Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I wish I'd married a woman...

45 replies

VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:15

... (pace alternative thread-posters) because my DH gets in and it's 'what's for dinner' and then DD does a nappy so he goes (very new-man-ish) to change it but as I'm cleaning the bathroom he shouts my name and I don't hear I don't hear I don't hear but then I do and she has runny pooed all over his trews and her shirt and her vest and the table and what the hell am I going to do about it? so I pick up the clothes and our washer's on the blink so to save them going in the sink or a plastic bag to ferment I wash them out by hand kneeling over the bath and my elbows dripping and then it's 'what's for dinner' so I make her dinner and put her to bed and then the next day he's dressing and the button pops off his shirt and he's huffing and puffing and I don't know what to say but I ask anyway and find myself getting the thread and needle because it's easier to sew the button back on than iron another shirt...

OP posts:
morningpaper · 11/12/2006 22:18

This is what happens you let your children have Barbies

EllieChocolateOrange · 11/12/2006 22:22

well, if i married you, i'd probably ask for the same treatment (so you'd be no better off)! sounds like a nice ride, being your husband...

Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:23

LOL@ morningpaper

so THAT's where I went wrong!

OP posts:
EllieChocolateOrange · 11/12/2006 22:23

ps. a little trick when it comes to ironing shirts. DON'T DO IT. Either they go to work crumpled or do it themselves. My dh is fab at ironing shirts

Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:24

Yes, I don't iron shirts either - hence the button-sewing aargh!

OP posts:
WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 22:25

Yes - I draw the line at ironing bl&&dy shirts for work!

He tried for a long time, ploys like "I don't know how to do it" and "It doesn't seem to have worked", but I persevered for 4 years of creased shirts and lack of career progression.

Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:26

So why do I do it? The whole sorting-things-out thing? I know all the arguments... but I still do it because it's easier than not...

but it makes me cross!

OP posts:
Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:27

lol@quietly mad... ooh I feel your pain! maybe I should do that? thing is, I already have career progression and he doesn't... maybe I should stop ironing my own shirts?!

OP posts:
fruitcake · 11/12/2006 22:29

I send the shirts & sheets out to be ironed. A huge luxury but I do everything else myself. I hate crumpled clothing.

Rather than marrying anyone or having kids, live by yourself. If there's crap to wash, it's your own. Buttons to sew on, same. etc.

NappiesGalooooooooooooria · 11/12/2006 22:31

you do not have to make everything better.

you do not have to parent your partner

if you stopped doing anything useful, what would happen??

if you worked out what was realistic, and reasonable and just did that and no more, would the world end?? would anyone die? or leave?

this is the 21st century. treat yourself like a human being if you want anyone else to.

know exactly how you feel, btw, but FIGHT the urge to do it all cause its 'easier'. it is NOT.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock · 11/12/2006 22:31

I have to tell you that more than one lesbian feminist mother of my acquaintance appears to fall into the Stand By Your Gal trap too. It's parenthood. Skews the whole thing.

I say this as someone who grumbled furiously at her (male) partner on hearing that 'oh I'll be away for two nights - goodness, do I have two children I'm supposed to pick up on Tuesdays?' yet found herself stepping Boringly and Reliably into the breach.

Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:32

oh, fruitcake... I would sometimes love to live on my own again (with DD of course)... but then I think I'm an obstreporous cow... so I stay...

OP posts:
Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:35

Nappies - what a kind message. Thank you so much. I don't know what it is that wants to make it 'all' better, but I do... can't stand him being 'lost' and not knowing what to do - but then lose respect for him at the same time (I am unfair, I feel)

OP posts:
fruitcake · 11/12/2006 22:36

I lived alone on & off for a total of 8 yrs & loved it but after having been married & having dc, I couldn't bear to be alone for more than 48 hrs. it's crazy but...

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 22:36

VWW, NG and MI - I am right there at the coalface. Being a mother totally skews the balance. Suddenly I find myself moving possessions around the house at a rate of knots and loading the dishwasher while dh sits on ebay.

Goddam things are going to change round here when I go back to work!

Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:36

and I know my only successful female relationship ended with me and her getting married to other people - so maybe there are rose-tinted-specs aplenty in this scenario!

OP posts:
Original poster
VersoWassailWassail · 11/12/2006 22:38

Am clutching at straws, here, but I cannot believe a woman/wife would treat a man this badly... or am I just naive? (discuss!) feel free to offend - I have been free with the Gordons tonight and can take it

OP posts:
WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 22:39

Jesus VWW, there's a twist.

FWIW if I was a lesbian, I would never treat my partner like a man treats a woman. Maybe that is the only answer????

What was the sex like?

wickedwinterwitch · 11/12/2006 22:40

But WHY do you do all this stuff? I don't, dh and I do 50/50 of all childcare/housework/stuff required to keep us alive.

Blimey, I so wouldn't fancy/live with/marry some man who expected me to be his slave.

wickedwinterwitch · 11/12/2006 22:41

And I disagree, parenthood doesn't have to skew the whole thing.

fruitcake · 11/12/2006 22:42

Only if you allow yourself to be badly treated! Male, female, young, old -- same dif. You've gotta respect yourself, right.

wickedwinterwitch · 11/12/2006 22:43

That wasn't meant to be a criticism of anyone btw, but I/dh don't assume that one of us will do everything, we discuss and negotiate. It's equal, more or less.

Judy1234 · 11/12/2006 22:43

You are twisting a knife in yourself. You are making life harder for your children. You are denigrating your man in a sense.
You need to change your behaviour which allows that kind of incident to occur.
Instead you smile. Say how great he's doing and let him get on with it and you never wish men were women. Men are great and just as competent at women unless you ensure your behaviour makes them not.

fruitcake · 11/12/2006 22:43

By the way, pour me a G&T while you're about it.

motherinfurrierfestivefrock · 11/12/2006 22:43

Parenthood doesn't have to, but it frequently does. I live with a far greater degree of compromise than I'd like.