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Original poster

Is this fair after 30 years?

55 replies

dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 15:18

Hi, I'd like some advice. I've been with my partner for thirty years, he was always adamant that he wouldn't marry me and when I tried to push him on this after we'd had two children and I needed some security and recognition he said he would, but only if I signed a pre-nup. I was hurt but had to accept it.He has built a successful business, while I have stayed at home bringing up our children then getting a part time job when they went to school. He has three properties he has bought outright and a pension he has put lots of money into and savings. My mum died recently and I have an inheritance. He now wants to leave as he sees this as money I can support myself with, so he doesn't have to give me anything. . Everything is on his terms, he says he's not leaving until he has bought a house, so possibly months, he refuses to leave before then.I am entitled to nothing as we aren't married. He sees my inheritance as justifying not giving me anything. I will get half the house we live in when it sells. I feel devastated and used. I have brought up our children with little help from him and done all housework house while he made money for himself. I feel that morally he owes me much more after all this time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 16:46

Thanks Tiger, I'm sure that when he goes and the dust has settled it will be a relief. We met when I was 17. I thought we were a team. I've spent all my adult life with him, so it will take some getting used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 16:49

Thanks lorelei. X

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/11/2015 16:57

It's unclear, did you actually marry him but with a pre-nup?

And from what you say you have dependent children and possibly rights to the home you live in as you have contributed towards it even if not married.

If your children are mid teens he can't just walk off into the sunset he has to support them. I know you've said you have sought legal advice but there's a world of difference between a shit hot family lawyer and a local solicitors firm who don't specialise.

TheTigerIsOut · 28/11/2015 17:05

Dewdrop, there will be the shock, the mourning of the routines and the plans ghat you have together, but once these pass, it will be as if the sun had come out (or at least, it was like that for me)

Original poster
dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 17:09

Movingon, we were never married. He offered a pre-nup after I'd asked him about marriage when the kids were little, but it felt like a bit of a joke to shut me up at the time. He would never discuss marriage with me. I'm entitled to half the house as my name is on the deeds, but that is all. I might just see a solicitor again, although every legal website I've looked says if you're not married then you're not entitled to any assets unless your name is on them. Mine isn't. He's always had an accountant to sort things out for him, so he knew exactly what he was doing in putting everything in his name. I suppose some people might think it Is his money as he earned it, but I gave up my job even we had children as there was no way I could have worked atvtge same time as he was never around to help out, away for two nights a week and working into the evening.. I used to think I had same rights as a married woman until fairly recently. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 17:10

Tiger, you're right. It's the constant thoughts of what could have been. X

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/11/2015 17:16

He will have to pay child maintenance (20% of his income for 2dc) while they are in FT education. However, if he owns his own business, proving his income can be problematic. Some men can be very clever in hiding their income in these situations.

I'm so sorry, dewdrop - he has placed you in a horrible situation. You have basically spent your live tending to him and your DC, while he's been earning his own money, and now he's leaving you with (almost) nothing. Of course this is morally wrong , unbelievably callous of him - however, legally there is nothing is you can do. I wish they would change the law to protect women like you (they could - but governments don't seem to want to undermine marriage as an institution).

I wish I could shout from the rooftops that women must be married to their partners before they become a sahm - I know several irl who are in just your situation. The only way you can remain unmarried and have children is to keep your financial independence.

RedMapleLeaf · 28/11/2015 17:36

I'm so sorry, dewdrop - he has placed you in a horrible situation.

I disagree I'm afraid. She knew the situation and chose it. She's financially in a better place than many people at the end of a relationship and in the meantime he's financed her raising their two children as much as she's raised the children whilst he worked.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 28/11/2015 17:38

Looking at legal websites is not the same as good legal advice.

You have dependent children so this is not straightforward.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/11/2015 17:58

I think upping and leaving the OP with 2 dependent children, expecting her to cook and clean for him until he decides to leave, and thinking he doesn't have to give her anything - is leaving her in a horrible situation, actually redmapleleaf. She's been with him from 30yrs and is the mother of his children.

If they were married, she'd be entitled to half of everything- I think she's entitled to feel a bit shortchanged.

Tram10 · 28/11/2015 18:07

I am sorry for what has happened to you, it is dreadfully unfair after being partners for 30 years, although he sounds like he has always been a prize shit, so probably par for the course.

I think I read about a case recently (think I read it in the Daily Fail, so may not be too accurate), but a man was forced to give a lump sum to the woman he lived with for 20 years, for all intents and purposes they lived as a married couple and had a child or two.

If you can find that article, try to locate the lawyer who took on her case and see if there is any precedent that could possibly help you.

If not, find yourself a top notch family lawyer for advice.

lorelei9 · 28/11/2015 18:11

Under " I wish they would change the law to protect women like you (they could - but governments don't seem to want to undermine marriage as an institution)."

I don't think it's that - I think it's that people like myself and my MP in fact (we had a chat about this) think that if you can get the same rights under living together that you get with marriage, then living together comes off the table as well, for many of us. The law as it stands gives you two choices - I could live with someone and be confident they wouldn't try to fleece me later, but if they got automatic rights as per marriage, that option would be lost to many couples as well.

Not everyone wants the legal rights afforded by marriage. I really hope they teach this in schools by now though, adulthood is so much about dealing with legal and financial matters.

RandomMess · 28/11/2015 18:17

Start living completely separately within your house. You can claim tax credits as a single person with dependents and he'll have to start paying maintenance.

Tell your DC the truth.

Huge hugs, what a complete sh*t he has turned out to be Sad

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/11/2015 18:26

lorelei, I was thinking more along the lines of Dame Helena Kennedy's suggestions, in that it is for the protection of children in the event their unmarried parents split, and an earning father leaves a non-earning (or lesser-earning) mother with the care of the children (or obviously the other way round - but this is by far the common scenario.) Her suggestions are that cohabiting couples with their children, who have lived as a family for many years, in the event of a split, a financial settlement similar to that of a matrimonial split is due. It would certainly put an end to women and children being left in the circumstances that the OP has been.

I agree with her. She wrote about it in one of her books - either 'Just Law' or 'Eve was Framed' - I forget which.

However, OP I won't take up any more of your thread with political pie-in-the-sky discussions. Good luck. If you can, grab as much of his financial documents as you can - bank statements and whatnot, and make sure he at least pays child maintenance for the children.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/11/2015 18:27

Oh, and don't cook for him, or do his washing! Angry

surprisearrival · 28/11/2015 18:40

No advice, but sending you

RedMapleLeaf · 28/11/2015 18:43

I think upping and leaving the OP with 2 dependent children, expecting her to cook and clean for him until he decides to leave, and thinking he doesn't have to give her anything - is leaving her in a horrible situation, actually redmapleleaf. She's been with him from 30yrs and is the mother of his children.

Separation is hardly ever anything but a horrible situation, but it's not as though she didn't choose to make these decisions. She gets half the house and all of her financial assets (the inheritance) which is the financial arrangement she signed up to.

Original poster
dewdrop68 · 28/11/2015 18:48

Thanks Tram, I'll try to find that article. Under, they should definitely change the law to offer some protection to women. When you're in love with someone it's quite difficult to see a situation like this ever happening in the future. In the eighties, when we hooked up, living together felt new and a kickback to the stuffiness of tradition like our parents. Then you have kids and your lives are entwined and you realise you've put yourself in a vulnerable position because you're financially dependent.
Redmaple, I never saw him as a meal ticket so I could stay at home and have kids. We were a couple and relied on each other.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Itisbetternow · 28/11/2015 18:54

If the OP was married the inheritance would count as part of the marriage assets. In reality the OP is going to end up with the capital from half a house and CM. to be fair that is more than a lot of married women end up with when their marriages end. My Stbxh had no private pension or savings - like most of the British public.

RandomMess · 28/11/2015 19:03

I do wonder if you'd still be entitled to a mesher order (?) to stay in the house until the DC are older whilst having sole occupancy.

The sooner you stop acting like his partner the sooner he'll move out IMHO

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 28/11/2015 19:11

I think I'm right in saying that you can't be forced to sell up or move put until your youngest child is 18.
This might be useful. You should probably register an interest in the home, in case he decides to renege on his deal of half-shares.
And definitely see someone about your rights at the end of a realtionship. He doesn't get to decide who gets what and he's certainly responsible for child maintenance, whatever else is agreed. You could go to CAB for a basic overview, but they'll tell you you need a solicitor. Some bureaux have weekly booked sessions with family solicitors; you could look into that.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 28/11/2015 19:15

Sorry, think this is more relevant to your circs.

Shutthatdoor · 28/11/2015 19:18

If they were married, she'd be entitled to half of everything- I think she's entitled to feel a bit shortchanged.

Yes but he may very well have been entitled to half the OP inheritance aswell. As they aren't married he isn't

Kr1stina · 28/11/2015 19:24

I think that various governments have been clear that they don't think it's right to force the obligations of marriage on couples who don't want them .

Many couples, like the Op and her partner, do not wish to marry and choose to not have any financial obligation to each other . I don't think the state should tel them how to live their lives .

aprilanne · 28/11/2015 19:25

i feel sorry for you but this is the chance we take if we have children out of wedlock .at least you getting half the house and getting to keep your money .

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