Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I expect my BF to make an effort with my friends?

68 replies

VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 17:03

I always make the effort to go to anything that my partner invites me to. I like to get to know the people that are important to him and IMO that's something you should do in a relationship.
After inviting my boyfriend to an evening wedding reception 2 months prior (which he agreed to) When I reminded him the day before the wedding, his response was "Do I definitely have to come?". I told him no he didn't but it would be nice if he made the effort, especially as he has already RSVP'd. He agreed begrudgingly but made a big deal of it to the point I almost felt like telling him not to bother. He also booked a cab before the night was over without telling me until it arrived and told me to 'stay and enjoy myself'- he went home at 10.30, this upset me somewhat seeing as I was left alone with a group of 5 other couples (my friends, whose partners made the effort to stay out)
This isn't the first time it's happened and he has told me outright before that 'he has no interest in getting to know my friends'.
His argument was that if I didn't want to come out with his friends he wouldn't have a problem with it and definitely wouldn't want to make me do anything that I didn't want to do.
It was my birthday recently and he even pulled out of my own party (again with all my friends) last minute because he 'wasn't feeling well'.
Amongst many other occasions. One night we both went to the pub where we both had a group of friends there. I made sure I came over to say hello to his friends before making my way out to the garden to join mine. He didn't even come out and say hi and it just made it really awkward as everyone was asking if he was going to come over and say hello (it doesn't take much does it?) He finally did at the end of the night when I passed him on route to the bar and basically had to remind him it would be nice if he could come out even for 5 minutes to be polite.
I know it's silly to compare things like this but you can see the difference when of our 37 mutual friends on Facebook only 2 of them are my friends- all the rest are his that I have made the effort to get to know.
It's just something that really grates on me and I feel like if he cared about me that much he would make an effort to do something to make me happy. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 18:18

I'm just a big believer in that relationships involve 2 people and occasionally may require compromise and to do something you might particularly not enjoy for the sake of the other persons happiness. Am I wrong? I'm not asking to him to come out for cocktails with the girls but the occasional wedding (or my birthday) and even the odd night every couple of months with my mixed group of friends surely can't be that much of an ask??

OP posts:
hangingoutattheendofmywick · 20/11/2015 18:23

No absolutely! I would explain to him just that - he might not have any idea it upsets you. It might not have affected exes so he's just got into the habit of it. What's ok for one person isn't ok for another. And you're right - it's really about compromise.

EllieJayJay · 20/11/2015 18:32

I think it's fair enough if you have your friends and he has his, I think that is healthy for people to have their own hobbies, interests and people - however you make an effort with his people he should make an effort with yours especially on your birthday.

I guess it might work for some people it wouldn't work for me and it doesn't sound like it works for you

Tough decision to make here OP, I just hope your happy with what you decide X

Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 18:39

I've already explained it to him and he knows it's an issue. He says I know I should want to do these things for you but I just don't and I don't know why. Maybe that says it all then

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/11/2015 18:40

Yep

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/11/2015 18:45

Yes it says it all.

Does your relationship mean you see much less of your friends because of his attitude?

wallywobbles · 20/11/2015 18:48

God he is incredibly rude above all. A total social impediment.

Expect to be endlessly disappointed with this one.

EllieJayJay · 20/11/2015 18:51

That really says it all... I hate to say it but maybe he is just not that into you

Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 18:52

I'm still free to see my friends whenever I want to. It just gets me down a bit if I go out with my mixed group of friends, all who's partners now know each other and get on really well and mines the only one that won't bother. They always ask when is he going to come out for a drink and I just can't bring myself to say "well actually he just can't really be bothered to get to know you all"

OP posts:
Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 18:55

I think there has been a couple of occasions when he's agreed in advance to join me and then at the last minute says he can't because "the lads" have now made plans. I guess I know what I need to do!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 20/11/2015 19:02

Run for the hills. Not just because he won't hang out with your friends but because he said I know I should want to do these things for you but I just don't and I don't know why. That definitely does say it all.

My DH wouldn't want to spend all his time with my friends (and vice versa) but we each make an effort to do things with them.

donajimena · 20/11/2015 19:15

My ex was like this too. He was very social but he always turned down invites with my friends. I guess he thought there was no point getting involved as he didn't plan for me to be around long term..

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/11/2015 19:22

Are you sure he sees you as his girlfriend? To me it sounds like he sees you as someone to sleep with.

ImperialBlether · 20/11/2015 19:24

What's he like with your family? Does he do the same there?

He's cut off a huge chunk of your life, whilst being very happy that you are involved in his life.

I don't like him.

Jibberjabberjooo · 20/11/2015 19:26

Is he happy the OP is involved in his life? I got the impression he wasn't bothered either way.

Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 19:58

Yes we are definitely "together" I spend time with his family and friends. Recently attending his brothers wedding together so it's not just sleeping together. He will make more effort with my family to the minimum level so it's just acceptable. If we are invited for dinner at my parents he will come and do the niceties but he will leave pretty much straight after dinner so he can catch the game on tv or something to that effect. My parents say they don't mind but I don't know I find it a bit off to just eat then leave 5 minutes after

OP posts:
PeppasNanna · 20/11/2015 20:11

He sounds quite disrespectful.

My STBXP was very similar. I am now so socially isolated.

He wasnt worth it. If i could go back in time i would have listened to that little voice & got rid of him instead of wasting 16 years of my life on him.

ImperialBlether · 20/11/2015 20:14

That's actually really disrespectful to your family, too, isn't it? He'll turn up, eat the food then go? Is that what he thinks relationships are about?

Original poster
VIX1307 · 20/11/2015 20:21

Well yes exactly. I'm not comfortable with it but my parents are too nice and say oh we will just be sitting around falling asleep after dinner he's not missing much etc! Which doesn't really help as now he just thinks it's fine Hmm

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 20/11/2015 20:34

He's very disrespectful. I couldn't be with someone who blatantly didn't care.

TheExMotherInLaw · 20/11/2015 20:38

Big Red Flag
Run
Now

ImperialBlether · 20/11/2015 20:44

If you were to dump this disrespectful, rude man, you know that all of your friends and family would be delighted, don't you?

rollmeover · 20/11/2015 21:18

Hes awful, leave him.

Twinklestein · 20/11/2015 21:29

If you dump him he won't have to bother putting himself out for your mates ever again.

Damelonair · 21/11/2015 07:35

I don't think your dp is particularly rude, just very different from yourself.
I appear on the surface pretty outgoing as I work in a job where I have to talk to host and entertain potential customers everyday.
But in my personal life I just do not have any desire to spend any time with people I find irritating, or even just feel indifferent to.
My husband is similar to me with this and we do not get upset when the other does not want to attend a friend/family social gathering unless emotional support is needed. But we are more than welcome to go if we wish.
I think you should let him go so he can find someone who he will accept him and his attitudes towards socialising, instead of pressuring him to socialise with your friends/family which he has made crystal clear to you he does not enjoy.