My marriage is maybe a 6/10 -- should I end it?

[All0vertheplace]

Hi folks. New to this.

Married for 17 years, 2 kids (7 & 12). For the last few years things have felt kind of...empty between us. We've actually discussed divorce, but decided instead to go to Relate. (Mindful of the terrible impact divorce would have on our lives, our children, our finances etc.) The sessions have enabled us to air a lot of stuff that we have a hard time talking about when it's just the two of us. Some weeks I leave the session feeling like the relationship can be saved and is worth saving. Other weeks I feel that the best thing to do is to end it.

We kind of avoid each other at home, we have separate hobbies, different interests, different personalities. If he goes out I am glad to have the house to myself -- not really sure I miss him very much. Something about the way we communicate...our interactions are just very quick and short, a few sentences each. Not arguments exactly...more like tiptoeing. I sometimes hear people say 'Oh my DH is my best friend, I can tell him anything, some nights we talk for hours!' and I just don't feel that way. Or I see people look at each other with such love, such affection, and I feel a pang of wishing I had that. (Our sex life has been pretty sporadic lately). Or I meet new people and there's this refreshing sense of coming alive, of feeling myself open up. (Not sexually, just sort of feeling relaxed, more like myself.)

We've been good together in the past, we've been through a lot together and we are both committed to our kids. He's a great father -- really great. Possible he likes me more than I like him. Feels horrible to say.

I feel like I am in a marriage that is maybe a 6/10 and I worry about the wisdom of chucking it away in the hope of finding a:10 (or even an 8). Is there anyone out there who has done this? Any words of wisdom/advice would be welcome.

Also, as I reflect on my marriage and reread my description of it here, I wonder if 6/10 might be a bit generous.

Trouble is, I don't have much to compare it to. My own parents split when I was quite young. I have only had one other serious relationship prior to marriage and I don't have close married friends with whom to compare notes. MN is a good resource for this. I am fully aware that no relationship is perfect, and even outwardly happy people have their hidden woes. I just feel kind of...numb...and wonder what joys and capabilities might lie dormant inside me. Or is that a selfish notion?

Thanks to all responders, especially those who have felt/experienced similar things. I am terribly self conscious about misrepresenting myself on here and being attacked for being cruel/heartless.

Can you remember when DH used to make you feel natural and open and why?

I think the test is: if you get a moment to yourselves, e.g. you can go out for lunch together one weekday, or away for a night without the kids, what's it like?

That is, if you can get rid of the chores, work and the drudge and the constant demands on each of you from other people, and just have some time together, do you have a nice time together, or not?

I guess the question is - if your relationship is only 6 out of 10, what is the rest of your life?

I have a friend who had a "5 or 6" marriage. But (although she didn't realise it at the time) the rest of her life was pretty great. So maybe a "7 or 8" life overall.

She met someone that she thought was a "10" and promptly left her husband for him.

5 years later they are still together but their relationship is now only an "8".

And the rest of their life is pretty difficult - she only has shared care of her son and misses him a lot, her son has also suffered a lot from the split, her new partner didn't want the second child that she desperately wanted and was planning with her ex when she left, she has to deal with his children and the fact that he wants to parent her child very differently to how she wants to parent, money is tight, lots of disgruntled exes that they will never be free of, lots of friends who sided with her ex, her parents have never really got over it.

So a "6" life on a good day.

Why on earth would anyone score a marriage out of 10, why would anyone score a marriage at all?
How would you feel if your husband scored YOU out of 10?
I suggest with that sort of attitude to a marriage you would struggle to find anyone!

I agree - and do wonder how it is possible to "score" a marriage and think its a bit of a red herring. Its not a tick box list, with more ticks scoring higher. Instead of trying to think cognitively about it, try to get in touch with your feelings.

Fundamentally, its all about how you feel. Either at bottom, if you can cut through some of the crap and tiredness life throws, you like each other and get on and respect each other, or you don't.

If you find you don't, it might be possible to feel more positively about each other if you actively agree to try to reach out more. When sitting on the sofa, hold hands. Kiss goodbye in the morning and hello in the evening, even if only a cheek peck. Try to do one kind thing for each other each day. It can really work wonders. Have one night a week where you sit and have supper together rather than watching TV.

It sounds, OP, like you don't engage much with each other at the moment It's hard to see how you can feel warm feelings towards each other if you are not connecting at all. Perhaps there is a lot of resentment, mistrust, avoidance and fear but at bottom you just both want the other to reach out and CONNECT?

If you suggest this kind of thing and try to do it, and after a few months of trying your DH isn't giving anything back and things are just as bad, then I think there is your answer.

I have just read this article www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/mental-health/dr-ciara-kelly-be-happy-in-your-relationship-if-youre-not-do-something-about-it-34220238.html which might be of some help to you.

Meant to say I think it's fine to have separate hobbies and interests and I love having the place to myself so I don't think that's a sign that you are incompatible. But I would hate to have someone who was into everything I am, it would drive me mad. I like my own space.

OP, you got some great advice already. I think your age has a lot to say, I am 42 and I started having a bit of a midlife crisis in the spring that ended with me having a near break down late summer and threatening with divorce. I just felt that my life was running from task to another and I felt very disconnected to my DH. I am by no means out of the woods yet, but I have felt immense relief from telling DH exactly how I felt, and after the storm, we are now becoming closer. It has also helped that I have hired a cleaner, I was very stressed with work/house work and never had any time to myself. I am also due to start therapy at a local counselling centre.

You need to do some real soul searching and involve your DH. I think at the moment you do not want to go on like this, but if you explain the severity of it to your DH, perhaps he will get it? You have nothing to lose.

Thanks for that. Much appreciated.

Also, I know it sounds weird to score out of ten. Feels weird doing it, and it doesn't reflect all the little nuances. Apologies if it sounds harsh or dimplistic - just needed a shorthand way of saying that things aren't great while not exactly being catastrophic in any area. 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' sort of covers it.

I think this rings true for me anyway

So ask yourself is your relationship making you happy? Do you feel valued? Can you really be yourself in it? Does it allow you to grow as a person? If the answer is no - something needs to change

Sounds like you have lost each other and you don't see him as a desirable man anymore. You don't sound connected on any level as a couple. This is a dangerous place for any relationship as you or he is vulnerable to getting needs met elsewhere

I think you should leave, you cannot possibly force yourself to love someone. If you had said in this post that you argue constantly or he had cheated I guarantee everyone would jump in and say divorce him because it's not a good example for your kids. It's like there needs to be a reason that justifies turning your life upside down other than you being miserable. An empty marriage where you guys don't even talk does not teach your kids anything either. You will just end up divorcing once they're older anyway. If you're not happy then go and don't feel guilty simple as.

it simply makes me more immediately aware of what is lacking in my marriage. A curiosity, a kindness, an ease and joy. But maybe I am asking too much of that one central relationship.

Hardly. If you don't feel like that with your partner there is not much point in having a partner. Really.

Maybe I have an idealised impression of what a marriage can/could be.

Again, not at all. It's not idealised to be relaxed and happy with your partner, it's the least you should expect.

I think, if anything, you might have overstated the 6/10, because your expectations seem rather low.

I still feel there is more to this than you're saying, or perhaps even admitting to yourself - but note, that's not a request for information, just a feeling. You shouldn't have to always look at the world through his eyes, for example.

Fair points all. The 'looking at the world' statement is due to his being quite an anxious, paranoid, negative person (more so than when we got together). Living with someone like that can gradually force you to share/internalise their worldview.

I know exactly where you are coming from...I'm 25 years in and have had a pretty shitty marriage but others who seemed very happy have split.
Overall my life is very good and I think that needs taking into consideration.
We split, got back and it's now brother/sister ish.
On a good day I'm glad I stayed because I think it's very very hard for any long term marriage to be more than a 6.
I like the 70% rule...very useful.
No option is perfect and middle age does make you question.
Which ever path you take there is good and bad.

I think a mid life crises can be a wake up call for you and your DH. Depends what you do with what you are feeling. Talking to him may help if you are honest about how you truly are feeling. Maybe if would be enough for him to feel he has to step up. Same as you. Maybe he is unhappy too and there are things he would like to do different. Its not too late to change things. When people go off and have affairs both parties then have a huge wake up call and retrospectively wish they had talked more

You are bored and at a stage in life where you are reflecting on the past and thinking 'is this it?'. You are maybe subconsciously worrying about whether or not you are still attractive to the opposite sex and seem to be overlooking and ignoring DH, whom you appear to take for granted. You crave something different and exciting and to recapture your youth after the grind of a longish marriage and child rearing. You are ripe for an affair, as others have said.

There seem to be a lot of positives in your marriage and, personally, I would not throw it all away on the basis that you might find something better. Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but I agree with PP that communication is the way forward. It would be interesting to read a post by DH to get his perspective on the situation - you might be surprised.

But I do understand how you feel and and I do sympathise.

Could you go away for a few days, just the two of you?

Op, I could have written your post. I don't have the answers but I feel exactly the same in my relationship! About to start relate as feel empty and sad and taken for granted. Prob about a 5/10 at the mo and no intimacy. I don't know what to do but hope relate or some kind of counselling helps. Sending you

Lots of people have 5/10, 6/10 and at best 7/10 marriages. Kids are usually the the reason they are still marriages.

Very true.

Sorry to hear you're in the same situation, Kiddiewinks. Tricky, isn't it?

I really like the look at all elements of life advice above. My second marriage is probably a 6 at present, lots has happened that's left us just a bit exhausted. We're not making enough effort with each other and we will do again but right now a bit of just getting on with things is okay. The rest of life is probably more like an 8. If we separated (not on the cards) the rest of life would be below 5.

I did the single parent thing when my first husband, who i had complete faith in and thought was my best friend, walked out he was in love with someone else. It has its advantages but also opens up a load of new issues. Its hard to pop to the shops, round to see a friend, to go to any classes. For me there were massive money pressures and I had to sell the house, move areas etc.

Yes, it's definitely important to keep all those downsides in mind. My DH earns way more than I do, and there would definitely be a drop in quality of life for everyone if we separated.