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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tips and advice for healthy dating / new relationships

59 replies

RedMapleLeaf · 24/11/2015 15:33

There seem to have been quite a few threads recently were people have been hurt in the early weeks and months of a new relationship.

I wondered if it'd be worth sharing some words of wisdom for staying safe and secure whilst taking the risk of starting to let someone new in your life?

OP posts:

TooSassy · 25/11/2015 11:21

This is a GREAT thread and so useful for me.
Back in the dating scene after 10 years.

I met a guy about a month ago. We've had a drinks date twice. He's been in touch to arrange drinks again. He's good at staying in contact and made it very clear he's sexually interested. I fancy him too. We also have a good laugh together and would like to stay in touch whatever happens.

Here's the thing. How do you know if a guy is interested in sex vs something more substantial?
I hate the thought of falling for someone and being more into them then they are into me.

Do we get more overly cautious as we get older? Should we be taking on more of our carefree attitudes we had in our twenties? The more I think about that the more I think it is certainly a tactic.....

noclueses · 25/11/2015 12:30

exactly, Sassy, I'm was asking the same thing, men ar often pretending to be interested in relationship but just say it to get to sleep with you.

BubsandMoo · 25/11/2015 12:58

How do you know if someone is just pretending to want a relationship but really just after sex? You can't really, unless you develop psychic abilities. Hence the advice to not emotionally invest too quickly and enjoy the moment etc. Sleep with someone because you want to sleep with them then and there, not because it's part of a sequence of events leading to a future possibility/plan. And judge people by their actions, not their words.

A few weeks after we'd started dating, my boyfriend came over one evening when he knew I was going out later and I felt a bit ill, he knew I only had an hour spare to see him and sex was not on the cards (we were already sleeping together, I do tend to be quick off the mark on that one!). He said he just wanted to see me and give me a bit of a hug to cheer me up. I think we watched tv having a snuggle. That's when I got an inkling that it wasn't just about sex for him.

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 25/11/2015 13:00

NewTo are you me??

Sassy I'm in a similar place at the moment, I'm not too worried about being 'used' for sex as I'll only sleep with someone if I'm happy to accept I may never see them again. However, I am worried about being vulnerable, and falling for someone who either doesn't see me that way or who is more in to someone else. It's a brave new world.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 25/11/2015 13:06

Also, I'm not online dating, so I guess I know a bit more about the men as I've seen them in their natural habitat

OP posts:

TooSassy · 26/11/2015 01:44

Ok. So I'm not alone.

I also agree the only way to be able to preempt any potential let down is to develop psychic abilities. Not a strong point of mine so I will assume that's a no for me.

This is the kicker for me.

If you're in a confident, strong place emotionally and are secure and happy in what you have then I totally agree, have sex if you want to in the moment with no expectation of the future.

If however you have come out of a marriage that has been sexless for a good few years (inevitably has an impact on confidence), you may not be in that strong emotional state. I certainly don't think I am.

So I either go for it and have sex with a guy I like (let's face it, got to break the dry spell with some guy eventually). Risk him disappearing once he's nailed it and try and not let that send my confidence spiralling further downhill.
Or I just accept that I'm not ready for sex and stop dating.....until I am ready....

Actually just thought of option 3. One night stand with a guy I couldn't give a monkeys about to overcome this obstacle I seem to be making bigger and bigger in my mind!

Lordy lord. This dating lark ain't easy!

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 26/11/2015 05:45

Or option 4, continue dating but don't have sex.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 05/12/2015 19:29

How is everyone doing? I had a bit of a knock back last week and it's a long dark winter's evening on my own tonight.

But I'm still in the ring .

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 05/12/2015 19:38

Actions speak louder than words. If they care enough they will show it, if they want to see you they will make the effort. If it feels like hard work carry on with your life and move on and if they are meant to be they will catch you up. Of course its a two way street but if you feel like its only you doing the work, texting, arranging, find someone else who will appreciate you and your time.

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 05/12/2015 19:55

I agree donkey. It can be difficult advice to follow when they're saying what you want to hear, but you really do have to judge people on their behaviour.

I think it's ok doing all of the work if you feel like chasing and seducing, but for me I'm really after someone who is thinking about me as much as I'm obsessing thinking about them.

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/12/2015 08:33

"How do you know if a guy is interested in sex vs something more substantial?"
I don't think you can know, because I think that regardless of how long you make them wait they're either into a relationship with you or they aren't. The ones that aren't, and are just playing games, might get more of an ego boost if a woman waited ages until she thought they were "special". Which is why I don't form an emotional bond before having sex with them, and I do it within the first couple of half a dozen dates which also weeds out the sexually incompatible ones!. That way if they do go cold once they've had sex I'm not really upset, just a bit cross and disappointed. But that does require a seperation between love and sex, which I can do easily enough.

"Should we be taking on more of our carefree attitudes we had in our twenties?"
Yes, I think so. I'm in my 40s and casually dating a man, and I'm so much more relaxed about it than when I was after "Mr Right" in my 20s. He's my "Mr Right now", I'm not thinking too far ahead and am focussing on my life as an independent woman with him as a nice little extra.

LionHeartedWoman · 06/12/2015 08:58

A little bit of patience early on can save you a shit load of pain later. Don't rush things.

Bookaholic · 06/12/2015 09:00

If you ever find yourself thinking about posting on Mumsnet a question that starts 'Is this a red flag...' or 'Is he not that into me...' or 'should I be worried about...' the answer is quite likely to be 'yes'.

Listen to your gut at all times, you might miss someone wonderful but you're far more likely to avoid the creepy/unpleasant/not worth the effort ones.

If ALL of his exes have been mad/out to rip him off/players etc. remember that the only common factor is him.

If he can't stand any of your mates and/or none of your mates like him.

Colourmylife1 · 06/12/2015 09:09

Bookaholic - you are absolutely spot on! I found myself posting twice about a new relationship I was in. I decided if I had to ask a load of lovely MNers whether he liked me or not, the answer was no!

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 06/12/2015 11:05

I don't think that many people actively set out to deceive a new, potential partner. I do think that we find it too easy to ignore some behaviour and facts in favour of the stuff that fits in with our wishes. I think it's important to believe that everyone has their own worries and vulnerabilities.

I agree with Whata this is much easier in my thirties than when I was in my twenties looking for The One. Now I'm not even looking, but enjoying what crosses my path.

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/12/2015 12:49

I also think it depends on what you're looking for. For example a couple of years ago I was looking for FWB and I found a man who I clicked with who was after casual dating. At times I've thought he likes me a lot but other times I think he's not into me enough for the relationship to ever progress, and in some ways that's a little saddening I do think that's an ego/self esteem issue though Then I remind myself of what I was after and why; life is in transition and in a couple of years I shall be making a career change, which may mean a change of location. I also don't want anything heavy or distracting right now as I'm concentrating on important life changing stuff. So actually, thinking about it critically, it's perfect for me at the moment, and I've decided to live in the moment with him and make decisions about "us" when I have to.

I'm prepared to walk away and persue life where the work is, and actually I like that feeling. In the past I'd be so desperate to be in a relationship I may have put that before my career, which I think is unhealthy a lot of the time. Now my relationship is secondary to more important life-changing stuff.

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 06/12/2015 13:03

I think we're in a similar place WhatA. I've realised that for me the goal isn't to Get A Man, nor to Give Up On Men, both of which attitudes I've adopted in the past.

My goal is to be happy and at peace with myself, to learn and to have new experiences, to spend time with friends and acquaintances and to find fulfilment in my career.

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Handywoman · 06/12/2015 13:17

I heart this thread. Nothing constructive to add apart from I am really enjoying dating at the moment. I think because I am open to the delights and disasters that may come my way. OLD is a game of chance and nothing more, like meeting someone in a bar. What happens in terms of someone's actions offline, is what matters. It's all good practice at policing my boundaries for the first time and putting into practice what I have learned about myself, particularly in therapy over the last 6 months.

Am a bit like Bollocks in that FWB will do just fine in the absence of Mr LTR. Because now that I've sorted contact with kids and their dad --and rediscovered
my libido-- there's plenty else going on in my life that makes me happy.

Original poster

RedMapleLeaf · 06/12/2015 13:36

I am really enjoying dating at the moment. I think because I am open to the delights and disasters that may come my way.

Hear, hear!!

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WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 06/12/2015 15:21

"I am really enjoying dating at the moment. I think because I am open to the delights and disasters that may come my way. OLD is a game of chance and nothing more"

Good attitude Handywoman. If I ever do OD again I will treat it as a form of entertainment...and let MNers know all about the really crap dates, LOL. I love hearing about those
I found a Word doc of some of the worst chat-up emails I received when doing OD...maybe I should start a thread and share the joy

TheSeptemberIssue · 06/12/2015 21:59

The 'whether to have sex or not' dilemma was always the worst for me. I'd meet someone, like them, messages would turn flirty (fine) then sleazy and it was just so so disappointing. At that moment, I'd lose interest.

Then I'd meet someone nice, wait the obligatory amount of time, have sex, never see them again. That's a killer.

Then I decided that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone unless I was in a serious relationship with them and I knew they weren't going to disappear. I made my now DH wait three months. Might not work for others but at that time in my life, it was just what I needed to do.

ChippyOik · 06/12/2015 22:19

ChippyOik · 06/12/2015 22:23

haven't been hurt recently (despite dating) because I'm now unapologetic about having my own agenda. Which is to meet somebody who wants a relationship. so often, I read on here, women being reprimanded treating sex as something that is given to men but it's not that that should make a woman wait. A woman who wants a relationship not to be shagged and dumped needs to know that if he's just after an easy shag, he'll wander off. It's helped me avoid being hurt recently. The man I liked did wander off, so there, saved from being shagged and dumped I guess

PurpleThermalsNowItsWinter · 06/12/2015 22:27

Be confident, have self respect and don't be scared of the no word.

You'll easily loose many men this way but the ones that will treat you right, stay.

MissApple · 06/12/2015 23:47

'lose'

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