that is his job and there is no need for the words that came out of her mouth). It was one step too many. She really is a horrid person.

I have just read the last couple of replies- Magoria is right. If they are genuinely sorry, act like it. Don't try to cover your arses.

Social contact sounds like a possibility. Not for a while though, not around my mum, and certainly not for a prolonged amount of time. I will definitely be picking my battles. I do see that my actions could affect my relationship with my DH (otherwise I wouldn't have posted in the first place), and want to avoid any issues, but that does not mean resuming a relationship with them.

And to the PP who said I seemed to 'enjoy the drama'- Wow. Read into this what you will. There is nothing enjoyable that I am getting from this, at all.

peaz,

My sincere condolences re your brother .

Re your comment:-
"There has been a couple of occasions where he has forgotten to do something and it falls to me to pick up the slack- buy a birthday card for MIL and get DS2 to call MIL on his birthday"

Its his mother so why has he forgotten to buy her a card?. Are you his social secretary; why would this be down to you anyway?. Its his family of origin therefore his responsibility. I would not make your son call them either.

Unfortunately many men can be infact spineless when it comes to their parents and will do anything and say anything not to become further involved. In your case his own inertia re his parents is simply hurting him as well as his own family unit.

I am wondering what the wider dynamics are re your DHs family.
His parents are not without fault here and if they are overbearing such people do tend only to think of themselves. They cannot empathise readily or be at all tactful. I am not altogether surprised they have acted in the manners they have done. They have also not apologised nor have taken any real responsibility for their actions. This present is not being sent to you out of any real concern for you or your wellbeing.

It looks like his parents too also used his sister and her H as "flying monkeys". Such people tend to only want to hear just one side of the story (and this is her mother too so wishes to remain in favour).
BTW if his sister's H has sent a barrage of abusive texts to your DH I would block his number and then seriously consider reporting this to the police. I would have no compunction in doing this.

Treats, I am so sorry about your son, and that there was zero support from your MIL. I just don't understand why people are like that.

Strictly- thank you. That is it exactly. I never said that, so why tell people- ie, make it all about them- that I did? At that point in time, was that the big picture? Was it my DB dying or was it something that was never ever said at all?

I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. At the same time, it IS hard for a man when his wife won't speak to his parents, especially while he is trying to support her through the loss you have suffered.

Assuming you love your husband more than you hate your in laws, I think you may have to start giving a little. I don't get the impression your NC is to protect yourself from further drama, but more as a punishment...and your husband is inevitably in the crossfire.

Sheba, in a way it is. My MIL has always portrayed herself as a mother hen. Always caring, trying to look after people. So I don't want to listen to her when she talks about woes and all her drama. I can't. The night after my brothers funeral she told my DH she had the week from hell. Their washing machine was broken and they had to wait for it to be fixed, and their holiday quote had gone up and she had a chest infection. I cannot deal with that.

I do recognise that my DH is suffering. Grieving for his DBIL and hurting from the way his parents treated me and my mum, and also hurting in his own way from what I have done. I know that. But I cannot see any way forward in the short term from this. I have told him that at some point there will be a time when I will see them, but this is a long way off. And that apology needs to come first hand, and it needs to be heartfelt and unequivocal.

"My MIL has always portrayed herself as a mother hen. Always caring, trying to look after people"

Is it also a case of what she says within her family goes?.

Has she tried to interfere in your lives before, for example giving you unsolicited advice over what workman to hire etc?.

Atilla, thank you.

Yes, they definitely spoke to his sister about us in that way because she would be the most receptive to me not being painted in the best light.

Both her and her husbands numbers have been blocked. DH won't speak to the police because of his parents. The texts were so vile, and not even a week had passed since my brother had died.

I am just so tired of this.

Attila- do you know her?! She arranged for a family friend to come and re-tile our bathroom! He lives 40 minutes away (we are in London so no shortage of tilers here!) and she called us the night before to say he was coming. He didn't appreciate an early morning call from us cancelling the job!

peaz I think most people - thankfully - will never get what its like to have someone pull crap like that at a time when your focus is rightly elsewhere. On the surface it seems petty, but when you're in a highly charged emotional situation and some arsehole needlessly comes along and tries to make it about them, then its not a petty triviality any more. I also never get why people in real life don't question these things - your DIL has banned you from seeing the kids has she, well are you sure its not just because she's a little overwrought right now and maybe she just needs some space? I hope you get a chance to properly grieve without this crap soon

"Attila- do you know her?! She arranged for a family friend to come and re-tile our bathroom! He lives 40 minutes away (we are in London so no shortage of tilers here!) and she called us the night before to say he was coming. He didn't appreciate an early morning call from us cancelling the job!".

Thankfully not in terms of knowing her but I do recognise the type. Its not you, its her. Her behaviour is both controlling and overbearing; she is basically implying in the above that the two of you are somehow incapable of arranging such work yourselves and without her involvement. She does not want to acknowledge the fact that her son in particular is now a grown man, she does not like that at all and still wishes very much to be needed. She still wants to be in charge.

My guess too is that she has always been like this and her DD is now a carbon copy. She is likely to be the more favoured sibling.

(BTW my own MIL acted not too dissimilarly herself to your DH's mother when her H died. She was very matter of fact and made it all about her, other people's reactions did not compute).

Op I am sorry for your loss, if must have been such a big shock.

I think your DH is unreasonable. It's his mother so he should sort the cards and the phone calls. Why is that your job?

I understand the issues with MIL as my mother is like that. Everything is always about her. She sees the world as honestly revolving around her and so can't cope when the focus shifts.

On the day by DH came home from hospital after a hear operation ( he was 29) and days after we'd moved house with no help from them, she announced she was so tired after her holiday that she couldn't get up off the sofa to let him sit down!

She expected him to stand in her front room because she was tired and needed the lie down.

I would suggest you tell DH that cards are his responsibility even if you are speaking to his parents at some point in the future. Then just give it time. Grieving can't be rushed.

Heart operation

Thank you both.

I have been reading the replies and feeling awful that people think I am being OTT. I really am not (hence why this isn't AIBU!) but protesting will make me seem really hysterical.

She is very manipulative, and I see her DD the same way. Not exactly the same way because the DD is harsh and outright nasty. MIL makes you think she is lovely but it is all on her terms.

I really do appreciate the advice here. I get that there are some who feel I am wrong, and that's fine, its your opinion, but its not what I was asking. For those who have spoken about my husband- yes, it is his job to get the card etc. He doesn't see it like that. I have to work out how to sort that out. But yes, I hate him being hurt and to be fair to him he has been a rock lately so I do need to do some thinking about how I can make things OK with him. There are one or two posters who have been quite harsh and out of order but that's fine. Thank you to all of the support that has been offered, for those who have said they completely see where I am coming from, and those who can see that it has been a rubbish time.

I would really appreciate it if this could now be dropped, as I don't want my lovely SIL (DBs wife) seeing this.

Peaz your sister in law can still see this thread and read it and see that you have name changed.

Anne- that is outrageous! I'm speechless! I hope you DH has recovered well.xx

I think there are a lot of people like OP's mil. Dh's parents didn't say a word when my father and later my mother died. The first time I saw the pil after my father died, mil went on and on and on about a doctor's appointment she had, for something very minor. I was distraught (inwardly) sitting there listening to this crap. Not one of dh's brothers or wives gave any condolences.

But - you have to choose. Your marriage or suck up stuff from the in-laws. Dh was sympathetic to me, but I could see the fix he'd be in if he called the pil on their behaviour. It would create a massive row on the scale of the OP's. I just saw the pil as little as possible, although mil made my blood pressure soar every time she opened her mouth.