It's November '15, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.
Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March - Nov 2015
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
More helpful links:
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
Some books:
Homecoming
Will I ever be good enough?
If you had controlling parents
When you and your mother can't be friends
Children of the self-absorbed
Recovery of your inner child
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."
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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
"But we took you to Stately Homes!" Survivors of Dysfunctional Families
1000 replies
OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 17/11/2015 10:53
OP posts:
staffiegirl ·
19/11/2015 15:26
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staffiegirl ·
19/11/2015 22:54
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pocketsaviour ·
20/11/2015 10:34
Meer
From reading here, a lot of what makes physical abuse so awful is the emotional aspect to it, both at the time and later. I don't know, but I wonder if the same happens with sexual abuse?
Yes, hugely so.
(I have ended up writing a huge essay here, it was cathartic for me to do so, so I'm posting it hoping it will help other survivors of SA.)
Sexual abusers tend to fall into treating the victim one of two ways:
- Mostly ignoring them, physical punishments, verbal abuse, complete denial of any sexual contact, painting the victim as a compulsive liar or fantasist. From what I have seen working with other survivors, this is the most common tactic for male on male abuse. Also abuse events tend to be isolated rather than ongoing.
- Making the victim in to a favourite with special treatment, praise, treats such as being allowed to stay up late or access to toys/activities that other children are denied. Getting the victim "on side" especially against other members of the family. Isolating the victim from friends and family who might help, often by lying to the victim that these people have done or said something horrible. Building the fantasy in the victim's head that s/he is special and chosen. Perhaps telling the victim that h/she is in love with the abuser and that society won't understand. Often the abuser presents themselves as the helpless fool who the victim is seducing. This tactic is more commonly used when the abuse is frequent and carries on for a long time.
My dad used the second tactic and it was extremely effective. He was very clever and calculating in how he isolated me from my mum and my sister, and from my friends. I felt immense shame over the abuse I endured, because I believed him when he said it was my fault and that I enticed him.
My mum's fucked up reaction, when I finally did tell, was really the nail in the coffin of my mental health. Instead of telling me that it wasn't my fault, and protecting me from him, she told me I must never say anything to anyone and then she... just let him get on with it, basically. Oh but "He said he would stop, so of course I believed him." Yes, okay
She then completely emotionally withdrew from me, for the next three years while we all lived together (with my younger sister there too!) When I saw signs that he was beginning to groom my sister, I told a teacher and asked for help. For that I was punished for years from my mum. Because I had "aired your dirty laundry to all and sundry". Because I had brought shame on the family. Because I had got social services involved. Because it was my fault that now we didn't have a nice big expensive house and two cars and my mum would have to get a job. My fault.
The sense of betrayal with sexual abuse is huge, and in a way it's very hard to explain. First you feel that your parent betrayed your trust. Then you feel guilty for feeling like that, and as if you betrayed them by breaking up the family. Like you should have just shut up and put up with it.
You are also told that you liked the abuse, that you invited it, and that if you feel any sexual desire for anyone for the rest of your life, it means you're a slag and proves you wanted it. Often you feel terrified of sex but also feel it's the only value you have, so you have sex with a lot of partners even when you don't want to, because otherwise what are you for? What's the point of you?
You are triggered, often to the point of flashbacks and panic attacks, by random phrases, smells, sounds, but you are unable to tell people what's happening because you are so ashamed. Sometimes you wish you could get raped by a stranger because then everyone would sympathise with you and say it wasn't your fault. Then you feel suicidally low for days because only an evil, mad person would think like that.
You meet people who say they have never been raped or abused and you become furiously, bitterly envious. You are consumed with rage and you find yourself wishing they would be attacked so they would finally understand what it's like. Then you think you should just die because you're so evil.
Some days you want to just strike a match and burn the world.
Some days you can't bear to hear or read the word rp and other days you immerse yourself in real life stories and misery memoirs just for the comfort of knowing you aren't the only one.
You drink everything you can and take every drug you can get, even though you know they make you feel worse, because worse is how you should feel, because you're ruined and broken.
You hear your abuser's voice in your head every hour of the day, criticising what you're wearing, what you're doing, how you're moving, telling you he knows all your secrets and nobody's fooled by your nice girl act.
In fact your abuser spends more time talking to you now than when he was actually your parent.
You feel like you're made of ice. Like you've frozen yourself to numbness just to get away from the constant feeling of the abuser's hands on your body. You wish you could take a knife and cut away your breasts, your vulva, your buttocks, because no matter how hard you scrub, you can never wash his touch away. You like the idea of being made of ice because ice is pure, clean, innocent. Untouched.
One day you hear the phrase "inner child" and you bark with laughter because you don't have a child inside you, just the rotting corpse of an old whore.
You aren't fit to be in a relationship, but equally you're terrified of being on your own, alone with just your memories and the voice of your abuser. So you stumble from one bad relationship to another, being abused and abusing in turn, constantly seeking the intimacy you are unable to give or accept.
And then one day something changes. Maybe you read an article or a book that actually speaks to your heart, rather than just to your head, and you finally start to understand that it wasn't your fault. Or maybe you meet another survivor, one who's further forward in healing than you are, and who holds out their hand to you, willing you to step forward onto the same path they are on. Maybe you find Mumsnet!
And you start drinking less, and drugging less, and you find the courage to stop having these relationships that take everything and give nothing, and you tell your useless therapist, finally, that it's not working, and you find one that does. You put away the misery memoirs and start reading proper books about healing. You do your work. And my god, it's hard work, the hardest thing you'll ever do, to go back inside and find that little child who really was still in there after all, and let that child cry, and feel their pain, honour their courage, and meanwhile you're still holding down a job, raising children, getting out of bed every day. You do your work.
And then you turn around and you realise how far you've come. Further than from here to the moon and back.
And sometimes maybe you feel strong enough to hold your hand out to other survivors who are struggling, and you cheer them on as they build that path out of despair and into the light. As they do their work. And sometimes you don't feel strong enough to do that, and that too is okay.
And then maybe you realise that you've come such a long way, and now you can be the real you that you were meant to be. And you find a relationship that's healthy, and where you make each other happy, and you don't expect your partner to heal wounds that they don't even know about. And maybe you settle down and vow to be the best partner and parent you can be, because that's both your revenge and your reward.
Or maybe you decide to be single, because you're not afraid any more of being on your own. You've silenced your abuser's voice, and the only sounds inside you are peaceful.
And the biggest thing of all for you, is that you've done your work and by god it was hard. There is nothing, from now on, that life can throw at you that you feel incapable of dealing with. You are strong.
prettyknackered ·
20/11/2015 10:56
pocket that was a very inspirational read. I'm always shocked to read what posters on this thread have been through, and it is always comforting to read stories of people who have been able to move on from an abusive past 
staffiegirl ·
20/11/2015 11:01
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OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer ·
21/11/2015 10:05
pocket your post is ... amazing. Your journey is amazing, from the depths to holding your own and actually doing well. I don't know the reality of your journey ofc, but that post was a good shadow of it.
Somehow it's hard to find words to say more, but that was so eloquent and very moving.
OP posts:
0dfod ·
21/11/2015 14:10
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staffiegirl ·
22/11/2015 21:31
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