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Original poster

how to handle husband

63 replies

pissedonatrain · 24/11/2015 10:53

DH and I have been married 10 years. We separated in August but are still living in the same house.

He tells me he wants to move out and be single but still be married. I found it really insulting him commenting about how he didn't really appreciate being single when he was.

So I said does that mean I can move on and date and he told me no, as we're still married.

So it seems to me he wants to move out and do what he wants as a single man, but I'm not allowed to do anything.

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/11/2015 16:38

Excellent idea about having your mother for a long visit. Not because we don't think your mother is nice, just hell truly is other people when it comes to your own home Grin

I absolutely would bring dates back to the house since there are no children to consider. WTF's it got to do with him what you do and don't do? Use the fact that he is spying on you to feed him disinformation - an elaborate dating life for sure (relay the details of basically ANY character in Grey's Anatomy to your sister by phone as if it were your own life). Buy another pair of earrings and put them in a Tiffany-style box even if they cost 2 quid.

In general, however, you appear to be giving him way too much power over you. Why ask him if you're allowed to date? Why take offence at his comment that he didn't date enough when he was single? That's what he wants. The best revenge is to give him the exact opposite of the reaction he's looking for. He tells you he's dating, you say "that's great, plenty of fish in the sea as they say!" as if you couldn't give a shiny shit. He criticises your earrings you say "oh really?" and then get distracted by something else and wander off.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/11/2015 17:00

As there are no children, you can do whatever you like. Date, bring men home for sex, completely ignore the XP. File for divorce. Stop speaking to him and do not do any cooking/washing for him.
What he wants is domestic service from you while he pursues sex with other women. There is no reason at all why this should happen. And once you have sorted out the house and divorced him, you need never have any contact with him again. WOn't that be nice?

pocketsaviour · 25/11/2015 17:03

Do you own your house, or rent? Who's name is on the deeds/lease?

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 00:04

Oh I would love to have my mum to stay! He wouldn't stand a chance against her ha ha! She is 89 years old and unable to travel.

Both names are on the deed.

He can't exactly afford to leave and he doesn't drive so nobody to haul his rubbish to a new place so that is most likely why he hasn't left. Needs a taxi service and a roof.

He never leaves the house unless I am going somewhere so he definitely isn't have sex with anyone as he never leaves!!! He's a large hairy sloth like beast glued to his computer except to forage in the kitchen for food.

Coming back to read all the support is making me feel much stronger about things.

I'd been signed off from working due to illness but I think I feel up to working now. I think I'll spend a week reviewing work and interview topics, update my CV, and start applying.

With your encouragement I think I can extract myself from this mess!

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/11/2015 00:07

Why are you providing a taxi service? He misses his single life, in which he didn't have one.

goddessofsmallthings · 26/11/2015 00:24

I like ravenmum's style. Put yourself about and start dating, OP, and, providing they look like Greek gods are halfway presentable, get your dates to pick you up from your home.

Do you have a friend you could stay over with on Saturday night? If so, spend the afternoon as if you were preparing for a hot date, dress to kill, sashay out with a 'expect me when you see me' and don't go home till Sunday evening. Grin

Needless to say, ignore any calls/texts from him.

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 00:27

I suppose it just got to be a habit of him coming with me to the shops. He doesn't ask me to take him anywhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 00:34

I think I'm going to try ravenmum suggestion.
I wouldn't mind a snog with a rogue Greek god. The stbx has got me feeling rather old and ugly.

Unfortunately I have no friends here as it was his bright idea to move across the country.

What do you even wear on a date these days?

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 01:55

So I'm getting a bit of courage to stand up to him!

He was having lunch and I was standing next to him and he mentioned that my shirt was too small. I just said yeah it is. Normally, I always felt I had to explain myself to him.

So he mentioned it again and said don't you have anything else to wear. I didn't answer him.

He knew I had just hung my washing up to dry.

I've lost over 25kg and nothing I have really fits.

He said it again that my shirt was too small.

I said, are you trying to insult me?

He gets defensive and says he can't talk to me as he is always in trouble so he just won't talk anymore.

I said well I don't think it is unreasonable for me to point it out that you seem to be pointing out my flaws. Maybe if you said something nice to me, you wouldn't "be in trouble"

He said just leave me alone, I'm busy.

I feel good that I didn't explain my existence to him and actually pulled him up on his fuckwiterry.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/11/2015 07:24

Good - much better for you to be calling him on his shit than putting up with it. But i wouldn't have opened the conversation up with 'are you trying to insult me?' that just gave him the opportunity to needle you further and make it obvious you still care what he thinks and says (which is what he really wanted out of the conversation). Studied indifference. "Yeah it is" is fine. That's why he had to keep saying it, because as a reply it doesn't give him anywhere to go.

MiniCooperLover · 26/11/2015 08:08

OP, if there are no children you need to get that house sold and move back to where you lived before, where you had friends and family.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 26/11/2015 08:44

"I heard you the first time" said indifferently

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 09:01

Ok I'll keep those suggestions in mind for when he starts his bs again.

I'm not really sure where I want to live yet long term. With him gone, it would give me some time to think.

I started working on my CV and linkedin profile today so made some progress.

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 26/11/2015 09:04

OP, go buy a bikin and wander around the house in that.
Not a nice bikini either, the cheapest and nastiest looking one you can find.

When he says anything just tell him its none of his damn business.
then smoke fags, scratch your arse, belch and fart whilst lifting your arse cheek

Samaritan1 · 26/11/2015 09:04

Urgh, what a waste of oxygen.

Definitely agree with the "heard you first time" response - don't give him the satisfaction of any other kind of reaction at all.

Hope you get rid soon, I couldn't cope with having that in my house!

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 09:14

hahaha well my legs are a bit like a yeti so I could wander around in some old baggy knickers.

For someone who wants out as bad as he does, he sure is dragging his arse.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 26/11/2015 09:20

Unfortunately I have no friends here as it was his bright idea to move across the country

What's stopping you travelling to stay with friends/relatives whenever it suits you to do so?

tribpot · 26/11/2015 10:44

But he doesn't want to leave the house, where is he going to find to rent that's as nice with just his unemployment benefit to keep him going? You need to stop listening to what he says and pay more attention to his actions. He's not going to leave. I guarantee he's waiting until he's found some other woman prepared to house him. Are you still buying him food? If you're paying for the internet I'd be tempted to change the wifi password. Regularly.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 26/11/2015 10:54

I think you can also change the WiFi name. I'd suggest "fuckoffyoulazytwat"

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2015 10:55

What makes you think he is going to leave? He has no money, no transport and doesn't go out to meet someone daft enough to take him in.

You are just making this a problem for yourself by deciding you're not going to move out. This isn't the only place you can be happy. Get the house sold, split the money and go and find yourself somewhere to live. Rent if you can't decide where you want to live permanently.

It's a ridiculous situation and all the more ridiculous for you thinking he'll just decide to go and leave you alone.

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 12:40

Hmmm this has been going on for 3 or so months since we decided to separate and his actions show he isn't doing anything. He did mentioned how expensive rentals are...

Maybe I am making it harder on myself. For once I would not like to disrupt my life anymore because of this twunt. The last time we sold a house, it was a nightmare. He has this entitlement problem as he refuses to get some type of ID to show for declarations etc. so signing and witnesses anything is a major hassle.

I should change the wifi name and password FOAFOlazytwat

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/11/2015 12:58

I think the only way you could get shot of him easily is to offer him a large sum of money to bugger off. I'm assuming you don't have that, so the only option is one that involves him being deliberately difficult, obstructive, delaying and generally a massive pain in the arse. But at the moment you are no nearer this being over than you were three months ago.

Plus you don't know anyone where you are, doesn't it make sense to go back to where you were previously?

I would have a chat with a lawyer about what the options are to sell the house and complete a financial settlement ahead of being able to start the divorce. I would imagine you don't want to move out and leave him living in the property, and he will either refuse outright to sell or drag his heels until you lose the sale, unless he can see that this forms part of the divorce process where he gets some cash.

I'd tell him you're cutting back on expenses so you can save for your new place and actually get rid of the broadband all together. I don't reckon it would take more than that to get him out.

Original poster
pissedonatrain · 26/11/2015 23:45

tribpot No, no large sum of money.

I could move back but there are a lot more jobs here.

If I left and he stayed here, he would trash the house.

I'm going to ring up a solicitor today to make an appointment for a chat. Still, I have to wait a year of separation to file for the divorce.

I feel slightly better that I have stopped waiting around for him to do something. Hopefully I can get working soon and at least I'll be out of the house away from him all day.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/11/2015 00:22

Do you mean he would trash the house in a violent tantrum, or just that he wouldn't bother with any cleaning so it becomes overrun with mice and general disrepair? If there is any record of violence or abuse you might be able to get him legally removed.

Baconyum · 27/11/2015 00:29

Why do you have to wait a year? Sounds like you have plenty of unreasonable behaviour to cite!

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