Still struggling with abusive son

[Teenagepisstaker]

My previous thread went a bit weird, so I left it and tried some of the suggestions, stopping short at throwing my adult son out.
Things have gone downhill again, I want him to leave. he has no income and I am guessing he would sofa surf until his friends got fed up with him. I don't want to do this, but I don't see what alternative I have due to the level of abuse he directs st me, stealing my things and generally having all his mates and people he hardly knows in my home eating the contents of the fridge, lounging around watching to, using my phone, computer etc whilst I am at work. I come home and all these adults (they are not children) just ignore me and then leave - it is so stressful and upsetting. Despite many requests not to to this he ignores me.

I want him out. I will take his keys or if necessary get the locks changed. I am scared of him - what can I do if he refuses to leave?

I really didn't want things to come to this but I can't take any more.

Previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2409906-My-son-has-just-called-me-a-cunt

Sorry, that was overly harsh.

I was angry on your behalf on your other thread, and it frustrates me that you're still putting up with this abusive dynamic. Stop putting up with this.

Crabby I think that was overly harsh but I appreciate that you apologised. You know how it's common knowledge that abused partners take an average of (insert researched numbers) of times to leave their partners? It's really not much different when it's your offspring doing the abusing except as a parent you're programmed to protect your child even to your own detriment. Especially when that child, even as an adult, behaves so badly that you are convinced that they would not survive in the real world. But yes, the real world wake up call is what's needed I think, even if they trip on their arses a few times before it clicks.

My DD made my life hell for at least five years, did things that would make your hair curl. We were very lucky in that a combination of things happened at the same time that turned it around, including following advice from a psychiatrist family member. We didn't in the end need to throw her out onto the street because the threat of it along with her believing that we meant it was enough but we had involved the police on several occasions and her reaction to that resulted in her being sectioned temporarily (section 136 police section to a place of safety) more than once, so she knew that we weren't going to bow down to any manipulation any more.

I really do hope that the OP finds the strength to follow through this time but I also understand how very very difficult that is when every fibre of your being is screaming at you to keep them safe at home.

Tsonlyme, sorry I don't want to pry into your private life but how did you get her sectioned? Did you need two doctors to agree or is it different for temporary sectioning? I hope your dd and you are doing OK now.

S136 of the MHA is used by police to get a person to a place of safety (should never be a police station but hey, it still happens).
Thus detained, the person can then be assessed by a crisis team or doctor as to what happens with them next.
Police have no power to section anyone, just detain them as above.
My experience is that the doctor/crisis team say they are fine and off they go again.

And repeat.

OP,

I did put this on your last thread as well, but please ensure on the eviction letter to your son that you don't put on there a reason for kicking him out. If you put on there "because you won't respect rules/keep swearing at me/keep bringing people back when I've said no" then he will be classed as making himself intentionally homeless and the LA will not be under any obligation to find him housing.

While for an adult I'd just say "tough shit" about that, for an 18yr old who's never left home, and who is your child, I would make sure that he doesn't get turned down for housing.

TofO like has already been said you can't ask for someone to be sectioned, it was exactly as tiredvom said. She was assessed then discharged with an appointment to see a counsellor several weeks later . I don't know where people get this idea that you can have someone sectioned. The circumstances under which this happened to dd were very extreme and involved violence to herself and others (armed police had to remove a large carving knife from her on one occasion).

Anyway I don't want to hijack the thread, how are you doing OP?

He still hasn't returned home.
He has also been detained under s136 - was in police cells overnight then taken to an adult mental health inpatient unit at 15, discharged in a taxi to his mates house - I was none the wiser until after the event.

I have had the locks changed today - cost £100, I have text him to say they are changed and if he needs to get in he will need to arrange it with me for when I am home. No response as yet.

I have bagged up all his clothes in bin liners and left them in the hallway.

I am stressed to the eyeballs and feel sick. I am supposed to be going away Saturday night to have a break, he doesn't know I am away - I will be worried sick about him breaking in but I really need to get away.

Well done so far! Do you have a friendly neighbour who could keep an eye on the place over the weekend who you could text to make sure nothing's going on? I did this on the first occasion that we left dd, they didn't hear a peep & I could relax a bit.

The limbo must be excruciating, is there any way you can bring it to a head asap?

How have you discovered the s136 detention? Who communicated this?

Well done for changing the locks. You know you can't go on like this. If you must go away this weekend, is there a neighbour who would alert the police if your son breaks into the house ?

I discovered the s136 when social care contacted me to say they were doing an initial assessment as a result of it.

He is not responding to texts, not answering the phone - another sleepless night expecting the door to go.

I'm curious about that too, although nothing would surprise me with anomalies in how he was dealt with seeing as how mental health services are in such a mess. There were some strict rules when it was dd such as it had to be the older parent (weird) to collect when she was discharged, she was also under 18 in an adult secure ward, thankfully not a police cell.

Sorry OP, I don't want to pry so please dont feel you have to elaborate.

Maybe he's left home of his own volition, hurrah!

Sorry, I know it's not funny. He's enjoying not responding knowing that it will be winding you up, no doubt. I'd stop trying now if I were you, he's 18 and perfectly capable of taking care of himself wherever he is. I lived by the 'bad news travels fast' truism for years, so no news is good news. He knows the locks are changed because we know how glued to their phones they are so he will have seen that message.

I hope you have a peaceful night. Did you ring 101 at all? You don't have to report anything specific but you can get a flag put on your address so that if you need to call them later they already know what's going on and will get there quicker. I did that when 1500 odd kids all said on Facebook that they were attending a party at my address. nothing happened on that occasion in the end but I was glad that the police knew just in case...

Will you answer the door or not? I'd be tempted to ignore and call the police if he becomes threatening / excessively loud.
It sounds as if you've taken the first difficult steps - I do hope that tonight is quiet and calm. And do get someone to keep an eye on your house and to call the police if he breaks in.

OP this must be massively stressful for you.

Is your son 18? Who is doing an Initial Assessment? This is usually done for a child in Need by Children's Social Care not for an adult?

The initial assessment was done 3 years ago when he was 15 and detained under s136, nothing came of the assessment. He is 18 now.

I haven't phoned 101 yet, I know it sounds stupid, but I am embarrassed to.

Ah sorry - you referring to 3 years ago, my misunderstanding I thought you meant now.

I agree regarding ringing the police to put a flag on your address, that way if anything is reported the police will attend quickly.

I can't imagine how you must feel but you must look after yourself and remember he is choosing this behaviour, any weakening on your part will only result in him continuing his unacceptable behavior. You are not doing him any favours by continuing to enable him to behave in this manner.

How are things today OP?

Teenage - you have are doing really well.

You have achieved your goal - he has gone.

Try not to live in fear - but maybe prepare for the worst and hope for the best?

I would recommend calling the police to put your mind at rest. Dont be embarrassed. You have a legitimate fear of a threat to your safety and that of your property (does he know you are going away?) - and if anything happens - ie your home is broken in to or you are threatened/abused/assaulted any police response will be more effective.

They might even call him to warn off harrassing you. This is serious stuff - do not be embarrassed.

I slept surprisingly well last night although I was feeling exhausted.
Still nothing, I think he thinks I will text him to ask where he is, which is the usual pattern.
From Facebook I have gathered he is sofa surfing with his friends, I have no doubt his welcomes will wear out eventually and that is when he will try to come home.

I totally understand that you're worried about him but would it be better to not contact him? Let him 'feel' your disapproval of his actions. He really does need to understand that you're NOT going to carry on and let him repeat his behaviour. He will be looking for (and expecting) signs of weakness and will see an anxious 'are you ok?' text from you as weakness. This is the time to think of yourself and perhaps to decide what type of relationship you want from him in the future. It's not OK to carry on as he was but he won't change HIS behaviour unless (and until) you change yours.

OP. I suspect your son is taking illegal drugs of some sort. I'm new to mums net and don't know how to send you a PM but I've been in a v similar situation should you wish to PM me I'd be happy to chat X