I'm very close friends with an older man. Opinions on this?

[thistruffle]

Over the last year, I have developed a very close friendship with a man who is 54. I'm 29. We met at work.

He is married and has three kids. He is very dedicated to his family life. I have been single for a while but go on many dates, almost every weekend.. still hopeful to meet the one!

Me and this man talk a lot. We text almost everyday. We don't speak on the phone but will sometimes meet for lunch and we never see each other at weekends or in the evening. Sometimes sex comes into the conversation, but only like it would in any other friendship with a man... ie if there's an obvious pun. Never about me and him. It's a purely platonic relationship which started as we have almost identical sense of humour.

I've never asked this man if his wife knows we speak so much, but he mentions her to me now and again...what she's up to at work and things like that. This man has also met my parents when they were in town one lunchtime. My parents know we are close but don't know we speak as much as we do.

I am asking this question because I know it is not a common thing and not because I have a guilty conscience - I personally dont think there is anything wrong with it, but that is because I am part of it, I suppose!

Do people think this is genuine/ok/etc? I just wonder if anyone has had any experience of this? I genuinely feel like this man is so kind and supportive towards me, and I feel I offer the same to him ...like any friendship. It's based fundamentally on our shared sense of humour.

I worked with two people who had an identical kind of connection to the one you've described. For years I thought how sweet...lo and behold last year I overheard them drunk at a works do arranging a hotel room. Imo these things always end up a bit mucky.

Do you want him?

I think the fact that you are posting here, asking if your friendship is acceptable, says that you know it truly isn't. Sounds like an emotional affair.

It's hard to say OP.

I have a few close male friends (since we were teenagers) and haven't slept with any of them, nor have I ever wanted to. I have made friends with men at work, but never to the point of texting all the time.

A (very beautiful) friend of mine was friends with a senior manager at work. She was convinced it was platonic and as I have male platonic friends I took it as that also. She used to complain to me about how ridiculous or was narrow minded people thought they were having an affair, why couldn't people see they were just friends and that there's nothing wrong with that?

Then one day he propositioned her. He has it all worked out, he was going to but her s flat, she could live in it and be his mistress

She told him where to go, but was gutted she'd misread the situation and angry with him for not knowing how to be a friend.

I think what i'm saying is even if it's a friendship to you, it may be something else to him.

Why do you text so often? Do you text your other friends as much?

Would his wife be ok with your texts if she read them?

Why not ask if his wife knows you text so much?

I don't see a problem with it, My best friend (other than my DP) is female (I'm male) but we don't work together I also have female friends at work but we aren't particularly close as friends outside of work.
As long as he isn't keeping you a secret and it's just a platonic friendship with boundaries I don't think it's a problem.

I've had a friendship with an 'older man' for 25 years. He took me under his wing when I started working with him and its continued from there. His family are like family to me, as are mine to him. I've also got older women that I get on with very well. It's very sad that sone people are so narrow minded that they don't think this is possible without there being an ulterior motive. And frankly this says more about them than anybody else.

What do you text about?

I wouldn't be adding the partners of opposite sex friends on Facebook though.

You know very well that you're straying into slightly dodgy territory, that's why you're posting.

Same age gap as my parents.

The problem I have isn't the friendship but the texting everyday. My H has loads of female friends. He even stays overnight with one on a weekly basis. But he is not sending daily texts. OP's friend has a wife, three kids, job, house and still has time to text her daily? Not on.

I had a close friendship with an older man at work. We are now married (he was single to begin with though). Be careful.

Do you fancy him sexually?

I was wondering if anyone else had ever had this with someone with such a big age gap.

What is the this you are referring to? A friendship? If yes why would an age gap even be a thing? Friends are not generally thought of in terms of age gaps.

Relationships or potential relationships, well that's a whole other thing isn't it?

tigger am not being narrow minded.

Something isn't right and this level of interaction / dependency is unhealthy. This is a work colleague. Not a personal friend, or family or a lover.

I have mentors. Male mentors I trust and who understand me. They don't need to text and speak to me every day though.

Coming back to your question about the age gap, I am mid 30's and I have a male friend who is 60 and another who is mid 50's. They are completely platonic friendships and although I know their partners, my friendship is with them. My friend who is 60 has a child of similar age to mine and that was the reason that we first connected, since then we meet with the kids but also by ourselves for a coffee and a catchup, we meet up with the kids and do activities together as well.

I have no issue with the friendship or feel that there is anything inappropriate about it, there are no sexual feelings for my pet and I don't believe he feels anything sexual towards me. I'm also pretty sure that his wife is aware of the contact we have and any texting and phone calls that go on.

Like wise my friend in his 50's stops by our house or we message each other if we are in town and will meet up for a coffee, if he stops by the house I inevitably end up feeding him as he always seems to appear at feeding time. We keep in touch by phone and Facebook, both our partners know that we meet up in their absence.

So as long as you feel that the friendship is appropriate and are confident that he also feels the same then I see no issue.

If however you start to feel different or sense that he feels differently then you need to do something.

What would you feel if you were his wife and read all your messages? If they are sufficiently innocent that you wouldn't be upset, that's one thing. If you would feel bad reading them, were you his wife, that's another. If anything is ever said or done that you wouldn't say or do with his wife there, then IMO you are both crossing a dangerous line.

Tigger, your scenario is different in that "his family is my family". OP has never met his family. They are all kept compartmentalized. For some reason.

OP seriously, it sounds like he's thinking about getting into your knickers. You're his little secret.

I'm 39, one of my best friends is male and 65ish.i love him to bits and he's ACE.

However, I know his wife as well, she knows me, we've spent evenings and weekends together, with my DP too.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable any other way tbh. Even though there is absolutely no sexual interest on either side.

OP you have only posted once and there are a lot of responses and questions.

I was wondering if anyone else had ever had this with someone with such a big age gap.

Not quite the same gap but I am very close friends with someone I met when I was 30 and he was about 50 (maybe more actually). He was also my boss initially. We became friends after the work relationship changed. We have very similar sense of humour/interest in books/writing etc. We would sometimes have emailed a few times a day - usually about things we both found amusing. We meet for coffee and lunch, never anything else.

I don't particularly find him attractive but am aware that if we were the same age and I met him as a young man, I would have been interested - I presume he would feel the same. We both took care never to cross any line whatsoever even in conversation. Like Lila, I also became friendly with his wife and often meet her on her own and as 2 couples we also started socialising but he is definitely more my friend than his wife is. Everyone is fine with it but like I say, we've taken more care than I would with female friends.

STOP! and STOP! it now!

It will drag onto an affair then the wife will find out and more grief and harm will ensure. Think of the poor OW and the children who will be involved in the sorry mess it will cause.

Yes of course your 54 Y/O will like the attentions and closeness of a younger woman and yes, I'd bet he'd like to shag you but it will not be worth the long term grief that will ensue if you let it go on and I'd damn well hope that he might see some sense too!

Stop it now before it goes too far and find someone of your own age who's free and single!

I think the age gap is a good thing. There would more likely be a problem if you were close in age and the kind of people who would probably date if you were both single. If he is happily married and you have no romantic interest in him then why shouldn't you be mates. I think you are right to have some boundaries in place about what you discuss to stop you getting too close but i find some people's idea that men and women can't be friends without sexual attraction getting in the way bizarre.

Is he completely open with his wife.

If I discovered my DH was secretly meeting someone of whatever age or sex for lunch on a regular basis I would be pretty pissed off, and probably suspicious.

And texting every day - not so much but if I found him hiding his phone that would not be on. I would be suspicious and he would need to convince me it was nothing.

Is it worth it?

One of my oldest friends is male - I met him long before he got married and have made a point of making friends with his wife too.

There is nothing wrong with texting this friend daily but I would say that you should think about what his wife would feel if she knew...if he really is a good friend, you should meet her too, sooner rather than later, so there is no 'secret' to your friendship.