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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you ditch?

73 replies

SeaCreature · 24/11/2015 18:52

I've had to register on here as it has been a long time since I have posted and I no longer use the email address I first registered with.

Warning: this post contains sexual content

I am quite out of the loop with dating as I was in a very long term relationship that was abusive. When I finished with my ex I took a year out. I have now met a man who is nice and has similar interests with me. It has been normal so far in that he isn't full on and is nice and polite.

We have slept together twice now and quite frankly it is putting me off him. The first time he could not get it up but I put it down to nerves and I myself haven't done it in a very long time.

The second time he struggled to get it up and we spent most of the time with me giving him a hand job . He eventually came but it was in my hand. I have realised now that it was all about him and he didn't really try to give me any pleasure. There was a couple of poor attempts and then he just lay back. I'm also feeling quite low that he couldn't get it up and I'm taking it personally. Surely at the early stages we should be practically ripping our clothes off and there shouldn't be problems like this?

Should I cut my losses or give him a chance as he isn't really experienced despite being in his thirties?

OP posts:

Justaboy · 24/11/2015 21:49

SeaCreature That sounds very much like ED and that can have many causes. Can you say how old he is at all?. It maybe he's so affected by performance nerves its taking a toll on attention to you!.

You might try asking him perhaps if there is a problem, its a hell of a thing for most all men to talk about or discuss. If he's been out out practice for some time that may well be the cause, its often not that easy to just "perform" like a porn star.

Of course up to you and if he's OK in all other areas which he seems to be then this one might deserve a little more time before he gets strung up by the nuts!

Original poster

SeaCreature · 24/11/2015 22:00

I had to google 'death grip'. I just don't know what it could be. It could be either a warning that he's selfish or its just his inexperience. I think it is worth discussing with him and then seeing his reaction? The thing is that I'm not exactly a confident sex goddess but I make sure my man gets enjoyment.

OP posts:

noclueses · 24/11/2015 23:16

ask him also if he wants you to show what you like, if he's very nervous he might be rather not do anything than do it wrong! Also he nay think that if you don't ask for anything ,you don't want it (again if very inexperienced).

CactusAnnie · 24/11/2015 23:21

Ditch him asap.

sykadelic · 25/11/2015 01:00

I'm finding it difficult though as outside of the bedroom he is a really nice guy. My ex was controlling and always putting me down.

Isn't it a little sad that you're willing to take a "nice guy" because he's better than your ex? He isn't really a "nice guy" if your wants and needs aren't important to him.

I think the most telling part would have been how he reacted to being unable to get it up. Whether he was dismissive about it, or embarrassed etc etc. If you want to try and work on it, that's what I'd be be basing my decision on.

You haven't said how long you've been together but honestly, life is too short to be accepting less than you deserve simply because it's more than you're used to.

ImperialBlether · 25/11/2015 09:51

I think with a new man you have to judge him by his actions, rather than judge him by his actions after you've had a word with him.

You've seen him in his natural state. ED apart, it wasn't a pretty sight as he had no thought for you whatsoever. Now you could have a word with him and he might spend some time making you happy, but he will revert to his natural state. It's inevitable.

That's why I think you should ditch him.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/11/2015 15:57

Oh god - I bet he spends loads of his spare time watching porn and wanking (yeuk)
I'm going with the 'death-grip' diagnosis as well.

I encountered ED only once - but he did absolutely everything in his power to satisfy me! And boy did he ever!
That's how it should be.

Jan45 · 25/11/2015 16:21

So it's the start of a lovely relationship and he lies back and does nothing to please you, he had his opportunity to show how much of a nice person he is and he failed miserably, I'd end it personally just for that, it won't get better.

As for his ED, again, I reckon too much porn and too much hand action is all he is about.

expatinscotland · 25/11/2015 16:24

Ditch. Anyone who doesn't see pleasure as a mutual thing is an instant ditch.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 25/11/2015 18:45

Thanks everyone for your comments. My gut instinct is to ditch him. It is the very early stages and not really a relationship. I'm unsure now how I feel about him after this as his lack of wanting to please me has put me off him. He didn't seem embarrassed about not being able to get it up and actually didn't show any emotion.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/11/2015 18:48

The lack of wanting to please you is enough. Ditch. That would well put me off.

Justaboy · 26/11/2015 13:52

Well as I see it if the lady's getting pleasured then that makes me feel better so its in shall we say the man's best interests to please his partner:)

All fine and dandy but i think that something else is amiss here it might either be that he's very inexperienced i.e. young and not had that many partners, or he is rather selfish and maybe older and age related ED can strike even in the forties.

Either way I suspect that "that" problem is taking away what he might be doing with you, it's referred to as "performance anxiety". I've experienced that tho quite a long time ago now with new partners, and it can sometimes affect the woman as well. Course these days we're all supposed to "perform just so" but it isn't always like that sometimes a little time is needed.

Anyway OP up to you it's something that you might be able to talk about then fine, unless your instincts are saying otherwise?.

Noneedforasitter · 26/11/2015 17:56

I can't disagree with the general view that it's a very bad sign him doing nothing for OP in the sack, but I think there is a case for the defence.

Sometimes the posts on these threads read like the Queen of Hearts (only LTB rather than off with his head). The main reason to give it some more time is that OP enjoys his company in other respects. Relationships are so much more than just sex, and any successful relationship needs compromise on both sides.

No sex is probably too big a compromise, though, so something would need to give. Before ending it, I suggest it might be worth the OP trying to tell him what to do in bed, and seeing what results. ED is always going to be stressful for a man, and if he is also inexperienced sexually (unclear from the thread whether this is the case) the result may very well be a handshake only, as happened here. I doubt very much it's a porn problem - that is more likely to result in an expectation that every orifice is available.

I suspect most men would absolutely love to be told what to do in bed. It's a huge turn on. If that improves matters in the bedroom, great. If not, off with his head.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2015 17:59

' but I think there is a case for the defence.'

A person can ditch another for any reason at all. Sex is important. This is early on in the relationship. It should be fun and exciting, not hard fucking work.

Goodbetterbest · 26/11/2015 18:02

Life is too short for shit sex.

Ditch and move on.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 26/11/2015 18:12

For those who have asked he is mid thirties so not completely inexperienced. If we were in a relationship and ED happened then I'd be understanding. Its still early days and should for me anyway be exciting. I shouldn't be dreading sex or having to explain that a woman needs attention too.

OP posts:

0dfod · 26/11/2015 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/11/2015 18:27

You should not have to tell a man to make a bloody effort with foreplay. You shouldn't have to tell him that your orgasm is important. At the point where you are considering that you should be running in the opposite direction.

I've come across (fnar) quite a few men with ED but with a couple of quickly ditched expectations they always make a huge effort with the oral/foreplay. I have never been disappointed. Well the lack of hard cock is always a bit disappointing but ykwim. A man who lay there like a sack of potatoes would get the big fuck off from me sharpish.

RedMapleLeaf · 26/11/2015 18:32

What was he like at the stage where you were getting intimate but not having sex? Or did that not really happen?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/11/2015 18:58

Ooh, good question from RedMapleLeaf!

JustABoy, every [female] poster here has said it's not the ED that's the problem, but the lack of giving OP any pleasure (through alternative methods). But you keep ignoring that. Deliberate?

expatinscotland · 26/11/2015 19:47

'Its still early days and should for me anyway be exciting. I shouldn't be dreading sex or having to explain that a woman needs attention too.'

This. With bells on. Bin him.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 26/11/2015 20:06

RedMapleLeaf to be honest there wasn't that much foreplay. There was a bit of fingering but the attention turned to him.

Just to reiterate what was said above in relation to Justaboy's post, its not the ED but it was how it was focused his pleasure and he didn't seem too embarrassed which is making me question whether or not to give him a chance. I don't expect him to perform like a porn star but I do expect sex and something that is fun.

OP posts:

ALaughAMinute · 26/11/2015 20:18

So have you decided what you're going to do OP?

I'm in the 'ditch him' camp by the way!

expatinscotland · 26/11/2015 20:26

No foreplay is a dealbreaker. And life is too short for shite sex.

Original poster

SeaCreature · 26/11/2015 21:23

I've already arranged to meet him this weekend. I think the fact that I don't feel like having sex now says it all. Its difficult though as outside of this he seems keen. There has been no guessing games, he has said that he wants to see me again and texts when he says he will. We go out on proper dates. It has proceeded along quite normally.

The only other thing that has made me cautious about whether we have a future is that he still lives at home and now that I have got to know him better, his attempts to get a better job so he can move out seem half hearted. I'm a much more determined person and I moved out when I went to uni.

OP posts:

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