Hysterical Bonding

[janaus]

(I am guessing this will be a longish post, but battery nearly gone, so it might be in 2 parts. Need to get it off my chest before I 'forget' )

I have had a weekend alone, DH gone on a long planned golf trip.

After 8 weeks in separate rooms. Very little contact except basic day to day stuff. I decided try to make it work.
He organised a nice weekend away. Well it was really a family reunion, celebrating the life of Descendant who was a convict who was transported to Australia, turned his life around, and became quite well to do, a respected member of the community.
I told DH that despite 24 years of research, I did not want to go. Did not want to face his family feeling like this and pretending.
He booked anyway, flight and accom for my birthday. We actually had a great time. I think the distraction of the occasion and meeting family members was a distraction. Wasn't just about "us"

My effort was romantic picnic.

Well, basically I HATE sex. Guess one of the reasons I got blamed.

Since all this, I have become obsessed. Sex, sex, and more sex.
Go shopping first place I head to is underwear section, buy some nice knickers and nighty.
Going online, looking at sex shopping online. Don't think I can go that far.
I feel like it is "honeymoon" stage.

Well, weekend away I have also done a lot of reading .. Came across Hysterical Bonding.

That's not hysterical bonding though, eg your dh has had an affair then wants to stay with you.

That does sound like hysterical bonding: ChumpLady describes it as "the pick me dance done naked".

About your sex drive: have you always hated sex? Do you only hate sex with him (prior to the current situation)? Would you like to have sex with other people? How often do you have sex, how often do you want it?

If you sex drive is and has always been very low, and you don't want to investigate increasing it, honestly I'd let your H go.

Have you always hated sex?
Only hate sex with him?
You need to explore that - with a counsellor? Away from him.

I'm a bit that in the period when he should be begging your forgiveness, he's over ruling you about family reunion. It would be a big thing to miss, but he's done a big thing cheating on you. That you subsequently enjoyed it doesn't take away the fact that he over ruled you.

Can I give you a single piece of advice? Don't look at your current situation as "I've decided to stay" but as "I'm prepared to consider not leaving". I suspect he thinks he's home and fucking dry.
If (if if if) you have an issue with sex than requires a psychosexual counsellor then maybe you do need to do some work for this too. I suspect you're just with the wrong man though. But otherwise - it's not you that should be planning romantic picnics and buying sexy underwear.

Am I missing something? Where does it say DH cheated?

I didn't realise it wasn't explicit in OP - but I think that spare room for 8 weeks and deciding to give it a go comment are pretty indicative. OP has posed a lot recently about discovering that he cheated - so it stuck in my mind - to such an extent that I didn't clock it wasn't explicitly stated. I don't think I've outed OP - the post is clearly about a cheating husband.

OW, is a Chinese OW. One of my MANY thoughts. ... (Not racist, I like meeting people from other countries, in normal circumstances) .. If he had to fuck someone, why did he choose to fuck a Chinese OW.

One of the bonuses of him being away, I found a prescription of Viagra tucked away in his car. Dated December last year. One prescription still left. I have left it there, and will keep an eye on it from time to time.
Coincidence? Phone calls to Chinese OW, began in December finished in July/August.

Conveniently, Chinese OW lives just around the corner from us.
I often do drive bys. At the time of discovery, I asked him if Chinese OW had a husband. He did not answer. Just gave me a look. I assumed she was single. Latest drive by at the weekend I see a Chinese man inside the gates, opening it to allow a visitor to come in.
Now, I am composing text messages in my mind to her ... Does your husband know that you slept with my husband. Better get texted for STI' like I had to.

I did exaggerate my test results to DH. It showed I had Cold Sore Virus present, no big deal, many people have that, and lives in the body for years.
I kind of let DH believe it was herpes virus.

I don't understand why you keep emphasising her race. Also, remember it is him who betrayed you.

Don't have sex just because you think it will keep him. As a pp said, he thinks he's home and dry.

I have no idea how that comment about his OW being Chinese is not racist, tbh?

The reason you have stuck in my mind Janaus and I knew you had a cheating ex, is your previous threads that I've seen have been all "no comments on me deciding to stay please" when you are clearly desperately unhappy and he is giving you NOTHING back to make this work.

If you are secretly checking prescriptions and storing it up to check in future, and doing drive bys you are NOWHERE NEAR ready to be trying to make it work with this man. You need to do your raging. And he needs to disclose so much that you have half a hope of believing that he wants to make it work too.

I think the ONLY way a couple can make it work after an affair, is if the cheated on party really believes the cheater is remorseful and trying.

Of course you're going to be angry. I'm not blaming you for setting the traps and driving to her house.

But you should NOT be moving onto the rebuilding a relationship with picnics and sex toys stage, until you believe everything he has said about the affair.

I honestly think you should kick him out and do no more than counselling with him, if that.

Do you feel able to answer about whether your dislike of sex is just with him / has always been with him? You don't have to post here, but I so think you should explore it.

Are you even going to counselling, in between the romantic picnics and OW stalking?

What does her being Chinese have to with anything?

why the bloody hell are you staying with him From your previous thread he cheated and you are making all the effort to cling onto him while he does bugger all to make amends. A picnic isn't going to fix anything. Nor is stalking her or her husband are rifling through his viagra.

Is reading about hysterical bonding helping you to see that your need to stay might be based on fucked up thinking?

A good post I read at weekend. " 2 in the bed 3 in the head "

Another thing I found out this weekend. Seems he has been splashing cash around to our grown up married children. My daughter said to me .. Did you know that Dad gave us $2,ooo said it is to help with garden for their newly built house. Noooooo, I did not know. He gave money to other family to buy a trampoline.
Guilt money? Or because when I found out and he kept denying it, I told him I would tell the grown up children, and they would hate him.

Sorry about description of OW. I know I would be just as angry and hurt if she was Australian, English or Italian etc.

I think I realise now I do need counselling.

Sex life hasn't been great for long time. Hhis idea of action is flicking elastic on undies. If anything happens rolls over straight to sleep.
Not much action, maybe Erectile dysfunction but refuses to see doctor about it. Well apparently not for other people.

I just thought it was another stage in our lives, being older.

As you can tell, I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to, this is why I post so much. Thanks for support.

Well, I'm actually really pleased to hear that it sounds like the sex was shit because he was a lazy git and was doing nothing for you - not just physically I bet.

Cos that means you're only a short time away from having good sex again! Yay!!!!!!!

Keep this loser into touch so you can get yourself straight - and then maybe add the icing to the cake later with some good sex.

Seriously - this arsehole is worth making a picnic for? I think not.

OMG why do you hate sex? How odd. I love it. It keeps me alive! Sorry, but if you have this attitude it will drive your DH to cheat. Not many (normal) people can go without, so if you've been withholding sex and intimacy from your DH, this is what you get.

Oh fuck off and actually read the OP's posts ILiveWithMyHeadUpMyArse

She dislikes sex with this selfish limp dicked cheating arse of a no technique husband.

And no, not having sex doesn't drive decent people to cheat.
Not having sex drives them to frustration and confusion and upset, perhaps. And they raise that with you. Support you through it. Mend their ways if they're part or all of the problem. And if it can't be resolved and it's a dealbreaker (understandable) then they leave.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO BLAME YOUR PARTNER FOR YOUR CHEATING.

BTW, hubby is my one and only partner. Very young and shy. Didn't know any different. Now in 50's and still don't know any different.

I dont want this to become a fight amongst posters. We all have different opinions. I am taking them all in. All are relevant in different ways.

I just wish, that I knew if it was such a problem, he could have said something, not let me go on thinking, that was just the way our life is.
Counselling might have saved some of this hurt.

I think there are other problems too, such as his secretiveness with the cash.

His betrayal has caused me to do things I would not normally do, sneak around to find his prescription, make random phone calls after checking phone bill.

Wtaf Iliveatthebeach. Are you for fucking real. You would come on a thread where the op is obviously hurting and say that load of fucking bollocks. Shitting hell what's wrong with you. No you don't cheat if your not getting sex. If your unhappy you leave the relationship not fucking cheat.
Fucks sake what a load of bullshit.

Gosh, if he is your only partner ever I'm not surprised you hate sex.

He sounds like a very dull and selfish lover.

Ditch him, get a horny toyboy and learn what good sex is supposed to be like ( only half joking)

I'm guessing this hysterical bonding are going through has much more to do with all your subconscious desires for a good shag coming to the fore.

I'd cheerfully make a picnic out of him. He'd be diced, sliced, and served up in a multitude of ways that wouldn't be to his liking.

As for the OW, oriental women have long been famed for their ability to please men in and out of the sack. Indeed, Wallis Simpson was reputed to have learned how to enthrall a king a few tricks in a Shanghai brothel and it wouldn't be surprising if you've taken to wondering whether the OW was able to encourage your h to reach heights he's never attained with you, so to speak.

Irrespective of race, these are thoughts which can beset any woman who's been cheated on and asking your lying deceitful duplicitous h for comparative marks for performance are unlikely to produce the truth, which is that once a selfish dick always a selfish dick and any limb stretching athletics he got up to are likely to have quickly degenerated into wham, bam, and omitting to thank you ma'am because, as is his custom, he rolled over and went to sleep as soon as the deed was done.

The longer you keep his philandering to yourself the worse it will be as you'll become even more obsesssed by drive bys and viagra counting. Do you have any rl friends you can offload to? If not, counselling may prove to be your salvation as it will enable you to explore why you hate sex and why you are now thinking of little else. Unless you are able to delve in, around, and under, these thoughts the chances are you'll be ripe for the plucking (no pun intended) if your path should cross with that of a more sexually adept male.

I know the lack of sex is the reason he chose to cheat. Probably has in the past, but i am beyond that. Its the here and now. We will both have to work harder if we want to stay together. I am looking to the future.
While he was away, texting only, his texts ended in "Love ya". Never had that before.

I was married at 19, 59 now.

why are you staying with him?

If he wanted sex, he could have split up with you and you both could have found better partners.

Instead he chose to lie to you, make no effort to go to counselling or be better at sex. He just sneaked off and fucked someone else.

How is he working harder at staying together.

Is that inspirational post a sign that you realise he doesn't give you those things and so it hasn't been a real marriage for a long time? Or do you just like the last bit about faith?