if you are going to be a SAHM or rely on partners income.. please please get married before agreeing to children.

[Marilynsbigsister]

I don't think I have ever seen a week like it on MN for women getting shafted by partners and father of their children. At least 4 or 5 threads on here at the moment from women left without homes and losing their way of life because their 'partners' have decided they want out. In the latest thread, the lady in question has been living together for 30yrs and will leave with only cm for two of their four children..(the others are over 18) . He has created a successful business while she has bought up a family. This is not recognised by the courts as they are not married.. Please please DO NOT have children with a man who doesn't respect you enough to marry, especially if you intend to stay home to raise baby or will only earn a part time wage and property is owned by partner... until the law is changed (not before time)

Exactly Dixie. The vast majority of married women are getting f-all more than child maintenance anyway

Or protect yourself legally. Too many people just sleepwalk into stupid situations.

Totally agree OP, marriage gives greater protection to the less equal partner than simply living together.

I can't see how anyone can dispute that but it doesn't stop people kicking off when someone dares to point it out.

If you don't get married and it all goes tits up, don't be surprised when you can't get what you'd perceive to be a fair share of assets and pensions etc. Your lookout.

When STBXH and I got married I was the higher earner. I supported him financially while he went back to full time education which enabled him to change career. He has quadrupled his income in the last ten years meanwhile I gave up my job to care for the DCs, and now work very part time.

If we weren't married I would have been stuffed financially when he left.

Out of interest..what is the opinion on single sahm? Or single mums who work every God given hour they can? Stop bleating

Yes marriage does give you better protection and I completely agree that it's scary how many people still spout common law this and that but and it's a big but - if the person you're married to is made of straw then your marriage certificate is worth nowt, it just ensures your right to half of eff all!

I'd say try not to have kids with a tosser (oh but how well they hide it!)

Well, not having lids with a tosser is a good tip too. Sadly tossers camouflage well.

Ineedachat, have you not seen threads where the OPs have contributed towards the bills but aren't on the deeds of the house, then when the man gets fed up she has to just leave with nothing?

It doesn't take much imagination to see how it could all go wrong, especially if the guy has hooked up with another woman and just wants an end to the relationship.

Because there are some men who are quite calculating about the whole business - they want a woman in the house to do all the domestic work, provide sex on tap and quite probably children as well, but they regard the money they earn and any assets they have astheirs - it's always a good idea to get independent financial advice before you move in with or have children with a man, particularly if he earns more than you and is already showing signs of regarding your job as unimportant. Men like this will cheerfully replace you with a younger model or series of different models when they get bored, and will always have intended to do so.

no one is running down single sahm(p), or sahm(p) who is in a relationship

this is a thread about sahm(p) who are not married to the main wage earners and then get left stuffed high and dry when the high earner leaves and OP is trying to say that you cannot complain about not having the same rights as if you are married if you dont want to be married. And also a bit of a warning because there are still people out there that think they are protected because they live together...

Inneed -that isn't really the point though. If you are single you only have you. If you have a partner with a pension and earnings and maybe a house, it is very painful to see them leave with it all after 20 years.

Oh they do indeed hide it well! I would never have had a child without having been married but I've worked bloody hard to stay financially independent as well and now DH has buggered off unexpectedly I know I can probably manage ok

One of my best friends has recently broken up with her partner of 25 yrs

She hasn't worked for 10 yrs because their daughter has complex special years. Meanwhile his career has gone stratosphere. If he had had to do 50/50 childcare he wouldn't earn half what he is.

Luckily she own the half the house but she has no entitlement to his pension, savings, ISA etc. She has zero prospects of re-entering the workforce.

If you don't want to marry make sure you never become a SAHM or have a child with special needs as you will be fucked.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper it is a contract that provides a lot o legal protection.

Yes the scary stuff is not people who choose to do x or y with their eyes fully open but those who genuinely believe that being a morally good or loving person has anything to do with their legal rights.

So get your own career! Do not put it on hold I bet you most men will respect you more for this!
Try to keep things as equal as possible get your name on deeds of any property
Most of my colleagues who had kids returned to work after their babies and may leave yes most work part time and are married but their career gives them great earning potential and kids will eventually grow up so they will be secure that way
I don't think marriage is the be all and end you could still be totally screwed
It's also about self respect

There is nothing you can do if you're child has special needs but I really wouldn't take a step back in my career I've spent the best part of 13 years building my career I would have to go 50/50 luckily I'm trying to get as much of my trading done before kids but it is a sacrifice

You're wrong there, Lollipop - it's much harder to screw a woman over if you're married to her. And sometimes it's not about self-respect - look at the example of a child with special needs.

My relative was convinced that when you live with someone for a certain amount of time you are entitled to half of everything. Her bf got a house and she went with him but it was all under his name and she didn't sign a thing. She said the solicitor said she would be entitled to half if he left her :/ I am sure they didn't say that at all but she is not the only one I know who thinks they are protected by 'common law marriage'

I will advise my children that if they don't want to marry at least remain financially independent or get some other legal protection. It's just common sense isn't it? And of course I would advise them to be financially independent if they marry as well.

I was a SAHM for 16 years, I would not want my daughters to do the same.

I can't believe there are women, married or not, who have kids with their partner but don't have their name on the deeds of the house as joint owners.

Of course with a marriage, if there are no savings, pensions, property etc then it doesn't matter if you are married or not. However if there are assets including the wage earner having a pension then marriage makes a massive difference as the assets will be split fairly or weighted for the parent that does majority of childcare. However if you gave up a career and don't work and your relationship breaks down you can be financially stuffed either way.

You don't have to get married to protect yourself financially. Dh and I only got married this year after 17 yrs together. But from when we had ds1 we sorted out the financial, legal side etc and when we bought a house over ten years ago it was in both of our names, ditto life insurances, pensions, wills etc. We made sure of that.

Marriage makes it easier, it is the simplest way but you can sort financial and legal stuff without being married.

I agree totally OP.

People should know the facts and make their choices accordingly.

It drives me crackers when people say "Marriage is just a piece of paper", it most certainly is not.

Ok it what if the woman is the higher earner then?
Some men actually want to take a step back
I think it works against the person who earns the most and has kept their career going problem with society is that women are the ones expected to that but roles are reversing
I think a man could also be screwed if HE had taken the backseat whilst the woman's career progresed and they were not married

"Please please DO NOT have children with a man who doesn't respect you enough to marry, especially if you intend to stay home to raise baby or will only earn a part time wage and property is owned by partner"

This is the part of the OP where it stops being about 'cold, hard practicalities' imo. Because this is the part that says being unmarried means you aren't respected, regardless of how financially independent you are - and you therefore shouldn't have children.

Maybe it's poorly worded by accident. But that's what it says.

Yes it did seem to suggest that but overall I do think people should get married I just don't like the idea of women being forced into SAHM role

I'm such a feminist