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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Disappointed in men

44 replies

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 09:55

Not really looking for advice but after another disappointing dating episode I just feel like ranting......

Been single for about three years and after dating for most of that time. I have nearly exclusively encountered: liar after liar; men who throw insults at you when you let them down gently and in a polite manner; grown up men (40+) who are not decent/emotionally mature enough to send a quick 'sorry not feeling it' instead of vanishing into thin air after a couple of months of dates and being seemingly keen; men who cannot make up their mind but keep coming back trying to reel you in. And I haven't even included the masses of them who don't even make it to a date who think it's acceptable sending an opening message to a woman asking how big her 'boobies' are or attaching a dick pic .... what are we, twelve?!

It's a sorry state of affairs out there. Even when I've given up on finding a partner and joined Fab (a hook up site; a girl has needs!), about 90% of messages came from married/attached men. Refreshing that they were honest and upfront about it (unlike regular online dating) but attached nevertheless and therefore scumbags cheating on their poor partners at home. Since when has that become acceptable?!

I hate the person I've become after dating during the past three years. Once seeing the best in everyone and taking everyone at face value, I'm now instead cynical, distrustful and consider the majority of men out there untrustworthy, immature and lacking manners. Those of you with amazing, kind and honest men in your lives, which yes do exist but oh so hard to find, do hold on to them tightly (as they should to you of course) because they are in the very small minority nowadays.

OP posts:

Elendon · 17/11/2015 10:09

I get your post totally.

They think that being back on the 'dating' scene will make them feel like teenagers again. I once put "I want to feel like a teenager again." on my dating profile and had so many replies. It's rubbish! It's just about them getting 'free' sex without going to a sex worker, or the complications of a relationship. Sometimes it makes you feel that you are one step above sex workers (not that I do think that, but it's the men who make you feel that).

And yes to the amount of married men on these sites. True they are the ones who are honest, but seriously? I had a very honest online chat with a man who said simply, that there were loads of women willing to have no strings attached sex. Shrugs shoulders. I wished him all the best, he was at least honest and added that he loved his wife and enjoyed her company. He also watched porn a lot. I said this was a turn off for me, he said many women wanted to reenact it. Why not just have normal sex, if you're going to be so blasé about it?

I've given up on online dating, there are only so many dick photos you can look at (the comedy effect wears off when it's repeated constantly).

bollockstomarriage · 17/11/2015 10:17

With you op.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 10:33

Glad to see I'm not the only one!

OP posts:

ApplesandPears2 · 17/11/2015 10:35

I get you too- but being old enough never to have done OLD ( it didn't exist in the 70s and 80s) are people now unable to meet other people like it happened in the 'good old days'? All people had of my age were 'marriage bureau' as an equivalent to OLD.

Genuine question.

I met DH through a friend of a friend, before him I met men through work, sport, parties (again, friends of friends), hobbies, nightclubs, etc.

I know that when we get to our 40s things are different in some ways and the pool of men has declined a bit but I still think that throwing yourself into life which doesn't involve OLD is better - volunteering, sport, singles holidays, Meet Up groups, choirs, am dram, and loads more.

Might it also be better to be more open and honest in your OLD profile about what you are looking for if you aren't already being open enough about what's off limits?

And just to add, I do have friends who've met lovely blokes online, and are in permanent relationships now, so they aren't all rotters.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 10:43

I was sadly not just referring to men that I've met online but also those that I've met at a hobby I do, meet up groups, nights out as well as friends of friends. It hasn't made any difference.

And re my profile online. ... I've set up different ones over the course of the months according to my 'mood' at that time: looking for something serious/long term, something casual, just sex. ..... same results, majorly a bunch of badly mannered, entitled and unreliable bunch.

Maybe I'm just incredibly unlucky.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 17/11/2015 10:45

Totally get your post Op

All so easy come easy go these days.

Fickle and shite

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 10:49

Fickle and shite

Couldn't have put it better myself

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 17/11/2015 10:50

I get it too. And I'm a man and have found precisely the same with a lot of women on online dating sites as well. It's not exclusively men.

Well, except for the dick photos, I never got sent any of those by women. Thank God.

Babycham1979 · 17/11/2015 10:54

OP, I'd love to hear the other side of the story, too. I'm honestly not casting aspersions on you personally, but I do always wonder how things are seen from the other side. I don't doubt it's just as bad.

To all intents and purposes, women are just as dreadful; pretending to be younger and/or slimmer than they are; too clingy; expecting everything to be paid for; reluctant to have sex; too 'picky' etc etc etc.

I also think it's important to point out that Fabs is explicitly a swingers' site, not just a 'hook-up' one. That may help explain the number of married men and women on there!

MissApple · 17/11/2015 10:54

I know how you feel - struggling with OLD at the moment. I have lots of hobbies and things to do but would like to have someone to do it with when kids/friends are busy

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 10:54

Still I agree, not limited to men according to some of my single male friends.

It's like there's no basic respect/consideration left for each other as human beings. It's sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 10:57

Babycham Re Fab... I only ever messaged with single men; most claiming that their wife 'didn't understand them' or 'was too tired to have sex with them'.

OP posts:

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 17/11/2015 11:00

I have decided, after a similar time period and experiences to you, op, that finding a man, has to be crossed off my list of priorities.
But the whole no sex thing, is going to be hard.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople · 17/11/2015 12:23

Been there. Did online dating for about 3 years on and off. Got to the point where I had a very low opinion of men tbh and had decided to just leave it.

Also not just OLD - an old friend asked me out and I then discovered he actually had a long term gf he hadn't told me about. To all intents and purposes this guy seemed the honourable type so it really knocked my confidence in men.

But...not all men are like that. Think of all the good men you know. I had to keep reminding myself of that eg my Dad, my friend's husband, my boss.

In some ways I wish I hadn't online dated though as it's made me aware of a whole seedy underbelly I wasn't aware of previously!

RedMapleLeaf · 17/11/2015 12:42

I hesitated to reply because I'm in my first year of this situation, so still in the phase of seeing the best in everyone and taking everyone at face value. However, after spending 48 hours on OLD I decided it's not for me (for all of the reasons you list). I have had far more success in terms of meeting perfectly eligible men in RL.

I think it helps that I'm just not on the look out for a man. It seems to attract men.

DrMorbius · 17/11/2015 13:07

Random observation (could be totally inaccurate)

I wonder if this is a generational issue. Young people are used to internet "stuff", including dating. So it is seen as a perfectly normal way to meet perfectly normal people.

I wonder if the older generation, still see OLD as having some sort of stigma attached and therefore the people doing it must be slightly odd. When my (50 year old) single friends talk, they definitely have a different mentality to women they meet online to women they randomly meet in a pub on a night out.

Shinyhappypeople9 · 17/11/2015 13:08

Kids in a sweetshop springs to mind with men and OD

Some are lucky but many aren't. I have had some right odd balls, a couple of married's and one with a GF who was "studying in another City for 6 months" so that made it ok!

I don't bother at all now.

bobbywash · 17/11/2015 13:36

It's not just men OP, certainly people I've spoken to have confirmed women are just the same (as stated above - apart from the dck pics, but lots of B*b shots)

Blossomflowers · 17/11/2015 13:41

Sadly another here that gets your post completely. I have been OLD for nearly two years and yes still single and cynical.

Drew64 · 17/11/2015 13:50

We are on FAB too and the amount of people who don't bother to read your profile before contacting you is unbelievable!
It's quite obvious they have not read the profile either by the content of their messages (or lack of content)
I find it hard to believe that any of them have an English qualification judging by the English language used. Few of them are very articulate.
Maybe that's why they have not read the profiles, maybe they can't read!

Destinysdaughter · 17/11/2015 14:32

I find OLD to be a waste of time too, I know exactly what you're talking about OP. I'm on Fab as well, it's much more straightforward and even if I'm not in a relationship, I can still have fun and there's loads of guys to choose from. I just ignore the married ones and at least they're
( usually ) upfront about it...

Blossomflowers · 17/11/2015 14:40

FAB, what is that?

pocketsaviour · 17/11/2015 15:23

FabSwingers, Blossom. Originally specifically for swingers but seems to have been invaded by a lot of men looking for casual one-on-one sex.

Original poster

NoMoreMrRight · 17/11/2015 15:50

I agree Fab is good for that but I do miss having someone significant in my life, someone I can share all the good things that I have in my life with as well as the not so good ones.

Re. it being a generational issue .... I have gone on a couple of dates with younger guys too (33 years old; I'm early 40s) and they are mostly the same. It doesn't matter whether they are 35 or 52, they all behave like toddlers in a sweetie shop when it comes to dating. And, as previously mentioned, I'm not just talking about online dates. Those I have met through friends or out whilst doing an activity and in RL have also been in the majority the same; fickle, unreliable and bad mannered enough to think simply disappearing without a simple message after several weeks of dating is acceptable.

OP posts:

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 17/11/2015 17:21

NoMore my most recent one of those, happened just last week. I knew he wasn't after anything serious but I thought we might at least end up being friends. Didn't even have the decency to tell me that wasn't on the cards.
I give up, I really do. Bring on celibacy and loving myself, because I AM worth more than anything thats been offered to me over the last three years.

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