Feeling resentful - am I just being selfish?

[AuditorofReality]

Help!

I am prepared for some honest opinions as I cant seem to get a handle on this.

I am a well qualified mum of 2, great husband, lovely job etc. etc. My DH has recently moved across the country to pursue his career - he did have a choice not to go and get another job, but choose to move instead. The DC and I don't see him all that much but we are holding it together somewhat.

I love my DH lots, we have been together for 17 years and are generally very happy - but I am tired of doing everything myself, doing all the things in the house, with the animals, with the children etc. and denying myself (this is important) opportunities for progression at work or new jobs etc. because there is no one at home to help me if I take on more work or take promotion. Whereas I have supported him 100% in everything he has pursued, even at the detriment of my own feelings or workload.

So the result is I feel resentful of him being able to pursue his career and be devoid of many of the responsibilities (because he is not here) and it is eating me up and I am frightened that I am going to spend the rest of my life resenting him and it will jeopardise our marriage (which is generally very supportive and happy).

I have tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't really understand and thinks I should be more grateful that he provides for us and works hard to do so.

I know this is a pretty small problem in the grand scheme of things - but I need to know if I am being too selfish - any insight would be appreciated.

He says he is only doing it for us, for the money, so we can be more comfortable and have what we need

Bullshit!

My DH tried this one in me too once.

My response, 'does this mean that if you didn't have me and DD you'd be doing less hours and less focussed on your career?'

Of course it didn't. My DH was perusing what HE wanted to do FOR HIM and not because it was better for us as a family!

Thanks for the patient answers!

We manage okay with school (kids are private) and school are very sympathetic to the kids need to see their father. They get set, and do work when they travel - so far its worked out okay. We are going for 3 weeks at Christmas and the kids will still have a week when they come back.

I 'think' we discussed it a lot before he went, but he didn't really want to discuss it because he thought it would not happen - but pushed for it to happen - therefore I don think we talked about the right things. My memories are really hazy - but it was always kind of accepted that I would be able to cope with everything (and should be able to)

It is a permanent move - so there is not technically a time when it is up - but after a year the lease on the apartment etc. will start to wane and it will make it easier for him to come home if he wants to.

I dont think he is going to change the way he perceives the situation - so therefore either I will have to change or leave, which seems a bit stark

Joysmum I dont want to think my DH has done what you describe - but I think you have nailed it. He tells me how much I am getting out of the situation - and actually he is getting what he wanted.

Therefore why cant he just be honest and tell me that is what he wants?

You tell him.

"You say you are doing this for the family. In my view, the family would benefit more from you being home, so I don't accept this. If you want to continue, we need to discuss for how long and how you will mitigate effects on the rest of us whilst away"

You're definitely not being selfish at all.

Maybe he is doing it for the family. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he thinks he is doing it because the better job, and more money, is better for the family.

But he has pretty much just opted out of family life and left you to get on with it. It's hardly a different set up than if you were a single parent and he, the ex, had the kids regularly. Only you've not split up - I assume you are missing him as a partner too? (Or if you're not, that's enormously telling).

And that's not fair.

One thing I can't work out from your posts is what you as a family are actually gaining from his move. What does he think the family is gaining? It doesn't sound like it's a job that pays so much more money you're able to outsource all the family stuff that you still need to do.

I do miss him, I enjoy my own company anyway - therefore am not lost without him.

We are gaining financially - but much of it is deferred. Running two homes (and school fees) on his and my salaries is still a stretch, but he is being rewarded with more bonus/shares etc and pays less tax than he would in the UK - so technically we get more of it. I am not short of anything I could possibly want - but apart from cleaning cannot see that outsourcing the extra stuff is the answer. He is right when he tells me I would have been doing the stuff whether he was there or not - doesn't mean I have to feel good about it?

Just because you agreed to something initially, you are still entitled to change your mind.

Before he started the new job, you thought it would all be ok. Now that you have experienced the new setup, you are not happy about having to do all the work of running the family home and feel resentful. Completely understandable. Just because you 'can cope' with it all, doesn't mean it is desirable or beneficial.

What did he say when you tried to talk to him about how you were feeling?IMO a loving partner would at least be concerned that you were unhappy. Sounds like his is dismissing your actual feelings and telling you what feelings you 'should' have: 'grateful that he provides for us and works hard'.

He is dismissive- mainly because he doesn't like dealing with it.

I worked yesterday 14hr shift and was telling him about how the children needed some items of clothes for the Christmas school party that I needed to get - I was a bit tired and moany but was told 'that is not what the phone calls are for'

Which I took to mean - that he doesn't want to share the shit stuff or hear about how difficult I find it - just the good news and to be updated.

i don't feel very valuable when he tells me what i should and shouldn't share and makes me feel like I am ruining his day by telling him

IMO that's the real problem here - you don't feel listened to or valued by him.

I would be honest with him. When he comes up with a response like that, just pull him up on how he is just checking out of family life.

You have every right to say you've tried it for a good while but it's not working. You are essentially parenting on your own, and you are not getting anything out of it.

If this continues like this, it's just going to make you resent him more and more. He either needs to acknowledge and appreciate this, and try and find ways to support you, or you have a big decision facing you.

Wow! 'That's not what the phone calls are for'
How dare he dictate what you're allowed to discuss! I know it's not the same set up, but my DH works away, (only mon-fri) we live up north, he works down south but if ever there's something to do with the kids that needs tackling he comes straight home so I'm not the one dealing with it all the time. He batch cooks at the weekend to make it easier for me when I get in from work or at least does a big food shop. He appreciates that without me here, he couldn't do what he does and I appreciate that if he didn't work away, we wouldn't have the lifestyle we have.
It's not always easy working and looking after the kids on your own, but some people do it 24/7. The difference is,they're single parents, you're not.
Surely this is going to have a detrimental affect on your kids GCSEs? Not to mention your career, how do you get the time off?

Thank you all for your insightful replies - I thought I was going mad at one point feeling like I did, but I think you have put it all into perspective.

I am going to have a think about things, he is away on a business trip for a few days so I dont expect he will be in touch after yesterday and that will give me some time to think about what I want to do.

How much easier would your life be if you were officially separated?

What happens if/when your children want to do a weekly hobby or see their friends? Or are you all supposed to put your lives on hold whilst you traipse around the world travelling to see your selfish arse of a husband?

Seems to me like your dh deals with problems by pretending they don't exist . And upping sticks to a different country suits him perfectly in this regard. As did sleepwalking into the arrangement somewhat (putting off difficult discussions because it 'might not happen'). As did a lack of 'ok let's keep talking to check whether this works for everyone'. A very difficult dynamic to break. After a 14ht shift and having to sort out kids extra requirements I would think of my dh didn't want to hear about those problems I would be convinced my dh had effectively checked out of the marriage/family and didn't give a shiny shit about me. Bloody hell OP. What about you ?

Sorry op, sounds like you would be better off separating, at least that way he woul have to have his kids and you would get a break.
No way on earth I would agree to me or my dp working away like this, it would be obvious we wanted out of family life.
Even when he is home you said you do most of the house/childcare aswell as working so I dont actually see the point of what your arrogant twat of a dh actually contributes to a happy, healthy marriage

It's clearly not working for you. I wouldn't bother going into the reasons why and how this happened. Maybe he lied about what he wanted (intentionally or unintentionally), maybe you did, maybe there was just generally poor communication.

Leave that behind. Start a new conversation explaining that things aren't working now for you. His response to that will tell you enough - if he's happy to plan a change back then all is well and good and the problems in the past were probably oversight/miscommunication.

Op

This is a tough tough situation.

He has basically made this decision because he wanted to. For his career/ progression/ happiness/ maybe to get out of a rut. Family life is clearly not what he wanted and he's found a way to opt out but without officially opting out 'I.e separating'.

So he leaves you with the drudgery of maintaining home/ running chores and gets to live an utterly selfish life totally unconstrained by children.

I'm sorry. But i would also find it hard to believe that this man is spending 6 weeks away from you at a time and remaining utterly faithful. I know its unfair of me to make unfounded accusations.

But if I was with someone and they upped sticks this way, I'd just assume it was their way of paving a new path for things to be over.

like others my OH is a weekly commuter, we spend an hour on skype every day, he does the internet shops, i walk round the kitchen looking in cupboads tell him what we are short of, give him our planned meals it might not be much but he is being involved.

Your husband has just fucked off, and is loving the disney dad visits where he gets to take you all on a holiday once every few weeks.

And when he returns stop organising for him, tell him stuff needs doing if he doesn't do it well tough shit, let everyone know it was his job.

kids: when are we leaving for x?
you: your dad is in charge ask him.

It does seem that your marriage has developed where both of you put your needs behind his. You are finally recognizing how unbalanced that is and that you are not happy. Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that we really went along with decisions that were not in our best interests. It is also shocking how little the needs of you and the children factored into his decisions. Are you frightened of confronting him with your own needs?

kids: when are we leaving for x?
you: your dad is in charge ask him.

just like at work, he copes at work he can cope at home.

I'm not frightened of confronting him, but I am apprehensive of the consequences. I am not sure how I let it get to this

"He is right when he tells me I would have been doing the stuff whether he was there or not - doesn't mean I have to feel good about it"

Well, that in itself is wrong - if he was around but not doing anything to pull his weight with chores after you've both done a full day's work, we'd all be telling you to have a word.

So you both do full days but he comes back to limited chores, no kids, you come back to more chores and supporting the kids AND the obligation to be little miss sunshine on the phone?

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a wifebot

And agree with randomuser - start the conversation from now: you tried this and it's not working, now how are you as a family going to solve it?

Do you work freelance, BTW, to be able to get 3 weeks off regularly?

I also don't think much of a man whose plan means his kids regularly miss chunks of school in the run up to GCSEs.

I work contract so dictate my own hours, also I can work from anywhere in the world so can work whilst I visit him

OMG so even when you go out there you're still working? Your life must feel relentless. And all about him.