At what age do you listen to your child...

[Bloodybloodyhell]

...when they say they don't want to stay over with their Dad? (We're separated, obvs.)

Ex and I get on pretty well, most of the time. He sees a lot of DS (6) and always has, since we parted 4 years ago.

But for the last few months, DS has been consistently saying, he doesn't want to stay overnight with his Dad.

He still does, but we have had lots of tearful phone calls, saying he wants to come home. And saying in advance that he doesn't want to go.

I've subtly quizzed him about why, and I'm sure there are no worrying reasons. But Ex lives in a big, communal house - and it's just not very homely.

He's also a bit of a Mummy's boy and loves his kisses and cuddles, especially at bedtime. His Dad isn't half as tactile as I am.

He's an eloquent and perceptive little boy and says he doesn't want Daddy to know this "as it will upset him". He says he still wants to see his Dad and do fun stuff together, he just doesn't want to stay over - and has asked me now (repeatedly) to talk to his Dad about it.

So at what point do I start listening to him and telling him he doesn't need to go?

Ex says he's "fine" once he's there and is just "putting it on."

Clearly I don't want to jeopardise his relationship with his Dad - but also don't want DS growing up thinking that he doesn't have any say in what he does?! Help!

[Cabrinha]

You split 4 years ago, but how long has this shared house been going on?
I think even if you decide he should carry on going, his father should be made fully aware of this.
Partly because he's his parent, and partly because he will be better placed to work on making the boy feeling happier and mostly because this boy otherwise has an emotional burden of protecting his dad which he ABSOLUTELY should not have.

[bjrce]

Hi op, my heart was breaking for your little DS when I read your thread. The poor little fella, he doesn't want to stay at his dads but also he doesn't want to hurt his feelings. That's an awful lot of worry for a little 6 yr old to have on his shoulders.
He just wants to be where ( in his own home) he's happy. Imagine you at 6 in a house full of adults you didn't even know. It must be v stressful for him.
You really need to act on this. Obviously finances are stopping you ex from having his own place, but in my view this is the only way your DS will be able to cope being with his dad. At 6yrs old be can't even articulate the environment hes in, so even if no one is being cruel, he knows he just doesn'ime being there. Your ex needs to get his living arrangements sorted. No way would I let my DS go to a communal house for Christmas, his memories of Xmas at 6yrs are too precious,. If your ex isn't abusive I would go as far as having him stay over for Christmas only if thiswax an option for you.

[Blodss]

Also your son has been OK staying with his Dad for the last 4 years and has only started crying and asking to come home in the last couple of months. Don't you think that's odd?

[Blodss]

Mistakes courtesy of new phone

[Blodss]

Eekman that's how kids end up being abused. People not listening to what they are saying and believing they know better. The child is crying to his mum on the phone when he is there. If he were happy stating there this wouldn't happen. This child is clearly unhappy. He shouldn't have to suffer because his parents split up. Keep a stable happy home life is fundamental to a child's secure development if he is to grow into a well rounded secure confident adult

[Eekaman]

This kids is used to life at Mummy's, his toys, his stuff, his tv, his regular things, his Mummy cuddles and he doesn't want to go to this other house, where's there's strangers and it's louder than Mummy's and his bed feels different and he doesn't have all his stuff.

Thats it. End of. A slightly different bit of routine, nothing more. He's 6. A lot of six year olds like routine.

And what kind of planet do some posters live on where they imagine abuse around every corner? Scary.

[Borninthe60s]

Communal house? Is there someone there he's frightened of? I suspect there's more to this. I'd gently probe about daddy's housemates and see if that gives you some answers?

[OldGreyCat]

A big cold communal house doesn't sound great to me.
Find out WHAT he doesn't like, if you can. Be patient and tease it out.
Then maybe you could both 'write to Dad' explaining what it is and asking if it can be 'fixed' at all?
He isn't being manipulative, he is trying to communicate with you (both)

[loveyoutothemoon]

Poor boy, it's freezing cold? I wouldn't force him and have a word with your ex about the reasons he doesn't want to stay.

[Artandco]

I would try and ask him what he doesn't like about staying there

Also can you work with his dad? Explain what he's told you and see if he can change some bits about the home? Can he get him new bedding and maybe a play tent with cushions in so he has a snug play of his own? Maybe ask if his place is colder/ hotter than yours, or darker/ lighter etc to try and give him an option to alter

Explain to his dad that if 6 months time he still doesn't want to stay over maybe you should both look at him just staying daytime for a while

[megletthesecond]

A communal house doesn't sound like a great place for a young child. There must be some way of them spending time together without your ds being miserable.

[LetThereBeCupcakes]

I was a little older than your son when my parents split and I was forced to see my mum more than I wanted too. Our relationship deteriorated until I was 18, we had a massive argument and I didn't see her again for 11 years.

I would listen to your son, but speak to your son about a way forward. Ask your son what would make him happier. Maybe scale back the overnights for a bit with a plan for building them back up a bit. Can your ex do some fun nights away? Cheap B&B somewhere really fun to give your son something to look forward to?

[kinkytoes]

I was this child. I never enjoyed going to my dad's and I told my mum so. He was grumpy and moody and didn't enjoy the company of children. (however my stepmum was lovely). My mum did discuss it with him to try and improve things but the visits didn't stop until I was about 12 anyway. It was hard, but I survived. And I don't blame my mum for not stopping the visits.

[Baconyum]

I agree we need to know more about his dads living situation and the people involved. Dad may be OK that doesn't mean they are.

Also as he's consistent is be concerned that something is happening that is frightening/worrying him.

Fwiw always listen, doesn't mean letting them dictate but they need to be heard. We have a horrific history of not hearing children in UK.

[April2013]

If I was his Dad I'd be obviously fairly devastated but ultimately would never ever want to make my son feel uncomfortable and would agree to focus more on the daytime and stop the overnights. Kids get different things from each parent so it doesn't mean his Dad has been demoted, tbh his Dad perhaps should consider moving into a smaller shared house that might be more homely and then could potentially try again with overnights if your son wanted to. I think the one manipulating the situation is your ex, he is putting his needs over his sons, but maybe he just hasn't seen that yet. I would stress to your ex that he is very upset, give him word forcword what he gas said, and that you think a trial of no nights would be good, to see if he is happier, as a compromise could you offer more day time\evening time to your ex to ease the blow?

[kitsnicket]

You should definitely listen to him, but, tbh, I'm not sure whether you should stop the visits. If you are sure there's no abuse going on (and you must be sure, stay sure, and keep an eye on that), I'm not sure it's really fair on your exH. I mean, let's be real, it would be a pain. I'm a lazy kind of person () so it would be my idea of hell, having to get up and go to somebody else's house from my own for a weekend. But he might adjust?

And, also, I noticed that you say you don't want him to feel he can't choose, but learning to put up with some unpleasant-ish situations IS part of growing older, sadly...and I can't tell from your other posts if you've actually asked him why he doesn't want to go? I mean, if he's crying when he's there, surely there's no reason to be subtle? How good terms are you and your ex on? I can't tell if I'm just being dense if I suggested just figuring out EXACTLY what your son doesn't like about his dad's and trying to fix it (or at least alleviate it somewhat) before pulling him out of visits altogether...

Just my $0.02.

[Blodss]

I would be concerned as to other reasons as to why your little boy is uncomfortable staying at his Dad's. There may be things going on that are inappropriate or potentially abusive. He is only 6 and deserves to be listened to and protected. Have all the other tenants been checked out.

[Offred]

A court wouldn't listen to a six year old or the other parent if there were no child protection concerns.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Remember, that in court, contact disputes between the parents are meant to make the 'child's best interests' as paramount.

Therefore, the child should have a say. If the child is repeatedly saying he doesn't want to spend the night in a large, communal, reportedly 'unhomely' home - then maybe both mum and dad should listen to him.

He will still have valuable contact with his dad - he wants to still see him, just not spend the night. Why wouldn't both parents listen to that?

[timelytess]

Listen to your child.

If he's not comfortable staying there, don't force him.

[Aussiemum78]

I would rule out problems with the flat mates first - do they drink? Fight? Is there any abuse? Might be overreaction but overnights in a big communal space would be risky imo. Who are these people?

Then I'd talk to Ex about his sleeping arrangements. Is it private? Comfortable? Does ex do a bedtime routine? Is he nearby if ds calls him in the night? Try and fix whatever is making ds uncomfortable.

As a last resort, change the custody to suit ds. He might not be old enough to enjoy overnights, and it is best for him to have lots of visits with dad but the constant of sleeping in the one place. This can be temporary and be in ds best interests without being detrimental to ex.

[Offred]

This is essentially that the child has an issue with his dad, I'd be encouraging him to talk to his dad about it therefore.

[Offred]

Not all parents are capable of co-parenting unfortunately.

I'd say this is one of those cases since the op has already raised it and her ex has dismissed the concerns as their son being manipulative.

[DadWasHere]

He's really not manipulative. Frankly, he's not mature enough to be. He's a very young 6 and just wants to be at home!

I assume you do not have older children. He seems to have made you very anxious about him. He would not understand the full dimension of that but he is certainly old enough to understand that 'protective love' now has complexity way beyond you swatting a mosquito that lands on his arm. He will explore that and its not about manipulation, its about love and exploring his ability to influence the world around him.

[abbsismyhero]

sometimes my son just wants to stay at home he doesn't want to go to his dad's he just wants to park his arse on his own sofa and play on his 3ds end of!