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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

heartily sick of dh - don't love him,certainly don't fancy him, currently don't even like the bugger!

46 replies

RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 09:38

that's it really. Just had one hell of a night - kids waking up, me not sleeping anyway as stressed about work. Argued again this am, right in front of the kids. Not exactly healthy or grown-up and not good for them to see. I'd been thinking we should stick it out because of the kids, but sometimes I start to doubt this.
It doesn't help that I@m losing respect for him - I find him greedy, lazy and unattractive. I don't feel he's on my side and is constantly making things difficult. i realise this doesn't make me sound very nice, but I'm just being honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 09:48

ok. feeling really sorry for self now!

OP posts:
GlennCloseAsCruellaDeVille · 12/12/2006 09:51

is it time you considered the future

a heart to heart with him

see if there is a way forward for your relationship

some lifestyle changes

some discussion aboiut what yoiu both want from life?

Flumpybumpy · 12/12/2006 09:53

I had to post as you sound really down in the dumps!!

Don't do anything now, concentrate on making this a fab crimbo for the kids and deal with him and your feelings when Xmas has calmed down.

I will probably get shot down in flames for that comment but that's what I would do!!

FB x

FLAMEinEckItsYuleAgain · 12/12/2006 09:56

I can't decide for you, but one thing I truly believe - kids are better off with two happy parents, than they are with two miserable parents together.

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 12/12/2006 09:57

I think you firstly need to get some rest if you can, as everything seems ten times worse when you're sleep deprived, IMO.
Will you be able to relax a bit today?
Then perhaps look at your work problems, because I think it would be best to get this situation sorted, no matter what you decide to do about your relationship.
Your OP doesn't make you sound horrible; it makes you sound like you need your DH to support you more then he does now.

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 12/12/2006 09:59

Even though it seems hard to believe, I think most relationships go through phases like this. It doesn't mean the end, but it is a warning sign.

Don't be too brutally honest with him about how much you dislike him, but do tell him that you think the relationship needs a bit of work. Who knows, he might feel the same.

Small children, lack of sleep etc can be a real killer for a relationship, so don't feel bad that you feel this way.

Find ways of reconnecting with your dh so that you can start to like him again. Maybe in the evenings when the children are in bed, he needs to pay you more attention, cook a nice meal etc.?

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 09:59

thanks, I feel like i've had a couple of virtual hugs!
I should let things settle, take time off work etc and then consider what to do. I'm just worried that we're not "fixable" IFYKWIM?

OP posts:
WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 12/12/2006 10:03

I can only speak from personal experience, but I have in the past felt completely disconnected from dh, that we aren't fixable etc. I once told him the full extent of it, and we really thought it was over.

However, within about a year, things were better than ever.

As his dad said at the time, (cliched I know) "It takes rain to make the flowers grow".

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 10:06

That's good. I'm worried for us though because if I'm honest, I've never really loved him since the heady days of our 1st year togehter. He's not the love of my life - I've had such an intense relationship twice - and I feel the difference. I feel short-changed often but mostly try to forget this.

OP posts:
WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 12/12/2006 10:10

During hard times, it is always tempting to reflect on past relationships and future possibilities, but deep down, you may care more about him than you think.

I am not a trained counsellor, so I feel on scary ground here, but I would be tempted to see a counsellor to resolve that nagging feeling that there is something wrong.

littlemisspiggy · 12/12/2006 10:13

your post sounds identical to my weekend.
I had also been thinking like Flumpybumpy says to just make it through xmas for the sake of the kids but it all blew up on Sat. night. I was ready and well up for contacting a solicitor.
In the end I took day off work y'day to have a serious heart to heart with DH (just H then). I dropped DS1 at nursery then went and had a coffee in a coffee shop where I wrote a list of all the things that were on my mind so that I didn't lose the thread in the argument (as usually happens) and went home to have it out.

Big life changes have been agreed but both of us know that we are on probation with each other. I feel much better.

All to say I feel for you and send you strength to stay in control to decide whats best for you. Take a step back to define what's troubling you and how you want it to change.

I agree that 2 happy single parents are better than 2 waring parents but make sure you have exhausted all other avenues.
Big hugs to you.

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 10:17

thanks, LMP - you sound like you've been very brave! Good luck with yr major life changes, at least you've now been honest with each other. Should follow yr example.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 12/12/2006 10:39

It is really, really tough on your own. Emotionally I am happier than I was being bullied by my ex-husband, but it is incredibly hard work being a single parent & I am so much poorer than I was when I was married.
If you think you can both take a step back & find a bit of love & time for each other to make this work - don't miss that opportunity.
Big hugs to you. Very stressful time of year.

persephonesnape · 12/12/2006 14:01

i do think theres a romanticised popular view of relationships that isn't true to life. there will be bad times, at least in favour of your DH youloved him once? yes? you have shared experience etc that you can build on to improve
your relationship.

I'd probably try and get xmas out of the way as well. (young) children are perceptive, they'll know you're feeling low - (bigger children are probably a little more wrapped up in themselves!) you may feel different in a couple of weeks. use this time to try and objectively work out exactlywhat is wrong - what you want from thisrelationship and from your life. tehn when you talk honestly to your DH, give him a period with which to assess what he wants as well. don't set too much store by anything angry he says at first.

hope it all works out for you

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 14:15

I know you're right..but I'm in my 30s with a few relationships behind me so I don't think I'm speaking from inexperience. We've been together 8 years (my God!) and if I'm honest, we were only happy and for my part at least, in love for the 1st. I know this pattern is common, but I notice more affection with most other couples or I hear one say about the other "I hate how he does X, but I still love him". I don't feel this way towards dh - he annoys me, at times revolts me. I do respect many things about him, not least how he is as a father. But is this enough?

OP posts:
jampots · 12/12/2006 14:17

im in exaclty the same place rantothehills - i sympathise

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 14:19

sorry to hear that, jampots. are you planning to stick it out?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/12/2006 14:23

Have an affair w/someone who has just as much to lose as you do if he gets found out.

jampots · 12/12/2006 14:25

probably not rantothehills. If I was more submissive he would have destroyed me by now. Luckily I am a gobby cow but do feel Im missing out on something else.

I like expats advice

maltesers · 12/12/2006 14:25

Sympathise with all you mums there. Stuck it out with my ex dp cos son is only 6 yrs but when he got aggressive and hurt me that was it....He even pushed me once i was out of the relationship so i made a statement to the Police and got him arrested. If it makes you so sad and unhasppy then its better to bite the bullet and get out. You can be a better mum without HIM dragging you down and upsetting you all the time.

Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 14:25

you serious?! How does that help? Not to say I haven't been tempted ever though, no candidates atm anyway!

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 14:25

sorry that was to expat!

OP posts:
Original poster
RanToTheHills · 12/12/2006 14:27

maltesers glad you got out!
Dh is not at all violent towards me or the kids. He gets pent up with fury but I know he'd never do anything.

OP posts:
maltesers · 12/12/2006 14:27

The only bad bit is having to face him on the doorstep when he has contact with our son of 6 yrs. Last sunday heas late back and keeps me dangling bout each tuesday at 5pm when i have to go to work, so we do have the odd argument. Told him i hated him today. (sorry just had to get that out)

expatinscotland · 12/12/2006 14:28

Yes, I am serious.