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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At the end of tether with DH

30 replies

Bjornstar · 23/11/2015 12:36

Hi all

We have been working on our relationship for some time now and it is beginning to slip again. Dh was away (work related) on Thursday and Friday night. Then we met him in town for shopping and cinema. All good.

The minute we get home on the Saturday he is tidying up and banging around and criticising me for something small.

On the Sunday, he is complaining about the cat and being in a bad mood. I offered to make him some brekkie and he said no thanks in a cool tone. He then criticised me for the way I opened a drawer at the edge-said it should be in the middle. Horrible atmosphere in the house - DS is pretending he has hot hands to 'hurt daddy' with (being protective of me) which totally should not be happening. Ds had a party to go to which I invited dh to join which he agreed to. He went to go in shower and I shouted up the stairs to let him know the time we had to be there. He shouted back down, 'I'm not fitting in with your social life!!!' It isn't my social life, I said - it is ds party!! DH decided not come with us in the end. I asked him I should take his car or if I should move it and he said he didn't care.

When I returned home I spent the rest of the day feeling hated. Going to have a chat with dh tonight to tell him we just can't live together - it isn't working. On the example I have provided today, is this a fair reason to call it a day.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/11/2015 12:40

Of course it is.
This is the tip of the iceberg and you know you are doing the right thing.
It sounds like a miserable existence.
You get one shot and you should not be putting in this environment.

Have you thought about the practicalities?
Is it rented or mortgaged?
Do you both work?
Who would move out, etc...?

Well done for realising this is NOT OK.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/11/2015 12:40

Should not be putting 'your son' in this environment!
Sorry

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 12:41

Yes. You don't need an excuse. You don't need a reason for other people to understand.

If you have reached the end of your tether with your relationship you can leave it.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do next.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 23/11/2015 12:43

You don't need anyone to tell you it's ok to split. And you don't need any particular reason that is big enough to justify it.

You're unhappy, and by the sounds of it, living in a very difficult environment which is now affecting your kids. Absolutely right to do something about it!

For what it's worth, all the very obvious banging around, criticising, complaining, backing out of arrangements is an awful thing to have to sit experience. It will be a horrible atmosphere for you and DS to have to put up with. I've been there, and I wouldn't recommend to anyone in continuing to put up with it.

But only you can make the deicsion about what to do with it. And asking him to leave and having some space seems like sensible idea to me!

Costacoffeeplease · 23/11/2015 12:44

Gosh, that sounds miserable, you need to get out for you and your son. What an arse he is

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2015 12:47

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

More than a fair reason to call it a day actually. Is this what you want to teach your son about relationships, to show that yes this is how a man treats a woman in a relationship. Your son is already all too aware of what is happening and his home is not the sanctuary it should be at all.

Your son and you would be far better off without this individual in your day to day lives. You are both being dragged down with him currently; he is acting only with his own self interest in mind. I doubt very much if talking to him would make a hill of beans difference at all; he feels entitled to act and he does and he does this too because he can.

I would also seek legal advice asap; many people just put off the inevitable until January. That is also why that month is one of the Solicitors busiest.

OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 12:50

OP, you do not need to leave for the sake of your son! That is unconscionable pressure to put on a parent.

If you feel the relationship is not working then you can leave, whenever you want to. But please don't let anyone guilt you in to leaving or staying. You have no reason whatsoever to have that emotion foisted upon you.

I hate reading that, as though a mother must be responsible for how a father is acting - YOU DO NOT!

I am not sure I have managed to word that correctly, but please, Bjornstar, don't internalise that guilt!

Original poster
Bjornstar · 23/11/2015 13:34

Thank you all for your replies. It is just so sad, we get on well when we are on the phone or out on a night out. When we are at home it all goes wrong, dh can't bear being there and is often remarking how he 'can't do this!!!!!!'

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/11/2015 13:39

He's a shit. That's the problem. He's determined to be sulky and difficult and selfish. However, when you tell him the marriage is over, he will almost certainly become even more tiresome - his behaviour is all about putting you in your place and making sure you obey him and put him first. So you will need all the legal info and a plan of action before you tell him to go.
Good luck.

Original poster
Bjornstar · 23/11/2015 13:40

It will be ds and I moving out. He will not budge from his house.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 23/11/2015 13:42

Well, use his working away to your best advantage. Good luck.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/11/2015 13:43

So he want a girlfriend and not a family.

Well tough he now got a family.

Original poster
Bjornstar · 23/11/2015 13:45

Yes he struggles being in a family environment and feels trapped. He thinks we are messy - you would throttle him if you saw how tidy our house is, but he says he is fed up of clearing up after me!

OP posts:
DiscoDiva70 · 23/11/2015 13:47

In my experience, once a relationship starts to go downhill it never really recovers, so yes it's best to go your seperate ways. Seek legal advice ( free half hour sessions even) and in the meantime keep all your important documents safely away from your H.

Lozza1990 · 23/11/2015 13:53

On that example alone I would say yes, that's just ridiculous you can't go on living like that. Even if you are going to still continue to work on it I think you should seperate.

Hillfarmer · 23/11/2015 13:54

Well done for realising this is NOT OK

Hi OP,

I had your life five years ago. I understand where you are and I can't tell you how good it is (doesn't feel good, I know) that you recognise that his awful behaviour is unacceptable and reason enough to end the relationship.

I spent month-into-years 'feeling hated'. Our dcs were young and he made our home miserable in all the ways you describe. He makes everything your fault and then proceeds to make life horrible for everyone in this house. No no no.

By the way, if you are married then it is not just 'his' house. It belongs to both of you, whoever bought it first or whoever is on the deeds. If it is just his name on the deeds, then register an interest in the house with Land Registry ASAP.

And I agree with SGB, don't expect him to be even less of an arse after you split. Expect him to be even more of a shit when you make it abundantly clear that refuse to be treated like this. Lawyer up, have a good look at your finances and think about what needs to happen for him to move out.

firesidechat · 23/11/2015 13:54

Do you really have to leave? If you are married and have a child together I would think twice about leaving the family home, which is what it is, not his house. You have rights to a roof over your head, although I understand that getting away from him must be very tempting.

Lozza1990 · 23/11/2015 13:55

Also, your comment about how he won't budge from 'his' house just says it all really. I would take on board discodiva's advice and not trust him with anything.

Marilynsbigsister · 23/11/2015 14:06

You refer to him as your DH , so I am hoping you are married OP. If this is the case then it isn't 'his house' but your joint house. Doesn't automatically make life easier as he also has the right to stay and cannot be forced out until a divorce has been completed.. But gives you some more rights financially than you seem to think you are entitled to...

Inertia · 23/11/2015 14:16

It's not his house, it's the family home.

Twinklestein · 23/11/2015 14:46

No don't move out. It's your son's home as well.

DH should be the one to go if he can't hack family life.

That's not your son's fault. Why should he be uprooted because an adult male made a choice that he decided didn't suit him?

Whythehellnot · 23/11/2015 14:56

Do not move out. Especially as your dh works away. He doesn't like living with you both, he moves out.

BaronessSamedi · 23/11/2015 15:16

yeah - bin the fucker.
do not move out though. do not.
i think its time to seek legal assistance.

Original poster
Bjornstar · 23/11/2015 15:38

I do sometimes think I am a being sensitive because we get on well and there is a nice atmosphere at times. It is just the weekends. Bearing in mind he was away thurs and fri you would think he would be itching to be relaxing at home. But no, he is frustrated by me or the pet.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 23/11/2015 15:39

Yes, get your legal advice sorted. This man will probably say that you should leave, but the law won't agree with him and it may be that he can be compelled to move out.