Is this fair after 30 years?

[dewdrop68]

Hi, I'd like some advice. I've been with my partner for thirty years, he was always adamant that he wouldn't marry me and when I tried to push him on this after we'd had two children and I needed some security and recognition he said he would, but only if I signed a pre-nup. I was hurt but had to accept it.He has built a successful business, while I have stayed at home bringing up our children then getting a part time job when they went to school. He has three properties he has bought outright and a pension he has put lots of money into and savings. My mum died recently and I have an inheritance. He now wants to leave as he sees this as money I can support myself with, so he doesn't have to give me anything. . Everything is on his terms, he says he's not leaving until he has bought a house, so possibly months, he refuses to leave before then.I am entitled to nothing as we aren't married. He sees my inheritance as justifying not giving me anything. I will get half the house we live in when it sells. I feel devastated and used. I have brought up our children with little help from him and done all housework house while he made money for himself. I feel that morally he owes me much more after all this time together.

Legally you're pretty badly off, as you now know. Thank goodness you have the house in your name too.

So, forgetting the law - does he feel guilty at all? On the one hand sounds like he doesn't, but the thing about doing it after your inheritance does seem to suggest he knows he's being unfair. If there is any guilt to work, could you take the angle of things for the kids? As mid teens, would he sell the family home and give his half of the equity to the kids equally in trust until they're 21?

Or allow you to carry on living there with his half going to them age 21 / 25 / whatever - to give you breathing space?

He might just might, be more amenable to giving some of "his" money to the children.

I think for the sake of not driving yourself mad though, you need to look at what you do have. Half the equity on your house plus your inheritance, and the time you've had with them from working part time, and perhaps a nice lifestyle (enabled by both of you) along the way.

Cabrinha, yes, you're right. I've got to look positively, I know a lot of people are much worse off than I will be. Onwards and upwards.

Absolutely, what's done is done and you have to focus on how best to improve your position. You've got a decent foundation to build on. Half a house, an inheritance, and some pension (I know you said it was crap but that's better than non-existent and you have 20 years until retirement). You've been working for what must be a few years now, so you have a source of income. You've been part time for a while, fine, you could increase your hours. Plenty for you to work with.

What do you want to do about the house? If you want to stay, could you pay off the other half of the mortgage yourself? If you don't, or can't afford it, what about downsizing?

My friend is divorcing and I suggested to her that she negotiated the mesher order until her youngest was 21 simply as her dc will probably go to Uni and will need somewhere to live in the holidays and won't be earning enough to contribute. Their financial circumstances are that the my friend will never be able to afford the marital home so once the mesher forces sale she'll have to downsize to a 2 bed or completely relocate areas. With the average age of DC leaving home being so much older these days I really think 18 is so unrealistic these days - it's always worth asking for 21 dependent on whether the child goes to uni or not.

Mesher orders can be a blessing or a curse, a blessing because you can stay at the house, a curse if you come out of them too old to get a decent mortgage or even a mortgage at all, at the point when tax credits and child maintenance come to an end.