Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you ditch?

73 replies

SeaCreature · 24/11/2015 18:52

I've had to register on here as it has been a long time since I have posted and I no longer use the email address I first registered with.

Warning: this post contains sexual content

I am quite out of the loop with dating as I was in a very long term relationship that was abusive. When I finished with my ex I took a year out. I have now met a man who is nice and has similar interests with me. It has been normal so far in that he isn't full on and is nice and polite.

We have slept together twice now and quite frankly it is putting me off him. The first time he could not get it up but I put it down to nerves and I myself haven't done it in a very long time.

The second time he struggled to get it up and we spent most of the time with me giving him a hand job . He eventually came but it was in my hand. I have realised now that it was all about him and he didn't really try to give me any pleasure. There was a couple of poor attempts and then he just lay back. I'm also feeling quite low that he couldn't get it up and I'm taking it personally. Surely at the early stages we should be practically ripping our clothes off and there shouldn't be problems like this?

Should I cut my losses or give him a chance as he isn't really experienced despite being in his thirties?

OP posts:

CainInThePunting · 26/11/2015 21:29

You say your gut instinct is to ditch him then listen to it.

Yes, you can put a first time down to nerves but the second time was blatantly crap and all about him.

Don't waste any more effort on hand jobs, if that's all sex is to him then I'm sure he can wank himself much more efficiently. No disrespect intended to you.

Ditch.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2015 21:47

'I think the fact that I don't feel like having sex now says it all.'

Yep.

ALaughAMinute · 26/11/2015 21:53

So he can't get it up and he's selfish in bed and he still lives at home?

Fuck!

Not exactly a catch is he?

RedMapleLeaf · 26/11/2015 21:56

I can't understand how you proceeded to focus on his pleasure after just a little bit of effort on his part. I think I'd only get turned on solely by turning someone else on after we'd been together a bit. In the early days I'd be a bit more selfish about my own experience

Genuine question, why did you continue to pleasure him without anything in return? Did he just lie back and let you get on with it? I'm wondering what I do if it suddenly turned so one-sided.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 26/11/2015 22:17

Fair enough point RedMapleLeaf I think I continued as I didn't know how to react. Yes he just lay back .

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 26/11/2015 22:28

I think I'd be, "Er... what's the matter? Why have you stopped?"

Justaboy · 26/11/2015 22:37

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer and others. No I'm not dismissive at all of other methods of pleasing a lady but I've experienced this performance issue albeit many years ago now and it can distract your way of thinking. However now we have a bit more info like he's mid thirties that doesn't seem like the usual ED reasons like Atherosclerosis that comes with age and the fact that he's still living at home does seem he might be a bit of a ??? trying to think of a suitable term;!

Seems OP that your probably got a lot more go in you than what he has so up to you!

After all a sexless marriage or any relationship isn't much fun for either partner so if it falls down at this stage after a few attempts, then that doesn't bode well for the future:-(

RedMapleLeaf · 26/11/2015 22:39

No I'm not dismissive at all of other methods of pleasing a lady...

She didn't say you were

CainInThePunting · 26/11/2015 22:50

Definitely, 'why have you stopped?'.

OP if you want to keep seeing him you are going to need to have a word but in all honesty, you shouldn't have to.

He is crap in bed and doesn't care.

Serioussteve · 27/11/2015 09:01

Had some ED (medication induced) in the past but it never prevented me from going to town on the woman, ever. Embarrassing, frustrating and shit, but nothing to prevent the fair lady from getting seen to. Selfish not to.

I'd be inclined, op, to ask him if he likes the "odd bit of porn", definitely sounds like a porn problem to me. I'd be very worried he doesn't seem to care one iota about your own pleasure.

Justaboy · 27/11/2015 20:59

I'm just beginning to wonder how much experience he's actually had with women?. If much at all.

expatinscotland · 27/11/2015 21:25

'I'm just beginning to wonder how much experience he's actually had with women?. If much at all.'

Who cares? I've slept with virgins who were more considerate. It's not her problem. He's shit in bed. Dump.

Finallyonboard · 27/11/2015 21:29

Drop him.

Justaboy · 30/11/2015 20:41

SeaCreature Well did you then;?.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 30/11/2015 21:23

Justaboy I haven't ditched him yet. I told him how I felt and he said he was sorry. His reason was that the first time he was nervous and the second time he is used to being talked to. I don't know what that means but we are going to have a proper chat about it.

OP posts:

TonySopranosVest · 01/12/2015 12:39

Uh. No apology then or a moment of "OMG!" realisation that you hadn;t been satisfied by him....

Rather a critisism of your technique and the promise of a proper chat?

Brilliant!

Can I just ask you to put yourself in his shoes momentarily. The situation is reversed...so you were kissing a bit, you started touching him a bit, then he starts touching you a bit and then finishes you off while you lie back. And then, presumably, smile and all done. A couple of days later he comes to you and says "I'm a bit worried as the last couple of times we've tried the old sex, it hasn;t worked out too well has it?" What would your reaction be?

Original poster

SeaCreature · 01/12/2015 18:57

He did apologise but it was his reason that has left me feeling confused as he still hasn't explained why he lay there without reciprocating.

If I was in his shoes I would be mortified and ask what I could do to make things better.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 01/12/2015 19:10

very unattractive. can't see a future here...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/12/2015 19:18

Perhaps he hasn't explained why he didn't reciprocate because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Lives with his mum in his thirties would be quite a turn off for me. Well, that depends actually? Has he ever lived independently as an adult? Is he only there because he is getting divorced?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 01/12/2015 20:40

I'm going to go the way of madness for a second; that his preference for you to talk to him is even an iota of an excuse*. So, here goes:

"Talk to me, baby"

Four freaking words. How difficult would that have been?

I just don't like how it's still Your Job to psychically know what he prefers, whilst he didn't give Thought One to - well, not even your specific preferences, but the general courtesy of checking if the other party is having a good time.

I continue to boggle.

it still bloody isn't.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2015 20:43

'His reason was that the first time he was nervous and the second time he is used to being talked to. I don't know what that means but we are going to have a proper chat about it.'

FFS. That old and hasn't figured it out yet. We're all nervous sometimes. But nah, till not an excuse. I've slept with virgins who were nervous and still managed not to be a robot in bed expecting to be serviced or talked to.

He's shit in bed. If that's okay with you, then by all means, continue seeing him.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/12/2015 20:47

A man whose blames his sexual failings on a woman, whether that's the woman he's with or an ex, needs to be dumped immediately. It's the sign of a total inadequate loser.

WanderingTrolley1 · 01/12/2015 21:09

Sounds like too much hard work.

I would ditch.

Flip

1 2 3