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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely distraught - relationship ended and I cannot cope with anything

110 replies

FreckledLeopard · 26/11/2015 12:04

For various reasons it was probably a sensible idea that the relationship ended. We'd been having counselling for the past three months and hadn't got very far. There were too many stumbling blocks that couldn't be overcome - finances, pulling apart from each other when things were difficult, wanting different things in life and generally making each other miserable. We decided to call it a day at the weekend. DP has moved out and is moving all her stuff out at the end of next week.

But - even though on paper it's the right thing to do, I am absolutely broken. I cannot stop crying. I cried all the way to work and have been welling up at my desk all morning. I cry at home. I cry to my friends (who are being wonderful but must frankly be sick of me and my problems). I'm taking leftover prescription co-codamol and tramadol to try and numb myself in the day. I can't eat. I can't sleep, even with sleeping tablets that the GP gave me. I can't focus on anything and the slightest thing sets me off. Just looking at DP's stuff at home, and remembering all the things we won't do together. It doesn't help that Christmas is imminent and I don't know what to do for that either.

Poor DD is having to see my sobbing every day (she's 14 - she got on well with DP and is being quite stoical, but I know she's upset). My mother has dementia, so when I told her I'd broken up with DP she was upset, but I know she probably won't remember, so I dread having to tell her time and again.

I know I'm probably depressed - I've started on antidepressants but they've not kicked in yet. I know, or at least I think I do, rationally, that things will improve. But I've never felt this awful before. When my marriage ended it was so much easier - I was quite matter of fact about it. This time, everything has fallen apart and I can't see any future. I don't want any future. I miss DP (despite all the arguments and the horrible things). It feels like the wrong decision, yet on every rational level it's the right thing to do.

Normally I'm quite good at getting on with things and getting over things. This time I literally cannot function. I am in pieces. How is this the right thing to do if it feels so ghastly?

Not sure why I'm posting really - maybe if anyone has been in a situation like this and got through it, and has any pearls of wisdom?

OP posts:
Blossomflowers · 30/11/2015 11:32

Freckle sleeping will help and try as hard as it is to eat something, even if it is a smoothie. Don't even think about dating you need to go through the grieving process first.All I can say is it will get better,it really it will. Everyone is different but for me took a long long time. AD's do take a while to kick in is a cruel thing really. for me took a good few weeks, so just stick with it. Oh an for what it is worth unless your ex is a robot she will not be out having a good time.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 11:45

I can't stop thinking about DP and why she is so much calmer than me and how she can just slot back into the life she had before we met.

Because for you it is all new news. For her, she's had a lot longer to come to terms with it in her head. She's at least weeks ahead of you.

Don't worry about the dating. I felt the same and gave myself a two year moratorium. (You'll be reassured to know that life has had other plans and intervened Smile ).

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 11:48

I want this to be a nightmare that I wake up from.

Try to note how the nightmare ebbs and flows. It's not at 100% strength 100% all of the time. The times when you find yourself distracted by the sight of clear sky or the smell of fresh bread or whatever will become longer, stronger and more frequent.

ginandbearit · 30/11/2015 15:59

I really feel for you OP, am going through something a bit similar in that my relationship with DP is just not working, we are growing apart in many ways, and we both know we should move on, but it is very sad for both of us.

However a previous relationship of mine ended with me being exactly like you, massive grieving and distress, which I sort of realised was about other losses too. I was a real mess, but what helped was a bit of hypnosis and something called EMDR, a therapy which involves Eye Movement. It has had success with PTSD, and you may find it helpful in blunting the pain you are in, it worked for me, just a suggestion..thinking of you..it's shit, really shit.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/11/2015 16:13

I'm willing to try anything, gin. Thank you. Will look it up.

Dreading this evening. I have two potential lodgers coming to look at the spare room. I need to tell them why I'm now renting it out, why there are boxes in the living room and I need to not cry whilst they look around.

Everywhere there are memories and reminders. I wish I could erase them all.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 16:14

I need to tell them why I'm now renting it out

Do you?

RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 16:15

I mean, is it expected by a potential lodger?

Handywoman · 30/11/2015 16:19

Can you download the Headspace app and do some free guided meditation? I think if you can start seeing the tiny ebbs and flows of your feelings you may get some relief. As RedMaple said.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/11/2015 16:20

I think so. I need to explain that the desk currently in the spare bedroom, that DP was using as an office, will be moved downstairs where DP's sofa currently is. I need to say that the boxes will be gone.

I suppose I could say the boxes belonged to the old lodger, but there's an awful lot of them.

I think it's probably easiest to say what the situation is. Otherwise it would come out later, once they'd moved in, and I don't want them to think I lied.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 17:02

To be honest, as a prospective lodger I wouldn't want to know the details. I'd want someone being positive about my future home and not feel as though my presence was a matter of upset for them. I think it would be kinder to you and them to just be a bit breezy and say, "obviously these won't be here".

ocelot7 · 30/11/2015 18:39

As redmapleleaf said - the potential lodger does not need details beyond how the room will look

So this is something you have managed to get organised - well done! Hope you find an interesting lodger to have around...

Hope the sleeping improves...and do eat something - anything at all at times like these!

FantasticButtocks · 30/11/2015 18:41

Don't go into it with a potential lodger, it will only set you off. Best to just say that this desk will be there, not here, and that sofa is going or whatever. Just state what the set up will be. No need to go into explanation of whose sofa it is etc.

donajimena · 30/11/2015 18:43

Force the breezy freckles! Get the room let. Smile

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 30/11/2015 21:49

Potential lodgers have been. I didn't mention break up and was deliberately vague.

Have my stronger sleeping tablets so going to take one now and pray I don't wake up in a few hours.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 30/11/2015 22:12

Well done Freckled. Notice your triumphs, such as tonight were you had to talk around the separation and didn't burst in to tears. I've been there; I'll celebrate with you. Sleep tight Flowers

FantasticButtocks · 30/11/2015 23:55

Instead of praying you don't wake in a few hours, make a plan B, for if you do. The more you dread waking and worry, the worse you'll feel. So a plan along the lines of ^if I wake up, I'll go through the alphabet naming a pop star (or something) til I get to Z, if I stay awake for longer, I'll get up and have hot chocolate and watch one episode of ...then I'll go back to bed. Having a plan may ease your worry about waking and possibly allow you to relax enough to sleep better.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 06/12/2015 20:33

Ok. Two weeks in and things are so much worse. Seeing GP again tomorrow. Suicidal. Can't eat. Can't sleep without tablets and fast running out of those. I'm an absolute wreck. I don't know it the anti depressants are a cause or not. I don't know anything. The pain is indescribable and I can't cope anymore.

OP posts:
wynkenblinkennod · 06/12/2015 21:41

Have just seen your post and I feel for you so much as I was the same. Suicidal, not eating, wandering about in a daze.
I would phone the samaritans, just to talk to anyone, to stop me feeling and thinking. I also had to keep going back to my gp, and they recommended counselling which helped a little. But what really helped was the constant support from friends and family, and tbh just time. I couldnt see a way forward, couldnt see a future but I promise you that it will happen but it takes time. Please keep breathing for your daughter, that is what got me through it too. I couldnt do that to them. It would have destroyed them.
Please focus on one day at a time. One day at a time, that is all for now.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 06/12/2015 21:59

I know I can't do anything because of DD and I can't hurt her or cause pain. But this situation is intolerable. I am so ill now. My world has reduced to a black hole. There is no hope and no future. Everything is utterly meaningless.

I just wish so much I would be run over or something. Then it wouldn't be my fault and the pain would stop. I would give anything for the pain to stop. I have cried and cried and still there are more tears. From the second I wake up it is sheer torture.

I had no notion that I would become like this so quickly. 15 days ago I was ok and functioning. I thought there would be an element of relief at the break up. Instead it is the worst misery I have ever known.

I don't know what the GP can do. The only person who could make it better in any way is DP and she won't.

OP posts:
wynkenblinkennod · 06/12/2015 23:43

Is there anyone you can call? To come and stay with you? Please please keep going, you must absolutely must do this for your daughter. No matter what, you must keep on because if you do anything to yourself then you will damage your daughters future. She will think that you did not think enough of her to live for her. I know what I am talking about. I have been where you are. It really does get better, but there is no magic wand, you have to go through hell to come out the other side. Have you phoned the Samaritans?

wynkenblinkennod · 06/12/2015 23:52

You must get back to your gp, if she cant help, try another one. I used to think of motivational quotes to keep going. I was in a black hole too but think of the positive things in your life and through that black hole there can also be a glimmer of light. Good things will happen to you again. You will laugh again, you will sing again, but you have to go through grief first to get better.
I feel for you I really do, it is horrendous, but I know it gets better too.

Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 07/12/2015 02:05

2am. Awake again. I've had just over two hours' sleep and that's apparently it now.

There is no-one who can stay.

It's hopeless. I can't function. Holding out for the GP later.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreckledLeopard · 07/12/2015 04:08

4am. Still awake. Just phoned local crisis line whose number I found online for local mental health services. I need to sleep. I cannot function. This is the worst time of the day. The world around me is sleeping and I'm just crying and crying.

I can't contemplate the next 60 seconds. It's Monday. How do I get through another week?

No-one can be expected to be able to live through this. The pain is extraordinary. There is no let up. Nothing. There is no diversion. No escape.

How have I fucked things up to this extent. A month ago we were together. All I want is to go back and change things. I need to sleep. I need a break. I cannot cope.

OP posts:
donajimena · 07/12/2015 07:59

Sweetheart this is more than the break up.
Let us know (if you want) how you get on with the GP.
You WILL get better.

Blossomflowers · 07/12/2015 10:29

Oh dear Freckled I am sorry to hear you are still feeling wretched, I agree with others that this sounds like more than just the effects od the break up and you need to seek further help right now. I know you are in agony but you must focus on your daughter she needs you. I can promise you that one day you will feel better and this will pass. You can do this keep strong and keep talking here, many of us have been through similar.