Can I improve relationship with SIL/PILs after I did awful thing?

[CouldClarissaExplainItPlease]

Have NC. I have written this post and deleted lots of times- finding it v hard to post and trying to keep it short and not put in too much stuff to justify myself.

When I was at sixth form college I had a horrible boyfriend and low self esteem. I also had a male friend (MF), who confided in me his girlfriend (I'll call her Sarah) was pregnant- he was panicking. We got drunk and slept together. It was a horrible thing to do and I wish I could give my 17 yr old self a shake. Everyone at college and in my town found out, including Sarah- I become a social pariah and was v happy to leave town and go to uni miles away in the north.

A year later, MF came to the town where I was studying, for work. His DS had been born, MF was still with Sarah, and he would go home to visit them on weekends. However, they found long distance too hard and split up after a year. Sarah lived v near MF's mum, and saw her daily, and was v close to other family who were of course v involved with DS, their grandchild, and MF kept returning to hometown to see DS regularly.

When MF had been single for about 6 months we got back in touch and began dating. After a few months MF told his parents and sister we were together. Sarah found out, and understandably was v angry. She told MF's sister what I had done years before. Things were very difficult, but after a couple of years of me dating MF, Sarah agreed I could meet her DS (then 4).

Years later, MF and I are now married (I'll keep using MF though for continuity). We have DS EOW and are happy- DS and I get on well. However, Sarah is of course still a big part of the family and very close in particular to SIL.

My worry is that SIL doesn't like me, because of what I did to Sarah all those years ago. She is pleasant but there are lots of small cutting remarks (inc Facebook, sorry), or things we are left out of. ILs are generally a very close family, who holiday together etc, and I/we are treated noticeably differently.

My fear is that my relationship with SIL is ruined forever, and that MF is left out of family things because of me. I also worry that when we have children they won't have the same relationship with their cousin that my DSS does.

Can I do anything to try to repair things with SIL? I am so sad and angry with myself that maybe I ruined my relationship with my in laws by one stupid night in sixth form

It was a mistake and you were little more than a child. You are now married and I assume that sarah has a partner/husband, so why be so (especially SIL) passive/aggressive....

I would pipe up when she makes a snide remark and say "really.. eyes wide, with a smile on my face I don't understand what you mean". I would also, continue to be pleasant and your normal self.

The thing is OP, what is SIL/PIL going to do when you have children (I assume you would like them and apologies if I assumed incorrectly)? They will obviously want to be part of their lives, but their behaviour towards you/DH will not help this.

If it is of any comfort to you, you sound like a person of integrity who is doing her very best to improve matters with a bunch of buttoned-up sulky and possibly snooty characters.
Are they miserably inflexible, or do they just not have much warmth or love to give?
Either way, just be yourself. Don't abase yourself towards them. Worse crimes have been committed than your past error. Definitely don't rush into a blazing inferno for them, but if you happen by when one of the fuckers is drowning, you could lob them a lifebuoy.

Crikey, OP, I'm struggling to see what you did that was so awful. Not your finest hour, I suppose, to sleep with someone else's boyfriend, but, as others have said, you were both young, he was panicking, it was him that cheated on 'Sarah', not you, and your relationship appears to have stood the test of time. Understandable that your ILs have bonded with 'Sarah' and her DS, but I do think they all sound as though they need to grow up and live in the real world a bit. In your shoes, I think I'd feel I couldn't be bothered to work too hard for their good opinion, but it sounds as though you're a bit nicer than me!

I think you have two things on your side. One is time. Sounds like you and MF/DH are pretty solid and will stay together and I think there is real power in just rocking up on occasion after occasion, being your nice natural self, meeting subtle put-downs with warmth, tolerance and humour. I am a bit of a slow-burn friend myself. I have Asperger's and have to take things slowly socially, and have found over the years that people who are put off by that initially can be really won over in time by solid, dependable good-naturedness. So my advice to you would just to be pleasant, friendly, warm and reliable, be a solid step-parent, and never ever rise to the bait or take offence.

The other thing is that, contrary to your fears, I think they might thaw if you had DCs of your own. Until you do, I wonder if everyone is secretly harbouring doubts about whether you and DH will stay together and hopes about him and 'Sarah' getting back together. If you start your own family that would put all that to bed once and for all, and a new GC/DN would probably mobilise all their nice middle-class happy families skills.

One other thought: is it possible you're imagining SIL's/PILs' snubs because actually you still feel you did something awful? If so, be kind to yourself. No one here thinks you did anything that terrible.

You made a mistake when you were 17, didn't we all. Sounds like your now Dh and Sarah gave it a go and it didn't work out, maybe because you were all quite young at the time and he and Sarah were not ideally suited.

I think you should stop feeling guilty and not worry too much about the family. Build your own friendships and do your duty at family things. It may be pil get a bit more friendly if you have your own dc, in which case I would be friendly back, but don't expect miracles.

Good lord - guess they've never made a mistake as a teenager, then, and are totally innocent of ever hurting anyone else by their actions?

OP, don't waste energy on dissecting it. You just have to go on being you, and if they want to like you and be normal human beings that's up to them. You shouldn't change who you are (if you are generally a decent sort!) just to curry favour with people who can't get over themselves. None of this happened to either your SIL, your MIL or your FIL. The only person with a right to feel aggrieved was Sarah and she sounds like she's over it.

When I was a teenager my DH and I got together, and then I slept with someone else (went on to date them for a long time, but that's irrelevant, really) and in the process broke my now-DH's heart. When we eventually got back together, much water under the bridge later, and better people all round for having had all those experiences which we learned from, my SIL was equally unimpressed when her brother told her he was back in a relationship with me. But life goes on, and all my ILs (SIL, FIL, MIL) have learned to get over it. Show me someone who has never made a mistake and I will show you a liar.

You and MF made one mistake when you were 17, which you can't undo, but have behaved honourably since. It's their problem, not yours.

Maybe your SIL feels that if you hadn't been on the scene her brother would have stayed with Sarah and their child, and been a happy family. Instead he took up with you, and it's easier to blame you than him. She may suspect that there was something going on between you all the time.
So to her, you are the OW who ruined her friend's life, and now she has to be civil to you because you are family, while perhaps Sarah has struggled along.

I think all you can do is be open about feeling bad about having made some bad decisions when you were a vulnerable 17 year old, which as an adult you have to live with. And bend over backwards to be a good stepmother, daughter in law and supportive of Sarah.
And maybe get your husband to tallk to his family and sort this out. Just because a family has a culture of never having rows and being polite doesn't mean that individuals can't have honest conversations.

My fear is that my relationship with SIL is ruined forever, and that MF is left out of family things because of me. I also worry that when we have children they won't have the same relationship with their cousin that my DSS does

Can I do anything to try to repair things with SIL? I am so sad and angry with myself that maybe I ruined my relationship with my in laws by one stupid night in sixth form

Maybe your are being to sensitive, maybe you are imagining things.

If MF is left out of family things he might not give a monkeys.
Your future DCs might not have the same relationship with etc etc. Your future DCs might have wonderful relationships with the DCs of your close friends/ other rellies/ the next door neighbour.
You are assuming things and stressing about stuff that might not be the case and probably will never happen.

Grow up and form friendships outwith the family. Stop stressing about this, if your SIL is so petty that she bears grudges for decades then she isn't worth bothering with.

I think you should focus on forgiving yourself as it doesn't seem like you have really stopped blaming yourself. This may be the key to helping everyone move forward but even if they choose not to do so, at least you will be happier.

You were 17!

If they are still holding a grudge, then are frankly ridiculous.

You were 17! Jeez, who hasn't done something bad when they were 17 - or any age, for that matter?

You should forgive yourself and move on. Agree that your h's family are being insane and they should be treating h at least as severely - he cheated too. Jeez.

I think you should concentrate on your own friends and family - be pleasant and polite to the PILs but not fawny. Or would you feel better getting this off your chest and into the open?

How did everyone and their aunty find out in the first place?

Good grief it would be a very harsh world if we were all held to account for all our lives for our worst teenage mistake. I wonder if perhaps your guilt and fear are making you hypersensitive? Perhaps if you stop feeling guilty and forgive yourself the slights will seem less. If however you are getting digs on FB block their feeds you really don't need that shit. You obviously love your dp if your mil/sil love him they will get over themselves eventually.

It's always the woman's fault even if she was the single one because y'know men don't know any better.

It wasn't your finest hour OP but your H was the full blown ass here.

All you can say is what you have said here. If they don't accept it or at least accept you're trying then it's their problem to get over it really.

Do you think they have forgiven MF?

Nydj I think you're right- I kind of feel like I don't deserve to get over it. But not sure continuing to blame myself is helping anyone, certainly not Sarah who has no idea!
Doreen I'm not sure, it was a long time ago (more than 10 yrs)- I know there were rumours, it was a small town- and I know MF told Sarah as he was worried she'd hear the rumour, and then Sarah told SIL years later.

Just saw you weren't single. Completely not right but I can relate as I did things with a guy whilst with my ex at 17. He frightened me and I wanted to be safe and I wanted non threatening affection. I was still wrong and so were you but life isn't as black and white as we'd like it to be.

I think the person whose forgiveness matters most is Sarah's, not his family.

How small is this town? Does anyone really have time to gossip and so on about something that happened such a long time ago? You haven't done anything illegal! Just hold your head up high and move on. You really don't need to care so much about what others think.

I don't mind taking the blame, I was a very stupid teen-

They don't mind, either. Stop offering yourself as the sacrificial lamb. It was a long, long time ago. Forgive that very vulnerable teen and give her some love and compassion - she clearly still needs it

Hold up your head. Don't let them do this to you - but that starts with you not doing it to yourself. You made a mistake, draw a line under it and put it in the past. I think the word jubilee means the forgiveness of sins, the cancelling of debts - time for your jubilee.

Then refuse to let them hold you to this. It is not your fault they are being petty and spiteful so long after the event. They don't sound very nice people tbh - I fail to see why you would want approval from people who can behave as badly as this over a long period of time.

And have a look at shame , do some work on it xx

To be honest I am not sure why you would want to be closer to them if they are that stuck up and disdainful?

I would just enjoy the family and friends you do have, and keep things pleasant with PILS/SIL. Don't push for anything more, I think this is a situation where you need to be careful what you wish for.

Have you ever spoken to your SIL about what happened? If she has only ever had the story from Sarah, she might have got the wrong end of the stock about your motivations or the details and think that you behaved in a worse way than you actually did. It is possible to interpret events in the worst possible way just from making assumptions about motivation - in an ideal world we would all be charitable but it is easy to assume the worst, especially if you have never had the story from the horse's mouth.

I think in your shoes I would have a face-to-face conversation with SIL and explain just as you did here what happened and how you feel about it, and how much you would like to have a warm relationship with them, especially for the sake of any future children.

It is possible that she will dismiss what you say, or pretend to understand and not change but at least you will feel that you have tried to build a bridge.

Is SiL close friends with Sarah? If not, then SIBVU. You and MF were teens when you slept together and there were years between before you got together. It's not like you were the 'OW' who broke them up because he'd been broken up with Sarah for 6 months before you started dating, right?

Honestly though, if SiL wants to carry a grudge on behalf of Sarah there really isn't anything you can do about it. But I do think it's unfair if she's putting influence on her parents against you and her DB. Do you think that's what's going on with your PiLs? That SiL is giving them a 'me or them' ultimatum?

I think you need to talk about this to MF. If he feels like he and/or you are being excluded then it's up to him to do something about it, at least with his parents, if not his sister.

I think Springy Daffs has the measure of a large part of this. You blame your 17 year old self so aren't your normal self around the SIL, which gives fuel to the fire frankly.

You DH really needs to have a word, and for right or wrong, suck up a lot more of the blame, since they clearly have no problem forgiving him. Presumably he is also MC about this and the family carpet has so many things under it, it looks more like stairs.

I just realized I phrased something wrong. I should have said that it's understandable if SiL is friends with Sarah, but it's still unreasonable.

Are you sure it's not all in your mind? Or it's not a class or distance thing like others have suggested? Or just that they disapprove of your DH in general (more than disapproving of you)?

I'd just behave normally and wait for them to become normal too.

If anyone were to speak to anyone, it should be your DH talking to his DSis and making clear that he made his own decision to behave badly all those years ago.

Hi, stop beating yourself up - NOW! . I reckon MrsLupo has hit the nail on the head - there's nothing like a grandchild to change people's attitudes. Make it twins, if you can! But, first, stop feeling guilty. You were young, daft, and carefree, without a care in the world, and also glad to have someone decent to cuddle at a time you were being abused - if that doesn't sound contradictory. Big hugs!