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Original poster

High maintanence friend driving me crazy! Is it me??

62 replies

VIX1307 · 01/12/2015 11:58

One of my good friends has always been extremely high maintenance (IMO). I just don't know if I can take it anymore and starting wondering if her extreme reactions are justified? Is it me or is she just too much? We have known each other for over 10 years now and are very close but sometimes I just feel suffocated by her reactions to me when I slightly don't behave exactly as she would like me to.

We are both women (30 yr old) and she gets very irate if I don't reply to her messages straight away.
She text me yesterday (a motivational picture quote) At the time I was getting my nails done so couldn't really reply and then it slipped my mind for the rest of the day.
She text me again at 9.30pm at night when I was driving home so I read the message (which she could see I had done) but I couldn't reply again as I was driving and made a mental note to respond once home. Ten minutes later I get a passive aggressive text. Something along the lines of 'ok no worries chat soon'. I apologised and told her sorry it completely slipped my mind to reply earlier and I was driving just now which was why I didn't respond straight away, no big deal type thing.
She replied 'ok shall I respond now or maybe wait a few hours like you do?'. I told her I'm not interested in having this convo and that she's being silly- it was a mistake, that I wasn't intentionally trying to upset her and said I was sorry. And she told me I was being really mean not replying all day so I suggested we talk later when she feels better. The response was 'Yeah but you probably won't respond so what's the point'. I just said 'fine suit yourself but you're being ridiculous' and then I get the 'oh wow thanks for being such a great best friend' etc 'nice to see you're bothered' and other words to that effect. Then blocked me! I despair!
How would you deal with someone like this? We seem to have the same argument over and over again and it's driving me absolutely bonkers! Should I be trying to cater to her needs more or does she need to chill out?? Any words of wisdom on how to deal with someone like this? or AIBU? xx

OP posts:
Original poster
VIX1307 · 01/12/2015 15:25

Well she's just unblocked me and messaged saying 'no worries, obviously you were just too busy yesterday'

OP posts:
catlover97 · 01/12/2015 15:28

Omg I could have written your op!

I had a similar situation with a very high maintenance individual. I think because over the years I just went along with the situation rather than ever challenging her on her odd behaviour (helped by living quite a way away from one another so I avoided a lot of madness) by default we ended up "best friends" Hmm which with hindsight was due to her falling out with everyone else she knew rather than because we had some innate bond.

Last year she got married and it was horrendous! I was bombarded with requests to do stuff/spend money/be in places with v little notice etc etc so eventually we had a barney and I walked away despite the attempted guilt trips of "but we've been friends for so long!" and the more illuminating "I don't have any other real friends who understand me."

While it's been hard not to wobble, it's also been incredibly freeing as I realised just how much energy I used to expend to ensure I conformed to "standards".

You've hit the nail bang on when you say it's not like this with your other friends. For me that was what gave me the strength to not just walk away but to stay away. It's not you, it's her! Flowers for you though op..it's very hard x

catlover97 · 01/12/2015 15:31

Ok having seen your latest update, I think you need to return the favour and block her! Life is too short for this shite!

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/12/2015 15:31

Gosh, it was kind of her to admit that op, wasn't it?

Bet she could sniff that you were this close to telling her to f* off and so she dialled her behaviour back a bit. I bet you a squillion quid.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/12/2015 16:16

My reply would be;
'and obviously I'm now too busy for the rest of my life!'
Block!

iamEarthymama · 01/12/2015 16:23

W

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 01/12/2015 16:25

Really couldn't deal with that. I'm assuming neither of you have families yet? I found directly I had kids and a DP plus work, I just didn't have the time to be dealing with friends that required immediate replies.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 01/12/2015 16:27

You both sound uptight.

You don't reply to her messages until you could, so what?

But ^Ten minutes later I get a passive aggressive text. Something along the lines of 'ok no worries chat soon'

Why was that passive aggressive? Why not take her at her word and contact her when convenient for you both? It sounds a perfectly normal comment.

If it's part of a pattern, then why bother with the drama. Blocking, unblocking, 'passive aggressiveness" ... if someone's being silly and shallow, just ignore it. Right now you're engaging in it and spilling the entire conversation on here.

it all sounds a bit late-teen really.

IncidentalAnarchist · 01/12/2015 16:30

Don't read messages whilst driving.

angelos02 · 01/12/2015 16:31

You do realise that you don't have to reply to a text. Or answer the phone.

Scarydinosaurs · 01/12/2015 16:36

I had a friend like this. SO high maintenance. When I fell pregnant she just went off at me about something ridiculous and I reached the end of my tether. We haven't spoken since.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 01/12/2015 16:46

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer She's queen of passive aggressive and I always know exactly when she's doing it and it's pretty obvious when she accompanies it with 'sneering' emojis. (Just to add to the late-teen 'esque'ness!) All the PAG, blocking etc is only from her side and I find it very boring also trust me! Grin
Will try the not engaging thing if she pipes up again- for now I'm just going to leave her to it.

OP posts:
OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 01/12/2015 17:13

yeah an apparently harmless comment can be part of a pattern. In which case ... oh god the drama. Imo better spend the time with people who don't need social adrenaline drama kicks

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 01/12/2015 17:56

"We usually stop talking for a few days and then she comes back and apologies and just says she feels like I don't care etc we make up and then the same thing happens again a month later!"

It happens that often?! Shock And in the >10 years you've known her has she always been like this? I know what I'd do. I'd get rid. Let's put it this way, would you stay in a romantic relationship with someone who pissed you off every month? I know I wouldn't and I certainly wouldn't want a friend like yours.

Tearsoffrustration · 01/12/2015 18:11

One of my close friends doesn't text back for weeks sometimes - it's fine - we're both adults we both have busy lives

ItchyArmpits · 01/12/2015 19:41

The thing is when she's not being crazy she is a good friend. I recently broke up with my BF and she was great and really supportive. Though as soon as I step a foot out of line it gets thrown back in my face. She's like Jekyll and Hyde!

Honestly, she's not a good friend sometimes. She's controlling, all the time. If you posted about a boyfriend behaving this way on the Relationships board...

zombiesarecoming · 01/12/2015 19:57

Delete what's app and just go back to normal texting

She can't see that you've read it so can't whine about you not replying straight away

Or just tell her to fuck off and stop being over dramatic and needy

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 22:06

Please tell us what the motivational quote was.

I do hope you wait for at least 24hrs before you respond to her text.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 01/12/2015 22:33

The quote was "never be afraid of losing someone who didn't feel lucky enough to have you in the first place" haha

OP posts:
Dietcherrycola · 01/12/2015 22:47

Have you googled Borderline personality disorder? It might be worth being aware of the symptoms in this context.

girlguide123 · 01/12/2015 22:50

she's blocked you?

I'd call that a result. but then I'm a bit stroppy like that...

StealthPolarBear · 01/12/2015 22:53

Well have you replied to her 3pm message? If not I expect she'll be blocking you again surely

marzipanmaggie · 01/12/2015 23:00

Three words. Life's too short.

Hissy · 01/12/2015 23:22

She uses whatsapp precisely to tell if you have read her message... It's a form of stalking.

Don't reply to her on whatsapp, switch Off your status and ideally block her on whatsapp. If I were you I'd block her entirely, but I don't think you have the fortitude to be able to do that.

Migrate her to text only. If you have iMessages, again switch off the read receipts. She is abusing this information.

BMW6 · 02/12/2015 09:54

Blahdy hell.......she's a piece of work! I'd be taking this opportunity to get out of this "friendship". You'd be well rid.