Absolutely distraught - relationship ended and I cannot cope with anything

[FreckledLeopard]

For various reasons it was probably a sensible idea that the relationship ended. We'd been having counselling for the past three months and hadn't got very far. There were too many stumbling blocks that couldn't be overcome - finances, pulling apart from each other when things were difficult, wanting different things in life and generally making each other miserable. We decided to call it a day at the weekend. DP has moved out and is moving all her stuff out at the end of next week.

But - even though on paper it's the right thing to do, I am absolutely broken. I cannot stop crying. I cried all the way to work and have been welling up at my desk all morning. I cry at home. I cry to my friends (who are being wonderful but must frankly be sick of me and my problems). I'm taking leftover prescription co-codamol and tramadol to try and numb myself in the day. I can't eat. I can't sleep, even with sleeping tablets that the GP gave me. I can't focus on anything and the slightest thing sets me off. Just looking at DP's stuff at home, and remembering all the things we won't do together. It doesn't help that Christmas is imminent and I don't know what to do for that either.

Poor DD is having to see my sobbing every day (she's 14 - she got on well with DP and is being quite stoical, but I know she's upset). My mother has dementia, so when I told her I'd broken up with DP she was upset, but I know she probably won't remember, so I dread having to tell her time and again.

I know I'm probably depressed - I've started on antidepressants but they've not kicked in yet. I know, or at least I think I do, rationally, that things will improve. But I've never felt this awful before. When my marriage ended it was so much easier - I was quite matter of fact about it. This time, everything has fallen apart and I can't see any future. I don't want any future. I miss DP (despite all the arguments and the horrible things). It feels like the wrong decision, yet on every rational level it's the right thing to do.

Normally I'm quite good at getting on with things and getting over things. This time I literally cannot function. I am in pieces. How is this the right thing to do if it feels so ghastly?

Not sure why I'm posting really - maybe if anyone has been in a situation like this and got through it, and has any pearls of wisdom?

Today has brought some respite. Not sure if the tablets are starting to work or something else. But for the first time in a few weeks I'm quite zen and slightly out of it, which is a big improvement on the agony I've been going through.

I've seen the mental health crisis team who have been helpful. I'm off work for a week (which I feel desperately sorry about and like a complete failure). I made some food just now and have eaten it which again is the first time in weeks.

Am anxious in case this is only temporary and the despair kicks in again. But it's a reprieve at least.

That's really positive. You are probably right that the medication is beginning to take effect. I hope it's the turning point for you.

I'm so glad. From my armchair my guess is it's not just the break up that caused this. Even if it is a temporary respite I found as I started to recover it came in waves and eventually the good outweighed the bad.

I'm sorry to post again. I'm sorry to be so negative just before Christmas. But anyone's experiences would be very welcome.

I'm less acutely suicidal than two weeks ago. I can say, just about, that much. I'm still crying almost every day. I've been at my desk, welling up at work all afternoon (I went back to work this week).

I'm still not eating a lot. I've lost almost a stone. I still wish that I would be run over, or shot. That someone else would take the decision and I wouldn't have to feel guilty. At the moment I feel tortured - I know I can't hurt myself seriously, but wish I wasn't around. I don't want to hurt DD. But I don't want to be alive.

It's been 8 days since I last had contact with DP. I'm bereft and I'm angry. I can't understand how she can cope. How she can get on in life. And how it seems that she doesn't care. I could be dead, or in hospital and she wouldn't know unless someone told her. For someone who professed to love me so much, it doesn't really feel that way.

If I were dead, would she realise how much I needed her and how frankly, she was the only once who could have helped but didn't. Would she regret moving out? Of course it's irrelevant, since if I were dead, I wouldn't know how she would react. I think that's the odd thing with one's ego.

Everything is bleak and pointless. I can't remember how life used to be and how I somehow managed to get through each day happily before I met her. What was the purpose then? What got me through each day and each week? I honestly don't remember. I know rationally, somehow, that it didn't seem that life needed a purpose so much. That I went to work, spent time with DD, went on holiday, saw friends. But now all that is so utterly irrelevant. The only plans I want are the ones I had with DP. Even if they made me miserable - nothing is as hideous as how I feel now.

Part of me wishes I'd actually killed myself when I was suicidal. Then I wouldn't still be suffering, but would be out of it all. Now I'm suffering, I hate myself and I hate that I've fucked my life up to this degree, but I don't have the impetus to actually do anything.

I'm 33. My life has fallen apart and I cannot cope with anything any more. I have no resilience left. I am a shell. My colleagues are all married and having babies. My friends are all married with young children. People are excited about Christmas. I am dreading everything. Life is overwhelming in its horror.

I cannot contemplate how I get through the weekend. I cannot understand why, oh why, four weeks ago I thought it would be a good idea to end the relationship. It's some twisted irony isn't it?

Why? I cannot fathom how I've ended up here. Why did I make the decisions I did? Why am I like this? Why won't she come back? Why can I read threads about people whose husbands are having affairs, whose relatives are dying, yet they are still upbeat, or at least not like this. On paper there are positives - good job, good friends, beautiful DD, nice house. The reality is that nothing matters. I am trapped and I have no way forward.

Freckle ...I am just going to bed and read this whole post .... firstly ... you are not alone.... I have been through this exact thing ...and believe me everything you are saying I felt a year ago .... the same .... I will tell you what really really helped me more than anything .... I went to see a hypnotherapist for 8 sessions and every time I came out I felt stronger ... it seriously helped me ..I was very suicidal ... I was given a book by him too called 'Thrive' by Rob Kelly ...I read it over about a week and it was life changing. It will make you realise that you actually do have the ability to help yourself ....
There are also free hypnotherapy tapes that you can download free from the internet about how to deal with a break up ...I did this too and it really did help me to take the edge of things and start functioning again....like you I was getting a couple of hours a sleep a night ... I downloaded a hypnotherapy tape on sleep and relaxation ...I went from sleeping 2 hours a night to 6 hours a night in the space of 2 days ...no tablets.
Also go to Holland and Barretts and get a good Vit B tablet ...I use B100. The vitamin B will help to relax you and your muscles.
I am a year down the line ... the moment you stop trying to look into the past for the 'why' and let it go ...is also something that will help you to heal.

Use these tapes and get the book ...they really can help xxxxxxx

Hi freckle hope you are doing ok today. I know exactly how you feel as I am there too. I can completely relate to everything you say and feel. Can't offer much support other than you are not alone and to keep posting as it is a help. Thinking of all of us dealing with broken-hearts.

I too have recently gone through a break up after many years together. I'm a little further on than you having broken up in October. I completely relate to the sadness you feel. I too have had moments where I have just wanted to die, not to kill myself but just wishing something would happen to me and I'd just die. Thankfully these moments are becoming less so now. I still cry almost everyday and am sometimes doubled over by how much everything hurts, it feels like a physical pain that I can no longer be with the person I love most in the world. I don't expect that feeling to go away for some time yet and am just accepting that it is part of me at the moment and something I have to live with. I also have a dd to take care of and am concentrating on building a life for the two of us. By focusing my energy on her I find that it helps to distract me from thinking about my exdp all the time.

You need to go through this grieving phase, I know it hurts but it has to be done. It's how your body and mind heals itself after trauma. It will gradually get better and you'll find there are days when something small makes you smile just a little. You'll think of the pain just a little less. Embrace these little moments of respite and also allow yourself time to grieve when you are plunged back into moments of despair. Getting over a break up takes time, a long time.

Your dp won't just be breezing through life and carrying on like nothing has happened but will be going through pain herself, even if this is not shown to you when you meet.

You've said yourself that your relationship was not good at the end and this is why it's over now. At the moment you're not thinking clearly because you're in panic mode at being by yourself again, it feels lonely and unbearable. You separated for a reason, the same problems would be there if you got back together, nothing would have changed. Staying with someone out of fear of being lonely without them isn't a good enough reason to stay together.

If you're feeling really down and suicidal though please give the Samaritans a call 116 123 or contact them online. Can you arrange for some counselling to get you through this time? A good counsellor will be able to talk it through with you and help you work towards some acceptance of the situation. It's such a tough time of year to get through when you're so down.

And try to keep eating even if it's only a mouthful at a time, just try and keep your strength up. Sending you big hugs xxx

Thank you for your messages. The fact that I'm not the only person feeling like this is helpful, though why anyone needs to suffer like this I don't know.

I actually slept well last night for the first time in months which makes a difference. And I didn't, for once, dream about DP, which is a relief.

I'm trying to focus on the immediate, not the future, which is difficult, but helps when it works. So today I have plans with DD and then am going to bake. I have some presents to wrap. When I'm in the midst of any of that then it's a distraction and a reprieve for some moments. I think it helps now that DD is off school and around all the time - plus the new lodger is about too.

I have the local crisis team phone number which is manned day and night, so it's there if I need it.

I think the hypnotherapy is a good idea and I'll look into it. I have a counsellor but think I only have one or two more sessions (it was organised via work and there's a strict limit with no real scope to extend). Part of me wonders if I need to look into some kind of longer-term psychotherapy (Freudian/Jungian) to try and figure things out (dissecting my childhood seems like a good place to start). But it seems prohibitively expensive and lengthy.

But - today is a better day than I've had for a while. I'm just trying to focus on that.

to everyone else heartbroken or depressed at the moment.

I have been there. All I can say is:
It is truly awful
It feels out of your control
You reach a terrible day and think it can't get any worse- but it does
It takes a long time
It gets better
You can force yourself to think of other things- you think it isn't possible but you can
Walking helps- or some kind of exercise- I walked every day, sometimes miles. It helps. Fresh air, the chemicals it stimulates.
Being good to yourself helps
Time helps
Not engaging with him/her helps- detach, detach, detach. Have no contact at all. Let it go.
If you do absolutely nothing about this, it will resolve itself. Everything does in the end.

I am now very happily married with a 12 month old DS. I can not imagine what I ever saw in ex. We had so many problems andmy self-esteem was zilch with him. He moved his life on quickly - they do that because they did not care as the other person did.

Face the future, build your future. Never, ever look back again. Just stop yourself doing it. It is learned thinking.

Yes, small things, nice things- baking, walks, decorate a room, make your home a pleasure for you and your daughter, buy some new cushions and throws, change how it looks, get some new bedding- reclaim your bed as yours, get through today and then tomorrow etc.

You will start to have better days.

A morning will come when she us not the first thing you think about - when you realise it will shock you.

Wishes for better days