Should I expect my BF to make an effort with my friends?

[VIX1307]

I always make the effort to go to anything that my partner invites me to. I like to get to know the people that are important to him and IMO that's something you should do in a relationship.
After inviting my boyfriend to an evening wedding reception 2 months prior (which he agreed to) When I reminded him the day before the wedding, his response was "Do I definitely have to come?". I told him no he didn't but it would be nice if he made the effort, especially as he has already RSVP'd. He agreed begrudgingly but made a big deal of it to the point I almost felt like telling him not to bother. He also booked a cab before the night was over without telling me until it arrived and told me to 'stay and enjoy myself'- he went home at 10.30, this upset me somewhat seeing as I was left alone with a group of 5 other couples (my friends, whose partners made the effort to stay out)
This isn't the first time it's happened and he has told me outright before that 'he has no interest in getting to know my friends'.
His argument was that if I didn't want to come out with his friends he wouldn't have a problem with it and definitely wouldn't want to make me do anything that I didn't want to do.
It was my birthday recently and he even pulled out of my own party (again with all my friends) last minute because he 'wasn't feeling well'.
Amongst many other occasions. One night we both went to the pub where we both had a group of friends there. I made sure I came over to say hello to his friends before making my way out to the garden to join mine. He didn't even come out and say hi and it just made it really awkward as everyone was asking if he was going to come over and say hello (it doesn't take much does it?) He finally did at the end of the night when I passed him on route to the bar and basically had to remind him it would be nice if he could come out even for 5 minutes to be polite.
I know it's silly to compare things like this but you can see the difference when of our 37 mutual friends on Facebook only 2 of them are my friends- all the rest are his that I have made the effort to get to know.
It's just something that really grates on me and I feel like if he cared about me that much he would make an effort to do something to make me happy. AIBU?

He is so rude.

Which basically translates into him not thinking you're worth the "effort", or that he is actually getting some weird kick out of making you feel like you don't, maybe to keep you in your place?

Dump.

I had an exbf who was similar. It was one of the reasons I dumped him. I hung around for longer than I should because it took me a little while to process it. But it's a dealbreaker for me too.

Ah, the charming social butterfly when it matters to him, and an odious arsehole with you.

Dump the knobend.

You realise your friends and family will breathe a collective sigh of relief when you do?

No, he is being rude - even if he didn't want to spend time with your friends at the wedding, that doesn't change the fact he was your date for the evening, he should have stayed with you! eg. I have never wanted to go to a work event with DH, but I'm on his arm making polite converstaion with colleagues/their wives because it's supportive of him that he doesnt have to go alone. There's a reason so many weddings give you "plus one" invites, because considerate couples know it's nicer to have someone with you, even if it's not someone they want to have at their wedding particularly.

He doesn't care about supporting you, not just about not getting to know your friends, he doesn't care about standard couple behaviour is to go to things as a couple for your benefit - regardless if he likes them or not.

Dump, he's basically saying your feelings don't matter.

Be been where you are and it's bloody miserable.
Attending functions on my own, him missing my birthday celebrations, or making daytime plane so that he'd be late, making a big entrance later on.
I ended up despising him, and if tuned out that no-one else liked him either.

Get rid of him.

"He says I know I should want to do these things for you but I just don't and I don't know why."

I can explain why! It's because he's utterly self-centred, and has no respect for you.

His life, his friends, his interests = important.
Your life, your friends, your interests, your birthday = not important.

Selfish and disrespectful men do not make good partners, OP. Leave him and be happy.

does he go out by himself? Does he maybe have a social anxiety?

If you are ok with this fine, I have a few friends who lead almost entirely separate lives from their partners and everyone v happy with that. You aren't happy and I suspect you do most of the running to be with him and his friends. Find someone who wants the same things as you and you'll be happier.

Read the thread, Branleuse! This is Mr Sociable she's dealing with.

Very disrespectful, my STBXH used to do this with me and I could never quite figure out what is was that bugged me about it.

It's only now that I have left him that I see it as a very disrespectful act - he is telling you that your wants, needs and interests are of no concern to him. He couldn't care less whether you friends like him, or that you would like him to make the effort with them. It's his needs only.

Leave him, please don't waste time with a man who clearly doesn't give a shit about your relationship.

reading about his job/background, it just sounds to me like he is arrogant and perceives your friends as uninteresting/below him in some way. Obv not a sign of a nice person!

This is a bad sign. Even introverts can grit their teeth & make an effort. His behaviour sounds passive-aggressive to me, like he resents you friends, maybe.
I was married to an introvert who was similar to your partner, actually, not as bad, as ex would "fake it" for the sake of social convention. I am now with a DP who is gregarious & happy to socialise, and it is utterly delightful.
Move on.

He's rude.

No other description.

Are you prepared to carry on making excuses for him in social situations?

please just get rid. He is telling you who he is. Not nice. PS my ex used to do this so I ended up quite isolated.

Sounds like my ex! When I asked him to meet up with my parents again (after meeting them just once ), his response was classic : 'but why would I want to do that?'

At my 30th birthday, half the room didn't even know he was my boyfriend.

Dump, and find someone who cares about you and your life.

Meant to say - you sound really lovely and IMO he doesn't deserve you!

DUMP and RUN

Sorry, I have also been there. It just gets worse and it's just pure laziness and disrespect. Everything is on his terms. You will in time just become more isolated from your friends because you will be too embarrassed to turn up and make excuses for him [and yourself for being an idiot which you know deep down] and then you will find that the "friends" you spend all your time with are his friends and you will never see them again when you eventually wake up and dump him from a height. He will genuinely never get it, nor make anything other than a begrudging minimum amount of effort that just makes you wish he wasn't there [which is his passive aggressive intent in the first place]

Fast forward 5 yrs say. You have gotten married and had a child. He refuses to come to your parents and have Christmas there. Or he refuses to socialise with the NCT group/other friends with children so you are there by yourself feeling like a single mother. [nothing wrong with being a single mother except when you are not, just married to a gobshite]

It's only been a year [not the 7 I put up with] Run a frickin' mile and celebrate dumping his arse with your friends.

Couldn't agree more with Treadsoftly.

If this is an issue now, it will be a massive issue later if & when you have children. If he's anything like my ex he will then use the DCs as an excuse - "I'll stay home with the kids, you go". Not because he's a good dad, but because it's a convenient excuse. It got to the point when I would get an invitation to something (often something significant, like a wedding or a big birthday), and I'd dread even mentioning it because I just knew I'd be disappointed by his response.

He is very rude to your family - I found I saw my family less & less when I was with ex, because he didn't want to be there, I felt awkward about going and our visits dwindled. Now I have a DP who is sociable, and we see both our families much more.

This is obviously something that matters to you, and it won't get better. He's already told you that. So, here comes that old MN sentence -

"When someone tells you who they are, listen."

He's told you he can't be bothered, he has enough friends, he doesn't really want to spend time with your significant friends and family. Listen to him, and dump his sorry arse!