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Original poster

Does anyone else's DH do his chores all weekend...

40 replies

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 14:44

meaning that you have to watch the children without a break and you never get any of your own chores done??

My DH spends every weekend doing chores - gardening, going to the tip, DIY etc. Now admittedly, they are chores that need to be done, but I have as long a list of things that need to be done but because our children are young, it means that one of us always need to watching them while the other does chores.

It drives me nuts that every weekend I feel like a widow, looking after the kids AGAIN with no company and with a growing list of chores that I end up having to do after they've gone to bed when I'm knackered.

And the worst part is that if I complain, he says: well would you rather I didn't do the chores? They're not fun you know.

Sorry - just thoroughly pissed off with two bored kids, rainy weather and a DH who is off at the tip again, a long list of Christmas things to do and facing a week of DH being away on business again.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 10/12/2006 14:46

Your dh does chores? Mine has to be begged and cajoled into doing them and then he does them reluctantly. I think that you need to devide the childcare up at the weekend.

munz · 10/12/2006 14:50

yours does those, mine doesn't, well here's how it goes in m,y house:

weekly - I do all the child watching/playing/stuff by day, on a night we take turns in bathing/washing up - whomever washes up also tidys doens stairs so we can both sit down and relax at 7pm.

weekend - I run ALL errands if they need doing - tip etc and things like that as DH can't drive, so he has J and daddy time. things like gardening we do between us tbh when j's sleeping.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 14:50

I know I should be grateful that he does them because so many men do nothing, but they're things that he wants to do - like tidying up his shed. Things like cleaning the house are left to me.

But it's more the lack of family time. Today we were supposed to make gingerbread christmas decorations for the tree - something lovely we could do together. But DH has been doing his chores and I can't do the baking with a 2.9 year old and a 15 month old. The older one wants to help - and I want to have him help me - but the little one can't help and just destroys everything. But we can't just ignore him because he just starts whinging (not wrongly, he's bored and is being ignored).

sigh.

OP posts:

lulumama · 10/12/2006 14:51

is there stuff you can do together? as a family? eg take one or both kids to the shops? get them to help in the garden with a kids spade ? make a 2 gap in the day where you sit down , have lunch and talk, then play before he carries on?

is he really filling two full days with chores??

doing family things is also part of every weekend surely?

charliecat · 10/12/2006 14:53

PMSL.
While hes doing his chores, cant the little ones not watch the telly or a dvd or something while you curl up with a book?
I have to do the tip runs, the recycling runs, the garden tidying and dp only does the stuff that I physically cant do.....after 6 months of it gathering moss.
Can you encourage him to get them all done in a 3 hours morning and have the rest of the weekend as a family?
Plan a winter walk for next weekend, or something.

lulumama · 10/12/2006 14:53

2 hour gap ! sorry

ah yes....tidying the shed..takes as long as tidying an entire house, no?

i know it is great when they do the chores...but not at the expense of family time....

charliecat · 10/12/2006 14:55

Put the little one in the highchair with some water in the highchair tray and some spoons, whatever it is you and the older one are fiddling with while you are baking.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 14:55

Today we were literally supposed to go to church, have a walk, have a roast lunch and make cookies. But then he came out with his list of things that had to be done today. So far we've done none of the above - not even the roast lunch because I couldn't make it with the kids going bonkers. So we had left over stew. DH left his shed long enough to eat it and then returned.

OP posts:

charliecat · 10/12/2006 14:57

Next weekend tell him the shed can be left. Thats riduculus.

kama · 10/12/2006 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

busybusymum · 10/12/2006 14:58

My dh has a day off in the week from his paid job and honestly beleives that he should be allowed to just do his own thing on that day.

And my day off is when........?

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 18:25

busybusy - I know exactly what you mean!

he finally finished his chores and spent 1.5 hours with the kids while I had to clean and cook. Fun, jolly family time - not.

And he just griped at the kids the whole time and kept sighing like he was so exhausted. I wanted to clobber him. And he knows I'm really pissed off with him so know we have that nice stony silence thing going on. I wasn't going to have any wine tonight but I think I might just change my mind

OP posts:

dollybird · 10/12/2006 21:38

Hi J&J - you should definitely get the kids out in the garden with DH - my DH always spends a couple of hours out in the garden every weekend and always takes the DC out with him (they are 4.6 and 3.3 but he has done it since the youngest could walk) - they love it - get some fresh air and daddy time and you can get on and do what you need to leaving time for family time later. My DH tends to work Saturdays and we have to go shopping so it's important to have this time on Sunday. We also try and get up reasonably early and all go swimming together so we have done a family activity before mid-morning. hth. enjoy the wine!

autumnlover · 10/12/2006 21:53

find an activity that DH can take to kids to himself and give you a couple of hrs peace & quiet. DH takes our 2 girls swimming saturday morning (eldest is in unaccompnanied classes), which has left me time to myself. recently i've been going with them and its nice because we all go food shopping and then lunch afterwards, then park or something....

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 22:02

The problem is that the little one needs to be watched like a hawk. He moves at the speed of light and has no sense (being only 14 months old). He puts all sorts of nasty things in his mouth and will just hurl himself off a high drop we have (needs to be fenced off but that of course would be another job for DH!!)

I definitely think the older one could be with him but he just moans when he has to have them. The joke is that one day we had to cook and we had to rake leaves. So I said to him, I tell you what you cook and I'll rake leaves. So he stands there as I'm heading out doors and says: so are you taking these kids or what? How am I suppose to cook with them here??????????????????

I think he realised what he said soon thereafter but I wanted to slap him. I think he just has typical bloke mentality - I can do one thing at a time and that is it. So raking and looking after kids is just too much for him. I of course ended up raking with both kids in tow - which I normally wouldn't mind, but just having 5 mins to myself would be nice.

OP posts:

bctmum · 10/12/2006 22:06

Know how you feel - I have LO's and have a whole list of jobs that I can't do with them in tow. I'm tired out sometimes.

pooka · 10/12/2006 22:06

At weekends I do all painting/DIY/gardening and so on. Enjoy it because I get a break from children, can think, listen to radio and it's a break for me. Can't see the point of me having the children all week only for the same to happen at weekends. DH gets time with the children and so everyone is happy.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 10/12/2006 22:10

I think we're just going to have to have a little chat about it. We moved house in Aug and the list of things to do since then has been gobsmacking. But it's tapering off now. And I think sometimes he just assumes he HAS to do the jobs because they're things he's probably better at or he thinks I don't want to do them.

But honestly, I would prefer to be driving to the tip and getting an upper body workout hefting heavy bags into the containers than sitting at home AGAIN with the kids.

They love spending time with him and he enjoys his time with them - but not if he feels he has other chores to do. Think we'll create some new rules for the new year.

OP posts:

Mirage · 10/12/2006 22:58

I've got the opposite problem.My dh does very little at the weekend.In fact,we are so behind with all the DIY ect,that I painted the living room ceiling yesterday afternoon,whilst letting the dd's 3 & 18 m,entertain themselves with glue & glitter.I had no option,dh was at work & I cannot face another Christmas with stripped walls in the living room-it looks so awful.I also relaid some floorboards & sanded the walls for good measure.

dh is off from next Friday until Monday & has great plans for getting the room finished by then,but I'll believe it when I see it.He's not done any Christmas shopping yet either,so doubtless that will take up his long weekend.

Bah humbug!

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 11/12/2006 09:14

JoshandJamie I know EXACTLY what you mean and it drives me nuts. DH came home early from a walking weekend allegedly to spend more time with DS and myself then rushed off to tidy up garden and shut himself in study to do his tax return.

I can't say that he isn't doing something useful but I am sure he manufactures half these things so as not to have "wasted" time with DS which I think is how he sees it. I need to physically leave the house to get him to do anything with DS and then he will. Oh and if he does do anything for DS then he makes a big song & dance of it so I have to say thank you as well as having to say thank you for doing his chores.

Obviously I don't get thanked for looking after DS because thats my 24/7 job.

Issymum · 11/12/2006 09:26

Yes, this all sounds familiar. We live in a large Victorian house that is gently falling down around our ears and there are always at least a dozen urgent items on the DIY list. The problem is exacerbated because DH is in a wheelchair making DIY tasks longer and tougher for him to complete. DH is also responsible for all the household finances, which generates a tonne of paperwork for him. I, on the other hand, am always itching to do some gardening and although I can do that with the children, it's easier, more efficient and frankly sometimes more satisfying to do it alone. We've found two ways to get around this: first, at breakfast on Saturday we both say what we want to achieve in terms of household tasks that weekend and then negotiate around when and how it's going to be done. DH also finds it hard to 'multi-task' so if I go off to do a task by myself, he accepts that and gets out the playdoh or a boardgame and plays with the DDs. We also plan a 'trip out' (park, playground, swimming) each day so that we can both focus on just enjoying being with the DDs.

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 09:28

This is so funny, because I could have written it myself. However, when the DIY was under control, he has taken some time off, and we have had nice family time.

I found that it helped to structure a plan for the weekend where he got specific time to do his stuff, while family time was planned in other slots.

It was hard looking after the children 7 days and not having a break, but I would rather that than have a husband who never did anything!

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 11/12/2006 09:41

Yes santa you are right it is much better having one that does something rather than one who does nothing and I do try and remember that sigh.

I suppose the reason I feel niggled by it is because when I go back to work I think I will want to spend a lot of time with DS at the weekend because I will miss him and it upsets me that DH doesn't feel the same. Particularly as DS is such a daddys boy and his eyes light up when daddy is around.

Actually I suppose the problem for me will go away once I go back to work as I will be happier to spend most of the weekend with DS.

Original poster

JoshandJamie · 11/12/2006 10:03

Well we had a stony night of silence last night. He knew I was annoyed with him but I just can't face having this discussion AGAIN. But we have to.

I like the suggestion of sitting down and structuring the weekend - the problem is that we do that, but don't seem to stick with our plans. Also, my DH has some kind of time warp problem - he seems to think that you can do 10 different chores and take the kids to the park and go grocery shopping and cook up a dinner and fit in a round of golf all on one day.

OP posts:

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 11/12/2006 10:08

Poor you, this sounds so like the situation that almost brought us to breaking point a few months ago.

I found the only real answer was when the DIY started to get left, rather than done. The house is a bit of a mess, but we are happier all round.

DH felt very stressed with a never ending list of jobs to do, and this impacted on us all, as well as me having to do EVERYTHING else. I felt like a housekeeper.

Maybe get him to list all the things he thinks need doing, and plan them into weekends for the next month. Try to make him more realistic about what he can get done in the time. If possible, try to farm out some of the jobs to tradesmen, (if you can afford it).

The other thing is to recognise between you how much stress this is putting on you both.

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