what do I do about his strops?

[strawberryandaflake]

I'm going slightly crazy. I'm expecting twins any day now and my OH is driving me nuts. Whatever I do is wrong, he's always hinting that I am having flings... With a delivery man, with my parents next door neighbour, with a happily married friend. He just keeps saying 'as long as you're being honest with me'.

If I stay home all day, which I do most days given I can barely walk, he wants to know who's been round and doesn't believe me when I say no none.

Last night he had a go at me because I went quiet for 5 minutes while I was eating my dinner and didn't hear something he said properly, then had a go at me for lying and pretending to hear what he said about vegetables. If I had said I didn't hear he would have accused me of being bored in his company.

Without having a massive fight, which I don't want because of the babies, what do I do? I've tried talking to him and he calms down and promises not to donut again but he always does and it's always over something ridiculous.

What do you think he will say when you try to put him straight tonight?

How do you intend to start the conversation?

He is emotionally abusive. Please contact Women's Aid. Please also keep up relationships with family and friends, don't stop seeing them because he disapproves or complains or sulks when you see them. You need those people because they'll help you hang on to your sanity, your sense of what is normal and reasonable, and your self-esteem. He will fuck with all of those things if you let him.

What's your housing situation - is it owned or rented? Are both your names on the mortgage/deeds/tenancy agreement?

Oh and I forgot to say, you could read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

We are definitely having a fight when he gets in.

I'll hold your towel for you.

My midwife told me that abusive behaviour and domestic violence increase during pregnancy.

let this thread be a warning to you

that is your future, should you choose to accept it

When I went for a 6 week scan because I was bleeding profusely, I was questioned extensively about whether now DH was abusive/violent towards me. Pregnancy cannot be underestimated as a starting point for such behaviours.

Ok, ok, I think this is being blown out of proportion now. I accept that he's being controlling but he's not physically abusive and not likely to be.

We had a chat last night and I told him off and he apologised for being a massive arse (his words). Also reminded him that I have never lied to him and wtf was it all about. (Also told him that I wouldn't put up with his crap if I found out he had ever lied to me and that I have free access to scalpels at work as a joke).

I'm not a weak person and it's not like I am sitting back and taking it unawares as I have been through something similar before and refuse to let it happen again.

Thanks for all the advice, it is appreciated, but it's not a situation that requires the police or reporting him. He just needs a stern talking to at this point and I can handle myself in that respect. Xxx

Don't underestimate the impact of emotional abuse. Just because he doesn't physically abuse you doesn't mean he can't cause serious damage.

I get it, you're not ready to accept that he is abusive, but I'm hoping that you will be ready sooner rather than later.

Please read the link a PP shared at the beginning of the thread, and the Lundy Bancroft book I recommended. Forewarned is forearmed.

Did you read the thread I linked to, op ?

Did that poster seem like a "weak" person to you ?

Some abusers get a kick out of breaking strong women down. You have been warned.

"I have been through something similar before and refuse to let it happen again."

Have you done the Freedom Programme or had any counselling to discuss your previous relationship?

All abusers are different. Just because this guy seems different from the last one doesn't mean he's not an abuser.

I think this is being blown out of proportion now
Backtracking already!
Blimey, he is good!

Be careful, OP. I had a very similar situation with my ex, where he constantly accused me of lying and cheating on him. I tried to tackle it reasonably but no matter what I said, he'd twist it around and somehow I'd always end up being the one in the wrong.

It got so that he'd accuse me of lying by omission if I forgot to tell him something really trivial. There was literally nothing I could say - if I ever protested, he'd dig up some time in the distant past where I'd said I'd be home at 5.30 and actually got home at 5.45, or forgot to mention that the supermarket cashier was male or some other random thing. He would try and trick me into lying just so that he could accuse me of being a liar!

It was totally nuts and I ended up severely depressed and terrified of upsetting him for fear of provoking a row. He was exactly the sort of guy who claimed to like strong and confident women but actually just wanted the challenge of beating them down into doormats.

If you think that it's fine that your partner doesn't trust you (he's only promised not to bring it up, however long that lasts - he's not promised to stop thinking that you're being unfaithful) then good luck. Personally, I don't think that such a deep mistrust and paranoia is a sign of a healthy relationship.

You are about to have babies with this man,(married?) I would be VERY careful about having to be always on the defensive, & allowing him to accuse you, it's the tip of the iceberg, & only gets worse. needing to text if not he sulks/accuses/strops
You need to sort this now. Tell him if he is insecure & going to attack you constantly about imaginary affairs/friends/activities, there is NO future for him, & the door is open.
You are NOT going to live under his manipulative cloud.
Give him both barrels, do not get emotional, do not apologise.
This is Emotional Abuse Do NOT underestimate it.
You can stop it now, he will back off. Count the days until it starts again When it starts again, He must leave.

My exh was just like this! It did get worse when I was pregnant with DD. He was violent too but it was the emotional abuse, the constant accusations and jealousy that made me most ill.
I eventually divorced him when DD was almost 2. I knew of 1 affair he'd had but found out since he'd slept with most of the women we knew all the while accusing me of affairs! Typical deflecting, he was doing all the things he accused me of. It's 25 years ago now and I've forgiven myself for putting up with it for so long!

Could he be cheating himself? And he's accusing you all the time out of guilt?

IMO you are being emotionally abused plus possibly he's being unfaithful (the 2 aren't mutually exclusive).

Please don't imply/hint that victims of dv are 'weak'.

As for he'd come off worse if he physically attacked you - there are 2 threads running at the moment where the women were physically attacked for the first time WHILE THEY SLEPT! Are you that much of a ninja you can defend yourself while you sleep?

Him being ok for a few days is typical of the cycle of abuse.

Be nice to reel you in and to make you think that last incident 'wasn't that bad' keeping you sweet basically.

Also emotional abuse comes before physical so that you're less likely to fight back/complain because by then you think you deserve it.

Has he ever raised a hand to you?

In this day and age actual physical violence is not the only way to measure abuse. There are many ways to be abusive without hitting someone.

However I now see the op is also of the same view. How sad.

OP, women who suffer abuse and domestic violence are not weak, though they may well get broken down over time. If anything, they often get hit more often because they just won't cower and kowtow - or 'sit back and take it - when the abuser wants them to.

I don't mean to be rude, but if you think abusive behaviour happens only to weak women who 'take it', then I suspect you wouldn't recognise abusive behaviour if it happened to you. And as PPs have said, abuse doesn't have to be physical. Constantly accusing your heavily pregnant partner of infidelity and lying, demanding to know every minutes of your day, is pretty worrying stuff.

Can we be careful not to shout OP down and isolate her further, please. I don't think most people would have the emotional strength to end a relationship when about to give birth, especially to twins. I do stand by my earlier comment about single parenting being easier but the leap is not always easy either. And though I haven't had twins, I imagine that even a critical pair of hands is still a pair of hands. Leaving, if you want to leave, can happen later. For now it's good that you're thinking, aware, noticing, seeing the patterns.

Emotional abuse does often turn physical left long enough, though not in all cases, but firstly you can't predict it - it's very very rare to hear a woman who has been assaulted say that she knew he was going to do it, normally they swear blind that he's not like that and he wouldn't. Even after the first time, actually. And secondly as others have said, it's still damaging even if "just" emotional.

I totally understand you not wanting to end it unless totally necessary. I hope you'll keep reading and watching and strengthening so that if it comes to that you are ready. And good luck with the birth.

Bertie I don't see anyone trying to shout the OP down or isolate her. I don't think people are particularly putting pressure on the OP to LTB immediately. I think everyone is being supportive and encouraging her to acknowledge that he is abusive, not to downplay it or bury her head in the sand, and be aware of the risk of the abuse causing long term damage to the relationship and to her, and of the abuse escalating.
FWIW I do think it is "totally necessary" to end the relationship at some point, when the OP is ready to do so, but I don't think I have told her to leave him immediately.

You're right. Was worried it was heading that way. Having reread perhaps I am being too cautious.

YOu had the best interests of op at heart, bertie