My marriage is maybe a 6/10 -- should I end it?

[All0vertheplace]

Hi folks. New to this.

Married for 17 years, 2 kids (7 & 12). For the last few years things have felt kind of...empty between us. We've actually discussed divorce, but decided instead to go to Relate. (Mindful of the terrible impact divorce would have on our lives, our children, our finances etc.) The sessions have enabled us to air a lot of stuff that we have a hard time talking about when it's just the two of us. Some weeks I leave the session feeling like the relationship can be saved and is worth saving. Other weeks I feel that the best thing to do is to end it.

We kind of avoid each other at home, we have separate hobbies, different interests, different personalities. If he goes out I am glad to have the house to myself -- not really sure I miss him very much. Something about the way we communicate...our interactions are just very quick and short, a few sentences each. Not arguments exactly...more like tiptoeing. I sometimes hear people say 'Oh my DH is my best friend, I can tell him anything, some nights we talk for hours!' and I just don't feel that way. Or I see people look at each other with such love, such affection, and I feel a pang of wishing I had that. (Our sex life has been pretty sporadic lately). Or I meet new people and there's this refreshing sense of coming alive, of feeling myself open up. (Not sexually, just sort of feeling relaxed, more like myself.)

We've been good together in the past, we've been through a lot together and we are both committed to our kids. He's a great father -- really great. Possible he likes me more than I like him. Feels horrible to say.

I feel like I am in a marriage that is maybe a 6/10 and I worry about the wisdom of chucking it away in the hope of finding a:10 (or even an 8). Is there anyone out there who has done this? Any words of wisdom/advice would be welcome.

How are you doing, Kiddiewinks?

Just checking in OP...how are you?

I dont think there is any reason to leave .Having married for such a long time I think we start missing the spark in the marriage .Its obvious.It sounds to be that you both are non expressive people thus the short sentence converation.Its absolutely ok to have different interests and personalities .I think if your hubby is great father you should not leave .
The Solution lies in finding out refeshment in the marriage which is may be you go on a vacation all alone , try make some new friends, give your life a new direction .
gg

Thanks for asking, Mistress, and to gg for the post above. I am okay, but still quite confused and anxious. Things btw me and DH are steady but still distant. Really conscious of needing to make more of an effort. Just wish I had more certainty that it would be effort worth making, and that it would be reciprocated.

Feeling kind of down about it today. Another spiky exchange last night -- a conversation about a work problem (a conversation that ideally might have helped the situation and made it easier) flared up very quickly and we both shut down for the night. It's so exasperating. Talking through a problem should make it better, right?

I recently heard someone on the radio talking about a relationship in which they realised that they would rather talk to any given stranger than with their partner. I did identify with that. A nice stranger, someone with whom there was no baggage, no history, no lurking patterns or resentments.

Urgh. Saw something on Facebook today -- a photo of a hand squeezing some barbed wire, with the text 'Don't hold onto a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.' Almost made me cry.