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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you break up with someone you love?

49 replies

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 16:39

I love this person with all my heart but it's a long distance relationship with children involved and several other things that make it more tangly than mumsnetters would ever believe.

I've tried to do it a few times but this person is my best friend and I'm holding onto stupid pipe dreams and unrealistic goals just to be able to hope.

But I'm here putting my tree up and crying because I know we will never do this together, as a couple and it hurts so much.

But I don't want to let go of the little that I have right now because it's my everything. I'm in so much emotional pain. But I think a quick chop would be less.painful than this ongoing pretend world we have right now.

I just don't know how to cut off the only thing in my life that makes me happy :(

OP posts:

Gazelda · 01/12/2015 16:42

Oh goodness, how awful. I feel so sad for you. Are you sure there is no long term hope?
Does the other person feel lacking in hope too?
If there really isn't any other option, then I guess an honest letter and a parcel of all their things, and a request that they don't contact you again.

Original poster

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 16:47

No the other person has hope but it's in a situation I can't deal with. I'm sorry for being cryptic but it's an unusual situation.

They have plans that many years down the line when the children finish school we can be together but it's a very long wait (the kids are young) and even then I would have to make a huge compromise that goes against what I want with them. It's so hard.

I love them so much.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 16:55

"I just don't know how to cut off the only thing in my life that makes me happy" Then don't.

How long distance are we talking here? Miles? cities? countries? continents?

How often do you see each other? What are the constraints that keep you apart? How did you even get together in the first place - surely if you knew it was impossible you would have thought of that at the outset?

Ultimately there are a lot worse fates that could befall a relationship than the inability to live together for the moment? Couples who work abroad for instance, in the forces, where there are children but where one partner is often away? There's more to a relationship than being able to live together.

If you love each other, really love each other, then the relationship you have is the one which you build on, and cherrish, you don't end that just because it's not the relationship you want it to be.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2015 16:59

Are they married?

redteddy · 01/12/2015 17:00

If you truly believe that the wait/the sacrifices you'd have to make to be together with this person are not worth it then you should end it.

You could let this drag out unhappily until it drives you utterly mad and you explode OR you could sit down with this person, calmly explain your point of view and finish the relationship maturely and thoughtfully.

You never know, maybe in all those years time you will meet again, with less problems between you, and find that a relationship is possible. But in the meantime, you owe yourself happiness and love that is not tied to a slim/unlikely possibility.

wonderingsoul · 01/12/2015 17:09

I am also questioning if the other is married. What could possibly stop you moving forward. Yes there's children but blended family's are very common.

Why can't you move closer to them? If you want to be together you make it work.

Original poster

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 17:17

Yes they are married but their partner has consented to our relationship. That is the problem. I don't want to be in that sort of relationship. I considered it for a while. Even agreed to it but I can't imagine it in reality.

I'm not a traditional person. I'm about as out there as you can get so I did a lot of research and decided I could make it work but it won't.

I get to see them maybe 4 times a year, for 3 to 4 weeks and being somewhere neutral on a holiday together is world's apart from being faced with the reality of the situation.

At first I thought (to my shame) we would end up together, alone, but they said they can't see a future without their spouse in it but they don't want to lose me. I know they love me. I'm not a fool. If I didn't believe that I would have already walked.

I'm just broken. I keep clinging onto these ridiculous scenarios. I know it does work for some people so it's not completely crazy but I just can't envision it.

I was reluctant to reveal this because I know mumsnet can get a lot of trolls but I assure you this is my life right now and it's very hard. I left my husband for the chance to be with this person. I feel like I've thrown my life away.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 17:17

if married then it's a no-brainer, and his hopefulness is most likely just keeping the op on-side. But there are other reasons why they potentially couldn't be together...?

"Why can't you move closer to them? If you want to be together you make it work." it's not always that simple. My dp lives three hours away from me. When we got together we talked about the possibility of being able to live together permanently, and the understanding always had to be that on my part, I live here in order to maintain the relationship between my ds and his dad, so if we were going to be together he would need to be the one to move. However, he works in a very niche job, and as such finding work here is virtually impossible. Added to that I am also looking for work, and am finding it impossible to find any. As I am VI my options are limited as it is, and recently a friend had a job offer withdrawn because the system the company uses is unable to be made accessible, so it's a complete nightmare.

As such the likelihood is that I will move to be with dp when ds leaves school in six years time. That's not a reason to end the relationship though.

lavenderhoney · 01/12/2015 17:21

If what they are offering you doesn't meet your expectations then the best thing to do is say exactly that and don't have any contact with them for your own sake.

If they respect you and want the best for you, such as a chance at finding happiness with someone else ( and you might) they will let you go and not offer promises they can't begin to have to keep many years down the line. Is he married and stringing you a line? Are you married?

The same applies to you. I think you have reached the awful conclusion it's not good enough for you ( I hope so!) and you like yourself enough to do something positive about it.

Then get the calendar out and get busy, for yourself and your DC. Feel single. Because you are single really. You don't want to turn into miss haversham do you?! Waiting for your prince and he doesn't turn up.

DoraDymant · 01/12/2015 17:21

Op, it sounds like you are a woman in love with a woman who is married to a man. Possibly she is also religious? Or would want you both to remain secretive for some reason? Is that right? If so you need to walk away even though it feels impossible. There's nothing for it but to do it. And if you've had a fling you need to go NC - in fact you'll probably need to do that anyway to cope. I feel for you.

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 17:23

xposts. oh bloody hell op.

OK, this isn't love, it's a fantasy. You see each other three or four times a year but not in a home environment. so you actually have no idea what it's like to live with him, and aside from that you are always going to be second best to his wife who he doesn't want to leave for you. Even if the wife knows of your existence, if this man had any respect for you he wouldn't be stringing you along like this.

So, on the basis that he doesn't love you (no, he really doesn't, he may love the idea of you but he doesn't love you), you write to him and tell him that this arrangement doesn't work for you, that you thought it could but it doesn't, and as such you are going to walk away from it now. You wish him every happiness etc etc. Then be on your own for a bit and evaluate where your life is going. I'm guessing that if you left your husband for him yours was not a happy marriage in the first place, so perhaps you need some counselling to get your life back on track.

DoraDymant · 01/12/2015 17:23

Sorry that took so long to post from the train that the conversation had moved on!

Original poster

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 17:25

Yes its a woman but not religious at all. We just fell in love. They have never done anything like this before neither have I.

We both have only been with our husbands and at the start we had an agreement that we could meet from both husbands. My subsequently decided he was not happy with this on going arrangement so I chose my new partner thinking we were so in love that we would end up together, I thought they would leave their husband. But instead they proposed a polyamorous relationship, (with no physical contact between me and their husband).

I just can't see that being mu future but I don't want to give up seeing my partner. Those weeks together are what keep me going daily.

OP posts:

theshitestuff · 01/12/2015 17:26

I was with everyone else up to your last post.

You just have to stop. Or put up with it. It's not big or clever but I find dating and meeting other people does help a broken heart mend!

Very hard though when th person still wants you

juneau · 01/12/2015 17:26

How do you break it off? You just do. You tell him that you're not going to waste any more of your time with a man who is cheating on his wife (with or without her consent). Do you really want to waste x number of years of your life waiting for this man on the off-chance that he might deign to leave? And then you say some other compromise is involved - moving to his country perhaps so he can stay involved with his kids? Come on OP. You're worth more than this. Have a little dignity for heaven's sake and tell this philandering man who is having his cake and eating it, to shove off. And then concentrate on meeting someone else who is actually available. Preferably in your own country.

juneau · 01/12/2015 17:26

Okay her, not him. Gender is irrelevant. My advice is the same.

DoraDymant · 01/12/2015 17:27

I still think the one you love is a woman and her spouse a man - he may have consented because it doesn't feel like real infidelity to him, or because he's open minded. She may be into polyamory or not. But if you don't want to share her with her spouse then you just have to leave. And 4x per year with a married woman would not be most people's idea of a good or satisfying relationship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 17:27

You are right, just give it the chop, quick, brutal, over. It will hurt, you know that, so get it over with.

How about this:

"Our relationship can't give me what I need in life so I must end it. I need a clean break because keeping in contact will be too painful for me. I hope you find happiness elsewhere."

Original poster

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 17:29

They do love me wannabe. I know it's east to read something and think that bit all they want is for us all to be together and some days it doesn't seem that crazy.

I mean I am already in a polyamorous relationship aren't I? The difference would be that I get to be with the person I love everyday.

But I can't do it. I can't.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 17:30

Whose idea was it to keep seeing each other with husbands' consent? I would bet money that you're not the first and that she's had other polyamorous relationships. I can't imagine many previously monogamous men going along with this arrangement even if it was another woman as opposed to a man, unless they were poly themselves.

diddl · 01/12/2015 17:31

How do they love you?

They don't want to change anything or compromise but to have it all their own way!

DoraDymant · 01/12/2015 17:32

She loves you OP? Yes, maybe. But not more than she loves her DH and DC. That is the brutal truth.
RunRabbit's suggestion works fine.

wannaBe · 01/12/2015 17:32

no, your gf is in a polyamorous relationship, you are just one of the people in that relationship, and as you have no contact with the husband your part is, and clearly wants to be monogamous.

OK so what if you suggested moving to be with them and all living together then? would they be up for that?

Original poster

WhatBecomes · 01/12/2015 17:39

The plan is for them to move here and me move in with them eventually.

I know they have never done this before, I've known them for years. They are very open with friends and family. Everyone knows about me.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2015 17:41

At some point, you have to look at the actual situation, rather than whimsical dreams.

Even if we absolutely accept that she loves you, she loves her husband and children more. To the extent that she will not share her husband with you. She has an arrangement that suits her perfectly, she sees you a few times a year, the rest of the time she is happy with her family.

This does not work for you. She has told you that she does not see a future without her husband in it. You need to accept this - not argue it, or hope that she changes her mind, or ignore it - actually accept it. There is no future for the two of you in a monogamous relationship.

You don't want a polyamorous relationship. I don't think it would work anyway, I think you'd end up jealous and hurt that he comes first. So this doesn't work for you, there's no way forward.

At some point, you rip the bandaid off. Until then, you just carry on going, having some good days and some terrible ones, until the terrible ones outweigh the good ones or she leaves or something else happens, and suddenly it's off. And then you deal with the pain, because it will hurt, but you start to heal. Rather than being in some kind of strange limbo where you know you're believing a lie but you don't want to let it go, you start to recover and make a new future.

The problem occurs when you either refuse to let go and make yourself so miserable that you can't see a way out, and then have to go through the pain anyway but starting from an even lower ebb, or you wait too long and waste the future as well as the past.

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