I can't stop worrying about how my life is going

[ifeeltrapped]

I'm a regular on several boards but I've NC because a few RL people know my username and I'm embarrassed.

I'm 25, engaged with plans to be married in the spring, I have a very secure job which is well paid for what it is. I rent a flat, have my own car, have a much loved dog, I'm studying in my own time for the first time since I left school and I have lovely friends and supportive parents.

Great, except I'm so lonely I could weep. My DP is utterly addicted to internet porn and we haven't had anything close to proper sex since April 2014 despite several ultimatums. I'm pretty sure he watches it every day as he works early shifts and has the afternoon to himself, so by the time I get home in the evening he has removed any urge to have sex. He says it's because his anxiety and body image issues cause performance issues (which has happened in the past, so it's not a total lie) but I've told him that he's selfish for sorting himself out and leaving me with nothing. He has absolutely no incentive to go to the effort of having sex when he can just watch porn.

My flat is a total shithole, the LL has nothing to do with us and DP does nothing around the house without stern words so it's dirty on top of falling apart around my ears (broken shower, broken water heater, broken kitchen sink).

Due to a penchant for expensive travel and being terrible with money, I'm currently in around £8k of personal debt. I earn an okay salary but I'm living on around £100 a month due to high debt repayments and savings. I feel like I'll never be out of this financial hole that is entirely my own doing. My job is fine and it's secure but it's a world away from what I want to do but I can't see any way I could ever afford to leave work for university. I left school with very few qualification when I was 17 (I thought I knew better than everyone else!) and have been stuck in admin jobs ever since.

I moved away from my hometown to live with DP but I don't have any roots here. He had crippling anxiety and binge eating disorder alongside depression that he refuses to treat. I've begged him to go to the doctor to no avail. We are like roommates most of the time. We rarely go out because I'm skint, he hates social events so never comes to anything with me and there is no intimacy in our relationship. I love the bones of him but I feel like he is choosing himself over me a little more every day.

I am also about 50lbs overweight and suffer horribly with binge eating and bulimia. I feel fat, worthless and I can barely look at my reflection in the mirror.

I lie awake at night panicking about the mess my life is in and I don't know what way to turn.

PS The reason why you can't stop worrying about your life is because it is going in the wrong direction, at a high speed.
Your gut instinct tells you what to do. Listen.

oh no, don't marry this man. You'd be mad to.

You're trading your sexuality, self confidence, social life, and self worth for what? someone with whom you get along with, sometimes. That's it - that's your deal?

Why is he not fixing the broken stuff in his afternoons? Or at least cleaning the place up? what a wanker, literally.

Take some positive steps to make your life better

Stop worrying about "him" and start to focus on yourself

Make an appointment at CAB or some other charity that can offer you free advice about your debts. This should decrease how much you have to pay back each month. Do this this week.
www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Think about getting a second job to pay off debts & gain savings quickly

Move house to somewhere cheaper on your own or in a house share

I anticipate that once you have done all these that you will meet someone new & exciting...

Like everyone else says, you really shouldn't marry this man! If you aren't having sex before you even get married, your marriage has no hope. None! And for goodness sake don't marry someone with untreated depression and a porn addiction! I've had depression in the past and felt so bad I really can't understand why someone would choose not to get treatment, its a hard enough affliction to drag yourself out of even with drugs and counselling! Don't let him drag you down with him, please, you deserve more, and it shouldn't be this hard.

You have posted before, yes?

And nothing has changed....in fact you are even nearer to completely wrecking your life

Time is running out for you to change the course of your life in a positive way

Don't just "vent" and then disappear back to your shit relationship

do something

AnyFucker

I posted ages ago but things got a bit better, then got much worse. I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I suppose I wanted to be able to look back and know that I did absolutely everything. I've now reached the point where I'm done. I was on the fence until last night when he made a comment about my weight/eating habits and I snapped.

Thanks for all of the comments, I'm going to speak to him tonight and cancel the wedding as a first step. I want to end things even with all the niggling thoughts about how I still love him. He hasn't shown me any respect over the past couple of years and that's what I need to focus on now.

You can still love someone but not be with them. Definitely do not marry him. No sex for 20 months is beyond a joke. Regards your debts, if you're in England you can get an IVA, or in Scotland you can get a Trust Deed. Basically, you pay an agreed monthly amount, that's affordable, for 3 years and then the rest of the debt is written off. It's quite easy. I haven't had one myself, but I know plenty of people that have.

I'm in Scotland so I'll look into a Trust Deed, thank you.

I'm so lonely I could weep. My DP is utterly addicted to internet porn and we haven't had anything close to proper sex since April 2014

Marriage? Really? Why? You clearly don't want your life to go this way. If you cancel the wedding, then you can use the money you've been saving to pay off a chunk of debt, surely? It seems to me that really the only thing wrong with your life is actually this negative and uninspiring relationship. Sorry, but he's just not good enough for you. Please don't accept such low standards for yourself. Sad as it may be for you to split with him, you will recover. And then you have a much better chance at a decent life.

He has dragged you down.

This should be the happiest time of your life. If you feel this bad before you get married imagine how you will feel after. You have so much of your life ahead of you, don't waste it on someone who doesn't make you happy.
You say you are £8k in debt. If you cancel the wedding and add the £250 you have been putting aside to the £450 you already pay per month, you can be debt free in a year. That is really achievable. You can do it.

Good for you, op

I agree with Sausage, engagement should be a wonderful time. You write that you feel lonely - and you were about to get married? No. Getting married TO THE RIGHT PERSON means that you feel the opposite of lonely.

Make sure you call this off and put all of your efforts and energies into managing your debts, and then into looking perhaps for a flat share with another girl, be single for a while, study, and enjoy your life. Next year could be fantastic for you. I promise you that in 10 years' time you'll look back at where you are now and think you had a narrow escape but you will be so proud of yourself for getting out. GOOD LUCK.

(Oh - and save getting married til you're much older and really know what makes you happy. That's what I did and I also missed making a massive mistake. It takes a lot longer to grow to really know yourself than they tell us it does!)