Can I improve relationship with SIL/PILs after I did awful thing?

[CouldClarissaExplainItPlease]

Have NC. I have written this post and deleted lots of times- finding it v hard to post and trying to keep it short and not put in too much stuff to justify myself.

When I was at sixth form college I had a horrible boyfriend and low self esteem. I also had a male friend (MF), who confided in me his girlfriend (I'll call her Sarah) was pregnant- he was panicking. We got drunk and slept together. It was a horrible thing to do and I wish I could give my 17 yr old self a shake. Everyone at college and in my town found out, including Sarah- I become a social pariah and was v happy to leave town and go to uni miles away in the north.

A year later, MF came to the town where I was studying, for work. His DS had been born, MF was still with Sarah, and he would go home to visit them on weekends. However, they found long distance too hard and split up after a year. Sarah lived v near MF's mum, and saw her daily, and was v close to other family who were of course v involved with DS, their grandchild, and MF kept returning to hometown to see DS regularly.

When MF had been single for about 6 months we got back in touch and began dating. After a few months MF told his parents and sister we were together. Sarah found out, and understandably was v angry. She told MF's sister what I had done years before. Things were very difficult, but after a couple of years of me dating MF, Sarah agreed I could meet her DS (then 4).

Years later, MF and I are now married (I'll keep using MF though for continuity). We have DS EOW and are happy- DS and I get on well. However, Sarah is of course still a big part of the family and very close in particular to SIL.

My worry is that SIL doesn't like me, because of what I did to Sarah all those years ago. She is pleasant but there are lots of small cutting remarks (inc Facebook, sorry), or things we are left out of. ILs are generally a very close family, who holiday together etc, and I/we are treated noticeably differently.

My fear is that my relationship with SIL is ruined forever, and that MF is left out of family things because of me. I also worry that when we have children they won't have the same relationship with their cousin that my DSS does.

Can I do anything to try to repair things with SIL? I am so sad and angry with myself that maybe I ruined my relationship with my in laws by one stupid night in sixth form

Maybe you should stop trying? You can't force friendship/acceptance with them. Just imagining if it was me that was his family, I would probably be a bit hesitant. Not saying that you deserve a nightmare from them though. Concentrate on your friends and family and just be pleasant when you see the others.

So their son/ brother shagged somebody behind his girlfriends back and they think that's your fault?? Why do you want to be accepted by these sexist, woman blaming Old Testament slut shamers? Tell them to fuck off??

One shag at the age of seventeen, wtf. As for advice to please them by having a baby, the 1950s called, they want their values back.

The sil sounds like an almighty arsehole. You don't need her in your life or that of your future kids. And if your DH is standing by and allowing his family to shun his wife for having um, having had sex with him (head explodes) then he's no better.

Massive grips needed all round.

I think in your ILs' shoes, I would have been more worried about my teenage son getting his teenage girlfriend pregnant and the fact that he was sleeping with other teenage girls would only have confirmed that he was a feckless twat and I had gone badly wrong somewhere.

I'm not sure, it was a long time ago (more than 10 yrs)- I know there were rumours, it was a small town- and I know MF told Sarah as he was worried she'd hear the rumour, and then Sarah told SIL years later

Normally when people have sex, unless one of them tells people, it is usually a private matter. I would just wonder why he told people in the first place. It seems rather convenient that you are the bad guy in all this to be honest.

As for advice to please them by having a baby, the 1950s called, they want their values back.

Not sure if that was aimed at me, but I wasn't advising her to have a baby so much as suggesting that the ILs might thaw if she did. One of the OP's specific concerns was that any child she might have might be treated as a second class citizen compared with DSS. And I'm not so sure she should work to 'please' them either. In her shoes I'd tell them to shove it. But I'm not in her shoes, so I was trying to look at it from her point of view, as stated in the OP. That's all.