Christmas: Family duty and feelings of guilt.

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Just wondering what the other single women of mumsnet (meaning those with no children or DH/longer term DP are doing for Christmas?

I'm mainly asking because I'm feeling in a real turmoil about what to do about mine.

A bit of background...I'm 37 (on boxing day, argh!) Lived in London for nearly five years. Live on my own; although I do have a boyfriend of a years standing. Tbh Christmas these days mainly serves to highlight the fact I have no children or DH (would love to have both)

It's just automatically assumed by parents that I will come home every year for Christmas. This year I'm really not sure if I want to go. I would love to hear how the other single women here are balancing duty with their personal feelings. I'm feeling really stressed and unhappy over it all right now.

Attila. I stay in contact with mum. Most of it via text. I used to go home once a month (I had a reason I needed to go. I don't want to say too much & out myself) Therefore my dads reasoning was literally "You always come to us, so we don't need to come to you" I've now been home once since May.

I don't even think my parents know the address for where I live now. I've moved three times since the last (only) time they came to visit me.

Perhaps I do need counselling to see through this FOG. I do love them. I just feel like they don''t really value me though. Yet my brother lives just up the road, and mum even does his shopping for him!

665: I suppose I do feel responsible for their emotions. I wouldn't put it past my mum to pull the "this could be your aunts last Christmas" line.

My boyfriend very tactfully puts it as "they could be nicer to you" He's only met them once, and he did remark like they act like I popped in from next door, and didn't actually just travel 300 odd miles to be there. Not that I expect the red carpet, but it does make me feel a bit rubbish...

Chrome: I'm not sure if it is what Christmas is all about to be honest. Not when you've travelled hundreds and hundreds of miles, and nearly broken your neck to be there.

Thank you everyone else who has answered as well. I really do appreciate it. :)

chrome do your family actively set out to treat you like crap when you're with them for Christmas, though? I'd say that's a key consideration, myself.

I should add that they don't actively treat me like crap. It's more that I feel I'm not treated as an autonomous adult. I even get told not to be cheeky sometimes, and I'm nearly 37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it may not be active crap-treating, but it doesn't sound like a fun experience to visit them. And if even your boyfriend has noticed..... I mean, your aunt having a dig at you across a dinner table and no-one speaking up to defend you (jokingly or otherwise), or defuse the situation at all? That sounds like no fun at all to me.

It wasn't fun at all. Although last year my dad did defend me. The year before she called me selfish "oh so you think you're not selfish do you?" and everyone just stayed utterly silent.

I was too afraid to rock the boat two years ago. If it happened now I would just get up and leave the table.

She's old so I suppose it's kind of excusable? Although I would like to think I would never turn on a family member like that.

Is she like that to anyone else? If she isn't, then I don't think it is excusable. If she is capable of deliberately targeting her unpleasantness at you (and only you) then she is capable of stopping.

It is nice to hear that your dad called her out on it in a small way, although sad that no-one else did....

"She's old so I suppose it's kind of excusable?"
Nope.

Your parents do treat you like crap because they're selfish arses who expect you to drop everything for them and never lift a finger for you. What would they have to do or say for you to recognise they're treating you like crap? They may not be verbally abusive but that doesn't make them good parents. It's a sliding scale and it's not like they have to tick certain boxes before being crap. They make you feel worse, not better. Therefore they are crap.

Oh come on, I get told not to be cheeky all the time. I just laugh. It's not such a big deal is it?

I am not sure your parents sounds actively awful tbh, despite everyone on this thread thinking otherwise. I think they just sound like average parents. You know, annoying at times etc.

If it's that bad, don't go. But do be prepared for your parents to be hurt.

My grandfather (85 or so now) bad-mouths my sister to me all the time, as in his head once you've 'gone to the bad' there is no saving you. He is too aware of social etiquette to say anything to her personally.

I always speak up for her, both in private and when he does it in front of other family members. I'm not rude or snappy; I just suggest that he may be wrong. It can be done, and it's a shame that your other family members aren't doing it. I wonder how much of a verbal attack it would take for your feelings to start to matter.

Fedup. It wouldn't be a big deal if it was said in a joky manner. It isn't though. It's meant 100% seriously, and when I try to laugh it off (which I have in the past) they get even more annoyed. Then I just feel sick and a bit foolish.

Contessa. I'm glad to hear you stick up for your sister. I'm not sure what it would take to be honest.

I'd hoped to get some clarity from this thread, but now I feel even worse than I did. So upset over it all, and I don't even know why.

I've often wondered why they make me feel so bad sometimes AnotherEmma. I do honestly wonder if it's me and if I'm expecting too much. :(

FedUp
"If it's that bad, don't go. But do be prepared for your parents to be hurt."
What about the OP feeling hurt that they never visit her? Feeling hurt that they don't stand up for her every single time her aunt says something vile? Feeling hurt that they have a go at her for not looking happy enough on her birthday? And I'm sure the list is actually much longer. You're implying that the parents' feelings are the only important ones, and that the OP's feelings don't count, which is exactly what her parents do.

OP, I think I know why you feel more upset now. It's tough to realise and accept that your parents don't give you the love and respect that you need and deserve. I don't think it is you, I think it's them. You wouldn't be expecting too much from normal parents but you may be expecting too much from them. It might help to come to terms with that and limit the amount you give without getting much in return.

I would be making sure I worked that Christmas Eve shift! Offer to work it for the other person if you don't get it. It's the perfect way to get out of going up and to break the pattern.

Many years ago I got the Christmas Eve train from Kings Cross to Newcastle. It was choccas. I bet you have to book in mid February to even get on.

I'm just worried that I will lose contact with them altogether if my feelings of resentment keep growing like they are...

OP, if you want to keep a relationship with your parents, I would recommend being strong now and telling them you won't be coming. I forced myself to spend Christmas with my parents one too many times (if you think it's hard as a single woman - try providing them with their only grandchildren, the guilt multiplies...) and it ended with everything breaking down one Christmas and I made the decision to leave their house and never go back. That was three years ago and I haven't spoken to them since. I don't regret it as life has been so brilliant with them out of my life, but I regret that I couldn't do it in a more low key way, going low contact rather than the big drama of no contact.

It really is in everyone's interest to see if you can renegotiate your relationship with them so it is more on your terms. At least they'd still have a relationship with you.

I'm in a similar situation to you whos but I'm an only child as is my partner, both from small families. I love Christmas but don't enjoy Christmas / Boxing Day as it's mainly spent driving round the country and then sitting in silence whilst my dad moans. If I don't go, then it will just be the two of them. Partners parents do have more family / friends so don't feel as bad about them, but they lay the guilt on further!

We have but our foot down this year and are going on holiday on Christmas Day. It's a bit drastic, but I'm SO looking forwards to doing what I want (don't fly till evening), I do feel guilty, but mainly relieved..

I've often wondered why they make me feel so bad sometimes

"Inadequacy is not a spectrum disorder."
What you are doing - they are treating as - inadequate
who you are being - is inadequate
and
what you want - is irrelevant

A little bit of being judged inadequate is exactly the same as being judged as entirely and totally inadequate - I'm not even slightly surprised you feel bad around them.

Even if you changed who you are and what you do ( and you clearly do a lot to try to please them) you cant make them find you adequate - they will just move the goalposts. To be happy with you would involve them changing - not you.

OP, check out the Stately Homes thread. I'm sure you'd get a lot of understanding and support there.

So I called my mum last night for a chat...

I told her that due to my work it was unlikely that I would get him for Christmas. I explained that Christmas Eve shift or not it would still be extremely difficult and stressful for me to get home just for 48 hours. Also added that it would mean me coming back on 27th, and straight to work for an overnight shift.

I did also gently add that it is a tad unfair that I am just expected to nonchalantly make a journey they've only managed once in five years as if it was nothing. Mum didn't really have an answer to that. There was also a comment about "dad says we may as well not have Christmas if you can't come" I (again gently) told her that that was not a fair burden to put on me, and that I am not responsible for the feelings of my whole family. She actually acknowledged that I was right!!!

So the upshot is that I will go home for a few days week before Xmas ( I have some leave booked) We will go out for a meal and do some celebrating then. Mum did mention her worry of me being all alone and Christmas. I told her I have a bf, friends and cat/horses to keep me company and I would be fine

She was actually surprisingly gracious about it, and so was dad. I feel liberated and like a weight has been lifted.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice wise women of mumsnet. Merry Christmas one and all

Well done for that Op. Good for you

Merry Christmas indeed!!

Well done op, that sounds brilliant. You are awesome!

Mind you don't sound too happy when reporting how it all went later on though, or they'll get the sad

Yay - well done for locating your spine

Seriously though - you've behaved like an adult, and it sounds like they have suddenly realised that you are one and reacted appropriately.

If this is how your relationship was with your parents, it sheds light on the BF issues... how is all that?

Only just read this thread and your update but bloody well done you and a big show of hands!!

DH and i spent 10 years driving round the country over xmas, but for us it was the arrival of DS2 which made us say enough was enough. Last year DH and I with the two DS' had a fabulous pyjama day of chocolates and toys and the wii dance party. We are never going back to the bloody M6/M61/A1 whatever bloody motorway route to whatever parent it was!!

Visiting for a few days before hand is a good compromise, we do that now too.

Have a wonderful day

Just read the whole thread. I'm so happy that you are getting a nice relaxing Christmas.

I wish we could have a fmaily pyjama day Martha. We are obligated to host DM and MIL every year.

TBH lemon we would be happy to have DM and DMIL, and we have told them that, but of course they couldnt possibly make the journey even-though we made the journey every year with kids in tow on christmas day shock horror.

It took us 10 years to get to this point though. Could you 'tone down' the mood of the day perhaps? Maybe suggest they come over but you all chill out and watch tv/play with toys/get party food from Sainsbo's?

Believe me, i know what a struggle it is to break with tradition!

I'm actually happy to host people for the day. The problem is my DM has to stay with us as she lives too far to travel for the day. DMIL comes for the day. DM staying is the part I struggle with most. She stays plenty of other times during the year, but Christmas is too stressful. It feels like we are just on top of each other all of the time, our house isn't big enough for people to take themselves off somewhere.

DH has holiday around Christmas this year, and no longer has the stress and exhaustion of running his own business, so hopefully he will be less cranky and that will make things a bit easier.

I hear you lemon I really do