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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still struggling with abusive son

76 replies

Teenagepisstaker · 16/11/2015 18:40

My previous thread went a bit weird, so I left it and tried some of the suggestions, stopping short at throwing my adult son out.
Things have gone downhill again, I want him to leave. he has no income and I am guessing he would sofa surf until his friends got fed up with him. I don't want to do this, but I don't see what alternative I have due to the level of abuse he directs st me, stealing my things and generally having all his mates and people he hardly knows in my home eating the contents of the fridge, lounging around watching to, using my phone, computer etc whilst I am at work. I come home and all these adults (they are not children) just ignore me and then leave - it is so stressful and upsetting. Despite many requests not to to this he ignores me.

I want him out. I will take his keys or if necessary get the locks changed. I am scared of him - what can I do if he refuses to leave?

I really didn't want things to come to this but I can't take any more.

Previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2409906-My-son-has-just-called-me-a-cunt

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 16/11/2015 20:41

I agree. Reclaim your home please. And if anymore people turn up then phone the police....

Atenco · 16/11/2015 20:49

I've lived independently since I was seventeen. Just like with children he has to learn that his actions have natural consequences.

Hepzibar · 16/11/2015 20:58

Absolutely right Atenco.

If there are no consequences to his actions he will carry on. You might do a bit of shouting and make threats that you don't carry out. But he can live with that. You can't.

You are not helping him by putting up with this.

springydaffs · 16/11/2015 21:08

You are doing the very worst thing for him by letting him stay.

redgoat · 16/11/2015 21:09

I want to give you a very large, unmumsnetty hug. It must be so so hard to find yourself treated in this way by your own child.

However, his behaviour is neither your fault nor your responsibility. Please take the advice of everyone here and kick him out. Xx

cranberryx · 16/11/2015 21:29

OP, is sounds like such a horrible time you are going through. No one should have to feel like that in their own homes. Your son is an adult, is built like an adult and being powerless like this must be both terrifying and upsetting for you. Especially watching someone you love becoming like this, he is disrespectful and honestly needs to leave.

I had a very similar situation with my own DM and brother but he didn't leave until he was 21, removed from the property by the police after stealing for so many years from my mum she just snapped one day and told him to leave, changed the locks and called the police.

He would have adult mates over, smoking weed in the living room all day when she was at work and I was at college, and he would steal straight from her/my purses so we always had to carry them with us.

Everytime my mum said something it was 'shut up you fat bitch.' The day she finally phoned the police was the day I began to get my mother back.

He is an adult now, he needs to be forced to stand on his own feet. If it does get so bad he could always come and try and make amends and you could go to counciling etc.

But you need to show him this is serious! He is an adult, he wouldn't treat a landlady like this!

BaronessSamedi · 16/11/2015 21:41

kick him out.

Glastokitty · 16/11/2015 23:43

You have to be cruel to be kind here and kick him out. The sooner there are unpleasant consequences to his shitty behaviour, the sooner he is likely to wise up. I know this must be so difficult for you, but it really will be the best thing for both of you.

Jftbo74 · 17/11/2015 00:26

Keep it short. I'd just say that DS has been living with you but regrettably he will have no choice but to leave on x date (could be the same day he presents himself at the county council housing department) and will therefore be homeless.

He needs to present himself first thing on a Monday. Don't leave it till last thing on a Friday.

Look up shelter for info. Maybe email him the link so he has it for reference.

Jftbo74 · 17/11/2015 00:29

Yes and they will tell you there is limited accommodation available and request you have him stay longer but stand firm as they will sort something.

TesticleOfObjectivity · 17/11/2015 00:56

Yes op you have to be tough and see this through. My mum is still living with my abusive brother, she was always worried about him ending up on the streets. He is now 25 and actually has a job, but still treats her like crap and it breaks my heart(and frustrates the hell our of me) but she won't throw him out. Things have got worse as he's got older. She finally got my dad out of her life but my brother has taken his place.

What I have said to my mum and will say to you about your ds is he is an adult, he is responsible for his own actions. You have the right to feel safe and to be treated with respect, you have the right to a peaceful home life. You've given him every chance I'm assuming, you've done your bit.

springydaffs · 17/11/2015 02:31

Round my way the police are clued up about domestic abuse from kids and teens.

He is ABUSING you. Get him out. You're setting him up to be an abuser for the rest of his life if you don't do something now while there's still a chance. Because if you don't do something now the boy will certainly be ruined.

Be brave. It's not pleasant but what's going on now is hideous - you can't live like this. And neither can he.

The little shit. (No, not all kids are wonderful misunderstood, hurt little souls. Some are plain bullies, abusers, and he's one of them. The impulse to bully is in all of us - he indulges it. You're letting him.)

Brioche201 · 17/11/2015 07:10

What a difficult situation .I feel for you.

kerbs · 17/11/2015 08:19

I don't want to go into the horrific details of living with my son, but I did throw him out when he was 17. He was 25 before I managed to actually keep him out permanently though, I disposed of his bed at that point.

Forcing your son to make a life for himself is the best thing you can possibly do for both of you, it will get worse and it will get harder if you let it carry on.

You have my absolute sympathy OP, it is awful, but you must start to put yourself first, this is a full grown abusive man you are dealing with here. Involve the police if you get scared, you have to get tough and he has to know that you mean it. What's the alternative?

I love returning home these days, but still remember those days when I dreaded it. xx

EssentialHummus · 17/11/2015 08:40

OP. I second what others have said re the letter (esp JTF's wording) and asking him firmly to leave. If he's likely to ignore that - which seems possible in the circumstances - change the door lock / add another lock so he can't let himself in.

Isetan · 17/11/2015 09:50

Do not issue an eviction letter in advance of evicting him, he has no legal right to stay in your home and therefore an eviction notice is a curtesy which he would abuse by stealing your stuff or trashing the house. Go to the Police and tell them that you are evicting your son (due to his abuse) and that you would like an officer present when you deliver the news because you fear he won't leave of his own volition.

He will of course use wanting to get the rest of his stuff as an opportunity to try to reassert some authority (abuse you) but this is where you stand firm and insist that all further communication is in writing and that he is to provide an address where you can send his stuff because he and any of his associates are no longer welcome in your home.

I would also strongly suggest logging his abuse with the Police, just in case there are any future incidents of his twattery that may need corroboration.

Boundaries are as good as your policing of them and this is where you've failed in the past, the follow through. Good luck and don't let your Achilles heel (guilt) be an obstacle to regaining control of your property.

springydaffs · 17/11/2015 16:06

It's not too cold now. Don't leave it much longer.

I host homeless young people. Lots of different stories of course but there are agencies out there to catch them. A few nights of struggling can bring them to their senses tbf - tho hardly any are actually on the street, only the ones who don't engage with services.

amarmai · 17/11/2015 16:18

you know what you have to do op. we cannot do it for you . When will you do what you have to do is the only question and we cannot answer that for you.

wheelsonabus · 17/11/2015 16:24

Don't feel bad for him - he can sofa surf with his mates until he finds a room. I think lots of us had to do similar as late teens when it was time for us to fly the nest. He'll get a job then and start sorting his life out. If he doesn't, sadly that is his choice.

amarmai · 17/11/2015 16:28

just had a quick read of your last thread. Seems it might have been your son and his buds who were using your computer and having 'fun' on your thread. You are doing him no favors allowing him to take over abusing you like his father did. He'll do the same to any woman desperate enuf to let herself be fooled by him. The police are there to help whoever is being abused . Use them . They came and ordered a live in baby sitter out of my home -she was demanding $$ to leave. It took 2 minutes.

OTheHugeManatee · 17/11/2015 16:43

Isetan has good advice. Ask for an officer present when he leaves. Tell them you are afraid for your safety. Have a locksmith booked for the same day.

If you carry on enabling this young man he will simply learn that women are there to be bullied and exploited. You'll be doing all his prospective girlfriends a favour by making sure this baby cocklodger and wife-beater understands it's not acceptable to behave like this.

Original poster

Teenagepisstaker · 17/11/2015 17:58

I don't think that was him on the previous thread as I only have an iPad with Touch ID, I don't have a laptop or desktop pc at home. Apart from which he is spectacularly uninterested in what I get up to so doubt he would be bothered enough to look on mumsnet.

Currently he has not been home since yesterday morning, which makes things worse as I can't sleep well not knowing if he is going to turn up and who with in the early hours, perhaps he senses I've reached the limit of my tolerance for his behaviour.

OP posts:

tsonlyme · 17/11/2015 18:08

I was on your last thread before it went weird, I'm really sorry things are no better.

I agree with others that I think the time has come to assert your authority and kick him out, police supervision whilst delivering the news is a good idea.

I can well remember the sneaking in of 'friends' in the middle of the night. I once woke up to a strange guy rampaging into my bedroom at 3am off his face on some kind of legal hallucinogenic high, thought he was a being chased by something, apparently. Absolutely terrifying for me and ended up with him being carted off in an ambulance.

Anyway, this isn't about me. I know it's so incredibly difficult but please follow through with kicking him out now because unless you do it's not going to get any better. He will hate you for a while, bad mouth you to anyone who will listen but he will survive and if you're really lucky (like I have been) he will be shocked into becoming a decent person, even if that takes a bit of time.

How about calling 101 tonight for a chat before making your next move? The police will be able to give you some sound advice about the safest way to proceed.

Take care, keep us up to date

Whattodowithit · 17/11/2015 21:20

I read and messaged you on your last thread. I can empathise entirely. I have moved on in that my son has gone now. Off to Uni - 7 years of thieving, foul, aggressive, violent, disrespectful, plain spiteful and nasty behaviour... but he's gone. No contact since whatsover (or before. Here one day, not the next). The relief is nothing short of wonderful. You will get him out. You need to get him out for your own sanity. Like mine, he will not learn to be a decent adult until he is faced with adult responsibilities and reality. So be it. It is a situation almost impossible to describe to others unless their previously beloved child behaves in such a way. I mourn the memory of my child but the unpleasant, angry and much bigger than me young adult can stay away until he he's less angry/no longer threatens me/behaves decently? I do wish you the very best. You need to look after yourself.

CrabbyCockwomble · 17/11/2015 22:45

Well I posted loads on your last thread, which obviously made no difference whatsoever, so not sure what I could say now that would make you toughen up enough to stop letting him abuse you like this.

Get. Him. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Your. House.

What else is there to say?

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