At what age do you listen to your child...

[Bloodybloodyhell]

...when they say they don't want to stay over with their Dad? (We're separated, obvs.)

Ex and I get on pretty well, most of the time. He sees a lot of DS (6) and always has, since we parted 4 years ago.

But for the last few months, DS has been consistently saying, he doesn't want to stay overnight with his Dad.

He still does, but we have had lots of tearful phone calls, saying he wants to come home. And saying in advance that he doesn't want to go.

I've subtly quizzed him about why, and I'm sure there are no worrying reasons. But Ex lives in a big, communal house - and it's just not very homely.

He's also a bit of a Mummy's boy and loves his kisses and cuddles, especially at bedtime. His Dad isn't half as tactile as I am.

He's an eloquent and perceptive little boy and says he doesn't want Daddy to know this "as it will upset him". He says he still wants to see his Dad and do fun stuff together, he just doesn't want to stay over - and has asked me now (repeatedly) to talk to his Dad about it.

So at what point do I start listening to him and telling him he doesn't need to go?

Ex says he's "fine" once he's there and is just "putting it on."

Clearly I don't want to jeopardise his relationship with his Dad - but also don't want DS growing up thinking that he doesn't have any say in what he does?! Help!

I was a little older than your son when my parents split and I was forced to see my mum more than I wanted too. Our relationship deteriorated until I was 18, we had a massive argument and I didn't see her again for 11 years.

I would listen to your son, but speak to your son about a way forward. Ask your son what would make him happier. Maybe scale back the overnights for a bit with a plan for building them back up a bit. Can your ex do some fun nights away? Cheap B&B somewhere really fun to give your son something to look forward to?

A communal house doesn't sound like a great place for a young child. There must be some way of them spending time together without your ds being miserable.

I would try and ask him what he doesn't like about staying there

Also can you work with his dad? Explain what he's told you and see if he can change some bits about the home? Can he get him new bedding and maybe a play tent with cushions in so he has a snug play of his own? Maybe ask if his place is colder/ hotter than yours, or darker/ lighter etc to try and give him an option to alter

Explain to his dad that if 6 months time he still doesn't want to stay over maybe you should both look at him just staying daytime for a while

Poor boy, it's freezing cold? I wouldn't force him and have a word with your ex about the reasons he doesn't want to stay.

A big cold communal house doesn't sound great to me.
Find out WHAT he doesn't like, if you can. Be patient and tease it out.
Then maybe you could both 'write to Dad' explaining what it is and asking if it can be 'fixed' at all?
He isn't being manipulative, he is trying to communicate with you (both)

Communal house? Is there someone there he's frightened of? I suspect there's more to this. I'd gently probe about daddy's housemates and see if that gives you some answers?

This kids is used to life at Mummy's, his toys, his stuff, his tv, his regular things, his Mummy cuddles and he doesn't want to go to this other house, where's there's strangers and it's louder than Mummy's and his bed feels different and he doesn't have all his stuff.

Thats it. End of. A slightly different bit of routine, nothing more. He's 6. A lot of six year olds like routine.

And what kind of planet do some posters live on where they imagine abuse around every corner? Scary.

Eekman that's how kids end up being abused. People not listening to what they are saying and believing they know better. The child is crying to his mum on the phone when he is there. If he were happy stating there this wouldn't happen. This child is clearly unhappy. He shouldn't have to suffer because his parents split up. Keep a stable happy home life is fundamental to a child's secure development if he is to grow into a well rounded secure confident adult

Mistakes courtesy of new phone

Also your son has been OK staying with his Dad for the last 4 years and has only started crying and asking to come home in the last couple of months. Don't you think that's odd?

Hi op, my heart was breaking for your little DS when I read your thread. The poor little fella, he doesn't want to stay at his dads but also he doesn't want to hurt his feelings. That's an awful lot of worry for a little 6 yr old to have on his shoulders.
He just wants to be where ( in his own home) he's happy. Imagine you at 6 in a house full of adults you didn't even know. It must be v stressful for him.
You really need to act on this. Obviously finances are stopping you ex from having his own place, but in my view this is the only way your DS will be able to cope being with his dad. At 6yrs old be can't even articulate the environment hes in, so even if no one is being cruel, he knows he just doesn'ime being there. Your ex needs to get his living arrangements sorted. No way would I let my DS go to a communal house for Christmas, his memories of Xmas at 6yrs are too precious,. If your ex isn't abusive I would go as far as having him stay over for Christmas only if thiswax an option for you.

You split 4 years ago, but how long has this shared house been going on?
I think even if you decide he should carry on going, his father should be made fully aware of this.
Partly because he's his parent, and partly because he will be better placed to work on making the boy feeling happier and mostly because this boy otherwise has an emotional burden of protecting his dad which he ABSOLUTELY should not have.