How do you break up with someone you love?

[WhatBecomes]

I love this person with all my heart but it's a long distance relationship with children involved and several other things that make it more tangly than mumsnetters would ever believe.

I've tried to do it a few times but this person is my best friend and I'm holding onto stupid pipe dreams and unrealistic goals just to be able to hope.

But I'm here putting my tree up and crying because I know we will never do this together, as a couple and it hurts so much.

But I don't want to let go of the little that I have right now because it's my everything. I'm in so much emotional pain. But I think a quick chop would be less.painful than this ongoing pretend world we have right now.

I just don't know how to cut off the only thing in my life that makes me happy :(

[tuilamum]

I was in a relationship with someone overseas once (US) we met online and had it all figured out, I was going to move over there, we would get married so I could get a visa, and find a little flat together, etc, etc.
I realised we were both living a fantasy. I cut contact and it hurt like hell. He kept messaging me and I felt awful. But it was best for both of us, because he couldn't see that it just wasn't realistic and we loved the idea of one another more than we actually loved each other.
I'm going to go against the grain here and believe you when you say she loves you. Maybe she's caught up in this fantasy too. People make promises with every intention of keeping them, but then life gets in the way. She'll realise in however many years time that she can't just up and leave her DC just because they're not in school anymore.
Sometimes caring for someone means making the tough choice, for both your sakes, and giving both of you the chance for real happiness, not this pretend life you've both imagined for yourselves.

[Isetan]

She cannot give you what you want and her promises to you, aren't about or for you.

You're investing in a fantasy and deep down you know it. The 'happy ever after' you're clinging to, is just an escape from the reality of your poor behaviour. Love doesn't conquer all and despite what soaps and movies tell us, is not a justification for poor behaviour.

[Suddenlyseymour]

I feel the genders are irrelevant here.....you sound wrapped up in the delusion that infatuation brings - we've all been there. And part of that is that you can convince yourself that the most far fetched is possible, simply because that's what promises have been made to you, and that feeling that no matter what anyone else says, you "know", no one else can possibly understand, this is different so easier to ignore harsh advice, they just don't understand.....but, this is just not going to happen, it really isn't. As a pp said, when your kids leave school, you don't then go "right, job done, now it's time for meeeeeee" and move continents. Parenting carries on and on - most kids remain at home into their twenties these days simply due to economics. I have to say this women sounds enormously selfish - she has her husband who is very unusually "ok" with it, you've lost yours. She's promising you a future which is years and years away and based on pure fantasy, meanwhile your life is passing you by as you gaze hopelessly across this "ocean". OP, you sound like you are addicted, and the only (and painful) way to make the scales fall from your eyes is cold turkey.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Wow - do you really think she will just up and leave and come over to you when the DC are 'grown up'
Not a chance. My DD is nearly 18 and I would never just up sticks and leave her and move countries.
I have no doubt she'll be with me until mid 20's and I'll always be here for her.
Then she'll probably have DC of her own and I will be a grandparent and I will want to be there even more to support her through that.
This will not go the way you expect it to.
It just won't happen.
Get out now.
It will be so so painful but far less painful than waiting 10+ years, living a half life and then realising that it still won't happen the way you want it to.
You really need to see sense here.

[Mermaidhair1]

You don't sound very happy.
Love isn't meant to be like this.

[Isetan]

You're being ridiculous, this is a fantasy and it ain't got a happy ever after. The only person who had any sense in this situation is your now Ex, who had enough respect and sense to leave.

This woman has made a whole lot of promises which she won't be expected to make good on for a long time and will therefore string you along while it's convenient, get out now before the inevitable happens and she changes her mind. This woman is having her cake and eating it and will continue to do so while both you and her H enable her to. I suspect her H is only 'sharing' her for the same reasons you appear to and that's because you both know if you didn't, the relationship would be over (it's her way, or the high way). That's not love, that's desperation and the price you'll pay is losing your self respect.

Rip the plaster off and extricate yourself from a situation you don't want and that won't mame you happy.

[oldaninpurple]

I'm curious... poly relationships don't always have to be closed triads. Is she requiring monogamy from you? If she is I think that's more than a little unfair, but if she isn't... What is stopping you from finding your own partner, who is clearly also non monogamous from the start. You were prepared to try with both your husbands agreement, it seems just because your husband decided it wasn't for him, there is no reason why you can't be involved with another person (of either gender) and still maintain your relationship with your girlfriend. Not all metamours have sexual relationships or even friendships... If you want something more in your life, why is it you can't go and find it?

[lavenderhoney]

Op, what have you tried to do a few times? End it? Lots of people on here will help you manage if you let them - you can post as and when, and get support as many others have up til now and I hope continue to do so.

Have you actually spoken to her dh and discussed all this? Really? Thought about transfer of assets and living together, caring for all of you when older? It's all bullshit. In the nicest way, who would put up with that? Blending the DC- nah- it's all wobble. How did you meet this person?

Does anyone in rl know? And know what they are suggesting? It is quite outlandish really, if you take a step back- a woman you enjoy a sexual relationship with a few times a year- are you texting daily, part of her life? And is she interested and part of yours? Ready to drop everything and come for you? I'm sorry but it sounds vaguely cultish to me, and a life doomed for celibacy. You haven't given her any money have you? Or is it just an emotional investment?

[Norest]

You're only ever going to be a secondary, unless they split up, which they have said they won't. You can't deal with this. Poly can't work in this case.

So you need to end it, and treat it like any other breakup.

[juneau]

Sometimes love isn't enough.

The way I see it, that's all you have. Nothing else.

And you've got to wait what - 10 years? And they're supposed to be moving over here from across the other side of the ocean. Where are they - the US? Canada? Unless they're European citizens they won't just be able to move over here, you know. If you and this woman got married, then yes, but them moving over to be in a polyamorous relationship with you? Um, I'm pretty sure UK immigration isn't THAT progressive! This is a pipe dream. Its never going to happen. Break it off. Nurse your broken heart. And then find someone WHO IS AVAILABLE. This woman is not and never will be.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

The way I see it, you don't owe this woman monogamy. So if it softens the blow for you to start dating/sleeping with other people before ending it with her then do so.

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, you deserve better than this. Dump her and move on. You'll survive - people survive bereavement and divorce - you're giving up someone you see a few times a year. You won't find someone you actually have a chance of happiness with while you're still in her thrall.

[Hissy]

So all you have is a whole load of promises... And nothing concrete.

He just gets off on her fucking you and coming back to him. She's not going to leave him. Why would she? She's literally got it all.

The way I see it now is that you are enabling this ridiculous situation, and nothing will ever change while you continue to do so.

End it, and go and play the field. Find out what you want and enjoy it.

IF she feels the same for you, when she has no more excuses left, you will see if her words hold good.

[diddl]

Yes & no.

He is willing to share her-well, when they get to a stage of life that makes it convenient for them.

You do not have to be willing to share her just because he is.

[WhatBecomes]

Yes he's done it for her I understand that but I feel like if he can do that for her when I'm the one coming into their marriage then I should be able to as well. Does that make sense?

[WhatBecomes]

Moving closer isn't an option because of the kids and we are either side of an ocean so there isn't an in between.

[diddl]

Also, he has done it for her, not you.

If it weren't you but another woman that she wanted he would be doing the same.

[wonderingsoul]

What about you moving closer so you can see each other more then just 3 or 4 times a year?

[diddl]

"He's done so much for us. So maybe I should try ?"

Do you want to be the third wheel in their relationship?

After waiting until they deign to let that happen, of course.

If you are willing to wait the specified time & then share her, fair enough!

If not, get out now!

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Okay. So how many years are we talking? 2? 5? more than that?

I know that heartbreak, I've been there. Sleeping tablets, rescue remedy and a lucozade sport a day for calories got me through, and I'm okay now, I got through it. If it comes to it, you'll survive that too. Remember that.

I wouldn't think of it in terms of not being able to match his sacrifice. Everyone has different limits. Living outside of them can be done but leads to a lot of heartbreak. He may be able to share her with you, for whatever reason, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you'd be able to do the same thing. I couldn't. It'd kill me seeing someone I loved with someone else, I couldn't share like that.

I suppose there's also the chance that he might not like this when it becomes more real. At the moment, you disappear for weeks a few times a year, and that must be hard for him, but when she comes back, she is "his" again for the rest of the year. She spends the majority of her time with him. He may be able to cope better with that rationale, like you might find it easier if she lived with you and you had the life that you dream of, but she spent a few weeks every year with him. A lot of people will turn a blind eye to a small infrequent event if everything else is good.

[WhatBecomes]

Yes wannabe. I agree. But part of me thinks 'he is willing to do that, he has already accepted that we love each other and isn't trying to stop that'. He's done so much for us. So maybe I should try ? Because all I want is to be with her. That's what he wants too. He's willing to make sacrifices because he loves her, I wish it was as easy for me to do that same. It must hurt him to know we are going off to be together intimately for weeks, and I know they do it too.

I don't know. It's all so complicated. It really is wrecking my head.

But I have NEVER loved anybody like this. We were on rocky ground for a few days and I couldn't eat or sleep, I had to take sleeping pills I was in such a state. I think I would die of heartbreak.

[wannaBe]

hhow many years are we talking about here?

And just how ready are you to be in this relationship with her husband in the mix?

Sleeping in your own bed while hearing them having sex in the next room, could you handle that? knowing that she won't be with you tonight because she'll be going out with her husband and then coming home with him?

This isn't about being with someone permanently, it's about everything that entails. You have to look at the whole picture not just the togetherness one.

[WhatBecomes]

Not sharing her husband is my choice. I like him, I know him. I don't want a sexual relationship with him. My choice.

[WhatBecomes]

Did they are willing to move across continents to be with me when the kids finish school. I think that's a pretty big compromise. They've never lied to be, always been completely open. 100%

Everything is laid out on the table. I just don't think I can handle living in the situation or waiting so long. Maybe if it was a couple of years I could try. But to wait all that time then find its not for me would be devestating.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

At some point, you have to look at the actual situation, rather than whimsical dreams.

Even if we absolutely accept that she loves you, she loves her husband and children more. To the extent that she will not share her husband with you. She has an arrangement that suits her perfectly, she sees you a few times a year, the rest of the time she is happy with her family.

This does not work for you. She has told you that she does not see a future without her husband in it. You need to accept this - not argue it, or hope that she changes her mind, or ignore it - actually accept it. There is no future for the two of you in a monogamous relationship.

You don't want a polyamorous relationship. I don't think it would work anyway, I think you'd end up jealous and hurt that he comes first. So this doesn't work for you, there's no way forward.

At some point, you rip the bandaid off. Until then, you just carry on going, having some good days and some terrible ones, until the terrible ones outweigh the good ones or she leaves or something else happens, and suddenly it's off. And then you deal with the pain, because it will hurt, but you start to heal. Rather than being in some kind of strange limbo where you know you're believing a lie but you don't want to let it go, you start to recover and make a new future.

The problem occurs when you either refuse to let go and make yourself so miserable that you can't see a way out, and then have to go through the pain anyway but starting from an even lower ebb, or you wait too long and waste the future as well as the past.