I'm very close friends with an older man. Opinions on this?

[thistruffle]

Over the last year, I have developed a very close friendship with a man who is 54. I'm 29. We met at work.

He is married and has three kids. He is very dedicated to his family life. I have been single for a while but go on many dates, almost every weekend.. still hopeful to meet the one!

Me and this man talk a lot. We text almost everyday. We don't speak on the phone but will sometimes meet for lunch and we never see each other at weekends or in the evening. Sometimes sex comes into the conversation, but only like it would in any other friendship with a man... ie if there's an obvious pun. Never about me and him. It's a purely platonic relationship which started as we have almost identical sense of humour.

I've never asked this man if his wife knows we speak so much, but he mentions her to me now and again...what she's up to at work and things like that. This man has also met my parents when they were in town one lunchtime. My parents know we are close but don't know we speak as much as we do.

I am asking this question because I know it is not a common thing and not because I have a guilty conscience - I personally dont think there is anything wrong with it, but that is because I am part of it, I suppose!

Do people think this is genuine/ok/etc? I just wonder if anyone has had any experience of this? I genuinely feel like this man is so kind and supportive towards me, and I feel I offer the same to him ...like any friendship. It's based fundamentally on our shared sense of humour.

OP If you're happy with the friendship and it's entirely innocent then I don't understand why you are seeking validation?

If you're not going to look for more in the friendship then I don't think it's a problem. Obviously if he changed and acted in a way you were not comfortable with I hope you wouldn't feel obliged to struggle on with the friendship.
I'm surprised you haven't met his wife at all. My older male friends i have through my hobby, we hobby together and socialise with partners though.

Strangely in my early 50s I have no young male friends who text me everyday and take me out to lunch - wonder why that is...

Seriously mid life male fixated on socialising with younger woman (not mentoring/coaching).... Ego trip for him, makes him feel young, sexual fantasy material for later...back home with his menopausal wife who I'm sure is fine with her husband's new little friend!!

Meg some of us menopausal women are still young and gorgeous and vibrant too

Mmmmm there has only been one post from the OP

Always - agreed and I'm sure you are..but also v.busy, time pressured, not hanging on every word of your OH?

Meg you are right in that OP is giving this man her undivided attention and looking up to him, things he may not be getting at home. That is fertile ground for an affair. I think that if the OPs friends wife knew she would not be happy. Equally perhaps there is something missing in their marriage that he gets from this young woman, which the husband and wife need to address.

The OP was asking for our approval and we do didn't give it to her that's why she hasn't come back. Hopefully she's come to her senses.

One of my friends is male, happily married and 35 years older than me. Our friendship spans 22 years. Neither one of us is remotely interested in jumping into bed with the other, although at the start of the relationship it flattered his ego to be out and about with a woman young enough to be his daughter (something he admitted to much later), but that's well and truly in the past now.

The relationship is slightly different form my female relationships because both of us need to consider the effect our partners, but there are no trust issues in either relationship and neither of our partners have a problem with the friendship. These days we meet for coffee or a pint in the daytime only. We would not have intimate dinners out, and if we went for evenings out, it would be with our partners in tow or at group events.

I am firmly of the opinion that it is perfectly possible for men and women to have purely platonic friendships and I find it very narrow minded and sad that so many people cannot accept this. However, at the same time, opposite-sex relationships do IMO require more careful management and self-awareness from both parties in the early days. It is not uncommon for one or both to be lying about their intentions, nor is it uncommon for boundaries to be crossed even when there was no intention of that at the beginning. Anything that feels wrong needs to be addressed straight away and boundaries need to be very clearly marked and maintained.

The age gap is not the issue. You maybe think it it because you think it makes you 'safe' from there being any sexual undercurrent.

But even if you don't fancy him, I would be very surprised if he does not fancy you.

If you were happy to meet his wife, and of her were happy for you to meet her, then fine. Do you think this is the case?

On the face of it, this sounds like a lovely friendship on your side, but I am not sure his wife would see it that way, and I am not sure whether it is drifting into the territory of an Emotional Affair

Fair enough Pounding but as he has admitted to you, in the early years he was flattered and it could have easily crossed the line. The OP has not been back at all to answer questions as to whether or not the wife is aware of their close friendship

About the age gap:

It's potentially what's attractive to both of you about the other - not a deterrent.

I'm a middle aged woman with a middle-aged husband. He's lovely, supportive with a GSOH and I can see a 29 year old woman being attracted to him - I'm 29 inside myself!

And from his side - you have a sense of humour in common, you're young, intelligent and unencumbered with the drear of daily life.

I am friends with an older man. I've met his wife and I don't think he has met my husband
We go for coffee etc, we just get on
Not sure why anything would be wrong men and women can be friends without needing to have sex with one another

I'm sure part of what motivates him to be so friendly with you is your youth. Ah, I see, he has admitted to being flattered by your attention.

54 year old men aren't motivated to text / contact or generally cultivate communicate excessively with unattractive women.......

Also, if his wife finds out, she'll feel a bit shit won't she and she'll have to wonder what to do. If I had a husband and he was making an eejit of himself like that, I'd lose respect for him. It would damage the marriage even if there hadn't been any physical contact, just because I would have gone off him. That can't be repaired. And that's if she's strong with a good self-esteem. equally as likely she'd just be very hurt.

I would stop communicating with this old guy, it's very safe for you , force yourself to get out there and meet people your own age who are single.

I think you have to be aware of what effect this might have on your standing at work.

Twice the OP states that their relationship is based on "a shared sense of humour" though they do talk about sex and sometimes he mentions his wife. That he has met her parents but they don't know how much the two of them speak. The Op admits, she and this man talk a lot and text almost everyday. There is nothing wrong with a married man and a woman being friends. There is something to be concerned about when that "friendship" becomes obsessive. To me, it sounds like the two of them have become too intimate and are relying too much on each other for validation. The Op says, "she goes on many dates, almost every weekend." Yet is seems she is very invested in her friendship with MM. If she ever comes back and reveals exactly how much they text, it would be easy to determine if their relationship has crossed boundaries.

Lots of young women on here with older men friends, where there is no sexual attraction on either side.

How can they possible know that?

Lots of young women on here with older men friends, where there is no sexual attraction on either side.

How can they possible know that?

Same way any of us know anything - or nothing at all. No one knows what goes on in any other person's head, be that your sister, brother, husband, wife, friend, colleague, whatever. Hell, some of us are pretty good at not knowing what goes on in our own heads! What we do is analyse people's behaviour over time and learn to see patterns and giveaways and build up assumptions on that. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong. But it's no more fallacious to think there is no sexual attraction in a male/female friendship than it is to make any assumption about any other kind of relationship.

What I find highly damaging about the assumption that men and women can't be friends is that it really encourages women to internalise the belief that the only interest they can hold for men is as a potential sexual interest. I think I'm worth more than that and men (and other women) can and do find me interesting not for what I may be between the sheets but for who I am.

Of course male female friendships happen but it is important that his wife is aware. If he and op are such good friends why has she never asked him if his wife knows about their daily texting and lunches.

I also feel joking about sexual puns is inappropriate with a women young enough to be his daughters age.

Have to say despite you saying its platonic etc if i were his wife i would not be happy. I think thats the POV you need to come from. If you were in a relationship ask yourself how you would feel if your partner was sending daily texts/having lunch with someone much younger that you didn't know or weren't aware of?

Regardless of your intentions - or even his - texting someone every single day, going for lunches, suggests a close relationship and if i were his wife id want to be introduced to you or know why he felt the need to be in constant contact like that. I think you are setting yourself up to be seen as having an affair by putting yourself in this position - even if you arent!
If you knew and were also friendly with his wife it would be a different story, but personally from my POV i would step back. Friendly in work is one thing, but daily texts outside of work, possibly without the knowledge of his wife, suggests another.

I have a male friend but there's no 'hiding behind' a massive age gap, or his being married or my being married. There is no reason for us not to sleep together and we still don't. I'd have my suspicions about a friendship where one party feels safe because the other is so much older and the older party is so flattered by the attention of a younger friend. It's the attention of a younger person that is flattering him. Not that somebody wants to be his friend.

I was and always have been friends with mine. Now I think about it the majority of my friends have always been male. When in a relationship with my ex, we were going through a rough patch and a male (older) colleague was there to listen. We overstepped the boundaries with flirty conversation via email. One evening my ex hacked into my PC and found the conversations. I was confronted, severely apologised - a moment of feeling neglected as the ex worked 24/7 and was told by the ex to have some boundaries. I stuck to this for a few years, having few friends and being very careful who I spoke to about anything. I met up with the old colleague a few years later, my ex believed something happened then and it didn't. The guy was at least 25 years older and I dearly loved the ex. From that point on I was monitored, GPS on phone, phoned daily to see where I was etc etc. I was told I was bipolar and that I had to see a counsellor (had to be female otherwise I would shag them).

So after a years worth of enforced counselling to sort out my "bipolar" disorder I became a stronger person. I was already fully aware of boundaries (we won't go into the ex's lack of boundaries here). I forged new friendships with mostly females, sometimes texting in the night as my ex worked and I needed company. The ex was aware of these and didn't really like them.

Cutting to the chase...we all need friendships of varying degrees outside our that with our DP/DH. He left me and had I adhered to his wishes i.e. no friendships I would have been left very much alone. Just be careful of those boundaries and when someone oversteps the mark do not be afraid to tell them.

I waffled..oops.

Correction: mine should have said men. I was obviously in ranty mode.

I've got a friend like this. We met at work. I was 24, he was 49. We had a little gang of 3 girls, 24-30ish and him. We were friends for about four or five years. Then my husband joined the school and he came into the gang too- he wasn't my husband then, I mean he came, joined and then we got together! All been friends for years now and his wife was a bit WTF at first I think (his two daughters are about our age!) but once she met us and got involved she became our friend too. All been to each other's weddings, birthday parties and stuff over the years. Nothing remotely sexual. I would get the wife involved- if he's happy to then I'd say it's legit. If he isn't then you know he's carrying a torch.