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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do I do about his strops?

75 replies

strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 19:34

I'm going slightly crazy. I'm expecting twins any day now and my OH is driving me nuts. Whatever I do is wrong, he's always hinting that I am having flings... With a delivery man, with my parents next door neighbour, with a happily married friend. He just keeps saying 'as long as you're being honest with me'.

If I stay home all day, which I do most days given I can barely walk, he wants to know who's been round and doesn't believe me when I say no none.

Last night he had a go at me because I went quiet for 5 minutes while I was eating my dinner and didn't hear something he said properly, then had a go at me for lying and pretending to hear what he said about vegetables. If I had said I didn't hear he would have accused me of being bored in his company.

Without having a massive fight, which I don't want because of the babies, what do I do? I've tried talking to him and he calms down and promises not to donut again but he always does and it's always over something ridiculous.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:58

Well, when he finally gets back home, or rather when he gets back to your place I'd say "Vegetable-gate last night was the last straw. I have had enough. Your constant ridiculous behaviour means I am about to explode. You are causing me unecessary stress that is bad for me and the babies. You have to move out for a while. Leave now. We can talk in a couple of days."

When he objects: "You have promised repeatedly to stop. You haven't. Leave now. We can talk in a couple of days."

"Do I have to call the police? Leave. Now."

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:59

That's not over protective. That's accusing you of fucking other men. It's different.

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:00

Heh. Yes, we need to have a deep and meaningful but not right now. I could do with a break from feeling watched.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 01/12/2015 20:01

It doesn't sound like it, no. He's accusing you of having an affair, controlling where you go and what you do - that's not being over-protective

Costacoffeeplease · 01/12/2015 20:02

I think it needs to happen pdq - then you can relax in peace and quiet, without worrying about what he's going to say or do

goodnightdarthvader1 · 01/12/2015 20:03

No, that's not bloody over protective, that's accusing you openly of ongoing deceit. I'd worry he's losing it - why the fuck would you call him with your nonexistent boyfriend wittering in the background??

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:03

It's just so bloody annoying because we'll have a great few days then he'll get all arsey for no bloody reason and the 'honest' thing drives me nuts as I have never lied to him about anything.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 01/12/2015 20:05

No exaggeration, he sounds mentally unbalanced to me. Deranged with some sort of insecurity and controlling impulse.

I would log his accusations and interrogations from now on, and ask him to leave. What a horrible predicament and awful environment to bring two helpless infants into.

You say he wouldn't raise a hand to you but if he is suspicious of the babies' parentage and/or angry with you, what might he do to them?

Agree with RunRabbit, call the police if he won't move out under his own power.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 01/12/2015 20:05

I'd wonder if he's the one having an affair, over compensating with guilt.

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:05

Ha, he asked what I had been doing all day a few weeks ago, when my pelvis was about to ping apart so been in bed. I told him I had been out raving, took a couple of pills and drunk my own body weight in vodka. What did he think? That's shut him up.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:07

I have wondered about his fidelity too. I had an ex that used to accuse me of all the things it turned out he was doing to try to deflect my suspicions. That was a bullet well dodged.
He has a female boss that seems to like him.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 20:11

Up in your original post you said If I had said I didn't hear he would have accused me of being bored in his company.

That you felt you needed to lie about something so trivial is very worrying.

Behaving abnormally because you are afraid of him is not good. Can you start being normal. The vodka comment is a normal response. Maybe you should do more of that. See where it goes. Does he catch himself on or become a screaming banshee.

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:13

Oh for fexache. He just sent a message saying sorry if he checked why I had called without me checking my phone history first. Argh! So it's MY fault is it? We are definitely having a fight when he gets in.

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:16

I didn't lie, I was eating and feeling the babies and half heard what he asked me and answered wrongly. A normal guy would have just said 'no what I mean is...' And conversation carries on from there.

He never shouts but he'll stop talking and walk away from me and go and sit in another room and pretend I am not there.

OP posts:
Borninthe60s · 01/12/2015 20:19

He's either paranoid or cheating!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 01/12/2015 20:22

He sounds bonkers.

tribpot · 01/12/2015 20:23

Mm what a shocker, more abusive behaviour. I honestly don't think rowing is going to solve much here. Because he is less interested in resolving this and less prone to be honest, he will always win in a heated argument - his goals are best achieved by winding you up so you wrongfoot yourself and he can claim victory. I suspect that if he senses you're winning, that's when he stops and walks away and ignores you. All he wants is to win.

I think you'd be better off saying you're tired and you would like to discuss things tomorrow morning. But I'm quite sure he wants a row when he gets in, and if you won't join in that will just prove he was right.

wallshaveeyes · 01/12/2015 20:29

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BertieBotts · 01/12/2015 20:31

He's an abusive twat. Sorry to be blunt, but I think you know that really.

In this thread alone you've described stonewalling, gaslighting, possessive extreme jealousy and verbal abuse.

He'll get worse. I've been a single parent and I'm telling you, you would rather be a single parent than put up with this shit while also basically being a single parent because he's too busy and important to actually help and support you.

And no, he's not like it all the time because if he was you'd leave. But the time he needs to be like this is NONE of the time. Occasionally isn't good enough. Regularly is shitty.

GoldfishCrackers · 01/12/2015 20:34

Wtf Wallshaveeyes?
OP this is disturbing behaviour. He's already got you changing your behaviour. It's not normal.

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:42

Oh yes, it's all my fault. That's what you want me to say is it, Walls?? Get lost. I'm not doing anything, just going about my daily business.

Yeah, I hear you all. I have some thinking to do.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 20:44

He sounds worse and worse!

Does he have any redeeming features?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 20:45

Not that anything would negate this appalling stuff.

Original poster
strawberryandaflake · 01/12/2015 20:49

He's good at chess? Hahaa!

I'm all in a tizz about this. Starting to realise what situation I am putting myself in.

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 01/12/2015 21:08

Better now than in 6 months time. Or 6 years.

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