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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cocaine Again

26 replies

sistabreeze · 09/12/2006 20:48

After arguement H went out and took loads of coke last night.
I feel really really angry and sick with nerves.
Some of you may remember my thread a few months ago about his habit.
well we got back together, he has been having councelling, cognative therapy to try to sort his head out... seemed to be going well then this.

dont know what to do. i said i'd leave if he did it again, but now feel really scared to follow through...

OP posts:
lou33 · 09/12/2006 20:59

do you think the argument was an excuse to use it, iyswim, or a reaction to how he felt after the row?

orangecake · 09/12/2006 21:05

I didn't see you earlier thread (apologies) but it sounds as if he has a habit which is affecting you both and your family. I wouldn't find it acceptable to be honest.

Has something happened recently to trigger this?

Daisypops · 09/12/2006 21:23

Sistabreeze I remember you and I posted on your thread as my ex had a coke habit and had spent £24k on it by the time I found out. My advice again is to get out now. Sounds harsh but the only person that can help him is him. If you hang around he'll carry on doing it behind your back, my ex did and he'll just think your full of empty threats. Let him get off it and then say when hes proved himself you'll consider getting back with him. It destroys relationships and changes people. I hate the stuff, can't bear to watch people doing it on the tv.

smartiepartie · 09/12/2006 21:35

You said you'd leave if he did it again, and he did it again. You need to leave.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 09/12/2006 21:39

They say the road to clean generally has a wobble on it somewhere. Do you believe he is genuinely on that road? Or not?

Original poster
sistabreeze · 10/12/2006 12:08

i know what you mean Daisypops about the empty threats... i did leave him for about 4 weeks, he seemed to get his s**t together, then this. maybe he has just lulled me back into a false sense of security. i dont know...
It's so near xmas, the 2 dd's are all geared up, we have big family holiday next week etc... i think i'm oing to just have to wait until the new yr before i can make any major decision.
as you sais ProfessorGrammaticus i think it could be a wobble, especially this time of yr, all the parties, plus his line of work is a d'nb dj where coke use is prolific.
maybe i epected too much too soon?

OP posts:
Original poster
sistabreeze · 10/12/2006 12:10

sorry about terrible spelling etc got a wriggling baby on me lap!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 10/12/2006 12:13

His job is going to be his biggest obsticle imo. Drugs are endemic in clubbing culture, he doesn't have a hope whilst working as a dj. Does he have any other skills?

noddyholder · 10/12/2006 12:14

It sounds as though his work is very much in that world and it is v difficult to mix in those circles and not do drugs.However if he is committed to you and your child then I would expect him to make changes to his lifestyle to accomodate you and not vice versa.If you have said next time its over you really need to follow this through even on a temporary basis otherwise he will feel he can do this now and again and get away with it.Apart from the chaos in your lives he is risking his health and wasting money

bellarosa · 10/12/2006 12:26

yes he has two daytime businesses which bring in the majority of our ££ but he has a 'name' /a reputation to maintain on the club scene which he wont forgo even for me and dd's it seems.
i think that lifestyle makes him feel young and carefree still, and his home life makes him feel restricted, tied down.
i wish he could realise that it doesnt have to be that way, he could be 'free' and that he can find that freedom/ escapism without coke.
i think after xmas i will go away again for a while to try to get clear as to what i want and whats best for dd's.

bellarosa · 10/12/2006 12:29

oh arse i've just used my non 'in disguise' name... oh well, guess it doesnt matter.
it's just i'm so ashamed that this is happening to me, that i'm with such a idiot.

smartiepartie · 10/12/2006 12:42

hey hey hey, he is the one that's made a mess of this, not you. you are innocent and in the right - he's the one who should be ashamed and has been an idiot. But if you feel you are being stupid for staying then you need to deal with that - either make staying a conscious and positive decision, or go.

noddyholder · 10/12/2006 12:57

Were you together on that scene before the kids?I do think men find that whole thing harder to give up If you have somewhere to go do it.He will never grow up while still doing that whole thing but he will eventually become too old for it but by then you may not still be around.

colditz · 10/12/2006 13:08

Tell him if he dies of a heart attack (about a squillion ti,mes more likely on coke) you are not explaining to your child why he didn't love her enough to stay away from cocaine, so he has to write a letter explaining why cocaine is more important to him that his child, for his child to read if he dies of it.

hand him pen and paper to do so.

noddyholder · 10/12/2006 13:10

Well said colditz!I have never had a problem with people doing drugs myself included but once you have children there is always a chance of something awful happening and imo they come first!

lou33 · 10/12/2006 16:03

how badly was/is he into it?

Original poster
sistabreeze · 10/12/2006 20:07

(back to old name to keep things simple!)
Colditz, thats a good idea for a wake up call, i really don't think he realises how serious it is. or how serious i am when i say i cannot live like this.

i used to know him, and now there are so many lies, and the trust is so hard to muster every time he walks out the door i worry about if he's gone to pick it up etc.

worst part about his recent 'session' is that it was a very good friend of ours, who knows all about H's problem, who sold it to him! i'm now feeling as though i cant trust him arround our friends who are supposed to be helping him to get clean.

this 'friend' knows that we are teetering on the brink of splitting up, how could they do that?!

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/12/2006 20:15

sista, but from the friend pov, they might have felt immense pressure from him, and also, possibly thought that as he is an adult he wouldnt take kindly to being told how to behave

i think your anger in this respect is misguided, it's down to your h, not anyone else, what he does

Original poster
sistabreeze · 10/12/2006 20:21

i think our friend should have known, from what i've told her, that h's problem is immensely serious, and she could have just said she couldnt get any etc...out of respect for us and what we are trying to do for the sake of our family.
i know it is ultimatly his responsibility, but she didnt have to give in to him, knowing what the consequences would be for him/ us.
i think some people just like to see others in the shit sometimes...

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/12/2006 20:25

i agree she could have, but if he was doing it face to face then it would probably have been v hard for her

i'm sorry you are going through this, but remember the person who you have to lay the responsibility at is your h, even if you are pissed at the friend

divastrop · 10/12/2006 20:44

i thought coke addiction was more mental than physical?i have known coke addicts and have heard them say that life is boring without it!

i will be honest here,i had a problem with speed(i know its not as strong but the effect is slightly similar)for quite a while,and i t wasnt untill i realised that i could give myself a stroke(i have probs with high bp)and possibly not be around for my children,that i decided to stop.

maybe he needs a wake up call,but i also think you will need to spend at least a few months apart till he is sure he can live without the stuff

ponder · 10/12/2006 20:56

coke addiction is seriously physical! if it was mental, more people would be able to stop.
i think because it is seen as a clean drug it is seen to be acceptable, not seen in same light as heroin for example, but much more addictive!

divastrop · 10/12/2006 21:09

sorry,i cut my message short before cos i needed the loo

i dont know that much about coke addiction apart from what addicts themselves have told me,and most have said its only mentally adictive and they could stop if they wanted they justdidnt want to cos life is so boring without it!

thank you for putting me straight on the facts,ponder

i was going to add that anyone who is an addict of any sort can only get themself straight when they realise its their problem,although youve probably heard that a thousand times.but if you said you would leave him if he ever took it again then i think you will have to stay true to your word.its the only way.

divastrop · 10/12/2006 21:09

sorry,i cut my message short before cos i needed the loo

i dont know that much about coke addiction apart from what addicts themselves have told me,and most have said its only mentally adictive and they could stop if they wanted they justdidnt want to cos life is so boring without it!

thank you for putting me straight on the facts,ponder

i was going to add that anyone who is an addict of any sort can only get themself straight when they realise its their problem,although youve probably heard that a thousand times.but if you said you would leave him if he ever took it again then i think you will have to stay true to your word.its the only way.

divastrop · 10/12/2006 21:10

then i accidentallt posted it twice... .