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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH appears to be flirting with an affair

73 replies

CinderellaSometimes · 17/11/2015 21:22

DH and I haven't been good for ages. I have a long line of grivences, am sure he does too. If we didn't have DS who is 6, I would have left ages ago.

At the moment I am furious because he's run up 7 grand worth of debt on a credit card and not told me. I meanwhile have 6,500 in savings which I was really excited on spending on furniture which we need, and getting nice things as well. We need sofas, carpet, new curtains, all sorts (and we do need them, we're half way through renovating, we have no furniture at all in the living room!) I've saved up for the last year to get this money - I'm a relatively high earner but haven't been buying big treats. He meanwhile put his travel season ticket and left it on a credit card with no attempt to pay it off, just left it there for a year. He's also put two football season tickets (at over 1000 each) on it, and made no attempt to pay it off. I knew he had put the travel on a credit card but it never occured to me he wasn't paying it off. We have a joint bank account which we pay into to cover bills - I pay £1500 and he pays in £550. Other than that his finances and mine are seperate, I put money into savings on top of that plus cover DS school fees and other bits and pieces. I paid the deposit on our house in its entirety and paid off another one of his debts from before we got together of about 10 grand. He earns 30,000 a year, his travel is 5000 a year, so it didn't occur to me he wasn't paying it off, but if he'd talked to me I could have upped my contribution to the joint finances and saved less, but I didn't know. Sorry to go so much in depth into amounts but trying to give the whole picture.

He's been absolutely vile about helping me pick the furniture, really stroppy and obnoxious. He now says it's because he's stressed about the debt and having no money and I'm wasting money on sofas. And I'm just so angry and it's stupid because it's only stuff, but I was really excited about them and now I have to spend my savings paying off his stupid credit cards because it's ridiculous to have debt hanging over us when I have it in savings. I feel very childish about it but I can't help being frustrated.

This is not the only issue, we have a rubbish sex life, I don't think fancy him and I haven't for years really. It comes and goes.

Anyway, am sure he could list many things about me, I'm not perfect! I'm just trying to set the scene.

Tonight he's running late coming home from work. He's told me he's going to get the later train, be back about 11.

But he's left Facebook messenger on DS's iPad, and I went to look at it. And he's arranged to meet a girl, an old school friend. It's the second time he will have met her and not told me. I know this from reading his messages, not my finest hour! I don't think it's an affair, or at least not yet. But I do think that it's leaning that way, his past messages say "was so good to see you, sorry if I talked to much. I had a great time lets do it again soon."

And now they're doing it again. He's facetimed me and DS and didn't mention that he was off to meet her, just said he was on his way home but next train wasn't for an hour, two minutes later he messaged her to say he was on his way, there in a minute.

And worryingly I'm not that bothered. There is a little voice in my head which says it would be great because then he would be the bad guy, I would be blameless and I can just get on and finish the marriage. Does that make me a bad person?

Then i realise how it would devestate DS and realise I am a bad person.

What should I do?

OP posts:

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/11/2015 23:22

He can still be a good dad. At the weekend. You can have your lay in when ds is at his dad's for the night.

AyeAmarok · 17/11/2015 23:26

You've mentally separated yourself from him anyway, from the sounds of things. He doesn't think you're a team. You should be a team. But instead, he's deadweight and you're having to lug him along.

And now he's pursuing a new relationship?

Time to walk away.

KeepOnMoving1 · 17/11/2015 23:40

It really is time to leave. You are putting your head in the sand about leaving just as much as he is about his debts. He's already lying and meeting other women, you secretly wish he does. How is this in any way good for your ds.

lavenderhoney · 17/11/2015 23:44

He's letting you pay his debts, he's rather not have his family have a sofa but he buys season tickets? And he's got the nerve to be nasty because you're wanting furniture?

And now he's out with another woman. Lovely. Shouldn't he be using that to pay his debts?

Open a new bank account in a different bank and have your salary paid there. Then pay the minimum in to cover your share of the bills. Might be an idea to stash some cash, for emergencies.

If you divorce, he gets half of everything so far. Including pension. You can decide between you how you divide assets and if you can't agree, you go to court. If you really want out, then do it now before you've built all your financial security up whilst he pisses it away, then takes half of yours ( bitter)

Your DS will be fine, and almost certainly you'll both be happier. Unless your dh makes a major shift in his money management, parenting and interest in meeting other women, I don't see how you can continue to bury your head in the sand.

samsam123 · 17/11/2015 23:50

Have the conversation no it isn't easy but things are going to get worse between you both, you will start to hate him and argue infront of DS. Don't pay any more of his debts they are his. Go see a lawyer and file for divorce.

AnyFucker · 17/11/2015 23:53

Is he back from his date yet ?

Wannabechic1 · 18/11/2015 00:13

I wanted to say, don't go to bed and pretend all is normal... wait up and have a word. And watch carefully for body language and him evading direct questions.

Use your savings on a deposit for your own place. Bon Chance!

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/11/2015 07:42

For the love of God, please don't pay of his debt.

hesterton · 18/11/2015 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 18/11/2015 08:04

If you pay off the debt, in a year's time the debt will be back and you'll still have no sofa.

Why did you choose a nursery that was so difficult to get to on public transport? You were basically setting yourself up to be the sole transporter. That's then carried forward to school - you haven't challenged him on it, just resented the fact he doesn't pull his weight. (Likewise the debt, I suspect).

He sounds like a dead weight round your neck. Wannabe is right, use your savings for a deposit on your own place.

Notasinglefuckwasgiven · 18/11/2015 08:14

Agree with pps. He's a cocklodger. Don't let him abuse you like this! You're his mum not his wife from the sound of it. You deal with the responsibility of grown up life while he has a nice time and when he gets in trouble you bail him out! Pack up a bag for him. Give it to him and tell him you won't be his mummy any more and you know about the other girl. Once you start talking it's easy. Let the resentment out. Good luck.

contrary13 · 18/11/2015 09:18

OP, you said that you don't want your DS to be devastated by the breakdown of your marriage to his father. Which is a fair point. But have you considered that your DS is probably already very aware of the tensions around him? Children are almost scarily perceptive when it comes to what is going on around them, whilst the adults all seem to think that they're completely ignorant of what's going on.

Also, and I think this is actually the bit that jumped out at me in your original post: "But he's left Facebook messenger on DS's iPad, and I went to look at it. And he's arranged to meet a girl"

What if your DS had found those messages? How do you know he hasn't? It strikes me as your DH wanted to be found out, for whatever reason. But he's used your DS as a tool to achieve that - and, frankly, if I were you, OP, I would find that unforgivable in and of itself.

Personally, I think that you and your DS will be a lot happier without your DH in your day-to-day lives. Seems as if he's actually already left the marriage in all but name, and has never been much of a responsible, hands-on father. Unless you actively want to teach your DS that this is how men treat their wives and children... use your savings as a way to end this charade of a marriage. Because it won't get any better. It'll get worse. And your DS will grow up very aware of what is going on around him - and, believe me, he'll resent his father for behaving like an absolute moron, but also you for being weak enough to put up with it. He won't understand that you only stayed for him... because he'll know that's an excuse. He'll know that your leaving/ending the marriage would have been the best thing for him (I speak from experience, sadly).

murphys · 18/11/2015 09:37

Is there any reason why he doesnt drive OP?

AshleyWilkes · 18/11/2015 10:11

I would be angry about the financial problems and his attitude, but that is not a reason to end a marriage.

However I would be spitting bullets about this other woman. That's a whole different kettle of fish. There's no way I could sit on that and just go to bed, I would need to call him and ask exactly what the hell he's playing at. Damn cheek.
He is definitely flirting with at the very least the idea of having an affair if not already cheating. Been there, got the t-shirt, and my instincts were right. My DH didn't go too far. We managed to work through it and come out the other side. I hope you can too.
If he's cheated though, I would not blame you for kicking his sorry arse out.

Kr1stina · 18/11/2015 10:32

I would be angry about the financial problems and his attitude, but that is not a reason to end a marriage

It might not be for you, Ashley , but it would be for many people .

AshleyWilkes · 18/11/2015 10:48

Maybe so, it also depends on the severity of the problems, the nature of them, the other person's attitude, I appreciate that it's not always clear cut. However in my opinion financial problems, a lazy/irresponsible spouse is not something that should automatically end a marriage, it is something to be worked through together.

MiniCooperLover · 18/11/2015 10:57

How are you OP? Did you speak last night or were you asleep when he came in?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/11/2015 11:05

If he is not massively receptive to chopping up his credit cards right this second and creating a repayment plan from his £550 a month I would be reading the writing on the wall to be honest.

Plenty of people get themselves into debt or are crap with money generally. Plenty more will be self pitying wankers about the whole thing and not take personal responsibility for sorting it out.

The other woman is a whole other level. He's bound to tell you he was just propping up his ego and it was nothing serious yada yada. Bet she's a high earner too though.

BaronessSamedi · 18/11/2015 11:49

end it.
either you move out or he moves out.
the end might as well happen now, because it is inevitable anyway.
i wouldn't give him a penny for his debts. not a penny.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 18/11/2015 12:00

Op are you a NCer? I really don't want to put my foot in it by outing you but have you posted about him before? You look after quite a few people not just your DH IIRC.

If you are who I am thinking of, in your position I would have buried him under the patio left him ages ago. And I say that as someone who was sole earner with DH a SAHP for years, so I'm not averse to people not contributing financially as long as they contribute in other ways and don't take the piss.

From your posts it is over. If you are the NCer I am thinking of, then he is massively taking the piss and you've definitely given it the good old college try, for sure.

Joysmum · 18/11/2015 15:53

Hoping my bad feelings about this are unfounded and there was nothing sinister on his part.

Jan45 · 18/11/2015 16:16

Jesus, do you think so little of yourself that you are prepared to bank roll someone cos that's exactly what you have been doing and I've no idea why, he's using you, for money, for his son and for his quality of life - he's even trying his best to go and cheat on you.

He's great cos he does some basic parenting - really?

I think you need to get out of the situation, maybe then you will see how one sided it is - in other words, he's taking full advantage of your financial head - what a complete loser he is.

Surely you know you can do better.

As for using your son as an excuse to stay - again, you know you can do better.

mintoil · 18/11/2015 20:27

Seriously do not pay off his debts - that money could be used to help you get free of him!

Why do you think you need to have some huge justification to leave him? All you need is to know that you are not happy. That is reason enough.

You tell him you are not happy and that you wish to separate.

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