Does anyone else's DH do his chores all weekend...

[JoshandJamie]

meaning that you have to watch the children without a break and you never get any of your own chores done??

My DH spends every weekend doing chores - gardening, going to the tip, DIY etc. Now admittedly, they are chores that need to be done, but I have as long a list of things that need to be done but because our children are young, it means that one of us always need to watching them while the other does chores.

It drives me nuts that every weekend I feel like a widow, looking after the kids AGAIN with no company and with a growing list of chores that I end up having to do after they've gone to bed when I'm knackered.

And the worst part is that if I complain, he says: well would you rather I didn't do the chores? They're not fun you know.

Sorry - just thoroughly pissed off with two bored kids, rainy weather and a DH who is off at the tip again, a long list of Christmas things to do and facing a week of DH being away on business again.

Well Santa, I decided to broach the subject with DH - but over email. I find that way I can get my points out rationally without looking at his increasingly cross face which in turn makes me increasingly cross which makes me say things I regret.

So far there has been no response and I sent it this morning. he leaves tomorrow for a week to go off on business and I just want to have this resolved.

Well, if nothing else, it will have got it off your chest. I think as long as you don't do it in an accusatory way it should be okay? Perhaps say to him "I know that you are feeling very stressed and I am too, so I want us to think of ways to make our lives a bit easier".

Hope it goes well.

joshandjamie I too know exactly where you are coming from, especially the bit about making lovely plans but with totally unreal expectations of what is achievable in one day.

After a whole morning of 'man-chores' my dh will say right then come on then lets go and do something nice, like a long walk, and I will have to remind him that in 20 minutes it will be the babies lunch time (the same as every other day of their lives) and then they will need a sleep and so he will huff and puff at me as though I am being difficult!!

We had this problem over the weekend just gone, it feels like such a waste of a weekend. For my Dh I put it down to bad time-management but other times I feel like he is just busying himself he has a very demanding job which also means from March to November he works every weekend, so for me these winter weekends are even more precious.

Well we had a chat about it tonight. He understands where I'm coming from and has agreed that we can make plans to spend time together as a family and not just do chores and that he can occasionally take the children while he's doing chores.

But am still not sure he really gets it. I've told him I'm lonely, sitting on my own minding kids all weekend and never really getting to spend any real time together. So am hoping he starts to be slightly more involved with the rest of us.

I think you will just have to accept him the way he is as I can think of worse things a bloke can be doing than chores.If he changes he might resent you for it so it will be a hollow victory.
I would work round it for the sake of your sanity.
My dh is the same but he does have bursts of doing other stuff.Ive long given up trying to change him as it isnt as a destructive trait as others.Focus on his positive points and stop nagging him by e-mail or otherwise.He sounds lovely to me.

I don't agree with that timeforme. Mind you maybe I am just lucky that DP spends time with me and the kids all weekend because he wants to, its our family time and children grow up so quickly and then want to do their own thing.

Make sure he sticks to what he says Joshandjamiesmum.

Time4me - he is lovely, which is exactly why I'd like to be able to spend more time with him as a family instead of him doing chores all the time. Part of it is that he feels it's his duty to do them, but part of it is escaping from the kids. Andn if I don't discuss it with him, it will build up resentment in me which won't be good for our relationship either.

So I think I'll agree to disagree with you but we're all entitled to our opinions. So thanks for yours.

Compromise? One day on chores and one day on family stuff. I do know what you mean though. DH finds all 3 kids really hard work and will do ANYTHING to avoid spending time with them without me - even with me he gets stressed TBH as he is much more strict with them than I am. He keeps insisting that he needs to spend one-to-one time with the kids - but when he does that I have both the others (usually incl the little one too!) He also watches football once or twice a month.

Having said all that, there are things that need doing and I'd be irritated if they didn't get done. I don't begrudge his his time off although I'd like some too more often. And I don't mind taking the kids out on my own if it's a limited period of time. Bearing in mind that as I work I also have a load of stuff to sort at the weekend.

Perhaps you need to look at things from each others POV? I work so maybe I can see his POV a bit more. You feel resentful that he leaves the children with you all weekend. He sees the weekend as his time off - the arguements about whether working or looking after kids is harder work is irrelevant. When you are working it doesn't feel easy and you do need downtime. I don't suppose he even sees shed time as down-time - he probably views it as doing something important that needs doing. There are 2 days in the weekend - one could be his 'chores' and one could be family time.

Divide the weekends up then - one day he has the children 9 - 6 and next day you do. He will have to do fewer chores but tough.

Joshandjamie, do you think he does chores to avoid looking after the children?

I'm sure. I often have. It's a known thing. Looking after 3 small children is very hard work. Doing chores and seeing that garden completed and looking lovely or the shed painted etc can be much more satisfying but he needs to pull his weight with the childcare if his wife isn't happy. When we had 5 smallish children and my ex husband worked a lot at weekends we got someone to look after 2 of the children on Saturday mornings. That did deflect a lot of this issue and made things easier. It was worth the cost. The youngest children loved it because they got someone devoting all their time just to those two.

I think part of his doing chores is to avoid spending time with the kids. He loves them but he finds them hard work.

Just want to say that I also work - but only two days a week from home as I run my own business. I can only get childcare for two days a week and am desperately seeking a nanny to take them for a third because I am trying to squeeze in a full week's work in two days. I end up working most nights and whenever I can get five free minutes. So I do know how important it is to get downtime from work, but I also know how exhausting it is looking after little children.

It's all too familiar. I think of it this way - maybe because I have spent more time with the children since they were born, I reckon do get more enjoyment from looking after them, AND I find it easier than he does.

So as long as he does his share of effort, I don't make him do 50/50 time-wise. Basically I push him to his limit, but not beyond!

I think that's reasonable santa. I can look forward to taking them all out somewhere on my own. OK...I plan in advance and mentally gird my loins, but I expect and DO enjoy it. DH dreads it ,expects it to be awful and it generally is. His loss though.

Maybe you are right and I will try and discuss things with my dh,I will look at things again.
However my dh doesnt try and change me and thats what I like / love about him.
However maybe he needs a pressure valve like some people need other stuff.
You obviously have a great husband,I didn`t mean to put you down in any sense.