Finally having it out with FIL

[SparklyTinselTits]

I've had a moan on here before about FIL, but know it appears to be finally coming to a head. Sorry for long post, but don't want to drip feed.

I've been with DH 5 years, married for 18 months, and have almost 8mo DD.
DH has never had a real relationship with FIL. FIL left MIL when DH was 3, and never made an ounce of effort to have a proper relationship with DH. He swanned off and got remarried (wife number 3, was married before he married MIL), had another son. As you can probably guess, that marriage also went down the shitter.
FIL and DH reconnected just before I met him, and have more of a "mates down the pub" relationship, than a real father-son relationship. In recent years, FIL met a woman who had recently become wife number 4. They live in the middle of nowhere, a few hours away from us, and have a little miniature farm.
DH's new DSM is, to put it bluntly, the most self-centred person I have ever met. She's the least maternal person on this planet. She literally recoiled away from DD in the few times she's seen her. All she ever talks about is herself, or that fucking farm. It takes every ounce of my effort to not scream out loud "no one cares about your barstarding pigs other than you!"
Safe to say, our idea of a real family, is very different from FIL+WifeNo4's.
My parents live quite a distance away from us as well, but regardless, value the time they spend with DD, and make the effort to come over to ours or we go over there a few times a month, and both my mum and dad ring a few times a week just for a chat and to see how DD is doing.
FIL however, does not call, has only been to our house twice in 5 years, and has seen DD 4 times in her life - 3 of those times has meant us driving the 2 hours there, for me to stand in knee deep mud out in the cold/wind/sun at the fucking farm while holding newborn DD. The other occasion, was DD's Christening. We were expecting FIL, WifeNo4 and DH's step brother to be coming. The day before, FIL calls and says he will be coming alone. Ok, whatever. I'm always ok with avoiding conversation with WifeNo4. He came to the church service, along with all of my extended family. DD fell asleep just as the service ended, so I was just about to pop her in her pram to walk down to the community centre where we were having a buffet and the like. DH comes over, and says "Can Grandad have a cuddle?", so I said, can he not wait until we get to the community centre and have a cuddle when she wakes up. Apparently not. As FIL was leaving there and then. Is it just me, or is that just fucking unbelievable? That he couldn't stay for an extra hour or so in order to spend some time with his granddaughter on her christening day?!
Since the christening, we have heard hide nor hair from FIL. Not even a phonecall. And when DH has tried to ring, he's got the anserphone every time. DH got a text the other day, asking what DD would want for Christmas. A minute for her grandad to actually seem to want to see her maybe?!
After that DH decided it was time to ring FIL, and confront him about his behaviour. He made it quite clear that it seems FIL does not seem remotely bothered about spending time with his granddaughter, and that I am beyond furious about it. FIL seems oblivious that he has done anything out of the ordinary
He's now decided that he will make a visit even though he needed to be prompted by DH to do so, and I have requested that he come alone, without the heartless cow WifeNo4. Which is all ok with her apparently (yay! ).
Now my question is, after all this crap, how do we handle this visit? DD is a very clingy baby. She freaks out if I hand her to anyone other than DH or my mum, and cries if I leave the room. I'm worried how she will react to FIL, as she has only seen him a handful of times, and most of those she was a newborn.
Also, I'm pretty sure FIL will be very stand-offish with me, as clearly this is all my fault, as he has done nothing wrong in his opinion.

I'm dreading it.

It is a sad situation but I think you are trying to force something that isn't natural and won't happen. Why do you think that FIL is somehow going to become a great GP? He wasn't a good dad and hasn't changed and has married someone who isn't going to encourage him to do so.
I can understand why you and your DH want this relationship to happy but I really think that you are setting yourselves up for years of difficult encounters and forced relationship. These will end in more pain and rejection for your DH. You would be doing him and your DD a favour by leaving it up to your FIL to initiate contact and leaving it on his terms. Your DH needs to accept his dad's relationship for what it is. Don't drag your DD in to it as she will pay the price when she is older and your FIL still isn't interested but is being co-oered in to visiting. Your DD will understand this when she is older so just leave it to be on his terms. The situation sucks and I really feel for your DH but you won't change him.

Btw there is nothing wrong with you being disappointed. That is natural but the point is you can't force a person to change. Surely the past has demostrated that.

Sorry but you sound a bit ridiculous - he effectively abandoned his son as a toddler, clearly is not family orientated and every attempt to build a relationship you are very dismissive of as it is not what YOU think a grandparent should be like. Your comments about his wife are quite spiteful. He has seen her 4 times in 8mths...for a guy as disinterested in family as he is, that is quite a lot. Stop trying to force the role of perfect Grandad on him, focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and expect that he will be standoffish during his duty visit - I would be as well if my asking what a child wanted for Xmas resulted in being read the riot act.

I can never understand why people think that someone who wasn't interesting in their own DC will be interested in yours. And you go know his wife doesn't have to be maternal, don't you? She probably feels the same way about your DC as you do about her pigs.

However, if your DH really wants to persue a relationship with his father then you are going to have to loosen your grip a bit - let him cuddle DD when he wants (if she screams he'll hand her back soon enough) for example.

But stop expecting them/him to be something they're not.

You all seem to have such different ideas of what is OK and important. Could you consider that your opinions are not necessarily 100% correct?

Of course it is sad that FIL was not a good parent, and that he and his wife are not proving to be hands-on loving and supportive grandparents, but you don't seem to care at all about the things which are important to them. You might be surprised how many people are good parents (and grandparents) and who also care about animal welfare, food provenance or have a little farm. There are much worse hobbies which have to be tolerated within families.

I think you were extremely rude to request that FIL comes without his wife. It doesn't matter whether she is his first wife or his 21st wife - it is who he has chosen to have a relationship with. You have no idea what her background is with respect to having children, and yet have been rude in judging her as "a heartless cow".

Of course you want all the best for your dd, and fortunately you have other grandparents who offer the kind of model that you desire. Be happy with that. You cannot make your FIL conform to the same kind of relationship, and if you want to show him an alternative model of behaviour then perhaps showing some generosity of spirit, love and compassion towards him and his wife might help.

Very good post from VenusandMars

"Atilla I think you've hit the nail on the head there...FIL was a shitty father to DH, but DH still craves a relationship with him. And that's why he want FIL to have a relationship with DD. Guess he has the notion that because he was a crap dad, he might make up for it by being a decent grandad".

This is why your DH still has a semblance of a (really non) relationship with his dad; he is really trying to create something that really is not there, probably memories. Unfortunately people who do not step up to the mark like his dad more often than not go onto become selfish and poor examples of grandparent figures themselves.

OP you sound very judgmental, unpleasant and self entitled.

I'd love a small farm.

exit and me. But surely they are so selfish and should concentrate on being Grandparents.

I think your expectations are too high considering hes been consistently the same since forever. Just let him come when he wants to come. No point getting angry over it, but also dont go out of your way to visit either

You're hurt for your daughter, that's understandable.

I think you need to let your husband sort this out though.

If he wants to see his dad then that's one thing.

He's not going to be able to force a relationship between his dad & his daughter though.

Is being a grandparent a job, that should take up all your time and attention? Even when you're a step grandparent?

Sorry but have to agree with some other posters, you sound very judgemental and like very hard work.
In fact YABU!

OP I sympathise to some extent. DH's brother is completely disinterested in DH and our family; our kids have met him twice in their lives and don't recognise pictures of their only cousins. BIL (and SIL) obviously could not care less.

However, they are allowed to be like that. I may not like it (and I don't; it makes me sad and cross for DH who has just given up making an effort) but it's their choice.

Sucks, I know, but there you are.

This is your child, not his.

I think you really need to stop worrying about it and just get on and do your own thing.

Some people become closer to their grandparents in later life and some don't.

Some are close during the early years and then grow distant.

I don't really think it's your place to try to engineer a relationship between your child and your FIL.

My GF is like this (though my GM was lovely, still miss her )

I can't remember him ever speaking to me as a child!! Refused to go to any of mine or siblings birthday teas - he just dropped GM off outside house wouldn't even come in.
Ignored us all when we went to stay, GM had to do everything. DM tells me he was just as shitty to her when she was growing up.

The result was that I had no relationship with him but it didn't matter as I never got attached to him.

The result was that I was heartbroken when GM died but when he died I really felt nothing. He was nothing in my life but it didn't matter as the rest of my family were so lovely.! I didn't miss out on anything, he did.

OP, I would just stop making any effort and just leave him and his lovely wife to their selfish little life. Your DD will certainly not miss him, she has plenty of other family who love her.

We all thnk that our PFB is the most amazing creature ever and it's hard to understand that other people might not think so.
fil and wife number whatever just aren't very interested so why try and force it? Just maintain a low level of contact and if they what to visit let them but don't expect anything from them

I would personally cancel this visit.

Just phone and say something has come up and you will phone again to arrange another time.

Then don't ever ring back. I can guarantee they won't follow it up.

OK, lots of things here! Your expectations are insanely high, given the situation. FIL isn't going to have had a personality transplant since becoming a grandfather, and his wife - who, really, isn't your DH's stepmother in any way, nor is she your baby's grandmother - is allowed not to like babies, and to be more interested in her farm. You might wish she did, but not everyone likes babies or is interested in them, and she may genuinely be wondering why you are boring on about your baby all the time, as you feel she bores on about the pigs.

I don't honestly think the christening was anything particularly appalling - FIL had come a long way to make the church service, which he may well have thought was the important part, and had another long drive home and possibly non-postponable farm chores...? Might he have felt very uncomfortable with encountering other family members at the community centre, as he's no longer married to your DH's mother? (Was she there?)

You seem to have got yourself tied into a knot - you admit yourself you loathe FIL, yet you want him to come and see you regularly because of your baby. And you seem to have a screeching fit of the hates at his wife, which I honestly don't understand. Are you thinking of her as a grandmother? And I honestly think it's incredibly rude to bar your FIL from bringing her with him when he comes to visit you. What has she ever done to you, other than talk about pigs?

I agree with other posters I'm afraid, if a family member showed no interested in my DC there's no way I would be trying to force it, it's their loss. I can understand DH wanting to cultivate a better relationship between DD and his dad than he had but all he can do is leave the door open, if his dad chooses not to walk through it there's not a lot anyone can do about that.

Farms are quite time-consuming, you know, even small ones much like babies.

I don't think that this will be what you expect, but I actually think YAB a bit U.
I get it. But if they're not bothered, it's their loss. It seems odd that you appear to be much more upset by this than your DH. And you're worrying too much about your DD'S reaction to him. As for banning DSM...that was unfair.

You want to "have it out with him" - but why exactly? Because he wasn't a good father to your dh? Because his wife loves pigs more than your dd? Because you don't like his wife (being non-maternal isn't a sin btw)? Because you are worried he'll hurt your dh? Because you're worried he'll hurt your dd?

Work out what it is that you want, and what's bothering you. Wanting him to be a different person isn't reasonable (however desirable). Neither is expecting him to have a close relationship with your family if you insist on excluding his wife (why not invite her knowing she won't come). In fact, expecting a close relationship at all is probably unreaslistic. But what's the problem with a limited one - better than nothing and your dd won't mind unless he starts making promises he can't keep (or you start raising her expectations about what she and grandpa will do together)?

At the moment you've demanded he visit, he's coming but really, you don't want him to. Not a good result. Going out and leave dd/dh with him seems like a good idea in the circumstances. In future maybe aim to have him visit you once a year, and you go to them once. DD will probably love the pigs.

Yes, I was going to say that the farm may well be insanely time-consuming at certain times of the year, even if it's a small one. It may well be difficult at times for him to drive two hours, spend a few hours at your house, then drive two hours home again to feed/shut up the livestock.

I'm not suggesting FIL is a nice person, and he's clearly been a largely absent father to your DH (and maybe it's your hurt at this that's making you a bit shrill and mad about your FIL's relation to your DD?), but I think it's good advice from pps to decide, both of you, what you want from this relationship with FIL as he is, not as the fantasy decent father he could have been to DH but wasn't. That ship has sailed.

What does your DH think of all of this? Does he want him to come? Was he upset about the christening? Is he the one who hates FIL's wife?